Chuck Norris Facts are Really About Rogue Avon
Last time, Leo set up us the bomb.
Counts:
Double edged serrated knives: 4
Pump-action shotguns:2
Bitch slaps: 2 (Dead Hooker's count as Bitch Slaps, according to snowgrouse. I yield to her opinions).
Shags: 5
After blowing up everything in sight, and a few things obscured from sight by dust and chunks of people, Leo runs off to yet another satellite, with his freshly stolen Helicopter Plane Doohicky.
On the satellite, Leo meets a guy named Mishka, who claims to be friendly. But, Leo's an Avon, so he only trusts people he's killed. Turns out, the satellite he's hiding on is where wealthy people keep dead bodies. Bodies that sometimes have hideous diseases. I am not shitting you. That's actually a really cool and gruesome idea, so shout-out to my homeboy Paulie for writing one thing that isn't mired with juvenalia or just plain boring.
Leo, being a consummate badass, is not phased in the slightest by the fact that he's landed on a giant pile of diseased corpses:
Avon smiled. “We all die. One way is as good as another, I suppose. I’m not afraid.”
We GET IT, damnit. You're not afraid to die. You embrace death. You LAUGH in the face of danger. You shag woman in car parks, and then dismember them with double edged serrated knives. He hasn't actually done the latter, but it's probably on his badass to do list.
In fact, I found it. He has really girly handwriting:
Turns out, these are CRYOGENICALLY PRESERVED CORPSES. Phillip J. Fry is with them, somewhere. The guy who lives here is also forced to live here. And maybe was torture. Probably. It's the Federation after all. So, that's why he's helping Leo.
They start talking. Mishka gives Leo some rare cognac. Leo rethinks his policy of only trusting dead people.
Also, Leo has a bounty on his head for 10 MILLION CREDITS. That's almost as much as the entire crew of the Liberator COMBINED. That's a bit ridiculous. Or, alternatively, Avon had a really awkard father/son moment where he was all, "I'M SO DISAPPOINTED WITH YOU! YOUR BOUNTY IS NOT HIGH ENOUGH! :("
Then, it's explained that because of Federation politics...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, fell asleep. Anyway, Leo's worth so much because of some political reason. Maybe.
Mishka, our exposition fairy, tells us this. God, so much of this book is "TELL TELL TELL....oh, you want me to show? WELL TOO BAD, CAUSE THE ONLY THING IM SHOWING IS TITTIES AND BLOOD LUST!"
Apparently, one of the people who is trying to control things POLITICALLY is Axel Reiss. Based on his name, I'm assuming he looks like this:
Anyway, the way Leo sighs and goes, "I KNEW IT!" and the way an exposition anvil hit me on the head, I'm figuring Axel Rose is important.
Axel Rose was a Killer man with Leo. And now he's trying to kill 'em, man. I'm sorry, that joke wasn't funny in the LEAST.
And then IT GOT PERSONAL:
“He wants me dead.”
“Why?”
Avon seemed lost in thought. “It’s very personal.”
“Indulge me a little. How personal?”
Avon smiled sickly. “We share the same mother. Axel is my half-brother.”
OH, OH, OH, SWEET CHILD 'O MINE!
Leo wants to go back to Earth so he can resolve this problem once and for all, dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. Mishka says he has a way to get him back: an iPod. Oh, wait sorry, that's just a pod. That they usually put dead people in.
Mishka's going to fire him into the North Pole, so Leo can die of frost bite or get picked up and killed by the Feds.
But, goddamnit, he's not fucking afraid to die:
“It’s better to live for one day like a lion than for a hundred years as a sheep.” Avon said.
Rawr? or Baa? I...I've got nothing. That's like something my stoned redneck uncle would say after he'd had a few. I didn't know Leo originally hailed from the Texas Dome.
Mishka says he thinks Leo's gonna die. And the chapter ends like that. Because subtle foreshadowing is for pussies who don't like pump-action shot guns and shagging wominz.
I really, really love this book.