If no one dies in this chapter, I give up
The Brand Spanking New DEATH TOLL:
Male- 3
Female- 8
Not Specified- 1
Counts:
Double edged serrated knives: 4
Pump-action shotguns:2
Bitch slaps: 2
Shags: 5
Last time I don't even give a fuck. It was boring. You know, this book sucks when it has lots of sex and violence, but when it doesn't, it's like twice as bad. It's like a paradox.
Leo sits in his iPod doing nothing for 2 days. Then on the third day, a small mammal looks at him. Out of the kindness of Leo's heart, he does not kill it and eat it. Yes, it really says that. No, I'm not making it up, but hey, SOMEONE DID!
Leo watches his little mammal friend with curiosity. It is from him that he learns someone is approaching. The little mammal suddenly cocks his head and runs away. I'm going to call the mammal creature Fluffy.
Fluffy has heard a helicopter plan flying pow pow shooty thing approaching to search for Leo. How it knows he is here is a mystery, but goddamnit, they're from the Federation, you know they know everything, including the colour of the underwear you're wearing right now, and who your first kiss was with.
Leo readies his pump-action (3!).
A man approaches. He has a pump-action (4!) and a double bladed serrated knife (5!). This is a big tip-off that he is really Axel Rose.
Also, this:
His face was thin and pale. Fleshier round the jowls than Avon’s, it was a face that bore a startling resemblance to his.But the eyes of his visitor, set in hollow cavities, were dark and expressionless. It was as if they had been carved from jet or black ivory.
I know no one's paying attention, but Leo has like...I think green eyes or something. I remember this, not because I am a sad fucker, but because at first I thought Leo was supposed to be Avon!Prime, and I was all, "WTF, PAUL DARROW? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR OWN EYE COLOR?"
I might be a sad fucker because I know Paul Darrow's eye color offhand, but I'm clinging to my non-sad-fuckery with all my might.
Also, wtf? How can he have a thin face and fleshy jowls SIMULTANEOUSLY. Anyone in my mind who has fleshy jowls would have a fat face. I mean...I just...you know what? I give up. Axel Rose can look however he wants to look.
Leo blows up his iPod with his pump-action in an attempt to set Axel Rose up the bomb.
Axel is unhurt. In fact he is walking towards Leo. Leo pumps his pump action. Leo takes aim. Leo...drops his fucking gun? WTF?
Leo seems pretty sanguine about the fact that Axel Rose is going to fucking kill him. They have a nice chat about it beforehand. Catch up. They both decide that they must fight to the death.
Then they take out their twin-bladed knives. And they crouch in the universal knife-fight position, which will be familiar to anyone who has seen West Side Story. I cannot confirm or deny if they dance while knife fighting or do their knife-fighting to music or a beat, but I assume they do, because it's funnier that way.
They fight. Leo gets cut again in the same place where that lesbian vampire cut him earlier. Then Axel Rose kicks him in the head. So lol.
Then Axel Rose stabs Leo in the chest.
With a deep sigh, Rogue Avon toppled forward.
A lot of people, when they're dieing, they moan, groan, scream, shout, cry, whimper. Not our Leo. He reacts to death with the same way most people react to boredom. I'm sure if he had enough strength he also would've shrugged, looked at his watch, and said, "Can we get on with this? I'm due to have tea in Purgatory this afternoon."
And then Leo dies. While Fluffy watches him. Yes, it really says that in the book, too.
RIP Leo: He died the way he lived: Bored and with mammals strangely enfatuated with him.