i have ants crawling around. all over my desk ( Read more... )

i finally got my freightbaggage backpack. i like it. it's a small. it's still humongoid. i like it.

i am emotionally deficient because my parents are. how do i not pass this on to my own children? maybe that's better answered by the fact that i lack a foundation for emotionally intimacy to ever sustain a relationship long enough for me to guarantee my progeny into the next generation. that is, in some ways comforting. and sad ( Read more... )

i feel like i have nowhere to go no matter where i go. the trick is knowing that this is just how i feel in the moment, that everything i feel or don't feel is because of where i am in life and not necessarily my life, that i can affect my circumstances to change how i feel. more on this later.

my health is declining. i did this to myself.

i want to change all of this. i think for the next several years i will devote myself to doing exactly that. that will be my objective. everything else, whatever job i land, whatever i become, wherever i end up will be perquisite. i'm fearful that a year from now, i'll read this and laugh because i'll be writing another journal entry about how ( Read more... )

i think i don't care a lot. that's not true ( Read more... )

awareness is knowing better. enough to be annoyed by yourself.

wow. i'm sure you're real proud of yourself for that one. a real pearl of wisdom that one was.

oh stop with your self-deprecation.

i have a profound fear of pushing people too far. i have a sick almost perverted desire to see people at their most vulnerable, their most upset, their worst, their most ugly, their most embarrassed, their most un-dignified ( Read more... )

a humphrey bogart double feature's been playing at the stanford theatre the last couple days ( Read more... )