Why I've Always Hated 'Tolerance', Or, Unfocused Rambling
*Prompted by various conversations recently, including at work, in which I've shocked people by not being shocked.
Friends, I neither preach nor practice tolerance.
Allow me to direct you to Merriam-Webster's definition, to whit:
Definition of TOLERANCE
1: capacity to endure pain or hardship : endurance, fortitude, stamina
2a : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own b : the act of allowing something : toleration
Yeah. To me, tolerance has always had the connotation of putting up with something you'd rather not deal with. My dog Vixen tolerates baths, because she is a gracious and well-behaved lady dog, but she damn sure doesn't like them. I don't want to be tolerated, and I'm not tolerant of other people. I do not endure their quirks and I do not indulge their different beliefs and practices. I delight in them. I accept them. For contrast, the definition of acceptance:
Definition of ACCEPTANCE
2: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
3: the act of accepting : the fact of being accepted : approval
Yes, that. Exactly that. Whoever you are, whatever your beliefs, if you are reading this, then I accept you as you are. Whatever strange habits you have, I accept them too. Because - c'mere, folks, lean in close, I'm about to whisper one of the Dread Secrets of Life to you.
'Normal' is an illusion.
You heard me. I'm not giving you the dictionary definition because you have to wade through a bunch of stuff, but here's the gist. 'Normal' is perfectly average. That's why the 'normal' number of kids was 2.6. Do you know anyone with 6/10ths of a kid? I don't. But the mathematical average is 2.6, so that's what normal is. It's a meaningful value, but no one should ever feel bad that they deviate from the norm. The majority of people deviate from the norm, because it's an average and most folks won't hit it dead on (see 2.6 kids above).
So no, you're not normal. Neither am I. No one in the world is completely normal, and if such a person existed, they'd be fucking terrifying. And all of those strange quirks, odd habits, and out-there beliefs? In a way, they're perfectly normal. Deviation from the norm is more normal than absolute compliance to normality.
We're all weirdos. We all have at least one secret we're hiding, one thing that embarrasses us to admit. And we all think that secret is the deepest, darkest, most obscenely awful freakiness that ever freaked. Even if it's just your funky-shaped birthmark or something.
I don't care what that secret is for you, I love you for it. Not in spite of it. For it. Because you might be ashamed of yourself, but to me, it's evidence that you're human. And I guarantee you, that no matter how dark it is, there's someone out there for whom it's totally vanilla.
Odds are, that someone is me. I am one of the most accepting people you'll meet. (So is Lois, btw.) Feel free to try to freak me out sometime; it's damn difficult to do. I may give away prizes to anyone who can make me go 'whoa shit, you did what now?' Because really, I have talked to a lot of people who do not comply with the notion of normality, and my 'whoa shit' bar is very high. Then again, I'm gay, pagan, kinky, and a writer, so I guess my 'whoa shit' bar was always gonna be high.
The fact that I'm cool with all kinds of things means people just tell me stuff. And that's fine with me. I think it's important for people to know that they're not horrible awful bad wicked folks just because they have these secrets. If you can read this, then I love you no matter what you've done or said or thought. I might want an explanation for why, because there are things in this world I have never encountered before and do not comprehend, but it's more fascinating to learn about them than to run screaming into the night.
So yeah. If you are someone who's told me something in confidence that you haven't told many other people (and there are lots of folks who fit that definition), know that I do not judge you and I do not think less of you. You have made mistakes in your life; you are human, and we are not perfect, so chillax already, I won't beat you up about it. You probably have aspects of yourself you think are deeply weird; I think they're pretty cool, because I am endlessly fascinated by and interested in the vast diversity of human experience.
It all boils down to this: I love you all, just as you are. I'm not interested in fixing you, because I don't think any of you are broken. If you need a shoulder to lean on or just an ear to talk to, I'm here.
Friends, I neither preach nor practice tolerance.
Allow me to direct you to Merriam-Webster's definition, to whit:
Definition of TOLERANCE
1: capacity to endure pain or hardship : endurance, fortitude, stamina
2a : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own b : the act of allowing something : toleration
Yeah. To me, tolerance has always had the connotation of putting up with something you'd rather not deal with. My dog Vixen tolerates baths, because she is a gracious and well-behaved lady dog, but she damn sure doesn't like them. I don't want to be tolerated, and I'm not tolerant of other people. I do not endure their quirks and I do not indulge their different beliefs and practices. I delight in them. I accept them. For contrast, the definition of acceptance:
Definition of ACCEPTANCE
2: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
3: the act of accepting : the fact of being accepted : approval
Yes, that. Exactly that. Whoever you are, whatever your beliefs, if you are reading this, then I accept you as you are. Whatever strange habits you have, I accept them too. Because - c'mere, folks, lean in close, I'm about to whisper one of the Dread Secrets of Life to you.
'Normal' is an illusion.
You heard me. I'm not giving you the dictionary definition because you have to wade through a bunch of stuff, but here's the gist. 'Normal' is perfectly average. That's why the 'normal' number of kids was 2.6. Do you know anyone with 6/10ths of a kid? I don't. But the mathematical average is 2.6, so that's what normal is. It's a meaningful value, but no one should ever feel bad that they deviate from the norm. The majority of people deviate from the norm, because it's an average and most folks won't hit it dead on (see 2.6 kids above).
So no, you're not normal. Neither am I. No one in the world is completely normal, and if such a person existed, they'd be fucking terrifying. And all of those strange quirks, odd habits, and out-there beliefs? In a way, they're perfectly normal. Deviation from the norm is more normal than absolute compliance to normality.
We're all weirdos. We all have at least one secret we're hiding, one thing that embarrasses us to admit. And we all think that secret is the deepest, darkest, most obscenely awful freakiness that ever freaked. Even if it's just your funky-shaped birthmark or something.
I don't care what that secret is for you, I love you for it. Not in spite of it. For it. Because you might be ashamed of yourself, but to me, it's evidence that you're human. And I guarantee you, that no matter how dark it is, there's someone out there for whom it's totally vanilla.
Odds are, that someone is me. I am one of the most accepting people you'll meet. (So is Lois, btw.) Feel free to try to freak me out sometime; it's damn difficult to do. I may give away prizes to anyone who can make me go 'whoa shit, you did what now?' Because really, I have talked to a lot of people who do not comply with the notion of normality, and my 'whoa shit' bar is very high. Then again, I'm gay, pagan, kinky, and a writer, so I guess my 'whoa shit' bar was always gonna be high.
The fact that I'm cool with all kinds of things means people just tell me stuff. And that's fine with me. I think it's important for people to know that they're not horrible awful bad wicked folks just because they have these secrets. If you can read this, then I love you no matter what you've done or said or thought. I might want an explanation for why, because there are things in this world I have never encountered before and do not comprehend, but it's more fascinating to learn about them than to run screaming into the night.
So yeah. If you are someone who's told me something in confidence that you haven't told many other people (and there are lots of folks who fit that definition), know that I do not judge you and I do not think less of you. You have made mistakes in your life; you are human, and we are not perfect, so chillax already, I won't beat you up about it. You probably have aspects of yourself you think are deeply weird; I think they're pretty cool, because I am endlessly fascinated by and interested in the vast diversity of human experience.
It all boils down to this: I love you all, just as you are. I'm not interested in fixing you, because I don't think any of you are broken. If you need a shoulder to lean on or just an ear to talk to, I'm here.