new poem

[anithradia]

Neptune Rising

In the shadow of your eyes and flushed
morning cheeks there is a blue
horizon like a spring afternoon
fresh with breeze and warm with a sun
that does not know your name.

Comments

[berenstain_bare]

I like this except for two things:

1. You repeat "morning" within a small space. I think you can take it out in the second line, because you obviously need it for the third line.

2. I don't understand the last line. I was going along with the imagery until that line came up. I assume this is part of that nine(eight?)-part poem that involves all the planets, so maybe that line makes sense in the context of the other poems, but I just can't see what you're getting at with that last line.

I really like how you do so much within such a small space. Poetry as photography--in that it captures a small but beautiful image--is my favorite kind of thing.

[anithradia]

Oh, pwned, so don't notice that I had morning twice. Thanks for pointing that out.

Nine parts! Poor Pluto. My biggest worry is Uranus. Really with that part I just got going and decided it sounded cool.