Mission 3: Not Quite an Angel
Many, many, many thanks to JulyFlame for betaing. Admittedly, Pads, she isn't as much of a Grammar Nazi as you are, so please don't come after either of us if you find anything in here to your dissatisfaction. XD
Also, timeline-wise, this takes place shortly after Interlude 1, in which Singsong harassed Brenden during his stay in Medical.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Platinum Angel and Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christine Avalon belong to BridgitKiido--not that I want either, of course.
Singsong hummed happily as she returned from Medical. She hadn’t been able to drive Brenden insane for as long as she’d wanted to, but the look on his face when she’d called him a Gary-Stu had made up for it.
When she got back to the RC, Singsong found Joyce restocking a cabinet that hadn’t been there before.
“I found the General Store,” Joyce announced, placing bottles of bleeprin into the cabinet. Singsong scrutinized it. The cabinet was several feet off the floor, and it was decorated with numerous carved roses and vines.
“Where the heck did that come from?” Singsong asked, though she had what passed as an idea in her head.
“I transmuted it,” Joyce said simply. Singsong noticed that the wall around the cabinet had a nice chunk taken out of it to create the new storage space. “I figured we wanted somewhere safe to store the bleeproducts where All can’t get at them.”
From his spot on the bed, the mini-chimera mewed pitifully.
“I already gave you some,” Joyce chided. “Go play with FullMetal or some-”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Singsong shoved a generous amount of candy into her bag as Joyce looked at their newest assignment. The ex-Sue was also stroking All comfortingly, trying to get the mini’s fur to stop standing up straight. Yes, All was a skittish little thing.
“Huh, it’s mangaverse,” Joyce said. “Just a twoshot, too.”
“Good,” Singsong said, checking her weapons. “Shouldn’t take too long, then. What’s the summary?”
“Havoc thought he'd lost everything. But there's someone else out there who may have lost even more than himself,” Joyce read. Singsong froze.
“Havoc?” she repeated.
“Yeah. It’s Havoc/OC.” Joyce watched her partner take a deep breath and add a dozen extra bags of skittles to the candy she was bringing. “Isn’t he your LO?”
Singsong didn’t answer-she merely grabbed her pack and a rifle, checked to be sure the weapon was loaded, and opened a portal. “Let’s go,” she said, looking quite determined. Joyce put All down, grabbed her pistol, and followed.
After the author’s note, the fic started out in the midst of an interesting rainstorm. Buckets of water were falling from the sky. Joyce read the Words.
“Rain poured down in buckets,” she said. “Right.” Then they were in a hospital room.
The weather, however, did very little to worsen the already dismal mood in one of the hospital’s rooms, where two young military men - their ranks second lieutenant and colonel - lay, guarded over byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and her faithful dog. The two men were playing cards, or at least attempting, seeing as the second lieutenant couldn’t get out of the bed at all.
byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) happily came over to the agents. The mini-chimera was a sort of mix between a golden retriever and a hawk, giving a griffin-like appearance. Joyce reached down and scooped the creature up, being careful of its wings. “The poor thing’s name’s bigger than she is,” she grumbled. “Put some spaces between words, for the love of Truth!”
“Come on, Havoc,” the colonel said as he drew a card and put it in his hand, frowning. “Don’t be so down in the dumps. After all, your mood affects your performance and thus my standing. Got any threes?”
Singsong shook her head. “Havoc’s performance doesn’t matter anymore, seeing as he’s not going to ever be able to work again.”
“Why is Havoc in the hospital?” Joyce asked, doing her best to not drool over Roy Mustang as the colonel and the second lieutenant played cards.
“How well do you know the mangaverse?”
“Not very.”
“Long story short, Lust skewers Havoc right through the spine. He’s paralyzed from the hips down.”
“…Ouch.”
“I don’t want to see how the Sue manages to make herself lose even more,” Singsong grumbled.
“And I was looking forward to the real perks of life, too. Getting a pretty wife, having a few kids… but now, there’s not a girl out there who’d even consider dating me.”
“Shows our Suethor’s inner thoughts on disabled people,” Singsong glowered. “Unless they happen to be cute and angst-ridden, I suppose.” She pulled a pencil and pad of paper from her pack and began writing down charges.
“Don’t be silly, Havoc,” the first lieutenant stated in her usual dead-pan way, attempting to console him. “Women like brave men, especially war heroes. As soon as word gets out about this, girls will flock to your side, tending to your injuries.”
Joyce pulled out her CAD and aimed it at Riza.
[Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of Character 34.72%]
“Yeah, she wouldn’t try to console him quite like that…”
“Charge for making Riza encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends,” Singsong muttered. “Really, it’s obvious that all of Roy’s get on her nerves, and it’s probable that she thinks Havoc’s never-ending quest for the perfect girl is a waste of time.”
There was a bit more dialogue during which Roy won the card game, and Havoc lapsed into a sort of angsty silence.
The silence was broken, however, by Black Hayate suddenly noticing someone outside the door. He barked twice to announce the new person's arrival.
Riza stood up on impulse and, without a second's hesitation, pulled out her gun, pointing it toward the door.
“Riza controls herself better than that!” Singsong hissed. “They’re in a glaurunging hospital, not a war zone!” She wrote down another charge. Joyce looked at her CAD. [Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of character 43.80%]
"Um, if this is a bad time, I can always come back later," the person in the door said quietly, stepping inside to reveal herself to be a young woman sporting a knit blue sweater and pair of white gloves, as well as a relatively long black skirt. The glint of a silver pocket watch shone on her side, although it was hard to see since her arms hardly moved at all to prevent it from being covered up.
Singsong snickered at the image of the person in the door. Joyce, meanwhile, winced at the description of the Sue’s clothing, having flashbacks to her own days as a Sue. Then she did a double-take at the Words. “Wait, if she isn’t covering it up, how is it hard to see?” She stepped to the left in time to avoid a small logic loophole.
“Huh. I think I’m getting better at this."
Roy introduced the girl.
"Stand down, Lieutenant Hawkeye. This is Major Avalon, a State Alchemist previously working in investigations under Lieutenant Colonel Hughes... well,while he was still a Lieutenant Colonel. Although I have no idea what a busy Major such as herself would be doing here, visiting wounded soldiers." Hawkeye lowered her gun just a little bit.
“A little bit?” Joyce repeated. “Just a little bit? She wouldn’t disobey direct orders from Roy!” She pointed her CAD, which revealed that Riza was now forty-eight-point-thirty-six percent out of character. “Ugh!”
“Getting protective of your Lust Object’s significant other, are we?” Singsong asked.
“…Maybe. It’s not just that, though-Riza’s nice! And too cool to be-to be used like this!”
Roy mentioned that the Sue had been looking into Hughes’s death.
“But…Bradley didn’t want anyone to look into Hughes’s death,” Joyce pointed out, as the Sue went on to say that she’d had to stop the investigation due to her accident. Riza was used to explain the Sue’s predicament.
"Ah, yes," Hawkeye said, putting her gun away. "I heard about you. From what I heard, you were helping a small group of Ishballan refugees to a new camp when a freak accident caused you to become paralyzed in just your arms, with no nerves left to attach auto mail to. Hmm, sort of like Havoc here, who's now unable to move his legs." Havoc looked up slightly
“Wait, is it possible to become paralyzed in the arms?” Joyce wondered. Singsong frowned.
“Well…not without paralyzing the legs as well, it isn’t. It would take a hit to the actual spinal cord.”
“So that’s a charge, then?”
“Yep. Though I’d like to see how she rationalizes it first…”
Joyce suddenly realized something. “Singsong…you haven’t eaten any candy since we got into the fic, have you?”
The other grimaced. “She’s after Havoc. I can’t afford to be distracted!”
And Singsong was obviously very focused on the fic. Her eyes weren’t glazed, for one, her mood was more stable, she appeared relatively calm, and, well, a lot more there than usual.
“You should stay off the sugar more often,” Joyce said. “It does wonders for your personality.”
Singsong stared at her. “Stay off the sugar? Are you insane?”
Joyce sighed and elected to watch the Sue show off her alchemy, creating a sort of metallic hand that extended from her back.
"Transmutation circles in my shoes let me transform the metal plate on my back into arm-like substitutes, so that I can at least utilize something similar to them. I'm still not perfect at it though, and it takes a lot of energy to do, so I can't do it too much without resting. I sort of envy Havoc there, because although he can't move his legs, he could still utilize some sort of chair with wheels to get around. He, at least, can move his arms easily still, so that he can affect things even if he can't easily move there to do it."
Havoc blinked once or twice. Was he hearing this right?
“Am I hearing this right?” Singsong demanded. “You don’t walk into a hospital room and tell some guy who just lost the use of his legs how lucky he is! I mean, okay, sure, losing the use of your arms is probably worse-albeit impossible-but the poor man’s probably still in shock! I mean… Gah! It’s just rude! And if you’ve just lost the use of your arms, you should have some inkling of what he’s going through!” She tore at her hair. Joyce frowned.
“You know…other than her I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You-Are standpoint and her Holier-Than-Thou attitude and the bad biology, the story isn’t all that bad and stuff…” Joyce said slowly.
“Meh,” Singsong shrugged, writing down another charge. Joyce patted byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and watched the Sue give Havoc a little gift box thing that was supposed to give him a hint at what her state alchemist title was.
“It could be better, definitely, but still…”
“Are you trying to tell me something?” Singsong asked as Roy asked the Sue out to dinner just so he could tease Havoc.
"Hey Major, would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Avalon turned toward the colonel, her face not as happy as it had been a moment ago, and stated, "I'm sorry, Colonel Mustang sir, but I must refuse. My parents and I are having dinner tonight, as we've had planned for two months already. Besides, you're still too weak to go out, correct?" She then departed.
Singsong scowled. “And so the Suethor makes her Sue destined to be with Havoc by having her snidely dump Roy.” She glanced at Joyce. “Shouldn’t you be more upset by this?”
Joyce frowned. “I…well…she reminds me of me.”
Singsong cocked an eyebrow. “Reminds you of you? How the heck does a Mary-Sue remind you of…” Pause. “Wait a minute…you’re an ex-Sue, aren’t you?”
Joyce’s eyes rolled in exasperation. “Yes.”
“…Oh.”
There was a moment of silence, during which Havoc opened the gift box thing from the Sue.
Inside was a small pendant, with a charm of pure platinum in the shape of a single downy feather.
“You weren’t this bad,” Singsong said at last. “Well, that’s what Anj and Sanderson say at least, and while I don’t trust Sanderson, I do trust Anj. And Anj says you were just really angsty.”
Joyce frowned and ignored the author’s note booming from the sky, which was calling the fic a oneshot. Apparently, the author hadn’t thought she was going to write another chapter. “Well, this one’s angsty too…less than I was, actually.”
“That doesn’t make her any better,” Singsong said with a wave of her hand. “Your only problem was the angst…and the sex scenes. According to Anj, at least.
Character-wise, you were pretty well-off. This girl’s character is stuck-up, holier-than-thou, pity-me-because-I’m-worse-off-than-you-but-I-don’t-need-pity-because-I’m-so-strong, and just downright annoying.”
Joyce didn’t remember the Sue outright saying that she didn’t need pity. She supposed that it was more-or-less implied and that Singsong’s protectiveness of Havoc was picking up on and emphasizing it. “I don’t know, Sing…”
“You’re only acting like this because it isn’t your LO she’s after,” Singsong said as they moved on into chapter two. “If you start trying to save every Sue we come across, I’ll have to kill you.”
It was meant to be a joke, but Joyce still flinched. “Right. Sure.”
Every so often, between visits from his parents and retirement people, Major Avalon would visit the young Second Lieutenant. He appreciated her company, although usually it was just the two of them playing cards.
“How sweet,” Singsong said dryly.
“Could be worse,” Joyce shrugged. “Did I ever tell you about the one time Roy got wounded in Ishbal--”
“Don’t tell me,” Singsong snapped. “I don’t need to deal with whatever hurt/comfort scene your Suvian instincts drove you to.”
Joyce smirked. “Then there was the time I got wounded in Ishbal…”
“Please don’t tell me,” Singsong said, and Joyce suddenly noticed that her partner’s hands were shaking ever so slightly. She frowned.
“Um…Singsong? You okay?”
Singsong looked at her hands and blinked. “Oh.” She pulled a bag of Skittles from her knapsack, carefully ripped it open, and rationed out three of the candies, which she ate. The rest of the bag went back into the knapsack. Joyce watched skeptically.
“You’re that addicted, huh?”
“Well…yeah.”
“You lasted longer without sugar in our first mission.”
“It wasn’t quite so harrowing.”
“The girl didn’t know what punctuation was!”
“Yes, but she wasn’t going after Havoc.”
“So, Lieutenant, what were you reading?”
“Oh, it’s just something I picked up to pass the time,” Havoc replied as he dealt the cards.
“Wait, cards?” Joyce repeated. “How is she playing cards if she can’t use her hands?”
“Doesn’t say,” Singsong said, scanning the Words. “Look out for that logic loophole.”
“I saw it…”
The two of them had set up a small table relatively close to the bed, and Avalon had helped Havoc to sit up on the edge of the bed. “Some of the more public records about the State Alchemists. I was trying to look you up, and I think I found you. Your second name is Platinum Wing, correct?”
“I hate it when authors can’t think up good state alchemist titles, don’t you?” Singsong asked. “Though I’ll admit that this one’s better than the Crystal Blood Alchemist, or the Dark Tears Alchemist, or the Floral Blossom Alchemist…”
Joyce coughed. Singsong smirked.
“Sorry, Rosebud.”
“Please don’t call me that…”
Avalon smiled. “That’s correct; when I was in service, I was known as the Platinum Wing Alchemist. Of course, that’s almost all in the past now; due to my injuries, I believe I’m probably going to have to retire soon.”
“Why hasn’t she retired yet?” Joyce asked. “I mean…it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“It’s so she has an excuse to hang out with Havoc,” Singsong said, rolling her eyes. “In the manga, though, Havoc filed for retirement almost immediately after he realized he couldn’t be healed. This Sue should’ve done the same as soon as possible, like, after being stable enough to live on her own. The military probably wouldn’t be happy having a useless soldier in its ranks, getting paid for nothing.”
Havoc, meanwhile, was talking to the Sue about the big secret behind how she’d gotten her injury-presumably from that freak accident while escorting a group of Ishballans.
“Things don’t quite add up with that, though. These records state that you were injured only a few months ago, and there haven’t been any Ishballan movements - well, except for Scar, but he’s a special case - in over a year. Also, how would you be investigating the death of General Hughes before your injury if you were escorting the victims of war?” He glanced at her.
Avalon smiled sweetly and replied, “I like intelligent men like you. Quite perceptive, to have figured me out like that.”
There was a very loud THUNK as Joyce’s head hit the wall. “If top secret military information was so freaking easy that a simple second lieutenant trained mostly for combat and not investigations could figure out its secrets with just a little digging around, Amestris would’ve fallen a long time ago.”
Singsong patted her on the back. The Sue, in the meantime, prepared to show Havoc, a basically innocent bystander, a well-kept military secret. In the hospital.
Where anyone could walk in and see.
THUNK.
“You’re going to get a headache,” Singsong said.
“You don’t go around telling classified information the military kept secret for a reason just because you’re retiring,” Joyce groaned. “That’s just stupid. And you definitely don’t show someone who’s completely uninvolved.”
“Well…at least she closed the blinds and door first.”
“Not good enough.”
Using her left foot, she pulled her right sandal off, revealing it to have several transmutation circles placed, as described, where her toes could easily reach them. She then flipped it over, revealing a second, larger, more ornate circle on the bottom, which was, oddly enough, formed from some sort of metal. She then balanced carefully on her, now bare, right foot and stepped her left foot on the right sandal.
Immediately, there was a blinding flash of light, such that Havoc had to cover his eyes. When it died down, however, what he saw was an amazing sight.
There stood Major Avalon, and attached to her back was a pair of fully functioning metal wings, shaped like those of a bird, folded neatly to avoid knocking medical supplies over. “Before you ask,” the alchemist stated, “yes, they do fly.”
THUNK.
“Joyce? I’m getting worried, you know…”
“How is that even possible?” the ex-Sue groaned.
“Don’t worry,” Singsong said in a falsely cheery voice. “Havoc’s going to explain how they work, despite the fact he’s never seen anything like it before.” Her hands were shaking again. She popped two more Skittles in her mouth.
“The metal that the wings are made of apparently comes from that which was stored underneath your sandals,” Havoc replied. “When you activate your alchemy, that metal forms a pair of wings, and the way you do it allows you to attach them to your muscles as well. That’s the easy part though - the only issue remaining is that the amount of metal stored beneath your feet isn’t nearly enough to form a pair of wings that size. After all, you alchemists have to follow equivalent exchange, right?”
“Ooh, he has a point,” Singsong grinned. “Wonder if we can get her for not following the laws…”
Avalon smiled. “Very good. That would be everything the general military knows about my transmutation. In fact, I doubt that even the Fuhrer knows more. No one’s ever noticed the issue you brought up with it. And I must ask you not to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”
Havoc replied, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
Joyce’s head was becoming very well acquainted with the wall. “This goes against all sorts of protocol. You don’t get the uninvolved involved. And how would no one notice that she’s disobeying the laws? She works with a bunch of state-certified alchemists who are experts at what they do! Surely someone would notice!” She shook her head in an effort to get rid of the funny glowing spots blocking her vision. “I’ve changed my mind about this girl, Sing. Let’s just kill her.”
“Good to hear,” Singsong grinned.
“There is one main reason why, even if our species suddenly sprouted wings one day, most people would not be able to lift off the ground,” Avalon continued. “Our bones are so dense, with all the marrow inside, that the wings required for such a feat would need to be able to be very powerful. Birds don’t have that problem because their bones are hollow, so their wings can support them.”
“I see,” Havoc replied. “So the extra material for the wings is your own bone marrow?” Avalon nodded. “But technically, that’s transmuting a part of yourself - human transmutation! Isn’t that against the law?”
THUNK. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” Joyce grumbled. “She can’t do that without killing herself. In theory, sure, it sounds cool, but if she’d done any research…”
“You’re the alchemist,” Singsong shrugged. “Where’d she go wrong?”
“First off, there’s only about eight pounds of marrow in the average adult human body,” Joyce explained. “Not enough to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’d think. Second of all, even if that was enough there to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’m pretty sure that you can’t rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal. Thirdly, even if you could rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal, I’m not sure how long she’d last without her bone marrow producing blood cells. And even if all that was possible, how would she get the stuff out of her bones without killing herself?”
Singsong eyed her partner. “Were you going to try human transmutation at some point?”
Joyce muttered something that sounded like, “Anj and Brenden got me out before it came to that.” Singsong decided to let it slide.
“Unfortunately, it does have its side effects on occasion. After all, bone marrow is where new white blood cells are produced, and removing it can severely hamper one’s immune system. Several months ago, I was sent on a mission to check on the desert town of Lior. My superiors claimed that they had received some clues about Brigadier General Hughes’ murder, and they felt that I should go to Lior to investigate further. However, while I was flying over the desert, I got an odd disease, and without much marrow to replace them, my white blood cells had, for the most part, slowly died off. It exhausted me and dulled my senses somewhat, so when I finally made it to Lior and found all of the fighting that was going on there, I was fairly useless.”
“Well, at least she mentions that,” Joyce sighed. “Though I’ll admit, these monologue answers are getting on my nerves.”
“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “It’s like she’s writing an essay or paper or something…”
The Sue went on to explain how her arms had been paralyzed.
“…I saw a few odd people talking - all of them had tattoos that I later identified to be of the ouroboros, they noticed me, I wasn’t able to get out of the way in time, and the woman among them walked up to me and, after correctly identifying me without even having had an introduction, told me that they weren’t going to kill me. Then, she somehow was able to extend her fingernails into sharp lance-like things, and she stabbed me in the arms, slicing the nerve cells in them. Then, they left, and a private who happened to pass by found me and took me straight to the hospital. I was later transferred over here, and… well, I’ve been like this ever since.”
“You don’t tell people these things!” Joyce snarled. “You don’t go around telling deep dark secrets to random bystanders who you hardly know and could potentially be enemies! And if they aren’t enemies, you’re getting innocent people involved in something very, very dangerous!”
“And you can’t get your arms paralyzed like that,” Singsong frowned. “Sure, you think it’d work, but it doesn’t. The spine itself needs to be hit, which would cause everything below that to be paralyzed as well.”
“And why wouldn’t they kill her?” Joyce demanded. “Do they need her for something? Why did they even want to target her in the first place?”
“A lady with an ouroboros tattoo?” Havoc asked, perking up. “Did she happen to have it on the center of her upper chest, and did she like very low cleavage?”
“Yes, she did,” Avalon replied. “Why do you ask?”
Havoc then replied, “If it’s the same one as I think you’re referring to, that’s the one that did this to me.” He motioned towards his legs.
Avalon stepped on her sandal once again, changing her wings back into what they formerly had been. She then placed the sandal back on her foot and sat down. “In that case, I suppose we have more in common than I thought.”
“Oh, you’re paralyzed? So am I! What’s that? The same person who paralyzed you paralyzed me, too? Wow! We must be, like, destined for each other or something!”
“Singsong…”
“Hey, you hafta admit, that is what the Suethor seems to be going for.”
“I’m assuming you’re going to kill her?” Joyce asked as they went through a scene change.
“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “Though I’ll need my hands to stop shaking.” She looked at the fic, which was gliding by as the Suethor quickly described an undetermined amount of time in which Havoc and the Sue seemed to become friends. “I think we’re good now…I’m going back on the sugar.” She pulled eight bags of Skittles out of her knapsack and tore them open.
“Pity,” Joyce said. “I think I like you better sane.”
Singsong rolled her eyes and poured the Skittles down her throat. Joyce turned to watch Havoc and the Sue have a romantic dinner of Xingese takeout in the hospital room.
“This could be cute if it was done right,” Joyce sighed. Singsong didn’t answer, as she was too busy chewing.
And after several minutes of ‘um’s and ‘er’s and ‘you know’s and the like, Havoc eventually stated, “So, um, Major…”
“I don’t think we have to be so formal right now,” Avalon replied. “You can call me by my first name - Christina.”
“Christina,” Havoc repeated. “That’s a beautiful name. Mine is Jean.”
“Jean,” Christina replied. “That’s lovely as well.”
“…They’ve known each other for how long, yet they don’t know each other’s first names?” Joyce asked.
“So, um, Christina… we’ve known each other several months now, and we’re both going to probably have to retire soon anyway… I was thinking that… you know… um… here, why don’t I just show you?” He took a moment to pull something out of his pocket - a small box that, as he opened it, revealed a small emerald engagement ring.
“He doesn’t know her first name, yet he’s asking her to marry him,” Joyce sighed. “Right. Singsong, you almost ready?”
“Huh?” Singsong asked, downing the last of her Skittles and happily looking over her rifle.
“I’ll take that as a yes…”
“Just hurry up and read the charge list,” Singsong said cheerfully.
“Yes, Jean, of course I’ll marry you.”
“Objection!” Joyce exclaimed. The couple turned and, judging from the surprised looks on their faces, saw the two agents on the other side of the room, one of them smiling at a rifle. “Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christina Avalon,” Joyce began, looking at the charge list. “You are hereby charged with creating a mini-chimera, to whit, byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple), with causing Havoc to think that no one will love him just because he’s disabled, with sending Riza Hawkeye out of character, causing her to encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends, causing her to randomly point a gun at someone in the hospital, causing her to not obey her superior’s orders, and using her to explain your past, with creating logic loopholes, with having a Holier-Than-Thou attitude and acting crassly around someone who just lost the use of his legs, with not retiring from the military ASAP, with causing a simple second lieutenant to be able to find out military secrets, with getting an uninvolved bystander involved in a dangerous situation, with having no one notice that you’re disobeying the laws of equivalent exchange, with committing human transmutation with no negative side effects, with being paralyzed in only your arms, which is impossible-though I will admit that, in theory, yes, the idea of having the nerves in the arms cut to cause paralysis does sound like it would work-with not being killed by the Homunculi, with not knowing the first name of the guy you’ve known for several months and vice versa, and with being a Mary-Sue. Your punishment is death. Any last words?”
“What?”
BANG.
The Sue had been standing beside Havoc, but now she was lying on the floor, a bullet hole directly between her eyes. Joyce stared in shock for a moment before turning to Singsong, who still had her rifle positioned on her shoulder. The assassin was grinning.
“Good kill,” she said happily.
“Uh…nice aim?” Joyce answered.
“Thanks! I’m pretty good at sharpshooting, I guess.”
Joyce made a mental note to never try to stand up to Singsong while she had a rifle. “Yeah. Pretty good. C’mon, let’s clean up here.”
“What did you do that for?” Havoc demanded, looking terrified. “Why did you kill her?”
“This light will answer all your questions, Second Lieutenant,” Singsong answered, pulling out a neuralyzer and sunglasses. She had the presence of mind to hand sunglasses to Joyce this time, as well.
Flash.
“Now, you did not just propose to a Mary-Sue, alright? You also haven’t been in the hospital for several months. In fact, once we leave and the canon and timeline snap back into place, you’re going to be getting ready to fill out your retirement papers, alright?”
Joyce was pulling the Sue through a portal. “Ready, Singsong?”
“Yep.”
Singsong looked around when they came out of the portal. “Lior?”
“You said we needed something different than Lab Five.”
“How’s Lior gonna help that?”
“We have about thirty seconds until Scar activates the transmutation circle and creates the Philosopher’s Stone. The transmutation will wipe out everything in its path-including the Sue’s body. C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Joyce opened another portal and picked up byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple). The two agents walked through to the RC.
“All!” Joyce snapped, glaring at the mini who was trying his best to jump up to the bleeprin cabinet. “No! Down!”
“Meow!”
“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “Here, have a new playmate.” She tossed byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) towards him. The mini used her wings
to glide to the ground. “Where’s FullMe-oh, he’s sleeping. Again.”
“You know we aren’t gonna be able to keep all of them, right?” Singsong asked, pulling several chocolate bars out of her candy cabinet.
“Yeah, I know. I want to keep All and FullMetal, though. Think we could find a good home for byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)?”
“Yeah. Probably.”
“Great. Hey, what do mini-chimeras eat?”
“As long as it isn’t candy, I don’t care.”
Fic notes: All in all, this Sue wasn’t quite so bad. She definitely could’ve been better, of course, but she also could’ve been a lot worse. The bad biology was annoying, of course, even though it sounded possible (and thank you to all those who reassured me that no, you can’t be paralyzed in the arms like that, way back in whatever month it was that I posted that question on the Board). What really grated on my nerves, though, was the Holier-Than-Thou, I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You attitude the Sue had. I really couldn’t stand it, especially when she said Havoc was better off than she was. Granted, yes, I’d rather lose the use of my legs than my arms (were that even possible), but still, you don’t say things like that to someone you’ve just met who’s going through a rough time. Not to mention the monologue explanations. It felt like the Suethor was writing the answers to a science lab or something. Original story here: Platinum Angel
Also, timeline-wise, this takes place shortly after Interlude 1, in which Singsong harassed Brenden during his stay in Medical.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Platinum Angel and Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christine Avalon belong to BridgitKiido--not that I want either, of course.
Singsong hummed happily as she returned from Medical. She hadn’t been able to drive Brenden insane for as long as she’d wanted to, but the look on his face when she’d called him a Gary-Stu had made up for it.
When she got back to the RC, Singsong found Joyce restocking a cabinet that hadn’t been there before.
“I found the General Store,” Joyce announced, placing bottles of bleeprin into the cabinet. Singsong scrutinized it. The cabinet was several feet off the floor, and it was decorated with numerous carved roses and vines.
“Where the heck did that come from?” Singsong asked, though she had what passed as an idea in her head.
“I transmuted it,” Joyce said simply. Singsong noticed that the wall around the cabinet had a nice chunk taken out of it to create the new storage space. “I figured we wanted somewhere safe to store the bleeproducts where All can’t get at them.”
From his spot on the bed, the mini-chimera mewed pitifully.
“I already gave you some,” Joyce chided. “Go play with FullMetal or some-”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Singsong shoved a generous amount of candy into her bag as Joyce looked at their newest assignment. The ex-Sue was also stroking All comfortingly, trying to get the mini’s fur to stop standing up straight. Yes, All was a skittish little thing.
“Huh, it’s mangaverse,” Joyce said. “Just a twoshot, too.”
“Good,” Singsong said, checking her weapons. “Shouldn’t take too long, then. What’s the summary?”
“Havoc thought he'd lost everything. But there's someone else out there who may have lost even more than himself,” Joyce read. Singsong froze.
“Havoc?” she repeated.
“Yeah. It’s Havoc/OC.” Joyce watched her partner take a deep breath and add a dozen extra bags of skittles to the candy she was bringing. “Isn’t he your LO?”
Singsong didn’t answer-she merely grabbed her pack and a rifle, checked to be sure the weapon was loaded, and opened a portal. “Let’s go,” she said, looking quite determined. Joyce put All down, grabbed her pistol, and followed.
After the author’s note, the fic started out in the midst of an interesting rainstorm. Buckets of water were falling from the sky. Joyce read the Words.
“Rain poured down in buckets,” she said. “Right.” Then they were in a hospital room.
The weather, however, did very little to worsen the already dismal mood in one of the hospital’s rooms, where two young military men - their ranks second lieutenant and colonel - lay, guarded over byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and her faithful dog. The two men were playing cards, or at least attempting, seeing as the second lieutenant couldn’t get out of the bed at all.
byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) happily came over to the agents. The mini-chimera was a sort of mix between a golden retriever and a hawk, giving a griffin-like appearance. Joyce reached down and scooped the creature up, being careful of its wings. “The poor thing’s name’s bigger than she is,” she grumbled. “Put some spaces between words, for the love of Truth!”
“Come on, Havoc,” the colonel said as he drew a card and put it in his hand, frowning. “Don’t be so down in the dumps. After all, your mood affects your performance and thus my standing. Got any threes?”
Singsong shook her head. “Havoc’s performance doesn’t matter anymore, seeing as he’s not going to ever be able to work again.”
“Why is Havoc in the hospital?” Joyce asked, doing her best to not drool over Roy Mustang as the colonel and the second lieutenant played cards.
“How well do you know the mangaverse?”
“Not very.”
“Long story short, Lust skewers Havoc right through the spine. He’s paralyzed from the hips down.”
“…Ouch.”
“I don’t want to see how the Sue manages to make herself lose even more,” Singsong grumbled.
“And I was looking forward to the real perks of life, too. Getting a pretty wife, having a few kids… but now, there’s not a girl out there who’d even consider dating me.”
“Shows our Suethor’s inner thoughts on disabled people,” Singsong glowered. “Unless they happen to be cute and angst-ridden, I suppose.” She pulled a pencil and pad of paper from her pack and began writing down charges.
“Don’t be silly, Havoc,” the first lieutenant stated in her usual dead-pan way, attempting to console him. “Women like brave men, especially war heroes. As soon as word gets out about this, girls will flock to your side, tending to your injuries.”
Joyce pulled out her CAD and aimed it at Riza.
[Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of Character 34.72%]
“Yeah, she wouldn’t try to console him quite like that…”
“Charge for making Riza encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends,” Singsong muttered. “Really, it’s obvious that all of Roy’s get on her nerves, and it’s probable that she thinks Havoc’s never-ending quest for the perfect girl is a waste of time.”
There was a bit more dialogue during which Roy won the card game, and Havoc lapsed into a sort of angsty silence.
The silence was broken, however, by Black Hayate suddenly noticing someone outside the door. He barked twice to announce the new person's arrival.
Riza stood up on impulse and, without a second's hesitation, pulled out her gun, pointing it toward the door.
“Riza controls herself better than that!” Singsong hissed. “They’re in a glaurunging hospital, not a war zone!” She wrote down another charge. Joyce looked at her CAD. [Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of character 43.80%]
"Um, if this is a bad time, I can always come back later," the person in the door said quietly, stepping inside to reveal herself to be a young woman sporting a knit blue sweater and pair of white gloves, as well as a relatively long black skirt. The glint of a silver pocket watch shone on her side, although it was hard to see since her arms hardly moved at all to prevent it from being covered up.
Singsong snickered at the image of the person in the door. Joyce, meanwhile, winced at the description of the Sue’s clothing, having flashbacks to her own days as a Sue. Then she did a double-take at the Words. “Wait, if she isn’t covering it up, how is it hard to see?” She stepped to the left in time to avoid a small logic loophole.
“Huh. I think I’m getting better at this."
Roy introduced the girl.
"Stand down, Lieutenant Hawkeye. This is Major Avalon, a State Alchemist previously working in investigations under Lieutenant Colonel Hughes... well,while he was still a Lieutenant Colonel. Although I have no idea what a busy Major such as herself would be doing here, visiting wounded soldiers." Hawkeye lowered her gun just a little bit.
“A little bit?” Joyce repeated. “Just a little bit? She wouldn’t disobey direct orders from Roy!” She pointed her CAD, which revealed that Riza was now forty-eight-point-thirty-six percent out of character. “Ugh!”
“Getting protective of your Lust Object’s significant other, are we?” Singsong asked.
“…Maybe. It’s not just that, though-Riza’s nice! And too cool to be-to be used like this!”
Roy mentioned that the Sue had been looking into Hughes’s death.
“But…Bradley didn’t want anyone to look into Hughes’s death,” Joyce pointed out, as the Sue went on to say that she’d had to stop the investigation due to her accident. Riza was used to explain the Sue’s predicament.
"Ah, yes," Hawkeye said, putting her gun away. "I heard about you. From what I heard, you were helping a small group of Ishballan refugees to a new camp when a freak accident caused you to become paralyzed in just your arms, with no nerves left to attach auto mail to. Hmm, sort of like Havoc here, who's now unable to move his legs." Havoc looked up slightly
“Wait, is it possible to become paralyzed in the arms?” Joyce wondered. Singsong frowned.
“Well…not without paralyzing the legs as well, it isn’t. It would take a hit to the actual spinal cord.”
“So that’s a charge, then?”
“Yep. Though I’d like to see how she rationalizes it first…”
Joyce suddenly realized something. “Singsong…you haven’t eaten any candy since we got into the fic, have you?”
The other grimaced. “She’s after Havoc. I can’t afford to be distracted!”
And Singsong was obviously very focused on the fic. Her eyes weren’t glazed, for one, her mood was more stable, she appeared relatively calm, and, well, a lot more there than usual.
“You should stay off the sugar more often,” Joyce said. “It does wonders for your personality.”
Singsong stared at her. “Stay off the sugar? Are you insane?”
Joyce sighed and elected to watch the Sue show off her alchemy, creating a sort of metallic hand that extended from her back.
"Transmutation circles in my shoes let me transform the metal plate on my back into arm-like substitutes, so that I can at least utilize something similar to them. I'm still not perfect at it though, and it takes a lot of energy to do, so I can't do it too much without resting. I sort of envy Havoc there, because although he can't move his legs, he could still utilize some sort of chair with wheels to get around. He, at least, can move his arms easily still, so that he can affect things even if he can't easily move there to do it."
Havoc blinked once or twice. Was he hearing this right?
“Am I hearing this right?” Singsong demanded. “You don’t walk into a hospital room and tell some guy who just lost the use of his legs how lucky he is! I mean, okay, sure, losing the use of your arms is probably worse-albeit impossible-but the poor man’s probably still in shock! I mean… Gah! It’s just rude! And if you’ve just lost the use of your arms, you should have some inkling of what he’s going through!” She tore at her hair. Joyce frowned.
“You know…other than her I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You-Are standpoint and her Holier-Than-Thou attitude and the bad biology, the story isn’t all that bad and stuff…” Joyce said slowly.
“Meh,” Singsong shrugged, writing down another charge. Joyce patted byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and watched the Sue give Havoc a little gift box thing that was supposed to give him a hint at what her state alchemist title was.
“It could be better, definitely, but still…”
“Are you trying to tell me something?” Singsong asked as Roy asked the Sue out to dinner just so he could tease Havoc.
"Hey Major, would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Avalon turned toward the colonel, her face not as happy as it had been a moment ago, and stated, "I'm sorry, Colonel Mustang sir, but I must refuse. My parents and I are having dinner tonight, as we've had planned for two months already. Besides, you're still too weak to go out, correct?" She then departed.
Singsong scowled. “And so the Suethor makes her Sue destined to be with Havoc by having her snidely dump Roy.” She glanced at Joyce. “Shouldn’t you be more upset by this?”
Joyce frowned. “I…well…she reminds me of me.”
Singsong cocked an eyebrow. “Reminds you of you? How the heck does a Mary-Sue remind you of…” Pause. “Wait a minute…you’re an ex-Sue, aren’t you?”
Joyce’s eyes rolled in exasperation. “Yes.”
“…Oh.”
There was a moment of silence, during which Havoc opened the gift box thing from the Sue.
Inside was a small pendant, with a charm of pure platinum in the shape of a single downy feather.
“You weren’t this bad,” Singsong said at last. “Well, that’s what Anj and Sanderson say at least, and while I don’t trust Sanderson, I do trust Anj. And Anj says you were just really angsty.”
Joyce frowned and ignored the author’s note booming from the sky, which was calling the fic a oneshot. Apparently, the author hadn’t thought she was going to write another chapter. “Well, this one’s angsty too…less than I was, actually.”
“That doesn’t make her any better,” Singsong said with a wave of her hand. “Your only problem was the angst…and the sex scenes. According to Anj, at least.
Character-wise, you were pretty well-off. This girl’s character is stuck-up, holier-than-thou, pity-me-because-I’m-worse-off-than-you-but-I-don’t-need-pity-because-I’m-so-strong, and just downright annoying.”
Joyce didn’t remember the Sue outright saying that she didn’t need pity. She supposed that it was more-or-less implied and that Singsong’s protectiveness of Havoc was picking up on and emphasizing it. “I don’t know, Sing…”
“You’re only acting like this because it isn’t your LO she’s after,” Singsong said as they moved on into chapter two. “If you start trying to save every Sue we come across, I’ll have to kill you.”
It was meant to be a joke, but Joyce still flinched. “Right. Sure.”
Every so often, between visits from his parents and retirement people, Major Avalon would visit the young Second Lieutenant. He appreciated her company, although usually it was just the two of them playing cards.
“How sweet,” Singsong said dryly.
“Could be worse,” Joyce shrugged. “Did I ever tell you about the one time Roy got wounded in Ishbal--”
“Don’t tell me,” Singsong snapped. “I don’t need to deal with whatever hurt/comfort scene your Suvian instincts drove you to.”
Joyce smirked. “Then there was the time I got wounded in Ishbal…”
“Please don’t tell me,” Singsong said, and Joyce suddenly noticed that her partner’s hands were shaking ever so slightly. She frowned.
“Um…Singsong? You okay?”
Singsong looked at her hands and blinked. “Oh.” She pulled a bag of Skittles from her knapsack, carefully ripped it open, and rationed out three of the candies, which she ate. The rest of the bag went back into the knapsack. Joyce watched skeptically.
“You’re that addicted, huh?”
“Well…yeah.”
“You lasted longer without sugar in our first mission.”
“It wasn’t quite so harrowing.”
“The girl didn’t know what punctuation was!”
“Yes, but she wasn’t going after Havoc.”
“So, Lieutenant, what were you reading?”
“Oh, it’s just something I picked up to pass the time,” Havoc replied as he dealt the cards.
“Wait, cards?” Joyce repeated. “How is she playing cards if she can’t use her hands?”
“Doesn’t say,” Singsong said, scanning the Words. “Look out for that logic loophole.”
“I saw it…”
The two of them had set up a small table relatively close to the bed, and Avalon had helped Havoc to sit up on the edge of the bed. “Some of the more public records about the State Alchemists. I was trying to look you up, and I think I found you. Your second name is Platinum Wing, correct?”
“I hate it when authors can’t think up good state alchemist titles, don’t you?” Singsong asked. “Though I’ll admit that this one’s better than the Crystal Blood Alchemist, or the Dark Tears Alchemist, or the Floral Blossom Alchemist…”
Joyce coughed. Singsong smirked.
“Sorry, Rosebud.”
“Please don’t call me that…”
Avalon smiled. “That’s correct; when I was in service, I was known as the Platinum Wing Alchemist. Of course, that’s almost all in the past now; due to my injuries, I believe I’m probably going to have to retire soon.”
“Why hasn’t she retired yet?” Joyce asked. “I mean…it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“It’s so she has an excuse to hang out with Havoc,” Singsong said, rolling her eyes. “In the manga, though, Havoc filed for retirement almost immediately after he realized he couldn’t be healed. This Sue should’ve done the same as soon as possible, like, after being stable enough to live on her own. The military probably wouldn’t be happy having a useless soldier in its ranks, getting paid for nothing.”
Havoc, meanwhile, was talking to the Sue about the big secret behind how she’d gotten her injury-presumably from that freak accident while escorting a group of Ishballans.
“Things don’t quite add up with that, though. These records state that you were injured only a few months ago, and there haven’t been any Ishballan movements - well, except for Scar, but he’s a special case - in over a year. Also, how would you be investigating the death of General Hughes before your injury if you were escorting the victims of war?” He glanced at her.
Avalon smiled sweetly and replied, “I like intelligent men like you. Quite perceptive, to have figured me out like that.”
There was a very loud THUNK as Joyce’s head hit the wall. “If top secret military information was so freaking easy that a simple second lieutenant trained mostly for combat and not investigations could figure out its secrets with just a little digging around, Amestris would’ve fallen a long time ago.”
Singsong patted her on the back. The Sue, in the meantime, prepared to show Havoc, a basically innocent bystander, a well-kept military secret. In the hospital.
Where anyone could walk in and see.
THUNK.
“You’re going to get a headache,” Singsong said.
“You don’t go around telling classified information the military kept secret for a reason just because you’re retiring,” Joyce groaned. “That’s just stupid. And you definitely don’t show someone who’s completely uninvolved.”
“Well…at least she closed the blinds and door first.”
“Not good enough.”
Using her left foot, she pulled her right sandal off, revealing it to have several transmutation circles placed, as described, where her toes could easily reach them. She then flipped it over, revealing a second, larger, more ornate circle on the bottom, which was, oddly enough, formed from some sort of metal. She then balanced carefully on her, now bare, right foot and stepped her left foot on the right sandal.
Immediately, there was a blinding flash of light, such that Havoc had to cover his eyes. When it died down, however, what he saw was an amazing sight.
There stood Major Avalon, and attached to her back was a pair of fully functioning metal wings, shaped like those of a bird, folded neatly to avoid knocking medical supplies over. “Before you ask,” the alchemist stated, “yes, they do fly.”
THUNK.
“Joyce? I’m getting worried, you know…”
“How is that even possible?” the ex-Sue groaned.
“Don’t worry,” Singsong said in a falsely cheery voice. “Havoc’s going to explain how they work, despite the fact he’s never seen anything like it before.” Her hands were shaking again. She popped two more Skittles in her mouth.
“The metal that the wings are made of apparently comes from that which was stored underneath your sandals,” Havoc replied. “When you activate your alchemy, that metal forms a pair of wings, and the way you do it allows you to attach them to your muscles as well. That’s the easy part though - the only issue remaining is that the amount of metal stored beneath your feet isn’t nearly enough to form a pair of wings that size. After all, you alchemists have to follow equivalent exchange, right?”
“Ooh, he has a point,” Singsong grinned. “Wonder if we can get her for not following the laws…”
Avalon smiled. “Very good. That would be everything the general military knows about my transmutation. In fact, I doubt that even the Fuhrer knows more. No one’s ever noticed the issue you brought up with it. And I must ask you not to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”
Havoc replied, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
Joyce’s head was becoming very well acquainted with the wall. “This goes against all sorts of protocol. You don’t get the uninvolved involved. And how would no one notice that she’s disobeying the laws? She works with a bunch of state-certified alchemists who are experts at what they do! Surely someone would notice!” She shook her head in an effort to get rid of the funny glowing spots blocking her vision. “I’ve changed my mind about this girl, Sing. Let’s just kill her.”
“Good to hear,” Singsong grinned.
“There is one main reason why, even if our species suddenly sprouted wings one day, most people would not be able to lift off the ground,” Avalon continued. “Our bones are so dense, with all the marrow inside, that the wings required for such a feat would need to be able to be very powerful. Birds don’t have that problem because their bones are hollow, so their wings can support them.”
“I see,” Havoc replied. “So the extra material for the wings is your own bone marrow?” Avalon nodded. “But technically, that’s transmuting a part of yourself - human transmutation! Isn’t that against the law?”
THUNK. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” Joyce grumbled. “She can’t do that without killing herself. In theory, sure, it sounds cool, but if she’d done any research…”
“You’re the alchemist,” Singsong shrugged. “Where’d she go wrong?”
“First off, there’s only about eight pounds of marrow in the average adult human body,” Joyce explained. “Not enough to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’d think. Second of all, even if that was enough there to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’m pretty sure that you can’t rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal. Thirdly, even if you could rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal, I’m not sure how long she’d last without her bone marrow producing blood cells. And even if all that was possible, how would she get the stuff out of her bones without killing herself?”
Singsong eyed her partner. “Were you going to try human transmutation at some point?”
Joyce muttered something that sounded like, “Anj and Brenden got me out before it came to that.” Singsong decided to let it slide.
“Unfortunately, it does have its side effects on occasion. After all, bone marrow is where new white blood cells are produced, and removing it can severely hamper one’s immune system. Several months ago, I was sent on a mission to check on the desert town of Lior. My superiors claimed that they had received some clues about Brigadier General Hughes’ murder, and they felt that I should go to Lior to investigate further. However, while I was flying over the desert, I got an odd disease, and without much marrow to replace them, my white blood cells had, for the most part, slowly died off. It exhausted me and dulled my senses somewhat, so when I finally made it to Lior and found all of the fighting that was going on there, I was fairly useless.”
“Well, at least she mentions that,” Joyce sighed. “Though I’ll admit, these monologue answers are getting on my nerves.”
“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “It’s like she’s writing an essay or paper or something…”
The Sue went on to explain how her arms had been paralyzed.
“…I saw a few odd people talking - all of them had tattoos that I later identified to be of the ouroboros, they noticed me, I wasn’t able to get out of the way in time, and the woman among them walked up to me and, after correctly identifying me without even having had an introduction, told me that they weren’t going to kill me. Then, she somehow was able to extend her fingernails into sharp lance-like things, and she stabbed me in the arms, slicing the nerve cells in them. Then, they left, and a private who happened to pass by found me and took me straight to the hospital. I was later transferred over here, and… well, I’ve been like this ever since.”
“You don’t tell people these things!” Joyce snarled. “You don’t go around telling deep dark secrets to random bystanders who you hardly know and could potentially be enemies! And if they aren’t enemies, you’re getting innocent people involved in something very, very dangerous!”
“And you can’t get your arms paralyzed like that,” Singsong frowned. “Sure, you think it’d work, but it doesn’t. The spine itself needs to be hit, which would cause everything below that to be paralyzed as well.”
“And why wouldn’t they kill her?” Joyce demanded. “Do they need her for something? Why did they even want to target her in the first place?”
“A lady with an ouroboros tattoo?” Havoc asked, perking up. “Did she happen to have it on the center of her upper chest, and did she like very low cleavage?”
“Yes, she did,” Avalon replied. “Why do you ask?”
Havoc then replied, “If it’s the same one as I think you’re referring to, that’s the one that did this to me.” He motioned towards his legs.
Avalon stepped on her sandal once again, changing her wings back into what they formerly had been. She then placed the sandal back on her foot and sat down. “In that case, I suppose we have more in common than I thought.”
“Oh, you’re paralyzed? So am I! What’s that? The same person who paralyzed you paralyzed me, too? Wow! We must be, like, destined for each other or something!”
“Singsong…”
“Hey, you hafta admit, that is what the Suethor seems to be going for.”
“I’m assuming you’re going to kill her?” Joyce asked as they went through a scene change.
“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “Though I’ll need my hands to stop shaking.” She looked at the fic, which was gliding by as the Suethor quickly described an undetermined amount of time in which Havoc and the Sue seemed to become friends. “I think we’re good now…I’m going back on the sugar.” She pulled eight bags of Skittles out of her knapsack and tore them open.
“Pity,” Joyce said. “I think I like you better sane.”
Singsong rolled her eyes and poured the Skittles down her throat. Joyce turned to watch Havoc and the Sue have a romantic dinner of Xingese takeout in the hospital room.
“This could be cute if it was done right,” Joyce sighed. Singsong didn’t answer, as she was too busy chewing.
And after several minutes of ‘um’s and ‘er’s and ‘you know’s and the like, Havoc eventually stated, “So, um, Major…”
“I don’t think we have to be so formal right now,” Avalon replied. “You can call me by my first name - Christina.”
“Christina,” Havoc repeated. “That’s a beautiful name. Mine is Jean.”
“Jean,” Christina replied. “That’s lovely as well.”
“…They’ve known each other for how long, yet they don’t know each other’s first names?” Joyce asked.
“So, um, Christina… we’ve known each other several months now, and we’re both going to probably have to retire soon anyway… I was thinking that… you know… um… here, why don’t I just show you?” He took a moment to pull something out of his pocket - a small box that, as he opened it, revealed a small emerald engagement ring.
“He doesn’t know her first name, yet he’s asking her to marry him,” Joyce sighed. “Right. Singsong, you almost ready?”
“Huh?” Singsong asked, downing the last of her Skittles and happily looking over her rifle.
“I’ll take that as a yes…”
“Just hurry up and read the charge list,” Singsong said cheerfully.
“Yes, Jean, of course I’ll marry you.”
“Objection!” Joyce exclaimed. The couple turned and, judging from the surprised looks on their faces, saw the two agents on the other side of the room, one of them smiling at a rifle. “Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christina Avalon,” Joyce began, looking at the charge list. “You are hereby charged with creating a mini-chimera, to whit, byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple), with causing Havoc to think that no one will love him just because he’s disabled, with sending Riza Hawkeye out of character, causing her to encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends, causing her to randomly point a gun at someone in the hospital, causing her to not obey her superior’s orders, and using her to explain your past, with creating logic loopholes, with having a Holier-Than-Thou attitude and acting crassly around someone who just lost the use of his legs, with not retiring from the military ASAP, with causing a simple second lieutenant to be able to find out military secrets, with getting an uninvolved bystander involved in a dangerous situation, with having no one notice that you’re disobeying the laws of equivalent exchange, with committing human transmutation with no negative side effects, with being paralyzed in only your arms, which is impossible-though I will admit that, in theory, yes, the idea of having the nerves in the arms cut to cause paralysis does sound like it would work-with not being killed by the Homunculi, with not knowing the first name of the guy you’ve known for several months and vice versa, and with being a Mary-Sue. Your punishment is death. Any last words?”
“What?”
BANG.
The Sue had been standing beside Havoc, but now she was lying on the floor, a bullet hole directly between her eyes. Joyce stared in shock for a moment before turning to Singsong, who still had her rifle positioned on her shoulder. The assassin was grinning.
“Good kill,” she said happily.
“Uh…nice aim?” Joyce answered.
“Thanks! I’m pretty good at sharpshooting, I guess.”
Joyce made a mental note to never try to stand up to Singsong while she had a rifle. “Yeah. Pretty good. C’mon, let’s clean up here.”
“What did you do that for?” Havoc demanded, looking terrified. “Why did you kill her?”
“This light will answer all your questions, Second Lieutenant,” Singsong answered, pulling out a neuralyzer and sunglasses. She had the presence of mind to hand sunglasses to Joyce this time, as well.
Flash.
“Now, you did not just propose to a Mary-Sue, alright? You also haven’t been in the hospital for several months. In fact, once we leave and the canon and timeline snap back into place, you’re going to be getting ready to fill out your retirement papers, alright?”
Joyce was pulling the Sue through a portal. “Ready, Singsong?”
“Yep.”
Singsong looked around when they came out of the portal. “Lior?”
“You said we needed something different than Lab Five.”
“How’s Lior gonna help that?”
“We have about thirty seconds until Scar activates the transmutation circle and creates the Philosopher’s Stone. The transmutation will wipe out everything in its path-including the Sue’s body. C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Joyce opened another portal and picked up byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple). The two agents walked through to the RC.
“All!” Joyce snapped, glaring at the mini who was trying his best to jump up to the bleeprin cabinet. “No! Down!”
“Meow!”
“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “Here, have a new playmate.” She tossed byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) towards him. The mini used her wings
to glide to the ground. “Where’s FullMe-oh, he’s sleeping. Again.”
“You know we aren’t gonna be able to keep all of them, right?” Singsong asked, pulling several chocolate bars out of her candy cabinet.
“Yeah, I know. I want to keep All and FullMetal, though. Think we could find a good home for byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)?”
“Yeah. Probably.”
“Great. Hey, what do mini-chimeras eat?”
“As long as it isn’t candy, I don’t care.”
Fic notes: All in all, this Sue wasn’t quite so bad. She definitely could’ve been better, of course, but she also could’ve been a lot worse. The bad biology was annoying, of course, even though it sounded possible (and thank you to all those who reassured me that no, you can’t be paralyzed in the arms like that, way back in whatever month it was that I posted that question on the Board). What really grated on my nerves, though, was the Holier-Than-Thou, I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You attitude the Sue had. I really couldn’t stand it, especially when she said Havoc was better off than she was. Granted, yes, I’d rather lose the use of my legs than my arms (were that even possible), but still, you don’t say things like that to someone you’ve just met who’s going through a rough time. Not to mention the monologue explanations. It felt like the Suethor was writing the answers to a science lab or something. Original story here: Platinum Angel