Mission 4: Falling Away From Sanity
Many thanks to agenttrojie for betaing. ^_^
This is a bad slash mission, so to stay on the safe side, I advise not reading it at work or school.
Timeline-wise: Late November.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. The agents Trojie and Pads belong to agenttrojie and tea_fiend. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Falling away from me belongs to kathy lee skyler--not that I want it, of course.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Joyce had been restocking the bleeproduct cabinet, but she was now attempting to pry a terrified mini off of her head. She felt bad that All was so skittish, but the chimera's instant panic attacks were getting annoying. It could be worse, she supposed. He could be intentionally mauling her, as FullMetal had done to Brenden. "What is it this time?" she asked her partner as she calmed the mini down. "Some girl trying to get into Ed's pants again?"
"No..." Singsong said slowly from the console. "It's much worse."
Joyce stroked All's back, which was a little hard to do when he was latched on her head. "Oh. It'd be Havoc's pants, then?"
"Not that much worse."
"Well, what is it?" Joyce asked.
"Bad slash," Singsong answered, with just a hint of distaste. Joyce frowned.
"Do you have a vendetta against that department or something?" Joyce asked, and she had a sudden flashback to when those agents from the DBS had come to adopt the mini-chimera byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple).
"I'm Trojie, this is Pads," the woman standing at the door said, gesturing to the large dog standing next to her. "We're here for that mini?"
"Oh, yeah," Joyce said, taking a few steps back so the agents could enter the RC. "Thanks for coming. You're over in Bad Slash, aren't you?"
"Yeah, we are."
"BAD SLASHERS?!?" That was Singsong, shrieking from where she'd been eating chocolate by her candy cupboard. "WHY are there Bad Slashers in our RC??"
"They're here to pick up byFirst Lieutenant Riza--"
"Fine! Take her! Just get out!" Singsong practically threw the hawk-dog chimera at the confused Trojie, and then started pushing the visiting agents out the door. "Get out of the RC! Out! Now! Out, out, OUT!"
"Can you please control the flashbacks a little better?" Singsong demanded, holding her head. "That hurts! And before you say anything, yes, I do have something against the DBS, and it's none of your business."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Joyce grunted. "C'mon, All, let go."
"Meowhissssssss!"
"So what's this thing about, anyway?" Joyce asked, still working at the mini's grip.
"Looks like Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong said. Joyce nearly fell over.
"What?"
"I said, Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong repeated. Joyce finally yanked All off of her head and dropped him on the floor, ignoring his displeasure. She hurried over to the console to see the horror for herself as Singsong read the summary. "Ed is being forced to do 'favors' for Roy, being determined to protect his brother no matter what. But how long before Ed breaks down? Warning: Yaoi, Rape, Bondage! you know you want to read it you naughty, naughty girl..."
"No," Joyce whimpered. "No, I don't. I really, really don't."
"It's just a little bad slash," Singsong sighed, leaving the console to find the exorcism kit.
"I refuse to go into a fic where my LO rapes my brother!" Joyce snapped, and Singsong realized that convincing her partner to take on this mission would take a little work. Mindful of this, the few sane brain cells left in her cranium came together in an effort to produce a good argument.
"He isn't really your brother," she began, rooting through her candy cabinet for the exorcism kit. "Actually, you're technically related to All and FullMetal more. All of you are the results of bad writing."
"I don't care. I'm not doing it."
Singsong found the exorcism kit hidden behind a stack of Twix bars. She pulled it out of the cabinet, along with most of the Twix. "C'mon, Joyce. It's a nasty job, but someone's gotta do it." It was a trite line to use, but those few brain cells were rather strained from holding on long enough for Singsong to make her argument.
Joyce put a hand to her head. "I don't think I feel so good."
"You don't think? That’s kinda dangerous here in HQ. Come on, let’s go.”
“I have a headache,” Joyce said stubbornly. “And my throat hurts. And I sprained my ankle when I took FullMetal out for a walk. And I’m seeing purple and pink spots, and I think I’m coming down with something.” She coughed for effect. “Get Anj or Brenden to help you out-I need to get to Medical.”
“I am not going to work with Sanderson,” Singsong scowled. “And I’m certainly not going to take Anj away and leave him unsupervised. He'd probably blow up HQ. Besides, they’re DMS, not DBS. They wouldn’t know what to do.”
“Then take someone from DBS!”
Singsong bristled. “Not gonna happen.”
“Well, I’m not going into that fic.”
“Fine then. We’ll stay here and let Roy molest your brother.”
Moment of silence.
“So…how does one do an exorcism, exactly?”
Singsong grinned. “Great! Let’s go!” And, just like that, those few sane brain cells that’d been holding on together so very tightly let go, shooting to the farthest corners of Singsong’s brain to maintain equilibrium. Singsong shoved the exorcism kit into her bag, and Joyce fumbled with the consol’s controls.
“I’m gonna regret this,” she muttered under her breath as she opened a portal. “I’m really, really, really gonna regret this…”
“Can’t be any worse than anything you and Roy did in Ishbal,” Singsong shrugged as she stepped through the portal. Joyce glared after her.
“All, FullMetal, stay,” she told the minis, offhandedly wondering what it’d do to them to watch whatever atrocities were about to occur. Then she followed her partner.
The first thing Joyce noticed about the fic was that she felt like she was being watched.
“Singsong?”
“Hmm?” the other asked around a mouthful of Twix.
“Do you get the feeling that we’re being watched?”
“That’d be the chapter title,” Singsong said. “‘It all stared when’.”
Meanwhile, Edward Elric was standing outside Roy’s office while the author gave the time-honored excuse of a mission report as the reason for his being there. Joyce stared at the words.
“He’s upset because Mustang sent him on a mission to check out something in a town the locals claimed was the Philosopher’s Stone…and it was a painting. Of the Philosopher’s Stone. How does that happen? I thought Military Intelligence was better than that!”
“It’s all just a ploy to get Ed to go to Mustang’s office in a bad mood so there can be sexual tension,” Singsong said. “I thought an ex-Sue would understand that.”
“It was a rhetorical question, you idiot.”
Meanwhile, Ed had entered Mustang’s office and was confronting the man with badly-formatted dialogue.
Roy slowly turned around to face Edward. "You have some explaining to do, you bastard." Roy looked at him blankly. "Huh?" "How could you have NOT noticed what it really was! You made me drag my ass all the way to that town for a stinkin painting! "
“Paragraphs, people,” Joyce groaned, holding her hand out to Singsong. “Hand me the charge list.”
“This is an exorcism. We don’t charge people.”
“What?”
“That’s the way it works,” Singsong shrugged. “Though we do keep note of offences for the mission records… Oh, look, Mustang’s been drinking.”
“What? Why?” Joyce scanned the Words for any mention of Hughes’s death, or other such thoughts that would drive her LO to alcohol during a workday. When she found none, she scowled. “Apparently only so there’s a reason for him to molest Ed. Not that it makes much sense at all… Oh, look, he’s offering alcohol to a minor.”
Then he thought twice about it. "No, you're underage and too small to handle drinkin-" "WHO ARE YOU CALLING PIPSQUEAK SO SMALL THAT IF HE TRIED TO TAKE A DRINK OF A BEVERAGE, HE WOULD FALL RIGHT INTO THE CUP AND DROWN!" Roy then stared at Ed with a smirk on his face. "You're cute when you're angry."
“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “When do we perform this exorcism?”
Singsong shrugged as she chewed on a Milky Way bar. Joyce turned back to the fic, where Ed was shocked at Mustang’s behavior.
"Uh...did you just-was I hearing thin-what did you-Grah! Tell me what you just said!" Roy got up from his chair and leaned close to Ed. "You're also cute when you're gruntled." He added.
“‘Gruntled’? What the heck does that mean?”
“Well, Ed hasn’t sprouted a snout and a curly tail, so I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with pigs…”
“Heh,” Joyce smirked. “A pig. Now that’d be interesting. All those neko-cat-chimera things get annoying after a while…” She trailed off, watching bleakly as Roy pressed Ed down onto the couch. “Oh, good Truth…”
"It will be easier for you if you gave in." Roy whispered to his ear.
“Okay,” Joyce said, turning to her partner as her LO tied her not-brother’s arms behind his back, “since we need to take down charges for the sake of mission report stuff, could you hand me the list?” It’d give her something to do to get her mind off of the ridiculous scene before her and the unnerving feeling of being watched, since she couldn’t lapse into a state of sugar-induced cluelessness like her partner.
“Sure,” Singsong said, rummaging through her pack. “Skittles, Twix, Reese’s, Twix, exorcism kit, M&Ms…” She trailed off, frowning. “Um…”
“Yes?”
“The notepad isn’t in here.”
Joyce slapped her forehead. “Great. Just great. Now what?”
Roy brought out another cloth and within seconds, he was on top of Ed again. Ed thrashed around madly, and stared to call out for Alphonse again. Roy quickly thrust the cloth in his mouth and tied the ends together behind his head. Edward felt a new sense of helplessness and thrashed himself harder, trying to slip out from under Roy. Tears stared to form in his eyes. Roy slid his hand across Ed's cheek, sending shivers down his spine. "Let's have some fun."
“End of the first chapter,” Singsong announced, and Joyce no longer felt like someone was watching her every move. She could scarcely enjoy the relief, however, before chapter two’s author’s note started booming out of the sky.
I don't have much experiance with smex scenes (a more polite way of saying sex, at least for me) so don't be too mean. I COULD have better smex scenes if people can freakin suggest scenes for me, so till then PUT UP WITH THESE SUCKY ONES!
“You have got to be freaking kidding me,” Joyce said. “‘Smex’?”
“Nice of her to be concerned about politeness,” Singsong said as she munched on some M&Ms. Joyce couldn’t tell if her partner was being sarcastic or just clueless.
“Why does she care about politeness? She’s writing a poorly done slash rapefic! Where’s something I can use as a charge list?”
“We can just memorize them,” Singsong suggested.
“It’s the principle of the thing,” Joyce snapped back, not bothering to point out that Singsong probably had the attention span of a goldfish, and thus the memorization would fall solely on the ex-Sue.
Roy started to kiss around Ed's neck, sucking on the skin as he did so. Ed flinched and whimpered, trying to turn his head at an angle so that Roy can have more difficulty kissing his neck.
“Ugh, now she’s switching tenses!” Joyce exclaimed, her fingers itching for a pen and paper.
While Roy threatened to let Ed and Al’s secret loose to the military should Ed not comply, Joyce found relief. There was a Generic Pen laying on Roy’s Generic Desk. She picked it up, happy to have solved half of her problem. Now for paper.
Edward squirmed slightly and moaned, unexpectly. Roy smirked as he looked down at him. I have him all to myself now...
--
Ok. I cut it short. WAAAAAAAAH! I have no idea what to write next, SOMEONE HELP ME! Oh, review.
“SHUT UP!!” Joyce screamed at the ceiling. She frantically looked about for paper. If she couldn’t kill to ease her nerves on this mission, she was quite certain that writing angrily would help…
“There’s no paper,” she said stupidly. “Why isn’t there any paper in a Generic Office? Even a post-it note-” She paused. Of course. The time period was the early 1900s. Which meant there wouldn’t be any post-it notes, or index cards, or any of the other modern office supplies that she’d been introduced to.
Crap.
Though that still didn't explain why there wasn't any blank paper. Joyce wondered if this was the Laws of Narrative Comedy at work.
“The title for chapter three is ‘So’,” Singsong said. “What kind of title is that?”
“What kind of story is that?” Joyce demanded, staring stupidly at the Words.
So, ok. DON'T KILL ME! I promise smex scenes to come! I found a few AWESOME people to help me with those.
Before I do, i've gotten a few complaints and comments so i'm going to ask you guys to vote for certain things to see what YOU want.
Here they are:
--
Double-spacing
A) It's better that way.
B) It's hard to read/ I don't like it
Plot
A) It'll be better with more plot then smex.
B) I don't mind if it doesn't have plot, either way is fine
C) WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT AS LONG AS THERE ARE HOT SMEX SCENES!
--
Just a few comments some people had so i wanted to make sure. I'm open to ANY ideas, so feel free to suggest and get bossy.
If you have ideas for smex scenes (which i usually need help with) write out the scene and send it to me. I will put it in the story
and give credit ONLY to whoever sent me the scene. WILL BE WORSHIPED IF DONE! Thank you. I'll work on the next chapter now.
“I…need…paper,” Joyce said. “Now.”
“Here,” Singsong said, handing over the wrapper of the candy bar she was eating. Joyce yanked it out of her partner’s hand and started scribbling on it furiously.
A moment later, she screamed in fury and threw the wrapper back at Singsong. Apparently, Generic Pens didn’t write well on cellophane.
Meanwhile, chapter four started, complete with stupid author’s note.
Ok, HERE IT IS! (hesitently looks down at typing board) Uh...(sweat drop) Uh...(more sweat) FINE, I'LL JUST WRITE WHATEVER COMES TO MIND!!
--
Roy kept kissing the center of Ed's chest, sucking on the skin as he hungrily felt the outlines of Ed's hips with his hands. It was uncomfortable for Ed as he couldn't shift around with his hands bound behind him.
Unable to take it anymore, Joyce decided to forgo the paper. She rolled up her left uniform sleeve and began writing on her arm.
“Making Roy drink for no reason while he’s at work,” she grumbled, pressing hard on her skin with the pen. “Bad formatting. Making Roy molest Ed. Really stupid author’s notes that take up entire chapters-which, by the way, is against fanfiction.net’s rules.”
Roy went on to untie Ed, and then continued making out with him until Alex Louis Armstrong made a thankfully in-character dramatic entrance.
Just then, the door came flying out of it's frame with Louis Armstrong standing behind it. "Sorry for breaking down your door, sir. That has been passed down my family for generations!" Armstrong said proudly, flexing his muscles. "I wanted to ask-Wha! What are you doing?!"
“Dear Truth, what is that?” Joyce demanded, pointing at the thing that had appeared. It had the body and head of a Great Dane, a peacock’s tail, and large black horns protruding from its head and pincers jutting out from its mouth. And a blond mustache, and a curly lock of hair dangling from its forehead. It stared at Joyce regally, and a little voice in the back of her head proclaimed, These amazingly unique good looks have been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations!
“Good Gate,” she grumbled, and then she clapped her hands. “Louis Armstrong! Come here!”
The mini strolled over in a grand fashion, and Joyce sighed, wondering how much of Armstrong’s character the thing retained. Probably a lot.
Roy was coming up with a lousy excuse for why his tongue was in Edward’s mouth.
"ED! ED, ARE YOU OK NOW!" Ed looked back at Roy, confused and blank. "Good, you're breathing. I thought I lost you." Roy said, smiling inwardly at himself for being a genius. He pretended to notice Armstrong for the first time. "Armstrong, glad you're here." Roy got off of Ed and stood next to Armstrong. "Ed was chocking on his food and after I got him to cough it out, he stopped breathing, so I had to perform mouth-to-mouth."
Joyce bristled and put her pen to her arm. “Causing Roy to come up with stupid excuses that can’t be proven because there’s no food for Ed to choke-Singsong, be careful about how much you put in your mouth at a time!”
“Sowwy,” the other answered, voice muffled.
"Job well done, sir! Edward is fortunate to have someone like you as his superior! Although, I could have helped out. Mouth-to-mouth has been passed down my famliy for generations!" Armstrong beamed, taking off his shirt revealing his muscles and sparkles.
“Causing Armstrong to be so naïve and gullible that he actually bought said stupid excuse.”
Louis Armstrong barked in a regal display of irritation.
"You can go now. I'll be calling you to ask you to come by my house later. Expect punishment for what you did." With that, Roy walked off, leaving Ed to shudder and sink down his knees, wondering what he got himself into.
--
Heh...yeah. (puts arms in front of herself) DON'T KILL ME! I DID MY BEST! I'll make up for that, I SWEAR! And you have to admit, that was funny. Review!
“Next chapter,” Singsong said.
“Why the heck is it titled ‘It begins’?” Joyce demanded. “I thought this thing began four chapters ago!”
“Maybe she’s referring to the beginning of her making a script formatted author’s note?” Singsong suggested. Joyce looked and groaned, seeing that there was indeed script format.
lost cause331: Meep. I would NEVER let Armstrong do mouth-to-mouth on me. Poor Ed. Has to go over to the colonel's house.
“Um, if I was dying, I’d probably be unconscious and have no say in the matter," Joyce said, raising her hand. "And if I wasn’t unconscious I think I’d let whoever could save me do mouth-to-mouth.” She glanced at Louis Armstrong. “Don’t think you could do it, though. What the heck are those pincers for, anyway?”
The mini gazed at her regally, and she sighed.
“Sorry, I’m lost,” Singsong said. “Who is this lost cause331? Because I didn’t think that’s the author’s name.”
Kathy: Yep. Well, finally some lime scenes! Here's a chapter I came up with ALL BY MYSELF!
“There’s the author,” Joyce sighed.
“Oh. Okay.”
lost cause331: Uh...don't you mean the one I wrote for you?
Kathy: Blasemy! Lies!
lost cause331: ...
Kathy: Ok, fine! SHE wrote it.Only to the part where Roy was started to rub soap and stuff. I changed some things though. And by the way, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!! (worships)
“Excuse me?” Joyce demanded as the author’s note ended. “Her reviewer wrote a chapter?”
“Well, yeah, they just said,” Singsong shrugged.
“But-but-”
Ed was reading a book on advanced philosophy in his room.
“Um…since when does Ed care about advanced philosophy?” Joyce demanded. Singsong shrugged. Ed got a call from the colonel.
"Edward. Do you know where my house is?" Came Roy's reply. "Uh, no. No, I don't." Ed lied, hoping he won't have to come over.
"You do know Fullmetal, you've been there in verious occasions." "If you know that I know, why the hell did you ask me?!" Ed exclaimed. "I was testing you. That said, I need you to come. Now." There was a click on the other line as Mustang hung up the phone. Edward angrily slammed his down. Bastard!
“Stupid formatting. Why’d she start a random paragraph?”
Singsong munched on a Twix bar. Louis Armstrong stood looking noble. The scene switched to Ed standing at Roy’s door.
After a long stare, he spoke. "You look tired," Roy said simply. "Of course I'm tired!!You call me in the middle of the night and expect me to cheerfully walk to your house and-gaah!" Roy quickly grabs Ed and pull him in, locking the door after he does so.
“Switching tenses,” Joyce grumbled, writing on her arm.
"Now let me explain the rules." Roy started.
"Rules?! What rules?!" Roy holds up a hand to pause him. "I have information that I will give you daily about the Philosopher's Stone. I will also not tell authorities about your brother's body or the transmutation you two attempted years ago. If...you do what I say. Every time you do something I don't like, expect to be punished."
Joyce wondered how much longer it’d be until they could perform the exorcism.
"Edward, you look tired. A nice bath in my large and deep bathtub should help." Ed nodded gratefully and walked inside the bathroom. Roy then tugs on the bottom of Ed's shirt and starts to pull it up. "C-colonel, w-what are you d-doing?" Ed stammers, trying to pull away. Roy takes off Ed's shirt before removing his own. "I can't leave my guest all by himself, can I." He reasons, smirking.
“Oh…dear…Truth,” Joyce said. Being an ex-Mary-Sue, she knew foreplay when she saw it, and was having simultaneous flashbacks to both her Sue days and the first Mary-Sue and Singsong had killed. Mei Dearle hadn’t been this explicit. She’d just commented on the fact that they’d had sex. This fic, however…
Joyce watched uncomfortably as Roy stripped Ed before whimpering, “Nnnnnn…” and uncomfortably turning away. She was unable to resist reading the words, though, so she knew when Roy forced Ed to come into the bathtub.
Ed is placed between Roy's legs and made to lean back against Roy's chest by two arms around his own chest. Roy takes one of the arms away and prepares a washcloth with sweet smelling body wash. He then starts to gently (scary gently to Ed) wash Ed's upper body.
“Hey, since when does the tub have water in it?” Singsong asked, not sounding at all perturbed.
“Don’t know. Don’t care,” Joyce whimpered. Still, she pulled her sleeve up a little more and wrote Creating plotholes on her arm.
She nearly downed her entire bottle of bleeprin when Roy gave her not-brother a hand-job, but she forced herself not to. She didn’t want to think that there was worse to come, but this was a bad slash fic and she worked for the PPC.
"Why are you crying? You know you liked that." Roy says, kissing the side of Ed's face. "I didn't want that." Ed replys with a quivering voice. Roy ignores him and gently strokes Ed's jawline. Ed sat silent looking down with his tears splating agianst the bathwater.
How long am I gonna have to do this?
“Hopefully not too much longer,” Joyce mumbled, sitting through another author’s note.
Kathy: OHMYGOD!IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT! I DID IT! I did the scene without chickening out! Yay! All thanks to you!! (hugs Lost cause331 very tightly)
lost cause331: I can't believe the very first time I ever write any thing like that is in a review. I haven't even started practicing yaoi stuff. Or any kind of scenes for that matter.
Kathy: But you did good. Remember onlookers, you can always donate a scene. Not too much, just a little scene to give me an idea. IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE GOOD CHAPTERS, DO THAT! Review. Oh, yeah. BONDAGE SCENES ON THE WAY!! (gasp) I'm gonna have even more trouble with that...
“You Truth-damned IDIOT!!” Joyce screamed. “If you can’t write the stuff, why are you bothering with writing the stuff?! Stop ordering your reviewers to come up with scenes for you! ARGH!!”
“Chapter six, entitled ‘Or else’,” Singsong said cheerfully.
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. It’s just a poll.”
Ok! Right before I write the next scene, i'm gonna ask you guys to take a vote on some more stuff to see what is it that YOU people want. Here it is, VOTE OR THE STORY STOPS! Not only that, I'l selfishly take Ed and Al all to myself for you people to NEVER SEE AGAIN!! Ha,ha,ha,ha!
--
(i'm going to be very specific)
For the Bondage scenes:
a) furry handcuffs
b) rope
c) chains
d) ALL!
Would you approve the use of 'toys'?
a) sure
b) no, not really
LEAST AND MOST IMPORTANT!!
(in one of the later chapers Roy decides to share Ed with someone as punishment. Three-some!! So who should it be?)
Well, first of all would you like a three-some?
a) no
b) says nothing and drools
WHO WILL IT BE?
a) Havoc
b) Hughes
c) Armstrong (pleeeease, don't vote for this! It'll be a little too rough for Ed. No, seroiusly. No.)
d) other character you thought of...(write who in review)
--SO FAR (mostly concertrating on the three-some thing):
Havoc 2
no three-some 4
Envy 1
FINE! NO THREE-SOME! (sobs) I wanted a three-some...
Use of toys: 10 yes So, yeah!
“And that’s it,” Singsong said, popping some Skittles into her mouth.
“That’s it?” Joyce demanded, staring. “That isn’t even a story!”
Chapter seven started with yet another whiny author’s note.
OK! HERE IT IS! I Was gonna look at dojins, but decided FINE i'll finish the chapter! (growls) You readers better make up for this by giving me good doujinshi websites. I also WAS gonna put more plot in it and was gonna write that Ed went home and about a conversation he had with Al that made him decide giving himself to Roy was worth it for his brother and make the story more deep, but right now I don't have much time before my mom comes, and i'm too lazy. Here's another smex scene.
“I hate this girl,” Joyce hissed. “I really, really, really hate her.” She decided that the glare Louis Armstrong was giving the fic must’ve been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations, because it was just that amazing.
The raven-haired man was sitting on a chair in his living room, tapping on a glass he was holding in his hand, waiting patiently for Edward to arrive. He hadn't done much to the boy yesterday, but was planning to have a little more fun today.
“‘Hadn’t done much’?” Joyce repeated. “Oh, sure, he only molested the kid in the bathtub, no big deal!” She paused a moment, thinking, before pulling her sleeve up further and added Pedophilia to the list. She wasn’t sure what the age of legal consent was in Amestris, but then she didn’t really care, either.
Ed showed up at Roy’s house. Roy dragged him up to the bedroom, where he ordered the boy to strip before forcing him onto the bed and binding his arms and legs to the bedposts. Having a very good idea of what was going to happen next, Joyce started to turn around-and stopped, staring at the Words.
Ed looked up and saw that Mustang was holding a cylinder-like object with a round edge that had a cord connected to a control switch.
Joyce whirled back around, watching Roy blindfold Ed and feeling like her stomach was going to explode. “Don’t tell me he’s going to-” she started, breaking off as Roy did just that. “That isn’t even biologically possible!!!” she shrieked. “That-that isn’t supposed to go in there! It’s-it’s not-” She broke off, staring in horror as Roy turned the vibrator on. “OhTruthohTruthohTruthohTruth…”
“See, bad slash missions aren’t all that great, because they’re just as stressful as Suefics, but don’t have the benefit of killing things,” Singsong was explaining to Louis Armstrong. “That’s why more people join the Department of Mary-Sues, or the Department of Floaters, instead of the Department of Bad Slash. That, and the fact that the DBS is filled with weird perverted freaks.” [*falls over laughing* What on *Earth* happened to Singsong? I am *so* curious...]
“I’m sure they’re fine people,” Joyce chided weakly, steadfastly ignoring Roy as he molested her brother again. Nothing could be as weird or perverted as this fic.
“No, they’re weird and perverted,” Singsong insisted, looking upset. “Trust me.” And she muttered something under her breath. Joyce caught the words “Sanderson”, “idiot”, “Luxury”, and “kill him for that”.
Ed, meanwhile, had come to climax, and Roy was kissing him. The chapter ended with, much to Joyce’s dismay, yet another author’s note.
THERE! HAPPY?! Oh, forgot to mention. THE VOTES! People don't seem to like furry handcuffs so , no furry handcuffs.
There will be toys! As you just saw...yeah, too late for that comment.
As for the three-some the majority voted no three-some! (glares angrily at readers) B-but I WANTED a three-some! (sob) Why?! Whhhhhhy?! (sob) REVIEW!
“It’s your fic, you idiot,” Joyce mumbled. “If you want a threesome, write the damn thing.” She looked over at Singsong as chapter eight started. “Can we exorcise this thing yet?”
"I don’t know. Soon, I guess.”
“You guess??”
Chapter eight featured the author's poor attempt at angst, as Ed went back home to Alphonse.
"Ah, look at that," Singsong sighed, popping some M&Ms into her mouth. "The author explains Al's true feelings for his brother... Looks like we'll have to take care of Al, too."
Joyce blinked. "What true feelings? I mean, they're all each other has...they love...each...other..." Her eyes widened as she read the Words. "ELRICEST?!?"
"Yep. It happens. Hang on, chapter nine looks like another Author's note thing... URGENT URGENT NEWS FOR ANY FMA FAN! Wonder what that means..."
Joyce was incoherent, her pen and charge-filled arm forgotten as she stared at Al, who was watching his sleeping brother. "ELRICEST?!?"
"Yeah. You know. When the Elric brothers are being incest...uous..." Singsong trailed off as the author's note that was chapter nine boomed out of the sky.
I went to a comic book store called Myth Adventures and I was reading ANIME INSIDER or some other anime magizine and I SAW SOMETHING BEYOND MARVOLOUS!! It's SOOO wonderful it's almost ORGASMIC!! EEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!
So i was reading the reader letters and one said,
"I heard a rumor from one of my friends in Japan that BONES leaked out information that there was gonna be a new Fullmetal Alchemist series. I wish with all my heart that it was true, but we all knew it ended with the movie."
AND THE RESPONSE WAS!!
"Yes, in fact it's absolutly true. Although we're not sure of the fact that BONES will be sponsering it this time, as we heard they have denyed it. There will be a brand new Fullmetal Alchemist series coming out"
After which i screamed a loud fangirl scream, then everyone in the store turned to stare at me.
BUT YES IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!! HOLLALUYA!! PRIASE THE LORD!! YES! YES! THERE IS A GOD! (runs to a church)
"What?" Singsong demanded.
"Elricest," Joyce growled, pressing the pen to her arm so hard as she wrote the charge that it was a miracle she didn't draw blood. Louis Armstrong watched worriedly.
"ANOTHER FMA series?" Singsong shrieked.
"Why in the world would anyone feel the need to write Elricest?" Joyce demanded, looking to Louis Armstrong for an answer. The mini didn't have one.
"Do you have ANY IDEA what this means?" Singsong asked, turning to the mini-chimera.
"People are SICK PERVERTS!" Joyce raged. "Ed and Al don't love each other like that!"
"We're gonna get SWAMPED with missions!" Singsong shouted, waving her arms dramatically. M&Ms went flying from the open packet in her hand.
"There's a certain beauty to platonic love, you know! People need to learn to appreciate it!"
"There's gonna be a BAJILLION stupid fangirls watching this thing, and they're ALL gonna write badfic for it!"
The peacock-great dane-rhinocerous beetle hybrid looked back and forth between the two agents spilling their woes, uncertain of what to do. Apparently, knowledge of how to act as a therapist had not been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. He barked in what he hoped was an encouraging way.
"Elricest," Joyce snorted, shaking her head in disgust.
"And she can't even spell 'Hallelujah' right," Singsong added. "Another FMA series. The world must hate me. I bet Sanderson's behind this somehow... Maybe he used his precious Star Wars technology to implant the idea of another series into the producers' heads..."
"I refuse to sit through this any longer," Joyce said, glancing at the Words. "Even if there's one short chapter that's two parts whiny author's notes, one part bad attempt at angst. Can we exorcise it now?"
"Sure."
"Alright. Let's do this thing," Joyce said, shoving the pen in her pocket and taking out her alchemy chalk. A quick circle around the oblivious canons later, she yanked the exorcism kit from her partner and opened it. The boxed set of the first half of season one lay inside, along with a bell. Singsong grabbed the latter and started ringing it, causing a loud, annoying clanging sound that got the attention of the canons. Al turned towards them and Ed sat up in the Generic Bed. Joyce picked up the boxed set and, hoping to Truth she was doing it right, started shouting.
"Get thee behind me, Bad Slash! Begone, Angst!" She hit her not-brothers over the heads with the canon material. "Begone, Stupid Author's Notes and Whining! Avaunt, Lack of Caring, Bad Biology, and Rape! Avaunt! The power of Arakawa compells you!"
Joyce had never seen an Author Wraith before, but she assumed that was what the ghostly thing that came out of the Elrics was.
"Hey! This is my story! You can't do that!" it shouted. "If it's so bad, why don't you help me write it! I'll give you links to some really good doujinshis!"
"Avaunt!" Joyce repeated, going to hit the thing with the boxed set, and not being terribly surprised when the DVDs passed straight through the gray form.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (sob)," the Wraith said, and then it was gone.
What happened next was a bit chaotic. Joyce had been standing near enough to Ed and Al to hit them, and thus suddenly found an automail fist engaging her gut. She stumbled backwards, dropping the boxed set to clutch at her stomach while Al shifted into a defensive position and Ed sat up straighter in the bed.
"Okay," the Fullmetal Alchemist snapped. "Who the hell are you, and what just happened, and--" He broke off suddenly, wincing as the laws of biology suddenly came into existence and certain parts of his body experienced excrutiating pain. "What...the...hell?" he gasped, before collapsing back in bed. Alphonse looked worried.
"Brother?"
Joyce, still clutching her stomach, whimpered and wondered where that awful clanging noise was coming from. Then she groaned and slowly straightened before looking at her partner. "Singsong, you can stop ringing the bell."
"Huh? Oh, right." The clanging stopped. Singsong looked at the Elrics. "Okay. We still need to get Roy."
"And Ed needs a doctor."
"You take him to Medical, then. I'll handle Roy."
"You sure?"
"Well, I don't need you drooling all over the exorcism kit," Singsong said, and she left before Joyce could argue. Louis Armstrong regally leapt through the portal after her. The ex-Sue turned to the people who were not her halfbrothers, and a feeling of awkwardness descended upon the room. "Um. Hi."
"Hi?" Al was such a sweet person. A little naive, but sweet.
"Okay, look, I can't really explain what's going on, but I'm here to help. So...you'll just have to trust me."
"Hell no," Ed snapped.
"Okay," Al said cautiously.
"Alphonse!"
"Can you pick him up?" Joyce asked Al as she pulled out her remote activator and opening a portal. At Ed's panicked expression, she added, "It's not the Gate. Come on."
She assumed the man on the other side of the portal was Dr. Fitzgerald. She wondered if she was supposed to explain the problem, but the man simply looked at Ed, directed Alphonse to put him in one of the beds, and got to work. That left Joyce and Alphonse standing together, waiting.
"So," Al said. "What's your name?"
"It's Joyce," she sighed. "Joyce Odelia Reesin."
"Nice to meet you."
"Yeah. You too."
"I'm Al."
"I know."
"Done," Dr. Fitzgerald announced as Ed stood up. "You'd better get them back now."
"Kay. Thanks." Joyce opened a portal. Singsong and Louis Armstrong were on the other side, along with a very confused-looking Roy Mustang.
"Oh, good, you're back," Singsong said, pulling out a neuralyser and putting on her sunglasses. Joyce grabbed her own pair and jammed them on her head before her partner went FLASH-crazy. As an afterthought, she scooped up the mini-chimera and covered his eyes. "Everyone, if you would please look at the red light. It will answer all your questions."
FLASH.
"Roy, you did not molest Ed. You did not...do anything with a vibrator. You never did anything of that sort to Ed. Ed, Roy never did any of those things to you. Al, you do not love your brother in anything other than the platonic sense. Everyone got that? Good. Let's go."
Once back in the RC, Louis Armstrong became acquainted with All and FullMetal. Joyce dropped the exorcism kit on the floor and collapsed in a chair while the minis sniffed each other curiously.
"I hate bad slash," she announced. "Especially incest. WHY?"
Singsong didn't answer. She was avidly searching for something on the console's screen. After a moment, her shoulders slumped.
"Dammit."
"What?"
"There is another FMA series coming out." She took a deep breath. "And it's based more on the manga than the first."
"Something wrong with that?" Joyce wondered. "Aside from the whole 'getting swamped with fics' thing..."
"Havoc's a bit more prominent in the manga."
"...Oh." Yeah, that could be a problem. Singsong was deadly when it came to protecting her LO. "I'm sure it'll be fine."
"No, it won't. You just said it would be, so the Laws of Narrative Comedy will make sure it isn't. My life sucks."
"Hey, I just watched my brother get raped by my Lust Object."
"They're not your brothers!"
"Well...yeah."
Fic Notes: Um...there is no describing how stupid, idiotic, and downright ANNOYING this one was. I mean, seriously. If you can't WRITE slash, WHY are you WRITING SLASH? And the author's constant begging, threatening, pleading, and bargaining for help from her reviewers was just... UGH. Seriously, people... >.< There were probably more author's notes in this fic than actual fic. Original fic here: Falling away from me
Well. Poor Joyce is probably scarred for life now. Poor thing. XD As for Singsong, don't worry, her little vendetta against the DBS will be explained later on.
Also, the mini-chimera Louis Armstrong is up for adoption, should anyone want him. He has a very noble and regal personality, and everything he does is a trait that's been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. Though this wasn't really explained, he's also exceedingly strong, thanks to both the character he was meant to be, and the part of him that's rhinoceros beetle. As a special bonus, here's a badly-put-together picture. XD
This is a bad slash mission, so to stay on the safe side, I advise not reading it at work or school.
Timeline-wise: Late November.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. The agents Trojie and Pads belong to agenttrojie and tea_fiend. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Falling away from me belongs to kathy lee skyler--not that I want it, of course.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Joyce had been restocking the bleeproduct cabinet, but she was now attempting to pry a terrified mini off of her head. She felt bad that All was so skittish, but the chimera's instant panic attacks were getting annoying. It could be worse, she supposed. He could be intentionally mauling her, as FullMetal had done to Brenden. "What is it this time?" she asked her partner as she calmed the mini down. "Some girl trying to get into Ed's pants again?"
"No..." Singsong said slowly from the console. "It's much worse."
Joyce stroked All's back, which was a little hard to do when he was latched on her head. "Oh. It'd be Havoc's pants, then?"
"Not that much worse."
"Well, what is it?" Joyce asked.
"Bad slash," Singsong answered, with just a hint of distaste. Joyce frowned.
"Do you have a vendetta against that department or something?" Joyce asked, and she had a sudden flashback to when those agents from the DBS had come to adopt the mini-chimera byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple).
"I'm Trojie, this is Pads," the woman standing at the door said, gesturing to the large dog standing next to her. "We're here for that mini?"
"Oh, yeah," Joyce said, taking a few steps back so the agents could enter the RC. "Thanks for coming. You're over in Bad Slash, aren't you?"
"Yeah, we are."
"BAD SLASHERS?!?" That was Singsong, shrieking from where she'd been eating chocolate by her candy cupboard. "WHY are there Bad Slashers in our RC??"
"They're here to pick up byFirst Lieutenant Riza--"
"Fine! Take her! Just get out!" Singsong practically threw the hawk-dog chimera at the confused Trojie, and then started pushing the visiting agents out the door. "Get out of the RC! Out! Now! Out, out, OUT!"
"Can you please control the flashbacks a little better?" Singsong demanded, holding her head. "That hurts! And before you say anything, yes, I do have something against the DBS, and it's none of your business."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Joyce grunted. "C'mon, All, let go."
"Meowhissssssss!"
"So what's this thing about, anyway?" Joyce asked, still working at the mini's grip.
"Looks like Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong said. Joyce nearly fell over.
"What?"
"I said, Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong repeated. Joyce finally yanked All off of her head and dropped him on the floor, ignoring his displeasure. She hurried over to the console to see the horror for herself as Singsong read the summary. "Ed is being forced to do 'favors' for Roy, being determined to protect his brother no matter what. But how long before Ed breaks down? Warning: Yaoi, Rape, Bondage! you know you want to read it you naughty, naughty girl..."
"No," Joyce whimpered. "No, I don't. I really, really don't."
"It's just a little bad slash," Singsong sighed, leaving the console to find the exorcism kit.
"I refuse to go into a fic where my LO rapes my brother!" Joyce snapped, and Singsong realized that convincing her partner to take on this mission would take a little work. Mindful of this, the few sane brain cells left in her cranium came together in an effort to produce a good argument.
"He isn't really your brother," she began, rooting through her candy cabinet for the exorcism kit. "Actually, you're technically related to All and FullMetal more. All of you are the results of bad writing."
"I don't care. I'm not doing it."
Singsong found the exorcism kit hidden behind a stack of Twix bars. She pulled it out of the cabinet, along with most of the Twix. "C'mon, Joyce. It's a nasty job, but someone's gotta do it." It was a trite line to use, but those few brain cells were rather strained from holding on long enough for Singsong to make her argument.
Joyce put a hand to her head. "I don't think I feel so good."
"You don't think? That’s kinda dangerous here in HQ. Come on, let’s go.”
“I have a headache,” Joyce said stubbornly. “And my throat hurts. And I sprained my ankle when I took FullMetal out for a walk. And I’m seeing purple and pink spots, and I think I’m coming down with something.” She coughed for effect. “Get Anj or Brenden to help you out-I need to get to Medical.”
“I am not going to work with Sanderson,” Singsong scowled. “And I’m certainly not going to take Anj away and leave him unsupervised. He'd probably blow up HQ. Besides, they’re DMS, not DBS. They wouldn’t know what to do.”
“Then take someone from DBS!”
Singsong bristled. “Not gonna happen.”
“Well, I’m not going into that fic.”
“Fine then. We’ll stay here and let Roy molest your brother.”
Moment of silence.
“So…how does one do an exorcism, exactly?”
Singsong grinned. “Great! Let’s go!” And, just like that, those few sane brain cells that’d been holding on together so very tightly let go, shooting to the farthest corners of Singsong’s brain to maintain equilibrium. Singsong shoved the exorcism kit into her bag, and Joyce fumbled with the consol’s controls.
“I’m gonna regret this,” she muttered under her breath as she opened a portal. “I’m really, really, really gonna regret this…”
“Can’t be any worse than anything you and Roy did in Ishbal,” Singsong shrugged as she stepped through the portal. Joyce glared after her.
“All, FullMetal, stay,” she told the minis, offhandedly wondering what it’d do to them to watch whatever atrocities were about to occur. Then she followed her partner.
The first thing Joyce noticed about the fic was that she felt like she was being watched.
“Singsong?”
“Hmm?” the other asked around a mouthful of Twix.
“Do you get the feeling that we’re being watched?”
“That’d be the chapter title,” Singsong said. “‘It all stared when’.”
Meanwhile, Edward Elric was standing outside Roy’s office while the author gave the time-honored excuse of a mission report as the reason for his being there. Joyce stared at the words.
“He’s upset because Mustang sent him on a mission to check out something in a town the locals claimed was the Philosopher’s Stone…and it was a painting. Of the Philosopher’s Stone. How does that happen? I thought Military Intelligence was better than that!”
“It’s all just a ploy to get Ed to go to Mustang’s office in a bad mood so there can be sexual tension,” Singsong said. “I thought an ex-Sue would understand that.”
“It was a rhetorical question, you idiot.”
Meanwhile, Ed had entered Mustang’s office and was confronting the man with badly-formatted dialogue.
Roy slowly turned around to face Edward. "You have some explaining to do, you bastard." Roy looked at him blankly. "Huh?" "How could you have NOT noticed what it really was! You made me drag my ass all the way to that town for a stinkin painting! "
“Paragraphs, people,” Joyce groaned, holding her hand out to Singsong. “Hand me the charge list.”
“This is an exorcism. We don’t charge people.”
“What?”
“That’s the way it works,” Singsong shrugged. “Though we do keep note of offences for the mission records… Oh, look, Mustang’s been drinking.”
“What? Why?” Joyce scanned the Words for any mention of Hughes’s death, or other such thoughts that would drive her LO to alcohol during a workday. When she found none, she scowled. “Apparently only so there’s a reason for him to molest Ed. Not that it makes much sense at all… Oh, look, he’s offering alcohol to a minor.”
Then he thought twice about it. "No, you're underage and too small to handle drinkin-" "WHO ARE YOU CALLING PIPSQUEAK SO SMALL THAT IF HE TRIED TO TAKE A DRINK OF A BEVERAGE, HE WOULD FALL RIGHT INTO THE CUP AND DROWN!" Roy then stared at Ed with a smirk on his face. "You're cute when you're angry."
“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “When do we perform this exorcism?”
Singsong shrugged as she chewed on a Milky Way bar. Joyce turned back to the fic, where Ed was shocked at Mustang’s behavior.
"Uh...did you just-was I hearing thin-what did you-Grah! Tell me what you just said!" Roy got up from his chair and leaned close to Ed. "You're also cute when you're gruntled." He added.
“‘Gruntled’? What the heck does that mean?”
“Well, Ed hasn’t sprouted a snout and a curly tail, so I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with pigs…”
“Heh,” Joyce smirked. “A pig. Now that’d be interesting. All those neko-cat-chimera things get annoying after a while…” She trailed off, watching bleakly as Roy pressed Ed down onto the couch. “Oh, good Truth…”
"It will be easier for you if you gave in." Roy whispered to his ear.
“Okay,” Joyce said, turning to her partner as her LO tied her not-brother’s arms behind his back, “since we need to take down charges for the sake of mission report stuff, could you hand me the list?” It’d give her something to do to get her mind off of the ridiculous scene before her and the unnerving feeling of being watched, since she couldn’t lapse into a state of sugar-induced cluelessness like her partner.
“Sure,” Singsong said, rummaging through her pack. “Skittles, Twix, Reese’s, Twix, exorcism kit, M&Ms…” She trailed off, frowning. “Um…”
“Yes?”
“The notepad isn’t in here.”
Joyce slapped her forehead. “Great. Just great. Now what?”
Roy brought out another cloth and within seconds, he was on top of Ed again. Ed thrashed around madly, and stared to call out for Alphonse again. Roy quickly thrust the cloth in his mouth and tied the ends together behind his head. Edward felt a new sense of helplessness and thrashed himself harder, trying to slip out from under Roy. Tears stared to form in his eyes. Roy slid his hand across Ed's cheek, sending shivers down his spine. "Let's have some fun."
“End of the first chapter,” Singsong announced, and Joyce no longer felt like someone was watching her every move. She could scarcely enjoy the relief, however, before chapter two’s author’s note started booming out of the sky.
I don't have much experiance with smex scenes (a more polite way of saying sex, at least for me) so don't be too mean. I COULD have better smex scenes if people can freakin suggest scenes for me, so till then PUT UP WITH THESE SUCKY ONES!
“You have got to be freaking kidding me,” Joyce said. “‘Smex’?”
“Nice of her to be concerned about politeness,” Singsong said as she munched on some M&Ms. Joyce couldn’t tell if her partner was being sarcastic or just clueless.
“Why does she care about politeness? She’s writing a poorly done slash rapefic! Where’s something I can use as a charge list?”
“We can just memorize them,” Singsong suggested.
“It’s the principle of the thing,” Joyce snapped back, not bothering to point out that Singsong probably had the attention span of a goldfish, and thus the memorization would fall solely on the ex-Sue.
Roy started to kiss around Ed's neck, sucking on the skin as he did so. Ed flinched and whimpered, trying to turn his head at an angle so that Roy can have more difficulty kissing his neck.
“Ugh, now she’s switching tenses!” Joyce exclaimed, her fingers itching for a pen and paper.
While Roy threatened to let Ed and Al’s secret loose to the military should Ed not comply, Joyce found relief. There was a Generic Pen laying on Roy’s Generic Desk. She picked it up, happy to have solved half of her problem. Now for paper.
Edward squirmed slightly and moaned, unexpectly. Roy smirked as he looked down at him. I have him all to myself now...
--
Ok. I cut it short. WAAAAAAAAH! I have no idea what to write next, SOMEONE HELP ME! Oh, review.
“SHUT UP!!” Joyce screamed at the ceiling. She frantically looked about for paper. If she couldn’t kill to ease her nerves on this mission, she was quite certain that writing angrily would help…
“There’s no paper,” she said stupidly. “Why isn’t there any paper in a Generic Office? Even a post-it note-” She paused. Of course. The time period was the early 1900s. Which meant there wouldn’t be any post-it notes, or index cards, or any of the other modern office supplies that she’d been introduced to.
Crap.
Though that still didn't explain why there wasn't any blank paper. Joyce wondered if this was the Laws of Narrative Comedy at work.
“The title for chapter three is ‘So’,” Singsong said. “What kind of title is that?”
“What kind of story is that?” Joyce demanded, staring stupidly at the Words.
So, ok. DON'T KILL ME! I promise smex scenes to come! I found a few AWESOME people to help me with those.
Before I do, i've gotten a few complaints and comments so i'm going to ask you guys to vote for certain things to see what YOU want.
Here they are:
--
Double-spacing
A) It's better that way.
B) It's hard to read/ I don't like it
Plot
A) It'll be better with more plot then smex.
B) I don't mind if it doesn't have plot, either way is fine
C) WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT AS LONG AS THERE ARE HOT SMEX SCENES!
--
Just a few comments some people had so i wanted to make sure. I'm open to ANY ideas, so feel free to suggest and get bossy.
If you have ideas for smex scenes (which i usually need help with) write out the scene and send it to me. I will put it in the story
and give credit ONLY to whoever sent me the scene. WILL BE WORSHIPED IF DONE! Thank you. I'll work on the next chapter now.
“I…need…paper,” Joyce said. “Now.”
“Here,” Singsong said, handing over the wrapper of the candy bar she was eating. Joyce yanked it out of her partner’s hand and started scribbling on it furiously.
A moment later, she screamed in fury and threw the wrapper back at Singsong. Apparently, Generic Pens didn’t write well on cellophane.
Meanwhile, chapter four started, complete with stupid author’s note.
Ok, HERE IT IS! (hesitently looks down at typing board) Uh...(sweat drop) Uh...(more sweat) FINE, I'LL JUST WRITE WHATEVER COMES TO MIND!!
--
Roy kept kissing the center of Ed's chest, sucking on the skin as he hungrily felt the outlines of Ed's hips with his hands. It was uncomfortable for Ed as he couldn't shift around with his hands bound behind him.
Unable to take it anymore, Joyce decided to forgo the paper. She rolled up her left uniform sleeve and began writing on her arm.
“Making Roy drink for no reason while he’s at work,” she grumbled, pressing hard on her skin with the pen. “Bad formatting. Making Roy molest Ed. Really stupid author’s notes that take up entire chapters-which, by the way, is against fanfiction.net’s rules.”
Roy went on to untie Ed, and then continued making out with him until Alex Louis Armstrong made a thankfully in-character dramatic entrance.
Just then, the door came flying out of it's frame with Louis Armstrong standing behind it. "Sorry for breaking down your door, sir. That has been passed down my family for generations!" Armstrong said proudly, flexing his muscles. "I wanted to ask-Wha! What are you doing?!"
“Dear Truth, what is that?” Joyce demanded, pointing at the thing that had appeared. It had the body and head of a Great Dane, a peacock’s tail, and large black horns protruding from its head and pincers jutting out from its mouth. And a blond mustache, and a curly lock of hair dangling from its forehead. It stared at Joyce regally, and a little voice in the back of her head proclaimed, These amazingly unique good looks have been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations!
“Good Gate,” she grumbled, and then she clapped her hands. “Louis Armstrong! Come here!”
The mini strolled over in a grand fashion, and Joyce sighed, wondering how much of Armstrong’s character the thing retained. Probably a lot.
Roy was coming up with a lousy excuse for why his tongue was in Edward’s mouth.
"ED! ED, ARE YOU OK NOW!" Ed looked back at Roy, confused and blank. "Good, you're breathing. I thought I lost you." Roy said, smiling inwardly at himself for being a genius. He pretended to notice Armstrong for the first time. "Armstrong, glad you're here." Roy got off of Ed and stood next to Armstrong. "Ed was chocking on his food and after I got him to cough it out, he stopped breathing, so I had to perform mouth-to-mouth."
Joyce bristled and put her pen to her arm. “Causing Roy to come up with stupid excuses that can’t be proven because there’s no food for Ed to choke-Singsong, be careful about how much you put in your mouth at a time!”
“Sowwy,” the other answered, voice muffled.
"Job well done, sir! Edward is fortunate to have someone like you as his superior! Although, I could have helped out. Mouth-to-mouth has been passed down my famliy for generations!" Armstrong beamed, taking off his shirt revealing his muscles and sparkles.
“Causing Armstrong to be so naïve and gullible that he actually bought said stupid excuse.”
Louis Armstrong barked in a regal display of irritation.
"You can go now. I'll be calling you to ask you to come by my house later. Expect punishment for what you did." With that, Roy walked off, leaving Ed to shudder and sink down his knees, wondering what he got himself into.
--
Heh...yeah. (puts arms in front of herself) DON'T KILL ME! I DID MY BEST! I'll make up for that, I SWEAR! And you have to admit, that was funny. Review!
“Next chapter,” Singsong said.
“Why the heck is it titled ‘It begins’?” Joyce demanded. “I thought this thing began four chapters ago!”
“Maybe she’s referring to the beginning of her making a script formatted author’s note?” Singsong suggested. Joyce looked and groaned, seeing that there was indeed script format.
lost cause331: Meep. I would NEVER let Armstrong do mouth-to-mouth on me. Poor Ed. Has to go over to the colonel's house.
“Um, if I was dying, I’d probably be unconscious and have no say in the matter," Joyce said, raising her hand. "And if I wasn’t unconscious I think I’d let whoever could save me do mouth-to-mouth.” She glanced at Louis Armstrong. “Don’t think you could do it, though. What the heck are those pincers for, anyway?”
The mini gazed at her regally, and she sighed.
“Sorry, I’m lost,” Singsong said. “Who is this lost cause331? Because I didn’t think that’s the author’s name.”
Kathy: Yep. Well, finally some lime scenes! Here's a chapter I came up with ALL BY MYSELF!
“There’s the author,” Joyce sighed.
“Oh. Okay.”
lost cause331: Uh...don't you mean the one I wrote for you?
Kathy: Blasemy! Lies!
lost cause331: ...
Kathy: Ok, fine! SHE wrote it.Only to the part where Roy was started to rub soap and stuff. I changed some things though. And by the way, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!! (worships)
“Excuse me?” Joyce demanded as the author’s note ended. “Her reviewer wrote a chapter?”
“Well, yeah, they just said,” Singsong shrugged.
“But-but-”
Ed was reading a book on advanced philosophy in his room.
“Um…since when does Ed care about advanced philosophy?” Joyce demanded. Singsong shrugged. Ed got a call from the colonel.
"Edward. Do you know where my house is?" Came Roy's reply. "Uh, no. No, I don't." Ed lied, hoping he won't have to come over.
"You do know Fullmetal, you've been there in verious occasions." "If you know that I know, why the hell did you ask me?!" Ed exclaimed. "I was testing you. That said, I need you to come. Now." There was a click on the other line as Mustang hung up the phone. Edward angrily slammed his down. Bastard!
“Stupid formatting. Why’d she start a random paragraph?”
Singsong munched on a Twix bar. Louis Armstrong stood looking noble. The scene switched to Ed standing at Roy’s door.
After a long stare, he spoke. "You look tired," Roy said simply. "Of course I'm tired!!You call me in the middle of the night and expect me to cheerfully walk to your house and-gaah!" Roy quickly grabs Ed and pull him in, locking the door after he does so.
“Switching tenses,” Joyce grumbled, writing on her arm.
"Now let me explain the rules." Roy started.
"Rules?! What rules?!" Roy holds up a hand to pause him. "I have information that I will give you daily about the Philosopher's Stone. I will also not tell authorities about your brother's body or the transmutation you two attempted years ago. If...you do what I say. Every time you do something I don't like, expect to be punished."
Joyce wondered how much longer it’d be until they could perform the exorcism.
"Edward, you look tired. A nice bath in my large and deep bathtub should help." Ed nodded gratefully and walked inside the bathroom. Roy then tugs on the bottom of Ed's shirt and starts to pull it up. "C-colonel, w-what are you d-doing?" Ed stammers, trying to pull away. Roy takes off Ed's shirt before removing his own. "I can't leave my guest all by himself, can I." He reasons, smirking.
“Oh…dear…Truth,” Joyce said. Being an ex-Mary-Sue, she knew foreplay when she saw it, and was having simultaneous flashbacks to both her Sue days and the first Mary-Sue and Singsong had killed. Mei Dearle hadn’t been this explicit. She’d just commented on the fact that they’d had sex. This fic, however…
Joyce watched uncomfortably as Roy stripped Ed before whimpering, “Nnnnnn…” and uncomfortably turning away. She was unable to resist reading the words, though, so she knew when Roy forced Ed to come into the bathtub.
Ed is placed between Roy's legs and made to lean back against Roy's chest by two arms around his own chest. Roy takes one of the arms away and prepares a washcloth with sweet smelling body wash. He then starts to gently (scary gently to Ed) wash Ed's upper body.
“Hey, since when does the tub have water in it?” Singsong asked, not sounding at all perturbed.
“Don’t know. Don’t care,” Joyce whimpered. Still, she pulled her sleeve up a little more and wrote Creating plotholes on her arm.
She nearly downed her entire bottle of bleeprin when Roy gave her not-brother a hand-job, but she forced herself not to. She didn’t want to think that there was worse to come, but this was a bad slash fic and she worked for the PPC.
"Why are you crying? You know you liked that." Roy says, kissing the side of Ed's face. "I didn't want that." Ed replys with a quivering voice. Roy ignores him and gently strokes Ed's jawline. Ed sat silent looking down with his tears splating agianst the bathwater.
How long am I gonna have to do this?
“Hopefully not too much longer,” Joyce mumbled, sitting through another author’s note.
Kathy: OHMYGOD!IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT! I DID IT! I did the scene without chickening out! Yay! All thanks to you!! (hugs Lost cause331 very tightly)
lost cause331: I can't believe the very first time I ever write any thing like that is in a review. I haven't even started practicing yaoi stuff. Or any kind of scenes for that matter.
Kathy: But you did good. Remember onlookers, you can always donate a scene. Not too much, just a little scene to give me an idea. IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE GOOD CHAPTERS, DO THAT! Review. Oh, yeah. BONDAGE SCENES ON THE WAY!! (gasp) I'm gonna have even more trouble with that...
“You Truth-damned IDIOT!!” Joyce screamed. “If you can’t write the stuff, why are you bothering with writing the stuff?! Stop ordering your reviewers to come up with scenes for you! ARGH!!”
“Chapter six, entitled ‘Or else’,” Singsong said cheerfully.
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. It’s just a poll.”
Ok! Right before I write the next scene, i'm gonna ask you guys to take a vote on some more stuff to see what is it that YOU people want. Here it is, VOTE OR THE STORY STOPS! Not only that, I'l selfishly take Ed and Al all to myself for you people to NEVER SEE AGAIN!! Ha,ha,ha,ha!
--
(i'm going to be very specific)
For the Bondage scenes:
a) furry handcuffs
b) rope
c) chains
d) ALL!
Would you approve the use of 'toys'?
a) sure
b) no, not really
LEAST AND MOST IMPORTANT!!
(in one of the later chapers Roy decides to share Ed with someone as punishment. Three-some!! So who should it be?)
Well, first of all would you like a three-some?
a) no
b) says nothing and drools
WHO WILL IT BE?
a) Havoc
b) Hughes
c) Armstrong (pleeeease, don't vote for this! It'll be a little too rough for Ed. No, seroiusly. No.)
d) other character you thought of...(write who in review)
--SO FAR (mostly concertrating on the three-some thing):
Havoc 2
no three-some 4
Envy 1
FINE! NO THREE-SOME! (sobs) I wanted a three-some...
Use of toys: 10 yes So, yeah!
“And that’s it,” Singsong said, popping some Skittles into her mouth.
“That’s it?” Joyce demanded, staring. “That isn’t even a story!”
Chapter seven started with yet another whiny author’s note.
OK! HERE IT IS! I Was gonna look at dojins, but decided FINE i'll finish the chapter! (growls) You readers better make up for this by giving me good doujinshi websites. I also WAS gonna put more plot in it and was gonna write that Ed went home and about a conversation he had with Al that made him decide giving himself to Roy was worth it for his brother and make the story more deep, but right now I don't have much time before my mom comes, and i'm too lazy. Here's another smex scene.
“I hate this girl,” Joyce hissed. “I really, really, really hate her.” She decided that the glare Louis Armstrong was giving the fic must’ve been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations, because it was just that amazing.
The raven-haired man was sitting on a chair in his living room, tapping on a glass he was holding in his hand, waiting patiently for Edward to arrive. He hadn't done much to the boy yesterday, but was planning to have a little more fun today.
“‘Hadn’t done much’?” Joyce repeated. “Oh, sure, he only molested the kid in the bathtub, no big deal!” She paused a moment, thinking, before pulling her sleeve up further and added Pedophilia to the list. She wasn’t sure what the age of legal consent was in Amestris, but then she didn’t really care, either.
Ed showed up at Roy’s house. Roy dragged him up to the bedroom, where he ordered the boy to strip before forcing him onto the bed and binding his arms and legs to the bedposts. Having a very good idea of what was going to happen next, Joyce started to turn around-and stopped, staring at the Words.
Ed looked up and saw that Mustang was holding a cylinder-like object with a round edge that had a cord connected to a control switch.
Joyce whirled back around, watching Roy blindfold Ed and feeling like her stomach was going to explode. “Don’t tell me he’s going to-” she started, breaking off as Roy did just that. “That isn’t even biologically possible!!!” she shrieked. “That-that isn’t supposed to go in there! It’s-it’s not-” She broke off, staring in horror as Roy turned the vibrator on. “OhTruthohTruthohTruthohTruth…”
“See, bad slash missions aren’t all that great, because they’re just as stressful as Suefics, but don’t have the benefit of killing things,” Singsong was explaining to Louis Armstrong. “That’s why more people join the Department of Mary-Sues, or the Department of Floaters, instead of the Department of Bad Slash. That, and the fact that the DBS is filled with weird perverted freaks.” [*falls over laughing* What on *Earth* happened to Singsong? I am *so* curious...]
“I’m sure they’re fine people,” Joyce chided weakly, steadfastly ignoring Roy as he molested her brother again. Nothing could be as weird or perverted as this fic.
“No, they’re weird and perverted,” Singsong insisted, looking upset. “Trust me.” And she muttered something under her breath. Joyce caught the words “Sanderson”, “idiot”, “Luxury”, and “kill him for that”.
Ed, meanwhile, had come to climax, and Roy was kissing him. The chapter ended with, much to Joyce’s dismay, yet another author’s note.
THERE! HAPPY?! Oh, forgot to mention. THE VOTES! People don't seem to like furry handcuffs so , no furry handcuffs.
There will be toys! As you just saw...yeah, too late for that comment.
As for the three-some the majority voted no three-some! (glares angrily at readers) B-but I WANTED a three-some! (sob) Why?! Whhhhhhy?! (sob) REVIEW!
“It’s your fic, you idiot,” Joyce mumbled. “If you want a threesome, write the damn thing.” She looked over at Singsong as chapter eight started. “Can we exorcise this thing yet?”
"I don’t know. Soon, I guess.”
“You guess??”
Chapter eight featured the author's poor attempt at angst, as Ed went back home to Alphonse.
"Ah, look at that," Singsong sighed, popping some M&Ms into her mouth. "The author explains Al's true feelings for his brother... Looks like we'll have to take care of Al, too."
Joyce blinked. "What true feelings? I mean, they're all each other has...they love...each...other..." Her eyes widened as she read the Words. "ELRICEST?!?"
"Yep. It happens. Hang on, chapter nine looks like another Author's note thing... URGENT URGENT NEWS FOR ANY FMA FAN! Wonder what that means..."
Joyce was incoherent, her pen and charge-filled arm forgotten as she stared at Al, who was watching his sleeping brother. "ELRICEST?!?"
"Yeah. You know. When the Elric brothers are being incest...uous..." Singsong trailed off as the author's note that was chapter nine boomed out of the sky.
I went to a comic book store called Myth Adventures and I was reading ANIME INSIDER or some other anime magizine and I SAW SOMETHING BEYOND MARVOLOUS!! It's SOOO wonderful it's almost ORGASMIC!! EEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!
So i was reading the reader letters and one said,
"I heard a rumor from one of my friends in Japan that BONES leaked out information that there was gonna be a new Fullmetal Alchemist series. I wish with all my heart that it was true, but we all knew it ended with the movie."
AND THE RESPONSE WAS!!
"Yes, in fact it's absolutly true. Although we're not sure of the fact that BONES will be sponsering it this time, as we heard they have denyed it. There will be a brand new Fullmetal Alchemist series coming out"
After which i screamed a loud fangirl scream, then everyone in the store turned to stare at me.
BUT YES IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!! HOLLALUYA!! PRIASE THE LORD!! YES! YES! THERE IS A GOD! (runs to a church)
"What?" Singsong demanded.
"Elricest," Joyce growled, pressing the pen to her arm so hard as she wrote the charge that it was a miracle she didn't draw blood. Louis Armstrong watched worriedly.
"ANOTHER FMA series?" Singsong shrieked.
"Why in the world would anyone feel the need to write Elricest?" Joyce demanded, looking to Louis Armstrong for an answer. The mini didn't have one.
"Do you have ANY IDEA what this means?" Singsong asked, turning to the mini-chimera.
"People are SICK PERVERTS!" Joyce raged. "Ed and Al don't love each other like that!"
"We're gonna get SWAMPED with missions!" Singsong shouted, waving her arms dramatically. M&Ms went flying from the open packet in her hand.
"There's a certain beauty to platonic love, you know! People need to learn to appreciate it!"
"There's gonna be a BAJILLION stupid fangirls watching this thing, and they're ALL gonna write badfic for it!"
The peacock-great dane-rhinocerous beetle hybrid looked back and forth between the two agents spilling their woes, uncertain of what to do. Apparently, knowledge of how to act as a therapist had not been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. He barked in what he hoped was an encouraging way.
"Elricest," Joyce snorted, shaking her head in disgust.
"And she can't even spell 'Hallelujah' right," Singsong added. "Another FMA series. The world must hate me. I bet Sanderson's behind this somehow... Maybe he used his precious Star Wars technology to implant the idea of another series into the producers' heads..."
"I refuse to sit through this any longer," Joyce said, glancing at the Words. "Even if there's one short chapter that's two parts whiny author's notes, one part bad attempt at angst. Can we exorcise it now?"
"Sure."
"Alright. Let's do this thing," Joyce said, shoving the pen in her pocket and taking out her alchemy chalk. A quick circle around the oblivious canons later, she yanked the exorcism kit from her partner and opened it. The boxed set of the first half of season one lay inside, along with a bell. Singsong grabbed the latter and started ringing it, causing a loud, annoying clanging sound that got the attention of the canons. Al turned towards them and Ed sat up in the Generic Bed. Joyce picked up the boxed set and, hoping to Truth she was doing it right, started shouting.
"Get thee behind me, Bad Slash! Begone, Angst!" She hit her not-brothers over the heads with the canon material. "Begone, Stupid Author's Notes and Whining! Avaunt, Lack of Caring, Bad Biology, and Rape! Avaunt! The power of Arakawa compells you!"
Joyce had never seen an Author Wraith before, but she assumed that was what the ghostly thing that came out of the Elrics was.
"Hey! This is my story! You can't do that!" it shouted. "If it's so bad, why don't you help me write it! I'll give you links to some really good doujinshis!"
"Avaunt!" Joyce repeated, going to hit the thing with the boxed set, and not being terribly surprised when the DVDs passed straight through the gray form.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (sob)," the Wraith said, and then it was gone.
What happened next was a bit chaotic. Joyce had been standing near enough to Ed and Al to hit them, and thus suddenly found an automail fist engaging her gut. She stumbled backwards, dropping the boxed set to clutch at her stomach while Al shifted into a defensive position and Ed sat up straighter in the bed.
"Okay," the Fullmetal Alchemist snapped. "Who the hell are you, and what just happened, and--" He broke off suddenly, wincing as the laws of biology suddenly came into existence and certain parts of his body experienced excrutiating pain. "What...the...hell?" he gasped, before collapsing back in bed. Alphonse looked worried.
"Brother?"
Joyce, still clutching her stomach, whimpered and wondered where that awful clanging noise was coming from. Then she groaned and slowly straightened before looking at her partner. "Singsong, you can stop ringing the bell."
"Huh? Oh, right." The clanging stopped. Singsong looked at the Elrics. "Okay. We still need to get Roy."
"And Ed needs a doctor."
"You take him to Medical, then. I'll handle Roy."
"You sure?"
"Well, I don't need you drooling all over the exorcism kit," Singsong said, and she left before Joyce could argue. Louis Armstrong regally leapt through the portal after her. The ex-Sue turned to the people who were not her halfbrothers, and a feeling of awkwardness descended upon the room. "Um. Hi."
"Hi?" Al was such a sweet person. A little naive, but sweet.
"Okay, look, I can't really explain what's going on, but I'm here to help. So...you'll just have to trust me."
"Hell no," Ed snapped.
"Okay," Al said cautiously.
"Alphonse!"
"Can you pick him up?" Joyce asked Al as she pulled out her remote activator and opening a portal. At Ed's panicked expression, she added, "It's not the Gate. Come on."
She assumed the man on the other side of the portal was Dr. Fitzgerald. She wondered if she was supposed to explain the problem, but the man simply looked at Ed, directed Alphonse to put him in one of the beds, and got to work. That left Joyce and Alphonse standing together, waiting.
"So," Al said. "What's your name?"
"It's Joyce," she sighed. "Joyce Odelia Reesin."
"Nice to meet you."
"Yeah. You too."
"I'm Al."
"I know."
"Done," Dr. Fitzgerald announced as Ed stood up. "You'd better get them back now."
"Kay. Thanks." Joyce opened a portal. Singsong and Louis Armstrong were on the other side, along with a very confused-looking Roy Mustang.
"Oh, good, you're back," Singsong said, pulling out a neuralyser and putting on her sunglasses. Joyce grabbed her own pair and jammed them on her head before her partner went FLASH-crazy. As an afterthought, she scooped up the mini-chimera and covered his eyes. "Everyone, if you would please look at the red light. It will answer all your questions."
FLASH.
"Roy, you did not molest Ed. You did not...do anything with a vibrator. You never did anything of that sort to Ed. Ed, Roy never did any of those things to you. Al, you do not love your brother in anything other than the platonic sense. Everyone got that? Good. Let's go."
Once back in the RC, Louis Armstrong became acquainted with All and FullMetal. Joyce dropped the exorcism kit on the floor and collapsed in a chair while the minis sniffed each other curiously.
"I hate bad slash," she announced. "Especially incest. WHY?"
Singsong didn't answer. She was avidly searching for something on the console's screen. After a moment, her shoulders slumped.
"Dammit."
"What?"
"There is another FMA series coming out." She took a deep breath. "And it's based more on the manga than the first."
"Something wrong with that?" Joyce wondered. "Aside from the whole 'getting swamped with fics' thing..."
"Havoc's a bit more prominent in the manga."
"...Oh." Yeah, that could be a problem. Singsong was deadly when it came to protecting her LO. "I'm sure it'll be fine."
"No, it won't. You just said it would be, so the Laws of Narrative Comedy will make sure it isn't. My life sucks."
"Hey, I just watched my brother get raped by my Lust Object."
"They're not your brothers!"
"Well...yeah."
Fic Notes: Um...there is no describing how stupid, idiotic, and downright ANNOYING this one was. I mean, seriously. If you can't WRITE slash, WHY are you WRITING SLASH? And the author's constant begging, threatening, pleading, and bargaining for help from her reviewers was just... UGH. Seriously, people... >.< There were probably more author's notes in this fic than actual fic. Original fic here: Falling away from me
Well. Poor Joyce is probably scarred for life now. Poor thing. XD As for Singsong, don't worry, her little vendetta against the DBS will be explained later on.
Also, the mini-chimera Louis Armstrong is up for adoption, should anyone want him. He has a very noble and regal personality, and everything he does is a trait that's been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. Though this wasn't really explained, he's also exceedingly strong, thanks to both the character he was meant to be, and the part of him that's rhinoceros beetle. As a special bonus, here's a badly-put-together picture. XD
