(no subject)
Needed to write this out...Writing helps me cope.
Self pity and major whining underneath cut. Please do not feel as though you have to read. This was mainly just for me, myself and I
I know that there are others out there that have a lot more to deal with then I do. That I shouldn't be as stressed as I am. That things could be much worse and *shrugs*
I just can't help it though, I am stressed. So stressed that I want to crawl into a tight ball and hide in a dark corner and cry till I've lost all the water in my body. As if that can help, but I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be weak for once in my life and crawl into some ones lap, to be loved. Petted. Held. No words, no "everything will be all right", no "don't worry". I just want to break, snap, loose my wits and disappear.
I have a good life. A loving family, a loving and wonderful husband, great friends and a job (even with all the shit) that I can still say I like what I do.
So why the stress? Why the self pity?
Because I push things down so far that they build up. I may let off steam every now and then, but I've never just let it out.
I've never allowed myself to mourn the lost of my mis-carriage / or that of my sister's still-born baby. No I couldn't I had to be strong for everyone else, but damn-it it hurts.
People tell me that "don't worry you'll get pregnant again." I don't want to. I really don't. I haven't even told my husband this. I feel I failed when I miscarried, that is was my fault and I let my husband down and broke his heart. How could I want to do that again? I don't.
My parents are having health issues, I'm scared to loose them. So what do I do? Instead of seeing them more I cower away. Ya I'm the strong one of the family. right.
My sister is having so many issues that my heart breaks for her, but she looks to me for strength. So how can I tell her that I'm torn up inside for her? I do in my own way but I can't be weak, she's looking at me for a push. For me to be her strong side, so how can I break?
Work, Ah lovely work. The ratio is going to be, by the middle of Oct, 1784 to 1 (me). I've been told that I can ask my guys for help, but I know they are as busy as me. Also when I did ask for some help I found out that it was complained about. So Great. Thank you so much. No more asking, just get as much as I can done and let my repetition slip and my stress rise.
My hubby can't understand why I'm snapping. How can he I really don't talk about it and when I try he tells me "Don't let it get to you, it's just a job." How can he say this when he went through the same thing a few years ago. He stress level was so bad that we were screaming at each other the whole time. He was always angry and I only could sit back and be strong trying to help him as best as I could. I don't want to scream, when I do get testy he gets pissed at me and I don't want that either. I just want to hide.
There's more going on in my head, feelings trying to break free, but I just have trained myself to hold it in. Hide it the best I can. But it's getting harder. I find myself drinking more to numb the pain, close to starting to smoke (again) and I know if I had the availability I would be popping pills (sorry but yes I would)
I'm tired. I'm stressed, and I want to be alone.
*places on happy face mask and walks out to meet the world*
Self pity and major whining underneath cut. Please do not feel as though you have to read. This was mainly just for me, myself and I
I know that there are others out there that have a lot more to deal with then I do. That I shouldn't be as stressed as I am. That things could be much worse and *shrugs*
I just can't help it though, I am stressed. So stressed that I want to crawl into a tight ball and hide in a dark corner and cry till I've lost all the water in my body. As if that can help, but I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be weak for once in my life and crawl into some ones lap, to be loved. Petted. Held. No words, no "everything will be all right", no "don't worry". I just want to break, snap, loose my wits and disappear.
I have a good life. A loving family, a loving and wonderful husband, great friends and a job (even with all the shit) that I can still say I like what I do.
So why the stress? Why the self pity?
Because I push things down so far that they build up. I may let off steam every now and then, but I've never just let it out.
I've never allowed myself to mourn the lost of my mis-carriage / or that of my sister's still-born baby. No I couldn't I had to be strong for everyone else, but damn-it it hurts.
People tell me that "don't worry you'll get pregnant again." I don't want to. I really don't. I haven't even told my husband this. I feel I failed when I miscarried, that is was my fault and I let my husband down and broke his heart. How could I want to do that again? I don't.
My parents are having health issues, I'm scared to loose them. So what do I do? Instead of seeing them more I cower away. Ya I'm the strong one of the family. right.
My sister is having so many issues that my heart breaks for her, but she looks to me for strength. So how can I tell her that I'm torn up inside for her? I do in my own way but I can't be weak, she's looking at me for a push. For me to be her strong side, so how can I break?
Work, Ah lovely work. The ratio is going to be, by the middle of Oct, 1784 to 1 (me). I've been told that I can ask my guys for help, but I know they are as busy as me. Also when I did ask for some help I found out that it was complained about. So Great. Thank you so much. No more asking, just get as much as I can done and let my repetition slip and my stress rise.
My hubby can't understand why I'm snapping. How can he I really don't talk about it and when I try he tells me "Don't let it get to you, it's just a job." How can he say this when he went through the same thing a few years ago. He stress level was so bad that we were screaming at each other the whole time. He was always angry and I only could sit back and be strong trying to help him as best as I could. I don't want to scream, when I do get testy he gets pissed at me and I don't want that either. I just want to hide.
There's more going on in my head, feelings trying to break free, but I just have trained myself to hold it in. Hide it the best I can. But it's getting harder. I find myself drinking more to numb the pain, close to starting to smoke (again) and I know if I had the availability I would be popping pills (sorry but yes I would)
I'm tired. I'm stressed, and I want to be alone.
*places on happy face mask and walks out to meet the world*