Sync- Ch 6: Covalent Bonding
Title: Sync
Fandom: FlashForward
Pairing: Bryce/Nicole (Nyce)
A/N: Thanks to all awesome peeps who've read & reviewed! I'm still srsly squeeing over the most recent Bryce/Nicole sitch... and bracing for a fall of epic proportions. I should mention that this fic diverges from a major canon plot point. There will be no convenient visit from the Cancer Remission Fairy for Bryce because 1) I'm just opposed to that kind of nonsense & 2) it doesn't fit the narrative in this story as I've previously outlined it before the show took this direction (which is highly bizarre considering they went from saying he was undergoing another chemo course to an experimental protocol in like, 2 scenes, as if we've all forgotten that he skipped Houston to go to Tokyo & was opposed to going the experimental route because the side effects were major... like, life-threatening. Holy fractured retcon, Batman! WTH?!). I've been celebrating my B-Day since Friday... which is why I'm just getting around to posting this chapter. But I'm getting right on to the next. And one more thing, italic blocks of text are flashbacks.
Besos! xoxo
Nicole's brow furrowed with a mix of frustration and determination as she worked a problem. She'd pulled an A on her last Organic Chemistry exam but was starting to wonder if resonance and quantum mechanics was going to be the undoing of her GPA. Sigma bonds and pi bonds were starting to run together and she was beginning to truly hate that benzene or any other aromatics existed at all. She muttered to herself, sighed and kept working.
Bryce glanced at her over his laptop from across the table. She'd staked out her space and was awash in a field of notes topped with her text and study guide. She'd been so furiously diligent for so long that he wasn't even sure she realized he was still in the room. He'd made the mistake of asking if she needed help forty minutes earlier and received a look in return that told him unequivocally that even if she needed it, she didn't want it. At least not yet. Death glares and all, he liked that she had the tenacity to just slog through.
"You know what? I don't even care anymore!" she relented in frustration, throwing down her pencil. She grabbed her notebook and leaned across the table to hand it off to Bryce. "Just tell me I've screwed it all up so I can go on to something else."
Bryce accepted the handoff and looked over what she'd done. Her frustration reminded him of his own when he'd taken the same course. Organic Chemistry broke some and scarred all. Looking over her work, he was sure Nicole would wind up in the scarred not broken category.
"Well, this most likely isn't going to make you happy but, you've got it almost perfectly." he explained as she stood next to him. "It's just this part, that's off."
"That's the part that's driving me batshit. I can't get it to work out right. Nothing works, so just tell me." she huffed in resignation, begrudgingly admitting defeat.
"You don't want me to tell you." Bryce knew telling her something so obvious, so clear, would only serve to upset her. She understood the hardest part but was getting caught up on a minor thing.
"Yes, I do." she said and leaned in to look over his shoulder.
"No. Seriously. You're just looking at it too closely. Your answer's right there."
"It's not." she persisted, looking and still unable to see it.
"It really is. I think you just need to leave it for a bit and come back and then you'll see." he said and slid his arm around her waist.
"Fine. A study break then." She reclaimed her notebook and sat on his lap. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing exciting. I just paid the ridiculous premium increase on my car insurance."
"Why the increase?"
"Because I wrecked some guy's car."
"You what? When?" Nicole asked, surprised to have not heard about this sooner.
"Months ago. Last year. It was the day my doctor gave me my prognosis, so I wasn't really in the best place to make good decisions... or drive. And I backed in to this guy's car."
"Well, accidents do happen. All things considered, it's certainly understandable."
"This wasn't like that exactly. The first time I hit him was an accident. The subsequent hits, weren't." he explained with a slight smile.
"Ah, I see." she smiled, understanding what he'd done.
"Yeah. And then I just got out of the car and walked away. So now everything else about that whole thing has been worked out and the insurance premium is just a scheduled reminder of it. Could be worse." he shrugged.
He wasn't terribly bothered by what he'd done. He only wished he could remember it with better clarity because what he'd seen played back of the incident after the fact on the security video, had made him smile. Even now, it was what he considered a bright spot in an otherwise crap day.
"True." Nicole agreed, liking his big picture outlook. "Poor guy though."
'No. I mean, not that what I did was entirely okay but he's kind of an asshole."
"Oh well, then by spoiled brat rules that makes it completely justified."
"Exactly. I knew you'd understand."
They shared a laugh then a kiss. Nicole's study break was well on its way to a makeout session and neither she nor Bryce could think of a better use of their time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know, you really shouldn't let me just co-opt your space when I'm here. I've got my crap all over the place." Nicole called back to Bryce as she took in the mess she'd made of his dining room table.
The papers and books that obscured the majority of the surface were being evicted in favor of dinner. It looked like her backpack had exploded all its contents as it sat open on the floor next to the chair, with stray pencils and pens peeking out among a few books. She grabbed the backpack and began putting her notes, books and folders in order.
"It's temporary and a small price to pay when you're here." Bryce said as he came up to hug her from behind.
"You say that now, but just wait until you get tired of me." she spoke before she could think not to. It was one of those insecurities that usually resided in the recesses of her mind that made it to her mouth at the most inopportune time. She hated that she did that.
"Never happen." Bryce assured her with a kiss on her neck.
Grinning madly, she continued gathering up her things, slipping papers in their appropriate folders according to her system of organization and stopped when she realized that one of the folders she'd picked up in her frenzy wasn't hers.
"What's Trifectimab?" she asked as she read the folder marker.
"Oh um, a drug in clinical trial." he said while taking the folder out of her hands easily.
He hesitated considering just how much he wanted to divulge. He hoped she wouldn't ask about it but knew she'd do just that.
"Cool. What does it do?" Nicole asked on queue.
Her somewhat recent interest in the practice of medicine prompted her question as much as being very much impressed with Bryce's personal approach to the way he sought to treat his patients. She wondered if it was the fact that he was creative or also sometimes a patient that most shaped him as a physician.
"It's... it's to treat the same cancer I have." he admitted reluctantly.
"So, that's not work." she said with a nod toward the folder.
"No. Not so much." Bryce dropped the folder on his laptop.
"And... you don't want to talk about it." she asked, her tone falling someplace between a question and a statement.
"Over dinner? Not really. Maybe some other day." he said and headed for the kitchen, now grateful to use dinner as his excuse to defer.
"Okay then, but I'm holding you to that." she warned as she closed her bag. "I just have one question."
"What's that?" He'd returned with their plates and sat them down on the table.
"Does your interest in it mean the chemo isn't working?" she asked her voice quavering just a bit.
Hearing the worry in her voice made him want to reassure her that the chemo was ultimately and unequivocally the best way to go but he couldn't lie. He was pretty sure that trying to explain to her all he had to Dr. Fleming about his choosing the chemo over the clinical trial months ago and his reconsideration now, wouldn't do the job of quelling her fears.
"That depends on what you define as working." he admitted.
"What's that mean? I thought the point of the chemo was to try to cure you." She did her best to keep her voice even though her stomach felt like it was tying itself into a series of intricate knots. Part of her was sorry she'd asked the question at all for fear of a negative answer.
"With some cancers it works that way. Not mine. For me, it's more an attempt at containment and maintenance than curing. Which, is still a good thing."
"But the clinical drug is a chance at something closer to a cure?"
"If it works, yes." he said optimistically.
He left out the parts about trial phases and odds of his actually meeting all the trial requirements for acceptance. Instead he slipped his arms around her and pulled her close.
"So you're... weighing your options."
She didn't want to think about him having a bad outcome. Instead she concentrated on how his hands felt as they rested on the space between her shirt and the top of her jeans when he kissed her. It still took her by surprise that he's more than adept at using his hands well when he touched her. Like he knew just where to go for maximum effect. She wondered if it was a surgeon thing. Some mix of gifted art and deftness. She knew it wasn't just a regular guy thing and when her thoughts lingered more than a moment on whether it could be a love thing, she dismissed them and reminded herself to just enjoy the moment as is.
"Yes. And starving, because this isn't talking about it another day."
"Okay, fair. Just promise me that you'll remember that no matter what you choose to do, I'll be there for you. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. No question."
"I'll remember. I promise. Now can we have dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bryce reflected on the day and counted it as one of the best ever. Nicole had fallen asleep while they were watching television, her head resting on his chest. They'd been talking and laughing but as time passed her responses were delayed and were eventually replaced with the sound of her breathing softly. He smiled and muted the television opting for closed caption instead.
He considered that falling in love with her felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was a steady current interrupted by waves of euphoria and no matter how many times he found himself pulled under, it was a welcome surprise. When he wasn't around her, she was still in his heart and never far from his thoughts. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the fact that she freely chose to spend so much of her time with him or the fact that he seemed to make her happy. Making her smile or laugh was now always at the top of his list. And that little sigh she made whenever he kissed her, was just about the best sound he'd ever heard. Months of moments between them had added up and now he couldn't imagine a day without her in it. He didn't want to.
Two weeks earlier...
After months of therapy sessions, Bryce had slowly but surely given up his reticence and reluctance to them. He knew he hadn't been the best patient in the world and of all his clinicians he'd been the most difficult with Dr. Fleming. For almost every suggestion or positive point she had made, he would counter or discount outright. It hadn't been that she wasn't right back then, it was just that he couldn't stand to hear it or hope. His scans and labwork results were tangible and their meanings far more weighty than any nebulous idea of hope at the time. Besides, being a physician made him acutely suspicious that he was being handled like a patient instead of simply leveled with as a peer. And he really hated being a patient.
"You said before that you felt you had to tell Nicole the truth about your prognosis because you couldn't lie to her. But you have other friends, your family and colleagues you've not felt the same duty to. What's the difference?" Dr. Fleming asked as she sat across from him.
"Wow, you're all about the tough questions today, huh?" he said with a wry smile and began to explain.
"I see her all the time and I'm still blown away by her compassion and ability to empathize with people. She trusted me with something really important. She took a leap of faith on me and she didn't have to. It was pretty brave. So not telling her about my cancer felt like lying. Especially when hearing her make mention of plans for her future that included me... let's just say, it didn't make me feel very good.
I told her because I knew that I could trust her. And now, I realize that I needed to tell someone. More than that, I needed to tell her. We've become important parts of each other's lives and it was just the right thing to do. Something about telling her made me admit it to myself. And made me think about what I was doing. Or not doing. And where I was and where I want to be in the future.
When I saw my flashforward, all I could think about was that slice of time. That two minutes and seventeen seconds. For me, that was everything. It was amplified, like tunnel vision. And I couldn't see anything leading up to those moments or anything after that two minutes and seventeen seconds. I couldn't even imagine it. But immediately, I was hopeful and yes, pretty well obsessed with what I'd seen. From suicidal to completely converted hope junkie in 137 seconds. I was living for that moment in time. I pretty much used my flash to abdicate my volition. All I needed was to make it to that point. I choose my current course of treatment based on that even though for my prognosis, it wasn't recommended or a viable clinical standard of care. I was satisfied with that because I was sure that it would get me to that moment. And I was fine whatever ultimate outcome resulted. But, now I'm not.
I don't know if I'll beat my cancer but I do know that I'm ready to fight it again. For real. These past months, I've just enjoyed my life. I mean, chemo kinda sucks but it's just this thing I have to do and even that doesn't ruin my day. At work I'm... happy and I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Every day it's dynamic and I find I learn a lot from my patients. It's most likely fair to say that before I wasn't paying much attention to the things around me. But I am now and I'm just not ready to give any of it up without a fight. I want more than 137 seconds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nicole's eyes fluttered open slowly. The room was dark except for the ambient flashes cast by the television. Looking over at the screen, she considered that waking up to Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, even muted, was one of the more disconcerting ways to rejoin the world of the conscious. She wondered what time it was as she looked over at Bryce, who was sound asleep. His breathing was even and quiet and she smiled fondly for a moment at having fallen asleep listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. Steady, reassuring and a thing she could hardly bear consider ending. Her attention was drawn back to the television as the screen went dark for a promo showing the schedule of shows for the remainder of the night.
"It's that late?!" she thought, practically leaping from the bed and stirring Bryce.
"Nicole, you okay?" he asked.
He considered that there was a completely reasonable explanation as to why she was crouched on the floor on the other side of the bed, but he was likely not awake enough to make the necessary obvious connection.
"Yeah. Sorry, I woke you. I didn't realize it was so late. " she whispered.
"It's fine. What're you doing?"
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
She hoped he would so she could just go and not have to explain her reasons. The first being that the home healthcare aide's shift was over at one and that meant that her mother was alone. Even when she was medicated and sleeping it wasn't a good idea to have her on her own for very long. Nicole knew there was no way to know what she might do should she wake up.
"Only if you'll join me." He held out his hand.
Nicole paused in her search for a moment. "I can't. I have to go."
Bryce was the second, but somewhat more important, reason she had to leave. They'd had a great day together and she'd loved every minute. Too much. So much she was mostly at a loss to think to act in her own best interest, which was how she'd wound up without her shirt and on his bed to begin with. She'd woken up with clarity enough to know that his expressing even slight interest in anything requiring she divest herself of any more clothing would be met with little more resistance than buttons and zippers provided. In the long run, that would just make the inevitable end of their relationship even harder for her to take. She needed to go now.
Bryce reached over and checked his watch. "It's almost two-thirty."
"I know."
"Wait." Bryce began and sat up. "Why don't you just stay?"
"Bryce, I can't. And I can't find my shirt." Nicole said while continuing her search now at the foot of the bed.
Bryce looked around on his side, moving pillows and found her tee shirt on the floor between the bed and the night table.
"Shirt. Got it." he handed it over, still unclear on why she needed to leave.
"Thanks." Nicole grabbed her shirt and pulled it on quickly and remembered her shoes were in the living room.
"Hey, listen. It's late and you really don't have to go." He caught her wrist to delay her. He hoped she'd stay.
"Yeah, I do." she persisted. She wouldn't meet his eyes lest she abandon her resolve to go. His hand encircling her wrist had her halfway there already.
"Maybe I'm just being stupid but, why?"
"Because I just have to, okay?"
"Okay." He decided to leave it because it was clear that she didn't want to talk about it and she wasn't staying. He wondered if it was about her mother but decided that surely she'd just say so if that were the case. That left the possibility that it was about them and that they'd not seen the past day the same way. Either way, that she didn't feel free to tell him is what bothered him most.
She was glad he'd finally let it go as she gathered her things. She managed to convince him she didn't want him to follow her home but couldn't stop him from walking her out to her car. Their kiss goodnight was almost a kiss I'll stay and Nicole was still dizzy when she climbed into the driver's seat. His insistence that she promise to call him when she got home made her smile when the brain haze cleared as she drove. By the time she'd gotten home and replayed the day in her mind she'd decided that even if he wasn't in love with her, he made her feel loved and that was pretty fantastic.
Fandom: FlashForward
Pairing: Bryce/Nicole (Nyce)
A/N: Thanks to all awesome peeps who've read & reviewed! I'm still srsly squeeing over the most recent Bryce/Nicole sitch... and bracing for a fall of epic proportions. I should mention that this fic diverges from a major canon plot point. There will be no convenient visit from the Cancer Remission Fairy for Bryce because 1) I'm just opposed to that kind of nonsense & 2) it doesn't fit the narrative in this story as I've previously outlined it before the show took this direction (which is highly bizarre considering they went from saying he was undergoing another chemo course to an experimental protocol in like, 2 scenes, as if we've all forgotten that he skipped Houston to go to Tokyo & was opposed to going the experimental route because the side effects were major... like, life-threatening. Holy fractured retcon, Batman! WTH?!). I've been celebrating my B-Day since Friday... which is why I'm just getting around to posting this chapter. But I'm getting right on to the next. And one more thing, italic blocks of text are flashbacks.
Besos! xoxo
Nicole's brow furrowed with a mix of frustration and determination as she worked a problem. She'd pulled an A on her last Organic Chemistry exam but was starting to wonder if resonance and quantum mechanics was going to be the undoing of her GPA. Sigma bonds and pi bonds were starting to run together and she was beginning to truly hate that benzene or any other aromatics existed at all. She muttered to herself, sighed and kept working.
Bryce glanced at her over his laptop from across the table. She'd staked out her space and was awash in a field of notes topped with her text and study guide. She'd been so furiously diligent for so long that he wasn't even sure she realized he was still in the room. He'd made the mistake of asking if she needed help forty minutes earlier and received a look in return that told him unequivocally that even if she needed it, she didn't want it. At least not yet. Death glares and all, he liked that she had the tenacity to just slog through.
"You know what? I don't even care anymore!" she relented in frustration, throwing down her pencil. She grabbed her notebook and leaned across the table to hand it off to Bryce. "Just tell me I've screwed it all up so I can go on to something else."
Bryce accepted the handoff and looked over what she'd done. Her frustration reminded him of his own when he'd taken the same course. Organic Chemistry broke some and scarred all. Looking over her work, he was sure Nicole would wind up in the scarred not broken category.
"Well, this most likely isn't going to make you happy but, you've got it almost perfectly." he explained as she stood next to him. "It's just this part, that's off."
"That's the part that's driving me batshit. I can't get it to work out right. Nothing works, so just tell me." she huffed in resignation, begrudgingly admitting defeat.
"You don't want me to tell you." Bryce knew telling her something so obvious, so clear, would only serve to upset her. She understood the hardest part but was getting caught up on a minor thing.
"Yes, I do." she said and leaned in to look over his shoulder.
"No. Seriously. You're just looking at it too closely. Your answer's right there."
"It's not." she persisted, looking and still unable to see it.
"It really is. I think you just need to leave it for a bit and come back and then you'll see." he said and slid his arm around her waist.
"Fine. A study break then." She reclaimed her notebook and sat on his lap. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing exciting. I just paid the ridiculous premium increase on my car insurance."
"Why the increase?"
"Because I wrecked some guy's car."
"You what? When?" Nicole asked, surprised to have not heard about this sooner.
"Months ago. Last year. It was the day my doctor gave me my prognosis, so I wasn't really in the best place to make good decisions... or drive. And I backed in to this guy's car."
"Well, accidents do happen. All things considered, it's certainly understandable."
"This wasn't like that exactly. The first time I hit him was an accident. The subsequent hits, weren't." he explained with a slight smile.
"Ah, I see." she smiled, understanding what he'd done.
"Yeah. And then I just got out of the car and walked away. So now everything else about that whole thing has been worked out and the insurance premium is just a scheduled reminder of it. Could be worse." he shrugged.
He wasn't terribly bothered by what he'd done. He only wished he could remember it with better clarity because what he'd seen played back of the incident after the fact on the security video, had made him smile. Even now, it was what he considered a bright spot in an otherwise crap day.
"True." Nicole agreed, liking his big picture outlook. "Poor guy though."
'No. I mean, not that what I did was entirely okay but he's kind of an asshole."
"Oh well, then by spoiled brat rules that makes it completely justified."
"Exactly. I knew you'd understand."
They shared a laugh then a kiss. Nicole's study break was well on its way to a makeout session and neither she nor Bryce could think of a better use of their time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know, you really shouldn't let me just co-opt your space when I'm here. I've got my crap all over the place." Nicole called back to Bryce as she took in the mess she'd made of his dining room table.
The papers and books that obscured the majority of the surface were being evicted in favor of dinner. It looked like her backpack had exploded all its contents as it sat open on the floor next to the chair, with stray pencils and pens peeking out among a few books. She grabbed the backpack and began putting her notes, books and folders in order.
"It's temporary and a small price to pay when you're here." Bryce said as he came up to hug her from behind.
"You say that now, but just wait until you get tired of me." she spoke before she could think not to. It was one of those insecurities that usually resided in the recesses of her mind that made it to her mouth at the most inopportune time. She hated that she did that.
"Never happen." Bryce assured her with a kiss on her neck.
Grinning madly, she continued gathering up her things, slipping papers in their appropriate folders according to her system of organization and stopped when she realized that one of the folders she'd picked up in her frenzy wasn't hers.
"What's Trifectimab?" she asked as she read the folder marker.
"Oh um, a drug in clinical trial." he said while taking the folder out of her hands easily.
He hesitated considering just how much he wanted to divulge. He hoped she wouldn't ask about it but knew she'd do just that.
"Cool. What does it do?" Nicole asked on queue.
Her somewhat recent interest in the practice of medicine prompted her question as much as being very much impressed with Bryce's personal approach to the way he sought to treat his patients. She wondered if it was the fact that he was creative or also sometimes a patient that most shaped him as a physician.
"It's... it's to treat the same cancer I have." he admitted reluctantly.
"So, that's not work." she said with a nod toward the folder.
"No. Not so much." Bryce dropped the folder on his laptop.
"And... you don't want to talk about it." she asked, her tone falling someplace between a question and a statement.
"Over dinner? Not really. Maybe some other day." he said and headed for the kitchen, now grateful to use dinner as his excuse to defer.
"Okay then, but I'm holding you to that." she warned as she closed her bag. "I just have one question."
"What's that?" He'd returned with their plates and sat them down on the table.
"Does your interest in it mean the chemo isn't working?" she asked her voice quavering just a bit.
Hearing the worry in her voice made him want to reassure her that the chemo was ultimately and unequivocally the best way to go but he couldn't lie. He was pretty sure that trying to explain to her all he had to Dr. Fleming about his choosing the chemo over the clinical trial months ago and his reconsideration now, wouldn't do the job of quelling her fears.
"That depends on what you define as working." he admitted.
"What's that mean? I thought the point of the chemo was to try to cure you." She did her best to keep her voice even though her stomach felt like it was tying itself into a series of intricate knots. Part of her was sorry she'd asked the question at all for fear of a negative answer.
"With some cancers it works that way. Not mine. For me, it's more an attempt at containment and maintenance than curing. Which, is still a good thing."
"But the clinical drug is a chance at something closer to a cure?"
"If it works, yes." he said optimistically.
He left out the parts about trial phases and odds of his actually meeting all the trial requirements for acceptance. Instead he slipped his arms around her and pulled her close.
"So you're... weighing your options."
She didn't want to think about him having a bad outcome. Instead she concentrated on how his hands felt as they rested on the space between her shirt and the top of her jeans when he kissed her. It still took her by surprise that he's more than adept at using his hands well when he touched her. Like he knew just where to go for maximum effect. She wondered if it was a surgeon thing. Some mix of gifted art and deftness. She knew it wasn't just a regular guy thing and when her thoughts lingered more than a moment on whether it could be a love thing, she dismissed them and reminded herself to just enjoy the moment as is.
"Yes. And starving, because this isn't talking about it another day."
"Okay, fair. Just promise me that you'll remember that no matter what you choose to do, I'll be there for you. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. No question."
"I'll remember. I promise. Now can we have dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bryce reflected on the day and counted it as one of the best ever. Nicole had fallen asleep while they were watching television, her head resting on his chest. They'd been talking and laughing but as time passed her responses were delayed and were eventually replaced with the sound of her breathing softly. He smiled and muted the television opting for closed caption instead.
He considered that falling in love with her felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was a steady current interrupted by waves of euphoria and no matter how many times he found himself pulled under, it was a welcome surprise. When he wasn't around her, she was still in his heart and never far from his thoughts. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the fact that she freely chose to spend so much of her time with him or the fact that he seemed to make her happy. Making her smile or laugh was now always at the top of his list. And that little sigh she made whenever he kissed her, was just about the best sound he'd ever heard. Months of moments between them had added up and now he couldn't imagine a day without her in it. He didn't want to.
Two weeks earlier...
After months of therapy sessions, Bryce had slowly but surely given up his reticence and reluctance to them. He knew he hadn't been the best patient in the world and of all his clinicians he'd been the most difficult with Dr. Fleming. For almost every suggestion or positive point she had made, he would counter or discount outright. It hadn't been that she wasn't right back then, it was just that he couldn't stand to hear it or hope. His scans and labwork results were tangible and their meanings far more weighty than any nebulous idea of hope at the time. Besides, being a physician made him acutely suspicious that he was being handled like a patient instead of simply leveled with as a peer. And he really hated being a patient.
"You said before that you felt you had to tell Nicole the truth about your prognosis because you couldn't lie to her. But you have other friends, your family and colleagues you've not felt the same duty to. What's the difference?" Dr. Fleming asked as she sat across from him.
"Wow, you're all about the tough questions today, huh?" he said with a wry smile and began to explain.
"I see her all the time and I'm still blown away by her compassion and ability to empathize with people. She trusted me with something really important. She took a leap of faith on me and she didn't have to. It was pretty brave. So not telling her about my cancer felt like lying. Especially when hearing her make mention of plans for her future that included me... let's just say, it didn't make me feel very good.
I told her because I knew that I could trust her. And now, I realize that I needed to tell someone. More than that, I needed to tell her. We've become important parts of each other's lives and it was just the right thing to do. Something about telling her made me admit it to myself. And made me think about what I was doing. Or not doing. And where I was and where I want to be in the future.
When I saw my flashforward, all I could think about was that slice of time. That two minutes and seventeen seconds. For me, that was everything. It was amplified, like tunnel vision. And I couldn't see anything leading up to those moments or anything after that two minutes and seventeen seconds. I couldn't even imagine it. But immediately, I was hopeful and yes, pretty well obsessed with what I'd seen. From suicidal to completely converted hope junkie in 137 seconds. I was living for that moment in time. I pretty much used my flash to abdicate my volition. All I needed was to make it to that point. I choose my current course of treatment based on that even though for my prognosis, it wasn't recommended or a viable clinical standard of care. I was satisfied with that because I was sure that it would get me to that moment. And I was fine whatever ultimate outcome resulted. But, now I'm not.
I don't know if I'll beat my cancer but I do know that I'm ready to fight it again. For real. These past months, I've just enjoyed my life. I mean, chemo kinda sucks but it's just this thing I have to do and even that doesn't ruin my day. At work I'm... happy and I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Every day it's dynamic and I find I learn a lot from my patients. It's most likely fair to say that before I wasn't paying much attention to the things around me. But I am now and I'm just not ready to give any of it up without a fight. I want more than 137 seconds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nicole's eyes fluttered open slowly. The room was dark except for the ambient flashes cast by the television. Looking over at the screen, she considered that waking up to Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, even muted, was one of the more disconcerting ways to rejoin the world of the conscious. She wondered what time it was as she looked over at Bryce, who was sound asleep. His breathing was even and quiet and she smiled fondly for a moment at having fallen asleep listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. Steady, reassuring and a thing she could hardly bear consider ending. Her attention was drawn back to the television as the screen went dark for a promo showing the schedule of shows for the remainder of the night.
"It's that late?!" she thought, practically leaping from the bed and stirring Bryce.
"Nicole, you okay?" he asked.
He considered that there was a completely reasonable explanation as to why she was crouched on the floor on the other side of the bed, but he was likely not awake enough to make the necessary obvious connection.
"Yeah. Sorry, I woke you. I didn't realize it was so late. " she whispered.
"It's fine. What're you doing?"
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
She hoped he would so she could just go and not have to explain her reasons. The first being that the home healthcare aide's shift was over at one and that meant that her mother was alone. Even when she was medicated and sleeping it wasn't a good idea to have her on her own for very long. Nicole knew there was no way to know what she might do should she wake up.
"Only if you'll join me." He held out his hand.
Nicole paused in her search for a moment. "I can't. I have to go."
Bryce was the second, but somewhat more important, reason she had to leave. They'd had a great day together and she'd loved every minute. Too much. So much she was mostly at a loss to think to act in her own best interest, which was how she'd wound up without her shirt and on his bed to begin with. She'd woken up with clarity enough to know that his expressing even slight interest in anything requiring she divest herself of any more clothing would be met with little more resistance than buttons and zippers provided. In the long run, that would just make the inevitable end of their relationship even harder for her to take. She needed to go now.
Bryce reached over and checked his watch. "It's almost two-thirty."
"I know."
"Wait." Bryce began and sat up. "Why don't you just stay?"
"Bryce, I can't. And I can't find my shirt." Nicole said while continuing her search now at the foot of the bed.
Bryce looked around on his side, moving pillows and found her tee shirt on the floor between the bed and the night table.
"Shirt. Got it." he handed it over, still unclear on why she needed to leave.
"Thanks." Nicole grabbed her shirt and pulled it on quickly and remembered her shoes were in the living room.
"Hey, listen. It's late and you really don't have to go." He caught her wrist to delay her. He hoped she'd stay.
"Yeah, I do." she persisted. She wouldn't meet his eyes lest she abandon her resolve to go. His hand encircling her wrist had her halfway there already.
"Maybe I'm just being stupid but, why?"
"Because I just have to, okay?"
"Okay." He decided to leave it because it was clear that she didn't want to talk about it and she wasn't staying. He wondered if it was about her mother but decided that surely she'd just say so if that were the case. That left the possibility that it was about them and that they'd not seen the past day the same way. Either way, that she didn't feel free to tell him is what bothered him most.
She was glad he'd finally let it go as she gathered her things. She managed to convince him she didn't want him to follow her home but couldn't stop him from walking her out to her car. Their kiss goodnight was almost a kiss I'll stay and Nicole was still dizzy when she climbed into the driver's seat. His insistence that she promise to call him when she got home made her smile when the brain haze cleared as she drove. By the time she'd gotten home and replayed the day in her mind she'd decided that even if he wasn't in love with her, he made her feel loved and that was pretty fantastic.