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18 Alternate Oscars
Just the first ones that came to my mind. Believe me, I could do plenty more.
BEST ACTRESS 1940
KATHARINE HEPBURN, The Philadelphia Story
actual winner: Ginger Rogers, Kitty Foyle
Katharine Hepburn has won four Best Actress Oscars, but, strangely, none of them are for my favorite performances. So, no offense to Ginger Rogers (whose performance in Kitty Foyle, granted, I have never seen), but if Katharine Hepburn is going to have an Oscar, I want it to be for the role that I think is her best, and that's Tracy Lord.
BEST DIRECTOR 1941
ORSON WELLES, Citizen Kane
actual winner: John Ford, How Green Was My Valley
As a movie, Citizen Kane doesn't really tap into my emotional center, but I can't deny that on a technical level it revolutionized the very art of filmmaking. For that reason, I'm choosing Orson Welles for Best Director, rather than the film for Best Picture as most people would.
BEST PICTURE 1952
SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN
actual winner: The Greatest Show on Earth
Can you believe Singin' In the Rain wasn't even nominated? The most delightful musical ever made, and it wasn't even nominated!
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE 1960
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
actual winner: Exodus
The Magnificent Seven has one of the most fun and exciting scores I've ever heard. I would never really care to listen to the theme from Exodus again.
BEST ACTOR 1961
PAUL NEWMAN, The Hustler
actual winner: Maximilian Schell, Judgment at Nuremberg
Paul Newman is my favorite actor of all time. It's outrageous that it took the Academy so long to give him a freaking Oscar, especially when his very best role was so early in his career. It's even thought that his win 25 years later for The Color of Money (a loose sequel to The Hustler) was a sort of apology for not giving him this win in the first place.
BEST ACTOR 1962
PETER O’TOOLE, Lawrence of Arabia
actual winner: Gregory Peck, To Kill A Mockingbird
I don't really want to begrudge Gregory Peck his Oscar, because I really do like him a lot, but Peter O'Toole is unlike any other actor I have ever seen in my life. He's just very odd and kind of effeminate, but at the same time he also has an incredible power to him. No one else could have ever played Lawrence like he did.
BEST PICTURE 1967
BONNIE AND CLYDE
actual winner: In the Heat of the Night
Bonnie and Clyde is a movie that critics always point to as heralding a new kind of American filmmaking. It was inspired mostly by French New Wave, and it's violent and funny and sexy and unlike anything most American audiences had ever seen before. And it's fantastic.
BEST ACTRESS 1967
AUDREY HEPBURN, Two For the Road
actual winner: Katharine Hepburn, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Like I said before, Katharine Hepburn's Oscar-winning roles are not particularly my favorites, and I hated Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Audrey Hepburn, though, had her best ever role in Two For the Road, taking her character from an innocent girl to a jaded married woman and every stage in between. And she wasn't even freaking nominated.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY 1979
MANHATTAN
actual winner: Apocalypse Now
Okay, Apocalypse Now is pretty gorgeous. But it's a colorful jungle - of course it's gorgeous! To make a dirty, crowded city like New York look gorgeous, though, that's a feat. And I love how the compositions really contribute to the storytelling. I also think that a lot of people don't know or forget how important lighting is to cinematography, and the lighting in Manhattan is amazing.
BEST PICTURE 1982
E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
actual winner: Gandhi
I have seen Gandhi and it was a good movie; but, unlike, say, Lawrence of Arabia, it's not an epic that I really have a big desire to see again. E.T., though, is a huge favorite. It's warm and funny and touching and wonderful, and even Richard Attenborough, the director of Gandhi, thought it should have won.
BEST PICTURE 1986
HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
actual winner: Platoon
I do like Platoon (though it is a little too melodramatic for my taste), but Hannah and Her Sisters is one of my favorite movies of all time, so there's no way I wouldn't have made this change. It's a wonderfully funny and intelligent movie about the unpredictability of love and the resilience of the heart.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 1992
JAYE DAVIDSON, The Crying Game
actual winner: Gene Hackman, Unforgiven
Unforgiven is definitely full of great performances, but Gene Hackman compared to Jaye Davidson? No way. I adore Dil, and that performance makes The Crying Game. And if you didn't know the secret (sorry - spoiler - but it's been 20 years and the category gives it away anyway), I honestly believe you'd have no idea.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG 1996
"THAT THING YOU DO!"
actual winner: "You Must Love Me", Evita
It's an amazing feat to write a song that we have to hear about ten times through the entire movie and not get sick of. That's "That Thing You Do!" I still love it.
BEST PICTURE 1997
L.A. CONFIDENTIAL
actual winner: Titanic
FUCKING TITANIC. L.A. Confidential is a brilliant movie, another one of my all-time favorites. Also, every single actor in the main cast deserves an Oscar. Kim Basinger has hers, but Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce, Kevin Spacey, and Danny Devito are also all playing my favorite roles they've ever played to this day.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 2000
JOAQUIN PHOENIX, Gladiator
actual winner: Benicio del Toro, Traffic
I have seen Traffic and I do remember liking Benicio del Toro in it a lot, but years later it is not a performance that has stuck with me. I honestly couldn't describe to you a single scene of his from that movie right now. Gladiator I also haven't seen in ten years, but there are many scenes and moments that I can still recall vividly, all involving Joaquin Phoenix. By far the best thing about the whole movie.
BEST FOREIGN FILM 2001
LAGAAN
actual winner: No Man's Land
Amelie was also this year, but Lagaan is a three-and-a-half-hour movie about a sport I don't understand, and I love it anyway, so I think that says something.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS 2004
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
actual winner: Spider-man 2
The truly amazing thing about the effects in Eternal Sunshine is that, for the most part, they are practical effects, which means they're not even done with computers! They're done on set and in camera with wires and glass and double exposure and forced perspective, etc., etc., etc.! Why don't people appreciate that more?
BEST PICTURE 2005
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
actual winner: Crash
Crash is the worst Best Picture winner I have ever seen in my life. It's sappy and manipulative, and don't even get me started on how most of the stories in it aren't even about racism. Brokeback Mountain is certainly a much better movie - beautiful, tragic, socially progressive, the winner of most other awards that year. The Academy should have gotten over themselves and awarded it the win.
18 Alternate Oscars
Just the first ones that came to my mind. Believe me, I could do plenty more.
BEST ACTRESS 1940
KATHARINE HEPBURN, The Philadelphia Story
actual winner: Ginger Rogers, Kitty Foyle
Katharine Hepburn has won four Best Actress Oscars, but, strangely, none of them are for my favorite performances. So, no offense to Ginger Rogers (whose performance in Kitty Foyle, granted, I have never seen), but if Katharine Hepburn is going to have an Oscar, I want it to be for the role that I think is her best, and that's Tracy Lord.
BEST DIRECTOR 1941
ORSON WELLES, Citizen Kane
actual winner: John Ford, How Green Was My Valley
As a movie, Citizen Kane doesn't really tap into my emotional center, but I can't deny that on a technical level it revolutionized the very art of filmmaking. For that reason, I'm choosing Orson Welles for Best Director, rather than the film for Best Picture as most people would.
BEST PICTURE 1952
SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN
actual winner: The Greatest Show on Earth
Can you believe Singin' In the Rain wasn't even nominated? The most delightful musical ever made, and it wasn't even nominated!
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE 1960
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
actual winner: Exodus
The Magnificent Seven has one of the most fun and exciting scores I've ever heard. I would never really care to listen to the theme from Exodus again.
BEST ACTOR 1961
PAUL NEWMAN, The Hustler
actual winner: Maximilian Schell, Judgment at Nuremberg
Paul Newman is my favorite actor of all time. It's outrageous that it took the Academy so long to give him a freaking Oscar, especially when his very best role was so early in his career. It's even thought that his win 25 years later for The Color of Money (a loose sequel to The Hustler) was a sort of apology for not giving him this win in the first place.
BEST ACTOR 1962
PETER O’TOOLE, Lawrence of Arabia
actual winner: Gregory Peck, To Kill A Mockingbird
I don't really want to begrudge Gregory Peck his Oscar, because I really do like him a lot, but Peter O'Toole is unlike any other actor I have ever seen in my life. He's just very odd and kind of effeminate, but at the same time he also has an incredible power to him. No one else could have ever played Lawrence like he did.
BEST PICTURE 1967
BONNIE AND CLYDE
actual winner: In the Heat of the Night
Bonnie and Clyde is a movie that critics always point to as heralding a new kind of American filmmaking. It was inspired mostly by French New Wave, and it's violent and funny and sexy and unlike anything most American audiences had ever seen before. And it's fantastic.
BEST ACTRESS 1967
AUDREY HEPBURN, Two For the Road
actual winner: Katharine Hepburn, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Like I said before, Katharine Hepburn's Oscar-winning roles are not particularly my favorites, and I hated Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Audrey Hepburn, though, had her best ever role in Two For the Road, taking her character from an innocent girl to a jaded married woman and every stage in between. And she wasn't even freaking nominated.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY 1979
MANHATTAN
actual winner: Apocalypse Now
Okay, Apocalypse Now is pretty gorgeous. But it's a colorful jungle - of course it's gorgeous! To make a dirty, crowded city like New York look gorgeous, though, that's a feat. And I love how the compositions really contribute to the storytelling. I also think that a lot of people don't know or forget how important lighting is to cinematography, and the lighting in Manhattan is amazing.
BEST PICTURE 1982
E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
actual winner: Gandhi
I have seen Gandhi and it was a good movie; but, unlike, say, Lawrence of Arabia, it's not an epic that I really have a big desire to see again. E.T., though, is a huge favorite. It's warm and funny and touching and wonderful, and even Richard Attenborough, the director of Gandhi, thought it should have won.
BEST PICTURE 1986
HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
actual winner: Platoon
I do like Platoon (though it is a little too melodramatic for my taste), but Hannah and Her Sisters is one of my favorite movies of all time, so there's no way I wouldn't have made this change. It's a wonderfully funny and intelligent movie about the unpredictability of love and the resilience of the heart.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 1992
JAYE DAVIDSON, The Crying Game
actual winner: Gene Hackman, Unforgiven
Unforgiven is definitely full of great performances, but Gene Hackman compared to Jaye Davidson? No way. I adore Dil, and that performance makes The Crying Game. And if you didn't know the secret (sorry - spoiler - but it's been 20 years and the category gives it away anyway), I honestly believe you'd have no idea.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG 1996
"THAT THING YOU DO!"
actual winner: "You Must Love Me", Evita
It's an amazing feat to write a song that we have to hear about ten times through the entire movie and not get sick of. That's "That Thing You Do!" I still love it.
BEST PICTURE 1997
L.A. CONFIDENTIAL
actual winner: Titanic
FUCKING TITANIC. L.A. Confidential is a brilliant movie, another one of my all-time favorites. Also, every single actor in the main cast deserves an Oscar. Kim Basinger has hers, but Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce, Kevin Spacey, and Danny Devito are also all playing my favorite roles they've ever played to this day.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 2000
JOAQUIN PHOENIX, Gladiator
actual winner: Benicio del Toro, Traffic
I have seen Traffic and I do remember liking Benicio del Toro in it a lot, but years later it is not a performance that has stuck with me. I honestly couldn't describe to you a single scene of his from that movie right now. Gladiator I also haven't seen in ten years, but there are many scenes and moments that I can still recall vividly, all involving Joaquin Phoenix. By far the best thing about the whole movie.
BEST FOREIGN FILM 2001
LAGAAN
actual winner: No Man's Land
Amelie was also this year, but Lagaan is a three-and-a-half-hour movie about a sport I don't understand, and I love it anyway, so I think that says something.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS 2004
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
actual winner: Spider-man 2
The truly amazing thing about the effects in Eternal Sunshine is that, for the most part, they are practical effects, which means they're not even done with computers! They're done on set and in camera with wires and glass and double exposure and forced perspective, etc., etc., etc.! Why don't people appreciate that more?
BEST PICTURE 2005
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
actual winner: Crash
Crash is the worst Best Picture winner I have ever seen in my life. It's sappy and manipulative, and don't even get me started on how most of the stories in it aren't even about racism. Brokeback Mountain is certainly a much better movie - beautiful, tragic, socially progressive, the winner of most other awards that year. The Academy should have gotten over themselves and awarded it the win.