(no subject)
I remember when I first moved up here.
I was less responsible and less stressed about life. I mean, I was angry (and still sort of am) abotu moving up here but because I didn't have any friends, I had no one to complain to. But because I had no one to complain to, I spent all my time alone. During this time (winter), everything was still new to me, so everything was accentuated and everything seemed brighter, crisper and darker, I guess. It was so comforting to bottle everything up and so somforting to do it from the safety of my couch, three blankets on me and my cat on my lap.
On that couch, I didn't have to pay rent for a house I'm never in, pay for food I don't eat, or fight with parents I never see. My only responsibilites were to have a job, go to school, and go to work. Sure I had bills, but because I had absolutly no friends, I had no where to go so no money was spent on shit like dinner and movies.
The winters up here have seemed, a probably always will seem, depressing. I don't mean that because they're centered around the holidays...winter actually doesn't make me sad. It just makes me think more. A lot of memories have been spent outside in the cold (I hate summer and the heat) for me and I've spent all my other winters alone. It just always seems so much better to spend them with someone.
I'm kind of wondering how this holiday season is going to go because it will be the first time I'll actually have a family to spend it with. I love Christmas because when I was a kid, my mom and I would make dinner (an all day long feat) and then my mom, dad, my uncle and I would all sit around, watcing T.V. and eating food. I'd show my uncle everything I got, he'd compliment me on the food that I really didn't make but merely helped with. During this time, the house would be sooo warm and seemingly bright, dispite the cold, gray sky outside. Thehouse, which my mom and I decorated, would be just bursting with Chirstmas colors and a pine tree smell.
Now, once I moved up here, there is no tree, no decorations and my parents are gone. The house is dark and cold. It really is pathetic in a true way. Honestly. They always take the dogs with them so now I can't even give the dogs a Chistmas present. We always open up gifts after they come back from their Chistmas vacation, which has lost the whole feeling of Christmas for me, at that point. My mother, who doesn't know me at all or cares to get to know me, gets me mundane things that only she likes and she can use. And my dad just doesn't even bother. I get my mom expensive and useful gifts, they are few, but useful and she always loves them. I get yelled at by my dad when I get him something but I still do.
I'm starting to loathe the thought of Christmas and I do not want to look forward to it this year, just in case I get my hopes let down. But I find myself thinking about what to get everyone who means something to me in my life. I'm thinking of their faces and expressions and their reactions. I can pictures being bundled up with tons of blankets while outside it's raining and it's freezing.
I guess I just don't want my holiday season to be let down. I'm just nervous of how it's going to be this year.
On another note, have you ever wanted to tell everyone a big, secret feeling but you were too shy to say it? I feel that way now.
I was less responsible and less stressed about life. I mean, I was angry (and still sort of am) abotu moving up here but because I didn't have any friends, I had no one to complain to. But because I had no one to complain to, I spent all my time alone. During this time (winter), everything was still new to me, so everything was accentuated and everything seemed brighter, crisper and darker, I guess. It was so comforting to bottle everything up and so somforting to do it from the safety of my couch, three blankets on me and my cat on my lap.
On that couch, I didn't have to pay rent for a house I'm never in, pay for food I don't eat, or fight with parents I never see. My only responsibilites were to have a job, go to school, and go to work. Sure I had bills, but because I had absolutly no friends, I had no where to go so no money was spent on shit like dinner and movies.
The winters up here have seemed, a probably always will seem, depressing. I don't mean that because they're centered around the holidays...winter actually doesn't make me sad. It just makes me think more. A lot of memories have been spent outside in the cold (I hate summer and the heat) for me and I've spent all my other winters alone. It just always seems so much better to spend them with someone.
I'm kind of wondering how this holiday season is going to go because it will be the first time I'll actually have a family to spend it with. I love Christmas because when I was a kid, my mom and I would make dinner (an all day long feat) and then my mom, dad, my uncle and I would all sit around, watcing T.V. and eating food. I'd show my uncle everything I got, he'd compliment me on the food that I really didn't make but merely helped with. During this time, the house would be sooo warm and seemingly bright, dispite the cold, gray sky outside. Thehouse, which my mom and I decorated, would be just bursting with Chirstmas colors and a pine tree smell.
Now, once I moved up here, there is no tree, no decorations and my parents are gone. The house is dark and cold. It really is pathetic in a true way. Honestly. They always take the dogs with them so now I can't even give the dogs a Chistmas present. We always open up gifts after they come back from their Chistmas vacation, which has lost the whole feeling of Christmas for me, at that point. My mother, who doesn't know me at all or cares to get to know me, gets me mundane things that only she likes and she can use. And my dad just doesn't even bother. I get my mom expensive and useful gifts, they are few, but useful and she always loves them. I get yelled at by my dad when I get him something but I still do.
I'm starting to loathe the thought of Christmas and I do not want to look forward to it this year, just in case I get my hopes let down. But I find myself thinking about what to get everyone who means something to me in my life. I'm thinking of their faces and expressions and their reactions. I can pictures being bundled up with tons of blankets while outside it's raining and it's freezing.
I guess I just don't want my holiday season to be let down. I'm just nervous of how it's going to be this year.
On another note, have you ever wanted to tell everyone a big, secret feeling but you were too shy to say it? I feel that way now.