Timestamp: The Silent Space Between Us
This is a Time Stamp for HOUSE OF BROKEN SOULS, with major spoilers for that verse. While it is readable without knowledge of the verse, the characters and their issues stem from the history of Jensen and Jared, in that verse.
Description: NC-17. Four years after Jensen first tackled his alcoholism and Jared faced his past they somehow stop talking. An acquaintance from the past unexpectedly makes contact and old issues come back to haunt them. They find themselves at breaking point. This is two years after the epilogue. Jensen is still with the FBI and Jared still has his own architect business, they are living and working in California.
Warnings: Sexually explicit content, d/s themes, references to past prostitution/use of a hooker.Unbetad
Characters: Jensen/Jared, mentions of past Jensen/omc and Jared/ multiple omcs,
Disclaimer: This is fiction, pure fantasy folks. This Jensen and Jared play in my head, whisper in my ear and make me write their stories.
Length: ~5,000 words
Jensen watched the blue fade into black and the hum of the computer died into silence. He took a moment to wonder how many days it was since the machine had been quiet. He continued to stare at the black space, ran his hands over his face and into his hair and sighed. One hand reached for the top drawer of his desk. He picked up his work-issue cell and threw it into the cluttered void, then picked out his own and worked the buttons. The screen threw garish light onto his pale face, illuminating black circles around red rimmed eyes. No message. Of course not, he thought, because Jensen Ackles is an inconsiderate dickbag who took his husband for granted and got what he deserved.
He snatched his jacket from the back of his chair, slipped his wallet and cell phone into his pocket, tidied the accumulation of styrofoam coffee cups from the various surfaces of the room and flung them into the trash bin. He’d clear the rest tomorrow. He strode into the main office where several of his colleagues stood to greet him, and there was a smattering of applause. Jensen scowled. His supervisor, Mike, slapped him on the back. “Two results in one day, Jenny. Ops got a bust and the DEA think you crap rainbows and ride unicorns. We are all done for the day. You are cordially invited to get shit-faced at the bar with us.”
Jensen’s frown deepened. His hand found the round disk that nestled in his pants pocket and he turned it in his fingers, feeling its weight and shape grounding him. “The girl was dead,” he snapped ungratefully.
Mike pulled back and looked him in the face. “They got the Perp, Jen. It was a good result. Jeez, you look like shit. Have you been home this week? Did you even go home last night after I specifically told you to?”
“Went home, came back,” he retorted.
“Go home to your husband Agent Ackles, and don’t come in tomorrow. Have wild gay sex, or whatever it is you do. If you try to come in I’ll tell security that you’re a risk and have you locked up for the day.”
Jensen wanted to bitch him out or laugh at the suggestion but Mike was glaring at him, severe and seemingly serious. He bit back an almost hysterical response about the limited to zero chance of there being any sex, wild or otherwise. His shoulders slumped and he ran his fingers through his hair again as he chewed at his lip.
“Yeah. Yeah. Right. Y’all go on, I just have to, y’know, I forgot something, in my office. Then I’ll be off home.”
“Jensen, is everything okay?” His boss leaned toward him, eyes scrutinizing him. After all, nobody got to be in Mike’s position, without having excellent observational skills.
“Tired. Just tired, y’know. I’ll give the drinks a miss, thanks.” He watched them leave and slammed his office door tight before leaning back against it and retrieving his cell. He dialed the house and then Jared’s personal number with no reply, before typing out a brief text, “I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.
He settled back into his chair, deep in thought, placed the dull metal disk on the surface of his desk and twirled it. Four years. Over four years since he woke up in a strange hotel room with Mark, the hooker he didn't remember hiring, Mark, who saved his life but didn’t spare his feelings, who told him the truth and let him digest it. Four years, since a hooker canceled his schedule and stayed a lost weekend at the Hilton with his wrecked client. It was over four years since he’d tipped every last amber drop from each flask, bottle and jar, and begged Doc Carver to help him. His hand trembled as he flipped his phone open and dialed again.
His friend picked up on the third ring. “Jen. You should be on your way home.”
“I need.” His voice trembled.
“Jen. Are you okay? Is Jared there?”
Jensen’s eyes misted. “ I er, no, I’m still here Mish.”
“But we’re done, why aren’t you home?”
“I thought we could save her, Misha.”
Jensen could almost hear Detective Collin's brain whirring over the distance. He knew he couldn’t fool his friend. If he psychoanalyzed himself, he would say that was precisely why, of all the people he could ring, he was ringing Misha.
“Jensen, when I called in this favor, you knew we weren't likely to to save her. We thought we could get the Perp. That’s all, and we did. You found the email, the chat thread, the internet addresses, whatever it is that you do, you did it faster than anyone expected but we never honestly expected to find her alive. She had a history of running away and it was too late, even by the time her parents contacted us. You knew the MO, you knew the situation. You did good, that man is gonna be banged up for life, where he can do no more harm, you know that. You’re a pro. This stuff doesn’t normally get to you.”
Jensen leaned back, tipped the chair. “I guess I just wanted it to work out this time, and I got it so fast, I thought there was a chance. Sort of messed everything else up to get the result and it didn’t pan out.”
“So, go home, get a snuggle from that alpaca of yours. Take some time off.”
Jensen fiddled with the fabric on his trousers and his breath hitched. “Jared isn’t answering his phone and I just, I need Misha, I want it so bad now, right now.”
He could hear the sharp intake of breath as Misha processed the words and understood.
“Shit Jen! I thought you were past all that. When did this happen? Why didn’t you say something? You can’t work like this.
Jensen fought the chaos that thrummed through his mind, to reply “It hasn’t happened yet. That’s why I had to talk. I need your help.”
Misha’s tone changed, it became controlled and commanding, his Detective persona leaking through. “Do you have any alcohol in the house, Jensen?”
“No. Jared would never allow it, not even mouthwash.”
“Can Jared collect you from work?”
A tear squeezed between his lashes and sparkled there. “I told you, he’s not picking up. I don’t know where he is Misha.”
“Hang on, this was my favor that put you where you are, let me pull a favor for you. I know a guy local to you, in ‘Traffic’. Do NOT move! Don’t put your phone down. Gonna send a car to get you and take you straight home without stopping. Then, I’m going to get hold of your husband and make sure he gets his ass to you.”
“No! You can’t! Just get me home, that’s all.”
“Jen, what aren’t you telling me? Oh hang on, other line ringing, better think on telling me the truth when I get back to you. Hold on.”
Jensen swiped at his wet eyes with the back of his hand and waited. He knew he’d messed up real bad this time. He sniffed in the silence as he waited.
The silence was suddenly broken by Misha’s voice. “Spill, Ackles. Why can’t I contact Jared?”
“I’m an idiot. I think he left me.”
“You think he left you. Jensen? Either he did or he didn’t.”
His cheeks were wet now and he hitched in to a full sob. “I’ve been so busy, you know how I get, and Jared had projects too. He’s been crazy busy, always out or working late. I thought we were okay. We left notes y’know and got together when we could but we’ve been so tired. We stopped being together and I thought it would be alright, I just wanted to get the DEA case finished, and then yours. I’m so stupid. I didn’t see it coming.”
“What didn’t you see?”
“He rang yesterday, said we had to talk, that he really needed to speak with me about us, there was something he couldn’t talk about over the phone and needed calm discussion. Christ! We both get busy and I told him so, said it had never been a problem before and I just couldn’t. Hell Misha! You know how important what I did yesterday was, and there was a small chance that we could have saved the girl. Jared knows what I do! He knows it’s about lives.”
“So you blew him off?”
“I told him to suck it up and put the phone down. When I got home he was out and there was a note on the fridge. I’d forgotten I’d promised to go with him to some important architect dinner thing. It said not to worry ‘cos he’d found someone else to go with and not to expect him back. He didn’t come home Misha.” Jensen broke down fully then and his shoulders shook as he cried “What if he means he found someone else, permanent? That it was what he wanted to talk about? Misha, I love him.”
Misha growled “I thought we’d got past all this, years ago. You’re always missing each others' functions. You know what Jared does? He gets all misty eyed and proud of his hero working all hours to make people safe. Have you even been home to check Jen?”
“I put it to the back of my mind. I couldn't risk screwing up over my personal life. I had to finish here, then we were going to sort it out, but its too late. I deserve it don’t I? He should have someone better than me.”
“Do you even remember what idiots you can be with each other? Listen to me Jensen. Jared loves you. You love Jared. You would die for each other, almost did, remember that? Because I do, I was there. You can work it out, you always do. There is an area car pulling outside your building right now, get in it, go home and TALK to each other. Take some time out to be with each other. You’re both workaholics and I know you accept that about each other. Stop with the doubt and if you even think of touching a bottle I will take the first plane out there to beat on your ass.” Misha was practically snarling now. A car horn sounded outside Jensen's window and he could see the cop car and an officer waiting for him. “Go, get in the car Jen. We’ll chat later.”
Jensen pulled his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He pasted a fake smile on his face and got in the car.
***
Jensen’s key rattled in the lock. He glanced toward the swell of the sea over the distance of the beach. Normally, the scenery and the house took his breath away. Today he didn’t want to notice. It was all Jared. Down to each careful detail, it was the home they had chosen to represent their love and Jared had painstakingly produced the design. He had badgered Jensen, every step of the way, to be involved, to love it too, and he had, but without Jared it was empty, a soulless, beauty. He called as he got inside “Jared!” but the sound bounced and echoed in the cold, unlit gloom of the house. No dogs barked or bowled him over. He removed his jacket and hung it on a peg, considered putting it back on and walking back out but it was a secluded spot, he had never bothered to regain his driving license, certain that one day he would falter in his sobriety.
Coffee. He thought. Coffee, he could have. He removed his shoes and padded through the spacious living area, with hardly a glance to the spectacular view of the sunset through the plate glass wall. A whimper in the half light, behind him, had Jensen spinning on his heel, hand on his gun.
“Hey.” The voice was quiet, cracked and broken. Jared sat in the gloom, with his legs tucked under him, on the sofa.
“Jared? Shit. Are you stupid?! I could have shot you!” It was barked out in panic, harsh, even to Jensen’s ears.
“S sorry. Shouldn’t have startled you. Guess I should know that by now.” Jared’s shoulders heaved.
“Where’s Harley and Sadie?” Jensen spoke more softly now. He placed his gun down gently and clicked on a lamp to shed a diffuse light on his husband’s tear-streaked face.
Jared wiped an eye with his hand. “With Megan. Didn’t want them here when we argued.”
Cold dread settled in Jensen’s stomach. “Did Misha call you?”
“Turned the phones off all day.” Jared took a gulping breath. “Too late maybe. Was too busy talking to everyone else, asking what they wanted, to notice when we stopped talking. To notice that you had…..” Jared couldn’t speak for crying but he was gesturing to a packet that rested on the low coffee table.
Jensen had forgotten his own needs. He had somehow caused Jared this awful pain and he hadn’t even been aware of it. He crouched by the sofa, grabbed for Jared’s hand and searched his face for clues. Jared snatched his hand away. It hit him like a physical blow, Jared didn’t even want his touch.
“That I had what, Babe?”
“Someone else,” stuttered Jared, his eyes were wet but his lips pursed and his fists were tense. Jensen recognized the anger behind his multi-hued eyes, Jared had never entirely lost the street kid within him.
“What! Why would you think that?”
“Don’t! Just don’t pretend! We’re both adults, and it's there in black and white. Mark Macavoy. Pretty close for someone you’ve never even mentioned Jen. Is that why you were avoiding me? Too much of a coward to admit it face to face? What? Were you hoping, that I’d just drift away one day? Withold sex for long enough, and Jared’s bound to creep off to the nearest alley? ”
Jensen was utterly at a loss. “Jeez! Jared I don’t know any Mark Macavoy.” He looked at his husband with horrified expression. “I was tired, we’ve been…” Jensen’s mind was racing and somehow he couldn’t stop his mouth “Have you? Did you? Is that what…”
Jared got to his feet, pulling a duffel bag to his shoulder. He didn’t shout but his voice shook with passion, “It always goes back there doesn’t it Jen? I’m always going to be that person to you but you know, I never cheated on you. Not from the first day. Not from the day we agreed to be exclusive. I never wanted to. I still don’t.
I’d say that Mark Macavoy knows you fairly well though. I’d say he knows you biblically."
He snaked a hand to the packet on the table and withdrew a thick hardback book. Jensen wasn’t expecting the force with which the book hit him in the face, the edge nicked his cheek, drawing blood and he snapped his mouth closed.
Jared stooped to pull on his boots and was heading for the door. Jensen looked on, terrified of losing his husband and he didn’t even know why he was leaving.
“Don’t run away now. Don’t you dare run away Jared because you, of all people, know it doesn’t solve anything.”
Jared stilled, with his hand on the door. Jensen blew a breath and stalked to his husband and lover, looked him directly in the eye. “Give me your hand, Jared!”
Jared heard the snick, felt the cold cut of steel on his wrist and another click as Jensen attached the other to his own wrist. Jensen made a drama of placing the key on his tongue and swallowing hard, in full view of Jared’s wide eyed stare.
“What the fuck Jen? Who the Hell even does that for real?”
“You wanted to talk Babe and I am so, so sorry that I blew you off. If you still want to leave, after we’ve discussed what we’re both so afraid of, then I’ll call someone to get us out and take you where you need to go, because I’m not letting you drive anywhere in this condition.”
“What is there to discuss? I can’t see what you’re afraid of.” Jared was fussing at the cuff and pouting.
“I was wrong to ignore you. I was caught up in work with my head up my ass. The note you left me last night. I thought you’d left me, I mean permanently left me, with whoever went with you. I was terrified to come back here and find you gone.”
Jared rattled angrily at the cuffs. “Is your guilt catching up with you there, Jensen? I don’t do that, I wouldn’t. I took my little sister with me. At least she appreciates a fancy meal and a dance. I stayed with Megan because she was too blasted to be left on her own. For your information Jen, I am out of the door. I can’t share you and I can’t trust you, and it hurts too much to stay.” He cast his eyes down and the fight seemed to drain from him. “I can’t do that.”
They stayed silent for a moment. Jensen digested everything that his husband had said and tried to make sense of it. He turned the book over in his hands before opening it to the first page. The publisher’s logo caught his eye and he recalled the company name, part of the Ackles Group. The first page had a dedication.
For Jensen.
My inspiration. My motivation. My rescue. My muse.
If I had never met you there would be no this.
No regrets.
A wide grin spread on Jensen's face, he couldn’t help the joy. He flicked through the pages and bit at his lip as he fought to suppress a giggle.
“Sonofabitch! He did it! He got published.” He turned to Jared with glee. “This! This is what you were worried about?”
Jared was silent, looking aghast at him, the tears streaming down his face. Jensen pushed his full weight and power onto the taller man, crowding him back onto the sofa until he loomed over him, settled heavy on his lap. He pinned his hands over his head and crushed their lips together with a swipe of his wet, hot tongue. “There is not one mention of loving me in that dedication. Give it up, Jay,” he purred. He felt Jared’s struggle but he knew that that ultimately, it was always him, Jensen, who truly held dominance in their relationship, because that was the way Jared needed it. He let Jared wriggle and buck against his hold but the protest was becoming weak and the signs of his arousal growing obvious. Jensen ground his groin down against Jared’s hardening cock. “Let. Me. Explain.” Jensen murmured in his ear, then nipped at the lobe and kissed a trail down the golden expanse of his neck.
“Fuck. This better be good,” Jared ground out bitterly. “I read the book. It’s mostly porn, Jen.”
“Sshh, or I will gag you. Do you need to be gagged Babe?” He placed a finger on the wide pink lips. Jared fixed a stare onto Jensen and Jensen saw the moment he gave it up and relinquished his control. Jared nodded. “Can’t do this. Can’t bear it Jen.”
“Ssh. S’Okay, s’alright.” His tone was calm, reassuring, honey and sugar and safety. Jensen loosened his tie with one hand and dragged the other hand, along with Jared’s, up to his face. He twisted it firmly into his husband’s mouth, making sure to flatten his tongue, then tied it firmly at the back of his neck. He slipped his belt from his pants and Jared’s breath hitched and his eyes widened in fear. “Ssh. I love you. Trust me. You’ve always been able to trust me. Please trust me Babe.” He pulled Jared’s other hand and secured it with the belt, he kissed each fingertip and Jared calmed a little with every touch but Jensen didn’t let up the pressure which pinned Jared to the couch.
“I didn’t recognize the name, that’s all. The surname is a pen name, I think, and if the author is who I believe he is, then yes, it is very fine porn. Romantic, erotic, adult literature which we should take the time to enjoy, together,” Jensen spoke breathily and waggled his eyebrows, “because the person who wrote this is the very same one who clued me into how I could win you over.”
Jared blinked. He looked confused.
“The night in Milligan’s, when I finally got the gumption to take you home. That was because of Mark, because he’d watched you and he knew me, he understood what I wanted and he guessed what you needed. He pushed me at you. For the record. You were never that person to me. It wasn't what I saw, because I knew you were so much more.”
Jared’s brows met and there was an ‘mmph’ from him.
“I always told you why I was there Jay. I never lied about it. Maybe I never told you that I went to him every week, twice a week. We had an arrangement from the day you and I decked each other and he rescued me, alcohol addled and half dead in the rain. It ended five minutes before I came to get you from that sordid bathroom.
Jared narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Jensen could hear the unspoken sarcasm because Jared knew, first hand, that hookers don’t care, not enough to rescue a John like that.
“He already knew me and he knew I paid well. I’d already been with him. The first night was when I ran out on JD’s party. I was going to get blind drunk, ended up getting laid instead. He was tall and lean, he had dark shaggy hair and dark eyes. Don’t you get it Jay? He looked like you and he didn’t care that it was you I craved, because it was easy cash he wanted. It worked for a while. It replaced one addiction with another and he was a nice enough person, clean, fair, intelligent. He wrote and I encouraged it. He’s a good writer. Don’t you get it though? He wasn’t you, and after that day, you were everything. I never saw him again or heard from him. I knew he was working for this publisher. I set him up with that, but it was all I needed to know. I never wanted to find out more. Why would I ever need to think about him or bring him up in conversation? I had the real Jared. I love the real Jared. This Jared is all I will ever need.”
“Mmph.” Jared curled his forefinger and thumb together in a clear ‘0’. Safeword.
Jensen hurried to tug at the makeshift gag, he loosened it and let it fall. “Are you okay. Does it hurt?”
Jared nodded. “I’m fine, I’m calm,” he said and he really was, in the way that only Jensen could ever achieve. He smiled a little, “So, that Mark would be the boyfriend you spent the night with, every Tuesday and every Friday, whose head I wanted to rip off and roll under a bus, and it would be the same Mark who came to my office, to tell me he was leaving the streets, who told me about Caitie’s scars and who advised me to go to Milligan’s that night?”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He did.”
“Sly bastard.”
Jared sniffed and giggled, forgetting his tears for a moment and Jensen thought the sun had come out. He hugged his husband tight and rubbed his back.
Jared was still pondering the information. “You could have found him easily enough and thanked him. Why didn’t you?”
“I suppose I was sidetracked, what with you being kidnapped, us being rescued, falling in love and getting married n’all, and then, well, he’s respectable now, got a job, apparently he’s writing, for real. He doesn’t need a seedy ex-John looking him up, reminding him of the worst times.”
“You’re not seedy and he doesn’t think so either, the dedication tells me that.”
“Oh I am Jay, I really am.” Jensen ducked in to unbutton Jared’s shirt and took a sharp tugging suck on each of his nipples.
Jared arched his back. “And neither of us is cheating.”
It was Jensen’s turn to smile, his green eyes sparkled and laughter lines crinkled the freckles on his face. “Misha reminded me that we can be idiots with each other.”
“You spoke to Misha?”
“I thought I’d lost you. I needed a drink, needed help.”
“You didn’t though, did you?” Jared tried to sit upright, his expression was full of concern.
“No, I didn’t.”
Jared gave a relieved smile “I’m so proud of you Jen.” He ducked his head forward to capture the full bow of Jensen’s lips, he gave a small huff as his whole body relaxed and Jensen loosed the grip on his hands. Jared hooked his tied arms around the back of the older man’s neck and sank into the kiss with enthusiasm as Jensen returned it. His fingers smoothed the nape of his husband’s neck, thrilling against the sensitive nerve ends and feathering against his short hair. He delved into the hot cavern and swept hot saliva against smooth teeth and muscular tongue. They kissed until their lips were swollen and their erections begged for attention. Jensen nipped at Jared’s lip as they broke off, then nipped at his chin before sucking a purple bruise into his neck and worrying at it with his tongue. “Mine” he said.
“Always. Just yours. Only yours.”
“I’m an idiot Jay. You never ask me for much. I promise I will never ignore you again. I love you. Will you forgive me?”
“I forgive you. You’re all mine.” He shifted slightly to grind up against Jensen and groaned as a stinging slap resounded on his thigh.
“Ah, ah, didn’t say you could. You need to conserve your energy. We’ve got plenty of time. I’ve got the whole day off tomorrow. I have important domestic matters to discuss, and your boss is going to let you do the same.”
“I’m self employed.”
“Precisely. Your boss is a fine and very, very sexy man."
Jared smiled, dimple deep. “Jensen. Did you do all that stuff in Mark’s book?” His interest seemed almost predatory.
Jensen grinned back, wide and cheesy. “Well now, I was his muse, so I suppose I must have done a lot of it. How about you ask and I demonstrate?”
“Mmhmm. Sounds like a plan.” Jared sucked at Jensen’s neck and laved around his adam’s apple. “You know there’s some activities in there which require balance, do we really need help to remove these handcuffs?”
Jensen reached into his pocket and triumphantly waved a metal key. “Sleight of hand Baby, sleight of hand.”
“You bastard!”
“That would be, you bastard, Sir!” Jensen freed his wrists, stood up and offered Jared his hand to help him up. He leaned up to Jared’s ear, flicked his tongue, inside the shell and licked it with loud messy strokes before whispering in his most commanding voice. “Go into the bedroom and strip for me. I want you kneeling at the foot of the bed and sorry for your transgressions. Jared whimpered and a delicious shiver shook through him. Jensen winked and slapped his rear as he scampered eagerly to the bedroom.
***
The sun was high and the sea rolled and sighed over the beach. Jared was crouched on the bed, chained by his wrists to the headboard and splayed wide with a spreader bar, with his ass tipped up. Jensen trailed the soft pads of his fingertips down Jared’s spine and traced the bright red welts on his firm globes. He bent his head to lick and kiss at the wounds and Jared hissed and rolled his hips up. “Oh you liked that Babe, came messy for me and not just the once. You must be worn out, let me look at that used, slutty hole of yours. Strong fingers parted the globes and rubbed down the crack to the puffy, red, furled hole. There was the shine of lube all around and the drip of ripe come. It was Jensen’s turn to groan and his weary cock twitched with interest once more.
“Jensen.”
“Hnng. Oh Christ! Jared.”
“Jen. In the book there was something about a hungry hole and a long lascivious tongue that lapped and darted and pushed and fucked into the greedy, come slick channel.” Jared chuckled as he spoke. “I don’t think you’ve demonstrated that one yet.
“Fuck!” Jensen collapsed over his husband, covering his flesh, “You’re killing me. I’m gonna die of exhaustion.”
“I’ll make breakfast after this one, coffee and pancakes,” wheedled Jared.
A cell phone started to vibrate with shrill announcement. Jensen closed his eyes and swore. He clambered off the bed and grabbed at his pants. He flipped open his phone and rolled his eyes at the word MIKE on the screen.
“Jensen. There’s a case we could really use your expertise on…..”
“Y’know Mike, I would love to, but you gave me the day off and I chained up my husband for wild sex and swallowed the key, and I’m in the middle of licking him to orgasm with my hand around his dick, so I don’t have anything spare left to work with. Now you can volunteer to take over with Jared for me, or you can go and get Katie who is most way through her training, and I will catch up with you tomorrow. What’s it going to be Sport?”
There were sicky noises down the line and a few nervous laughs. Jensen covered his face and Jared grimaced. “Oh God! Was that on loud speaker? Tell me we weren’t on conference call.”
Multiple catcalls and several, Hi Jared’s confirmed his fear. He bit his lip and gritted his teeth. Mike cleared his throat and Katie’s voice trilled down the line. I told him I’ve got it covered Jen.
“Sounds like he’s got Jared covered.” someone added.
“What would you do if I volunteered to take over,” joked Mike.
“I’d punch your lights out.” snarled Jensen.
“See you bright and early tomorrow.” Mike ended the call and Jensen flipped his phone shut, turned it off and threw it over his shoulder.
“Mmm” purred Jared, “I love it when you get all possessive and masterful. Now, I believe you promised something about licking me to orgasm?”
~END~
Description: NC-17. Four years after Jensen first tackled his alcoholism and Jared faced his past they somehow stop talking. An acquaintance from the past unexpectedly makes contact and old issues come back to haunt them. They find themselves at breaking point. This is two years after the epilogue. Jensen is still with the FBI and Jared still has his own architect business, they are living and working in California.
Warnings: Sexually explicit content, d/s themes, references to past prostitution/use of a hooker.Unbetad
Characters: Jensen/Jared, mentions of past Jensen/omc and Jared/ multiple omcs,
Disclaimer: This is fiction, pure fantasy folks. This Jensen and Jared play in my head, whisper in my ear and make me write their stories.
Length: ~5,000 words
Jensen watched the blue fade into black and the hum of the computer died into silence. He took a moment to wonder how many days it was since the machine had been quiet. He continued to stare at the black space, ran his hands over his face and into his hair and sighed. One hand reached for the top drawer of his desk. He picked up his work-issue cell and threw it into the cluttered void, then picked out his own and worked the buttons. The screen threw garish light onto his pale face, illuminating black circles around red rimmed eyes. No message. Of course not, he thought, because Jensen Ackles is an inconsiderate dickbag who took his husband for granted and got what he deserved.
He snatched his jacket from the back of his chair, slipped his wallet and cell phone into his pocket, tidied the accumulation of styrofoam coffee cups from the various surfaces of the room and flung them into the trash bin. He’d clear the rest tomorrow. He strode into the main office where several of his colleagues stood to greet him, and there was a smattering of applause. Jensen scowled. His supervisor, Mike, slapped him on the back. “Two results in one day, Jenny. Ops got a bust and the DEA think you crap rainbows and ride unicorns. We are all done for the day. You are cordially invited to get shit-faced at the bar with us.”
Jensen’s frown deepened. His hand found the round disk that nestled in his pants pocket and he turned it in his fingers, feeling its weight and shape grounding him. “The girl was dead,” he snapped ungratefully.
Mike pulled back and looked him in the face. “They got the Perp, Jen. It was a good result. Jeez, you look like shit. Have you been home this week? Did you even go home last night after I specifically told you to?”
“Went home, came back,” he retorted.
“Go home to your husband Agent Ackles, and don’t come in tomorrow. Have wild gay sex, or whatever it is you do. If you try to come in I’ll tell security that you’re a risk and have you locked up for the day.”
Jensen wanted to bitch him out or laugh at the suggestion but Mike was glaring at him, severe and seemingly serious. He bit back an almost hysterical response about the limited to zero chance of there being any sex, wild or otherwise. His shoulders slumped and he ran his fingers through his hair again as he chewed at his lip.
“Yeah. Yeah. Right. Y’all go on, I just have to, y’know, I forgot something, in my office. Then I’ll be off home.”
“Jensen, is everything okay?” His boss leaned toward him, eyes scrutinizing him. After all, nobody got to be in Mike’s position, without having excellent observational skills.
“Tired. Just tired, y’know. I’ll give the drinks a miss, thanks.” He watched them leave and slammed his office door tight before leaning back against it and retrieving his cell. He dialed the house and then Jared’s personal number with no reply, before typing out a brief text, “I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.
He settled back into his chair, deep in thought, placed the dull metal disk on the surface of his desk and twirled it. Four years. Over four years since he woke up in a strange hotel room with Mark, the hooker he didn't remember hiring, Mark, who saved his life but didn’t spare his feelings, who told him the truth and let him digest it. Four years, since a hooker canceled his schedule and stayed a lost weekend at the Hilton with his wrecked client. It was over four years since he’d tipped every last amber drop from each flask, bottle and jar, and begged Doc Carver to help him. His hand trembled as he flipped his phone open and dialed again.
His friend picked up on the third ring. “Jen. You should be on your way home.”
“I need.” His voice trembled.
“Jen. Are you okay? Is Jared there?”
Jensen’s eyes misted. “ I er, no, I’m still here Mish.”
“But we’re done, why aren’t you home?”
“I thought we could save her, Misha.”
Jensen could almost hear Detective Collin's brain whirring over the distance. He knew he couldn’t fool his friend. If he psychoanalyzed himself, he would say that was precisely why, of all the people he could ring, he was ringing Misha.
“Jensen, when I called in this favor, you knew we weren't likely to to save her. We thought we could get the Perp. That’s all, and we did. You found the email, the chat thread, the internet addresses, whatever it is that you do, you did it faster than anyone expected but we never honestly expected to find her alive. She had a history of running away and it was too late, even by the time her parents contacted us. You knew the MO, you knew the situation. You did good, that man is gonna be banged up for life, where he can do no more harm, you know that. You’re a pro. This stuff doesn’t normally get to you.”
Jensen leaned back, tipped the chair. “I guess I just wanted it to work out this time, and I got it so fast, I thought there was a chance. Sort of messed everything else up to get the result and it didn’t pan out.”
“So, go home, get a snuggle from that alpaca of yours. Take some time off.”
Jensen fiddled with the fabric on his trousers and his breath hitched. “Jared isn’t answering his phone and I just, I need Misha, I want it so bad now, right now.”
He could hear the sharp intake of breath as Misha processed the words and understood.
“Shit Jen! I thought you were past all that. When did this happen? Why didn’t you say something? You can’t work like this.
Jensen fought the chaos that thrummed through his mind, to reply “It hasn’t happened yet. That’s why I had to talk. I need your help.”
Misha’s tone changed, it became controlled and commanding, his Detective persona leaking through. “Do you have any alcohol in the house, Jensen?”
“No. Jared would never allow it, not even mouthwash.”
“Can Jared collect you from work?”
A tear squeezed between his lashes and sparkled there. “I told you, he’s not picking up. I don’t know where he is Misha.”
“Hang on, this was my favor that put you where you are, let me pull a favor for you. I know a guy local to you, in ‘Traffic’. Do NOT move! Don’t put your phone down. Gonna send a car to get you and take you straight home without stopping. Then, I’m going to get hold of your husband and make sure he gets his ass to you.”
“No! You can’t! Just get me home, that’s all.”
“Jen, what aren’t you telling me? Oh hang on, other line ringing, better think on telling me the truth when I get back to you. Hold on.”
Jensen swiped at his wet eyes with the back of his hand and waited. He knew he’d messed up real bad this time. He sniffed in the silence as he waited.
The silence was suddenly broken by Misha’s voice. “Spill, Ackles. Why can’t I contact Jared?”
“I’m an idiot. I think he left me.”
“You think he left you. Jensen? Either he did or he didn’t.”
His cheeks were wet now and he hitched in to a full sob. “I’ve been so busy, you know how I get, and Jared had projects too. He’s been crazy busy, always out or working late. I thought we were okay. We left notes y’know and got together when we could but we’ve been so tired. We stopped being together and I thought it would be alright, I just wanted to get the DEA case finished, and then yours. I’m so stupid. I didn’t see it coming.”
“What didn’t you see?”
“He rang yesterday, said we had to talk, that he really needed to speak with me about us, there was something he couldn’t talk about over the phone and needed calm discussion. Christ! We both get busy and I told him so, said it had never been a problem before and I just couldn’t. Hell Misha! You know how important what I did yesterday was, and there was a small chance that we could have saved the girl. Jared knows what I do! He knows it’s about lives.”
“So you blew him off?”
“I told him to suck it up and put the phone down. When I got home he was out and there was a note on the fridge. I’d forgotten I’d promised to go with him to some important architect dinner thing. It said not to worry ‘cos he’d found someone else to go with and not to expect him back. He didn’t come home Misha.” Jensen broke down fully then and his shoulders shook as he cried “What if he means he found someone else, permanent? That it was what he wanted to talk about? Misha, I love him.”
Misha growled “I thought we’d got past all this, years ago. You’re always missing each others' functions. You know what Jared does? He gets all misty eyed and proud of his hero working all hours to make people safe. Have you even been home to check Jen?”
“I put it to the back of my mind. I couldn't risk screwing up over my personal life. I had to finish here, then we were going to sort it out, but its too late. I deserve it don’t I? He should have someone better than me.”
“Do you even remember what idiots you can be with each other? Listen to me Jensen. Jared loves you. You love Jared. You would die for each other, almost did, remember that? Because I do, I was there. You can work it out, you always do. There is an area car pulling outside your building right now, get in it, go home and TALK to each other. Take some time out to be with each other. You’re both workaholics and I know you accept that about each other. Stop with the doubt and if you even think of touching a bottle I will take the first plane out there to beat on your ass.” Misha was practically snarling now. A car horn sounded outside Jensen's window and he could see the cop car and an officer waiting for him. “Go, get in the car Jen. We’ll chat later.”
Jensen pulled his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He pasted a fake smile on his face and got in the car.
***
Jensen’s key rattled in the lock. He glanced toward the swell of the sea over the distance of the beach. Normally, the scenery and the house took his breath away. Today he didn’t want to notice. It was all Jared. Down to each careful detail, it was the home they had chosen to represent their love and Jared had painstakingly produced the design. He had badgered Jensen, every step of the way, to be involved, to love it too, and he had, but without Jared it was empty, a soulless, beauty. He called as he got inside “Jared!” but the sound bounced and echoed in the cold, unlit gloom of the house. No dogs barked or bowled him over. He removed his jacket and hung it on a peg, considered putting it back on and walking back out but it was a secluded spot, he had never bothered to regain his driving license, certain that one day he would falter in his sobriety.
Coffee. He thought. Coffee, he could have. He removed his shoes and padded through the spacious living area, with hardly a glance to the spectacular view of the sunset through the plate glass wall. A whimper in the half light, behind him, had Jensen spinning on his heel, hand on his gun.
“Hey.” The voice was quiet, cracked and broken. Jared sat in the gloom, with his legs tucked under him, on the sofa.
“Jared? Shit. Are you stupid?! I could have shot you!” It was barked out in panic, harsh, even to Jensen’s ears.
“S sorry. Shouldn’t have startled you. Guess I should know that by now.” Jared’s shoulders heaved.
“Where’s Harley and Sadie?” Jensen spoke more softly now. He placed his gun down gently and clicked on a lamp to shed a diffuse light on his husband’s tear-streaked face.
Jared wiped an eye with his hand. “With Megan. Didn’t want them here when we argued.”
Cold dread settled in Jensen’s stomach. “Did Misha call you?”
“Turned the phones off all day.” Jared took a gulping breath. “Too late maybe. Was too busy talking to everyone else, asking what they wanted, to notice when we stopped talking. To notice that you had…..” Jared couldn’t speak for crying but he was gesturing to a packet that rested on the low coffee table.
Jensen had forgotten his own needs. He had somehow caused Jared this awful pain and he hadn’t even been aware of it. He crouched by the sofa, grabbed for Jared’s hand and searched his face for clues. Jared snatched his hand away. It hit him like a physical blow, Jared didn’t even want his touch.
“That I had what, Babe?”
“Someone else,” stuttered Jared, his eyes were wet but his lips pursed and his fists were tense. Jensen recognized the anger behind his multi-hued eyes, Jared had never entirely lost the street kid within him.
“What! Why would you think that?”
“Don’t! Just don’t pretend! We’re both adults, and it's there in black and white. Mark Macavoy. Pretty close for someone you’ve never even mentioned Jen. Is that why you were avoiding me? Too much of a coward to admit it face to face? What? Were you hoping, that I’d just drift away one day? Withold sex for long enough, and Jared’s bound to creep off to the nearest alley? ”
Jensen was utterly at a loss. “Jeez! Jared I don’t know any Mark Macavoy.” He looked at his husband with horrified expression. “I was tired, we’ve been…” Jensen’s mind was racing and somehow he couldn’t stop his mouth “Have you? Did you? Is that what…”
Jared got to his feet, pulling a duffel bag to his shoulder. He didn’t shout but his voice shook with passion, “It always goes back there doesn’t it Jen? I’m always going to be that person to you but you know, I never cheated on you. Not from the first day. Not from the day we agreed to be exclusive. I never wanted to. I still don’t.
I’d say that Mark Macavoy knows you fairly well though. I’d say he knows you biblically."
He snaked a hand to the packet on the table and withdrew a thick hardback book. Jensen wasn’t expecting the force with which the book hit him in the face, the edge nicked his cheek, drawing blood and he snapped his mouth closed.
Jared stooped to pull on his boots and was heading for the door. Jensen looked on, terrified of losing his husband and he didn’t even know why he was leaving.
“Don’t run away now. Don’t you dare run away Jared because you, of all people, know it doesn’t solve anything.”
Jared stilled, with his hand on the door. Jensen blew a breath and stalked to his husband and lover, looked him directly in the eye. “Give me your hand, Jared!”
Jared heard the snick, felt the cold cut of steel on his wrist and another click as Jensen attached the other to his own wrist. Jensen made a drama of placing the key on his tongue and swallowing hard, in full view of Jared’s wide eyed stare.
“What the fuck Jen? Who the Hell even does that for real?”
“You wanted to talk Babe and I am so, so sorry that I blew you off. If you still want to leave, after we’ve discussed what we’re both so afraid of, then I’ll call someone to get us out and take you where you need to go, because I’m not letting you drive anywhere in this condition.”
“What is there to discuss? I can’t see what you’re afraid of.” Jared was fussing at the cuff and pouting.
“I was wrong to ignore you. I was caught up in work with my head up my ass. The note you left me last night. I thought you’d left me, I mean permanently left me, with whoever went with you. I was terrified to come back here and find you gone.”
Jared rattled angrily at the cuffs. “Is your guilt catching up with you there, Jensen? I don’t do that, I wouldn’t. I took my little sister with me. At least she appreciates a fancy meal and a dance. I stayed with Megan because she was too blasted to be left on her own. For your information Jen, I am out of the door. I can’t share you and I can’t trust you, and it hurts too much to stay.” He cast his eyes down and the fight seemed to drain from him. “I can’t do that.”
They stayed silent for a moment. Jensen digested everything that his husband had said and tried to make sense of it. He turned the book over in his hands before opening it to the first page. The publisher’s logo caught his eye and he recalled the company name, part of the Ackles Group. The first page had a dedication.
For Jensen.
My inspiration. My motivation. My rescue. My muse.
If I had never met you there would be no this.
No regrets.
A wide grin spread on Jensen's face, he couldn’t help the joy. He flicked through the pages and bit at his lip as he fought to suppress a giggle.
“Sonofabitch! He did it! He got published.” He turned to Jared with glee. “This! This is what you were worried about?”
Jared was silent, looking aghast at him, the tears streaming down his face. Jensen pushed his full weight and power onto the taller man, crowding him back onto the sofa until he loomed over him, settled heavy on his lap. He pinned his hands over his head and crushed their lips together with a swipe of his wet, hot tongue. “There is not one mention of loving me in that dedication. Give it up, Jay,” he purred. He felt Jared’s struggle but he knew that that ultimately, it was always him, Jensen, who truly held dominance in their relationship, because that was the way Jared needed it. He let Jared wriggle and buck against his hold but the protest was becoming weak and the signs of his arousal growing obvious. Jensen ground his groin down against Jared’s hardening cock. “Let. Me. Explain.” Jensen murmured in his ear, then nipped at the lobe and kissed a trail down the golden expanse of his neck.
“Fuck. This better be good,” Jared ground out bitterly. “I read the book. It’s mostly porn, Jen.”
“Sshh, or I will gag you. Do you need to be gagged Babe?” He placed a finger on the wide pink lips. Jared fixed a stare onto Jensen and Jensen saw the moment he gave it up and relinquished his control. Jared nodded. “Can’t do this. Can’t bear it Jen.”
“Ssh. S’Okay, s’alright.” His tone was calm, reassuring, honey and sugar and safety. Jensen loosened his tie with one hand and dragged the other hand, along with Jared’s, up to his face. He twisted it firmly into his husband’s mouth, making sure to flatten his tongue, then tied it firmly at the back of his neck. He slipped his belt from his pants and Jared’s breath hitched and his eyes widened in fear. “Ssh. I love you. Trust me. You’ve always been able to trust me. Please trust me Babe.” He pulled Jared’s other hand and secured it with the belt, he kissed each fingertip and Jared calmed a little with every touch but Jensen didn’t let up the pressure which pinned Jared to the couch.
“I didn’t recognize the name, that’s all. The surname is a pen name, I think, and if the author is who I believe he is, then yes, it is very fine porn. Romantic, erotic, adult literature which we should take the time to enjoy, together,” Jensen spoke breathily and waggled his eyebrows, “because the person who wrote this is the very same one who clued me into how I could win you over.”
Jared blinked. He looked confused.
“The night in Milligan’s, when I finally got the gumption to take you home. That was because of Mark, because he’d watched you and he knew me, he understood what I wanted and he guessed what you needed. He pushed me at you. For the record. You were never that person to me. It wasn't what I saw, because I knew you were so much more.”
Jared’s brows met and there was an ‘mmph’ from him.
“I always told you why I was there Jay. I never lied about it. Maybe I never told you that I went to him every week, twice a week. We had an arrangement from the day you and I decked each other and he rescued me, alcohol addled and half dead in the rain. It ended five minutes before I came to get you from that sordid bathroom.
Jared narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Jensen could hear the unspoken sarcasm because Jared knew, first hand, that hookers don’t care, not enough to rescue a John like that.
“He already knew me and he knew I paid well. I’d already been with him. The first night was when I ran out on JD’s party. I was going to get blind drunk, ended up getting laid instead. He was tall and lean, he had dark shaggy hair and dark eyes. Don’t you get it Jay? He looked like you and he didn’t care that it was you I craved, because it was easy cash he wanted. It worked for a while. It replaced one addiction with another and he was a nice enough person, clean, fair, intelligent. He wrote and I encouraged it. He’s a good writer. Don’t you get it though? He wasn’t you, and after that day, you were everything. I never saw him again or heard from him. I knew he was working for this publisher. I set him up with that, but it was all I needed to know. I never wanted to find out more. Why would I ever need to think about him or bring him up in conversation? I had the real Jared. I love the real Jared. This Jared is all I will ever need.”
“Mmph.” Jared curled his forefinger and thumb together in a clear ‘0’. Safeword.
Jensen hurried to tug at the makeshift gag, he loosened it and let it fall. “Are you okay. Does it hurt?”
Jared nodded. “I’m fine, I’m calm,” he said and he really was, in the way that only Jensen could ever achieve. He smiled a little, “So, that Mark would be the boyfriend you spent the night with, every Tuesday and every Friday, whose head I wanted to rip off and roll under a bus, and it would be the same Mark who came to my office, to tell me he was leaving the streets, who told me about Caitie’s scars and who advised me to go to Milligan’s that night?”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He did.”
“Sly bastard.”
Jared sniffed and giggled, forgetting his tears for a moment and Jensen thought the sun had come out. He hugged his husband tight and rubbed his back.
Jared was still pondering the information. “You could have found him easily enough and thanked him. Why didn’t you?”
“I suppose I was sidetracked, what with you being kidnapped, us being rescued, falling in love and getting married n’all, and then, well, he’s respectable now, got a job, apparently he’s writing, for real. He doesn’t need a seedy ex-John looking him up, reminding him of the worst times.”
“You’re not seedy and he doesn’t think so either, the dedication tells me that.”
“Oh I am Jay, I really am.” Jensen ducked in to unbutton Jared’s shirt and took a sharp tugging suck on each of his nipples.
Jared arched his back. “And neither of us is cheating.”
It was Jensen’s turn to smile, his green eyes sparkled and laughter lines crinkled the freckles on his face. “Misha reminded me that we can be idiots with each other.”
“You spoke to Misha?”
“I thought I’d lost you. I needed a drink, needed help.”
“You didn’t though, did you?” Jared tried to sit upright, his expression was full of concern.
“No, I didn’t.”
Jared gave a relieved smile “I’m so proud of you Jen.” He ducked his head forward to capture the full bow of Jensen’s lips, he gave a small huff as his whole body relaxed and Jensen loosed the grip on his hands. Jared hooked his tied arms around the back of the older man’s neck and sank into the kiss with enthusiasm as Jensen returned it. His fingers smoothed the nape of his husband’s neck, thrilling against the sensitive nerve ends and feathering against his short hair. He delved into the hot cavern and swept hot saliva against smooth teeth and muscular tongue. They kissed until their lips were swollen and their erections begged for attention. Jensen nipped at Jared’s lip as they broke off, then nipped at his chin before sucking a purple bruise into his neck and worrying at it with his tongue. “Mine” he said.
“Always. Just yours. Only yours.”
“I’m an idiot Jay. You never ask me for much. I promise I will never ignore you again. I love you. Will you forgive me?”
“I forgive you. You’re all mine.” He shifted slightly to grind up against Jensen and groaned as a stinging slap resounded on his thigh.
“Ah, ah, didn’t say you could. You need to conserve your energy. We’ve got plenty of time. I’ve got the whole day off tomorrow. I have important domestic matters to discuss, and your boss is going to let you do the same.”
“I’m self employed.”
“Precisely. Your boss is a fine and very, very sexy man."
Jared smiled, dimple deep. “Jensen. Did you do all that stuff in Mark’s book?” His interest seemed almost predatory.
Jensen grinned back, wide and cheesy. “Well now, I was his muse, so I suppose I must have done a lot of it. How about you ask and I demonstrate?”
“Mmhmm. Sounds like a plan.” Jared sucked at Jensen’s neck and laved around his adam’s apple. “You know there’s some activities in there which require balance, do we really need help to remove these handcuffs?”
Jensen reached into his pocket and triumphantly waved a metal key. “Sleight of hand Baby, sleight of hand.”
“You bastard!”
“That would be, you bastard, Sir!” Jensen freed his wrists, stood up and offered Jared his hand to help him up. He leaned up to Jared’s ear, flicked his tongue, inside the shell and licked it with loud messy strokes before whispering in his most commanding voice. “Go into the bedroom and strip for me. I want you kneeling at the foot of the bed and sorry for your transgressions. Jared whimpered and a delicious shiver shook through him. Jensen winked and slapped his rear as he scampered eagerly to the bedroom.
***
The sun was high and the sea rolled and sighed over the beach. Jared was crouched on the bed, chained by his wrists to the headboard and splayed wide with a spreader bar, with his ass tipped up. Jensen trailed the soft pads of his fingertips down Jared’s spine and traced the bright red welts on his firm globes. He bent his head to lick and kiss at the wounds and Jared hissed and rolled his hips up. “Oh you liked that Babe, came messy for me and not just the once. You must be worn out, let me look at that used, slutty hole of yours. Strong fingers parted the globes and rubbed down the crack to the puffy, red, furled hole. There was the shine of lube all around and the drip of ripe come. It was Jensen’s turn to groan and his weary cock twitched with interest once more.
“Jensen.”
“Hnng. Oh Christ! Jared.”
“Jen. In the book there was something about a hungry hole and a long lascivious tongue that lapped and darted and pushed and fucked into the greedy, come slick channel.” Jared chuckled as he spoke. “I don’t think you’ve demonstrated that one yet.
“Fuck!” Jensen collapsed over his husband, covering his flesh, “You’re killing me. I’m gonna die of exhaustion.”
“I’ll make breakfast after this one, coffee and pancakes,” wheedled Jared.
A cell phone started to vibrate with shrill announcement. Jensen closed his eyes and swore. He clambered off the bed and grabbed at his pants. He flipped open his phone and rolled his eyes at the word MIKE on the screen.
“Jensen. There’s a case we could really use your expertise on…..”
“Y’know Mike, I would love to, but you gave me the day off and I chained up my husband for wild sex and swallowed the key, and I’m in the middle of licking him to orgasm with my hand around his dick, so I don’t have anything spare left to work with. Now you can volunteer to take over with Jared for me, or you can go and get Katie who is most way through her training, and I will catch up with you tomorrow. What’s it going to be Sport?”
There were sicky noises down the line and a few nervous laughs. Jensen covered his face and Jared grimaced. “Oh God! Was that on loud speaker? Tell me we weren’t on conference call.”
Multiple catcalls and several, Hi Jared’s confirmed his fear. He bit his lip and gritted his teeth. Mike cleared his throat and Katie’s voice trilled down the line. I told him I’ve got it covered Jen.
“Sounds like he’s got Jared covered.” someone added.
“What would you do if I volunteered to take over,” joked Mike.
“I’d punch your lights out.” snarled Jensen.
“See you bright and early tomorrow.” Mike ended the call and Jensen flipped his phone shut, turned it off and threw it over his shoulder.
“Mmm” purred Jared, “I love it when you get all possessive and masterful. Now, I believe you promised something about licking me to orgasm?”
~END~