Big Bang 2012: Love Lies Burning. 20/24
Alona minimizes the internet tab on the website about mental health. She can’t find the specific page for diagnosing whether your boss has lost his mind. She puts a cup of coffee into Jared’s hand and he takes a sip and lifts his brows. “This isn’t ours.”
“I stopped by Black Medicine on the way in,” she boasts with a chirpy grin.
“You should have thought of that before now.” He turns his back without thanking her and Alona contemplates the merits of rat poison.
“We got the contract back from Nana’s. Legal says their changes are workable,” she shouts after him. She’s expecting a smile, perhaps even a little dance. There’s nothing.
“Send a note to Marketing and make sure they are prepped to get this moving quickly. I want to make the film festival and Gay Pride. Make sure Rainbow have the necessary changes to the packaging approved by Nana’s. Make travel arrangements for Jeff and I to go out to Rainbow on Saturday. Business Class, not First Class. Contact that woman at the Pink Blaze to see if I can get an interview which benefits both of us. Oh, and Alona, when Misha’s flight gets in tell him to come here before he goes home.”
“Mish told me to give you his love, tell you you’re nuts and as far as he can tell you are still on target, but it’s your turn to buy the bubbly. Oh, and he wants to meet Jen!”
Jared turns on his heel and looks at her, there is an unreadable expression on his face and an inexplicable, cold shiver travels Alona’s spine. Jared pauses before he speaks, “You two should come over on Sunday. We’ll have dinner, hang out and watch some football.”
She paints on a smile and says “Great idea. Thanks,” because really, the thought of an extra minute with Jared gives her ideas of self harm.
Alona watches Jared as he gets immersed in the work he has neglected in the days since he rescued the vagrant. It is impossible to keep a secret in Padalecki Inc. and Jared is the gossip at every water cooler in the building. The general consensus is that the stress of his brother’s arrest has sent him crazy. Alona thinks he has been a little insane since the day he first noticed the hobo.
Jared drifts through the day. He’s going through the motions and he feels disconnected. Alona is sneaking sideways glances at him and it is making his gut clench with fear and guilt.
Misha breezes through his door with a box of candy strips and a huge smile just as Jared ends a call to Jeff. The tall man rubs his temples with his fingers. He’s not faking his headache. “Hey,” he greets his friend.
“You look like shit Jared. I would say you need to get laid but rumors suggest it isn’t a problem.”
“Have you been talking to Jeff?”
Misha sits on Jared’s desk. “Yep. What gives?”
“Jen had pneumonia. I couldn’t let the Padalecki garden gnome die. Our employees think they have too few benefits as it is.”
“And he’s hot.”
“Yeah, he is.” Jared smirks.
“So, why the stress-face?” Misha asks.
“Uck. I said I’d help him find somewhere to live. It’s getting crowded and he’s a bit clingy. I’m not looking for anything permanent with him, y’know? We were looking at a new development, one of those sheltered housing schemes. There’s a show apartment open and they’ll be ready to move in within a month. He needs some help though. I said that I’d go with him to look at the site and talk to the rep on Saturday. I need to look around the area, talk prices, that sort of thing. It’s not something he can do alone. He’s not going to understand pricing schemes or know what questions to ask.”
“So, go do it.”
“Jeff and I have to be at Rainbow or the launch will never get off the ground. I’ll tell Jen we have to cancel,” Jared sighs and hopes it isn’t too exaggerated.
“You do know who Jen is, right?” Misha flicks his fingers through his hair. He’s looking concerned but Jared thinks he can discern something more, something darker.
“Yeah.” He puts his hands up as if in surrender as he speaks, “Jeff’s already given me the lecture. I know he’s not Josh and he’s not exactly a suitable match but let me live dangerously. It’s charity and fun all rolled into one and it gives me contacts at the local homeless shelter and that gives Padalecki’s caring, sharing image a boost. There will be a few photo opportunities. I’ve volunteered for you to do the soup run a few times, and I’m serving suppers.”
“Gee, thanks. Here I was thinking that you’d changed, but it’s too late, you’re destined to be an evil bastard for the rest of your life. Do you really think Jen will be able to stay in one place? He seems the type to drift off, back to the street. You do know that he will probably disappear as mysteriously as he arrived don’t you? You shouldn’t get too attached.”
It is a possibility that Jared has dwelled on when he’s been lonely in his bed, and he doesn’t want to be reminded of his insecurity. He steals a stack of candy strips from Misha and stuffs several into his mouth at once. Not much can keep him from candy.
“Hey. Not fair! Candy criminal!”
“You know you bought it for me.”
Misha places the box on Jared’s desk. “You’ll have to share with Alona or she’ll set fire to your files.” He looks thoughtful, “If Jen would let me go with him to look at the development then I can explain the financial details and look it over for you. I’d have to check with Alona but I’m sure she’d rather be shopping for shoes on a Saturday.”
“I pay her too much,” grumbles Jared, “I can’t expect you to give up your weekend.”
“I have to check out the competition don’t I? Is his ass that much better than mine?”
Misha stands up, wiggles his hips and blows a kiss at his friend.
“Definitely,” deadpans Jared. He’s trying not to choke on his own false smile because this is Misha. This is his best buddy, his port in a storm, his confidante and his court jester. This is the man who has betrayed him. This is the friendship which will be forsaken. “I’ll find out if Jen is ready to take on your madness. It may be too much for him.”
“Let me know.”
“I will.Thanks.”
Misha is about to leave when Alona hurries in. She grabs at her boyfriend to put him between herself and her boss. “The entire Padalecki server is down,” she blurts out and waits for the explosion.
“Shit! What happened?” Jared feigns surprise and prays that it is convincing.
“I.T. said they were doing scheduled maintenance and updating some systems when they hit a glitch. According to Ash something needs renewing and they’re hoping to get it back on line by tomorrow night. You should go down there.”
“But tomorrow is Friday, it’s a few days from year end, and there’s payroll to be done.” Jared has a thunderous expression on his face.
Misha clicks into action, “We have a back up system. If we have the last good copy of accounts, we can make arrangements and balance the books when we are live again. You go kick ass, and I’ll assume the worst and start.” Misha points at them both. “Don’t let anyone disturb me,” he points at Jared and looks at Alona “and make sure he doesn’t have any weapons when he goes down to I.T!”
Alona gives Misha a fond smile and then glares at Jared, “Aye, aye, Sir.”
Normally Jared would be impressed with Misha’s professional commitment and his willingness to work around a problem, but now he wonders how much of Misha’s helpfulness stems from being scared that someone will find the false numbers that he has hidden within their accounts.
Deceit is exhausting. Lorretta has left lasagne and salad for their supper. Jeff is out with Danneel, and Jared perches his meal on his lap to eat while watching Die Hard. Jensen sits at the far end of the couch. His eyes don’t flicker in the direction of the television. He has been overtly watching Jared’s every move since he got home. The executive feels like a bug under a microscope.
They had sat on opposite sides of the breakfast bar to have their scheduled talk time. Jared had described the day’s events, and Jen had asked for some small details. Jared had tried to apologize again for what he had said in the early hours of the morning, but Jen had reached fingers to his mouth and shushed him. They talked about the role that Jen would play in their scheme and Jared had been at pains to describe the many safeguards that were already in place to keep Jensen and Sadie secure. There was little else said, but it doesn’t matter because Jen was already moving back to the studio. The time he had allocated to be together had been reduced to a minimum on his new plan.
Jared pours a drink and settles on his couch but he can’t get comfortable. He flicks through the channels and watches snatches of several shows before settling to watch an old black and white horror flick. At least it gives him an excuse to be fidgety and on edge. When the final credits roll on the movie and the television screen goes black the house is silent aside from the ticking of a clock. Jared goes to bed, but he doesn't sleep and Jensen doesn't come to him in the night.
Friday is hellish, and Jared has black rings around his eyes from lack of sleep. He’s strung out, tense to almost breaking point. He has an acid tongue and quick temper. Alona avoids him, Jeff ignores him and Misha is too busy to notice. Mid-afternoon he plucks up the courage to make the call to Misha to confirm that Jen will meet him at the development site the next day. Soon after that he vomits his lunch into the executive toilets. He makes his apologies and takes a walk home.
He’s not expecting to find Christian at home with Jen. They both look startled and a little guilty when he strides in. “I’m sorry, I’m early, I have a headache so ignore me,” Jared says as he opens a can of soda.
“I hope it’s painful,” remarks Chris.
Jared ignores the slight, he probably deserves it, but Jen darts an icy glare at the blue eyed man. “I didn’t know you were coming,” Jared comments.
“I’m just leaving.” Christian replies, “Surely Jen is allowed friends here?”
Jen signs something at Christian and the shelter manager chooses to sign his reply. There appears to be a silent disagreement.
“Jen is allowed anyone over. I didn’t know he was in contact with you. I should have organized something for him.”
“I gave Jen a cell phone before he left the hospital. Told him to text if anything went wrong or he needed me. He texted me this morning. He also has email on the laptop you lent him, or will you be taking that from him?”
Jared is lost in the accusation, he’s been an asshole but he’s not sure why Chris would be so aggressive towards him. There’s another silent instruction from Jen, and Chris apologises to the green-eyed man. “Sorry man, I’m going, let you fight your own battles and all that. You contact me if you need help. Any time.”
Jen nods and waves, then signs “Thank you,” Jared recognizes it.
Chris jangles the keys to the van he came over in, “Walk with me,” he instructs Jared as he stands to leave.
In the weak sunshine and breezy air Christian pulls the van door open and stands by it. He lowers his voice to talk directly to Jared, “I know your type. I see the ones who take advantage of people on the street because they are friendless and defenseless, they don’t expect much and assholes like you breeze in and take without a thought. Jen’s good looking with a beautiful mind, and if you take advantage of that then you are no better than a pimp. Know this, Mr. Padalecki, Jensen has friends. I am one of them, and it means that he is not defenceless. I have no idea what you did to upset Jen, but I am not afraid of you or your type. The only reason you’re still standing is because he asked me not to hurt you.” Chris gets into his seat and buckles his belt. “Next time I’m not going to be so charitable.” The door closes with a clunk, the engine revs and Christian is gone, leaving a cloud of black engine smoke behind him.
When Jared returns to the house Jen is waiting with a glass of water, Tylenol and an outstretched hand. It’s an unexpected gesture. He takes the hand and lets himself be pulled through to Jen’s studio room. Fingers touch his face briefly and remove his jacket from his shoulders, his tie is loosened before he’s pushed onto the sheets and the coverlet is pulled up to his shoulders. Whatever Jen has told Christian that Jared has done, this seems an odd way to deal with it. He protests weakly because his eyes sting with the pain in his head, he’s confused, anxious and stressed, and he couldn’t get it up even if he hadn’t just been accused of being a sexual predator. The pads of Jen’s fingers massage his brow and there is no lust in the actions, just care. The room is warm and smells of sweet chamomile and oil paints. Colored drapes blow gently by an open window. Somewhere in the house a clock ticks. Jensen’s breathing matches time, regular and reassuring.
The lines on Jared’s face smooth out as he sleeps. Jensen watches him, hypnotized by the slight movement of his lips as air blows through them and the steady rise, fall of his chest. Jared’s eyes are sunken with dark shadows, and there’s the faintest whiff of sickness. He hasn’t been drinking, but he has been ill. Jen has thought about the friendship that Jared will be sacrificing to protect him. The idea of what he might be feeling is abstract, but he tries to imagine it. He recalls Josh’s death, and there’s a memory of losing control, sickness and devastating, toxic anger. There’s always an unfilled space by his side, however crowded he is. After this is finished, he wonders if there will two empty spaces to throw grey shadows whenever he is together with Jared.
As time passes Jensen's own nerves are jangling. Butterflies flutter and shove at the base of his stomach. He knows that today is the last chance he has to make a difference. Three little words hang heavy and unspoken in the air, weighed down by years of uncertainty and frozen inability. It has to be now, of that he is certain, and without them he cannot expect Jeff or Jared to trust him. The speech therapist has been to the house twice in two days and Chris has helped him too. Now is the time. He hears Jeff slam the front door, there’s the metallic clatter of keys hitting the hall table and the thunk of his briefcase being dropped to the floor. “Jay!”
Hazel eyes flicker open and squint in confusion at the unfamiliar sleeping place. Jen leans over him and brushes wayward strands of hair from his face.
“Jared! Jen!” Jeff is calling. There was a time scheduled for talking about their plan and the hands of the clock meet their allotted places. Jensen lifts his small alarm clock and shows Jared the time. Jared groans “Okay, okay, I’m up.
Jared describes his day and Misha’s offer to complete the payroll. Jeff is worried about the involvement of I.T. and specifically how Jared can trust Ash so completely. Jared raises his eyebrows, “He came to us with a history of hacking and a court case on his back. I fixed that. He owes me and he trusts me.”
Whatever, it’s too late to make alterations, thinks Jensen.
Jared talks Jensen through the cab journey. He will be meeting Misha at the housing scheme. Jim’s fake housing rep. will be there waiting for them and watching out for Jensen’s safety. He shows him photographs of the fake rep. and has the man introduce himself on Skype. Jen listens and watches but doesn’t participate. The man is not part of his current reality. Apparently, the number of strangers that Jensen will have to deal with worries Jared. There are words he can say to help Jared to believe in him, so he writes them. They may or may not be true. Jensen has a plan and he believes he will cope. Sometimes he believes wrong, but he will follow the plan, for Jared.
Both Jeff and Jensen argue that there is no need for Jim’s men to be at the house with Jensen. Jared compromises on the number of people that will be involved. Jensen’s yellow cab has been booked and will arrive at a specified time. The driver is trusted and he is an experienced bodyguard in his own right. There is still surveillance at the perimeter of the house and it is decided that it would be counter productive for anyone else to accompany Jensen to the meeting place. The housing scheme has been chosen because, on paper, it is the ideal place for Misha or a paid hitman to strike. Jared shows Jensen a drawing of where the cameras and microphones will be hidden and where Jared, Jeff and Jim will be.
Jensen can’t remember when his world went blank but there’s a squeeze on his hand and he looks into hazel eyes. Jeff is gone. He can hear him in the kitchen and the clink of a spoon in a coffee mug. There is the aroma of freshly ground coffee beans. They take a break for coffee and for Jensen to be alone in his studio room. He polishes the expanse of window glass until it gleams. He realizes that he has been circling his cloth on the same pane of glass for twenty notches of the clock and he snaps back to himself. There is something he needs to say and he knows that it must be said tonight. He has worked at the shape of his mouth, the position of his tongue and the way that air leaves his lungs for two whole days. He has sounded out the syllables separately and spoken them together, in private. This time he knows he can succeed. He returns to Jared and Jeff to continue with their task.
Soon enough there is a timed plan. Jen wants to shut it out and pretend it isn’t real but it is and it is important. He has to do this if he wants to move on with his life. He pinches the delicate skin of his own wrist until it bruises, to force his own attention. He participates with brief words on paper. He is getting weary as the hands on the clock continue moving. He almost doesn’t hear Jeff’s gruffly voiced and terse question, “Why should we trust you Jensen. What is in it for you?”
Jensen panics. His hands are trembling, curled tight around his journal and his eyes won’t meet Jeff’s. There are colors everywhere, distracting him with numbers and sequences but the only one that matters is the black of his journal. He slows his breathing as Josh once taught him and gradually releases his grip on his filofax to grasp at the flap and undo the elastic band closure. This is it. He has to go through with it. He flips the pages and finds what he is looking for. His fingers feel as thick as sausages and less agile, and he’s struggling to extract the delicate painting of ten black roses and the yellowing envelope with shaky hand writing that was written by Grandma Padalecki in the days before she became a stiffened corpse to bury in cold ground.
The paper crinkles and tears in his effort but the letter inside is mostly in one piece when he slides it across the table to Jared. He reaches into his pocket and takes out another sheet of paper, in his own scrawl and written only that day. He unfolds it and passes it across, placing it under the old note.
For a moment their hands meet and there is warmth and the thrill of the touch. “What is it?” Jared is asking him.
Jen pushes it at him again and then finds the strength to get up from his seat. The chair tumbles and crashes to the floor as he runs into the living room and scoots to the furthest corner of the couch where he hides his face in his hands. It’s black and safe there and he rocks, just a few centimetres each way but enough to dizzy his mind and comfort him. He can’t do it. He hasn’t succeeded in two years, why should this be any different?
He’s not sure how long he’s been there but there is the squeeze of his hand and Jared’s mellow voice, “Jen, come back to us. There’s nothing wrong here. You’ve nothing to worry about. Please Jen.”
He’s doing it all wrong and Josh would be frustrated if he were here. He has to calm down. He has to remember the plan. He is still gripping his journal, he forces himself to focus and open the pages. It’s there, neat letters on the page. Jensen takes a long shuddering breath to compose himself. His head clears as he stills his movement and there’s light trickling through his eyelashes as he forces his eyes open. There’s a single second of courage and clarity and Jen seizes it. He grabs at Jared’s hand and Jared gives a girly screech of shock, as he’s pulled onto the sofa beside him. The man who he cares so much for, lands gracelessly and fast and Jen clambers onto him, sitting astride of his knees and pushing him with the palm of his hand on his chest, into the support of the sofa.
Jeff clears his throat and speaks nervously, “Er, guys?”
“Sss!” The sound is ferocious and deliberate. Jensen has a finger over his mouth.
Jared’s lashes are parted wide around dazed eyes, and he’s biting his lip but Jen doesn’t think he’s afraid. Jared knows his secret now, and he should never be scared of Jensen again. Jared’s lips are moving and Jensen remembers to listen to the sound as well as look at the shapes, “You were there, you saw what I did, you heard what I said. You told Grandma Padalecki and you both kept it a secret. You compromised and went after the company but kept us out of jail, just for her, because she forgave you when you were a child. All those years ago, she forgave you for breaking into her home and scaring her. She went behind our Pa’s back to help you. You loved her.”
It isn’t a question and Jensen nods.He remembers her compassion and the way her care lifted the black and poisonous cloud that had threatened to choke every last bit of love and joy from him.
Jared continues, “The letter she wrote before she died, you kept it with you. It was with you every day that you came to the Padalecki Building wasn’t it?”
Jensen nods. He can see Jared motioning for Jeff to sit by their side, and Jeff gingerly places himself next to them. He looks terrified and there’s a part of Jensen that knows Jeff needs this resolved too.
Jared looks as if he might die without the answer to the question he hasn’t been brave enough to vocalize, “What she asked you to do in her letter …did you?” Jared is quivering with stress, and his fingers are drumming on his thigh. He falters in his query, but it doesn’t matter because Jen has made the commitment and the air hums ready in his chest. He looks toward Jeff and then directly at Jared. The sound is bubbling up in him and it is unfamiliar. He wants to end it. It is heart-stoppingly scary, and he’s been practising, but he’s sure it will come out wrong. He’ll be too loud and too soft, too high, too low, shouting and ridiculous and foreign to his own ears.
When it comes, it is surprisingly easy and oddly short. The accent is strange. His voice is low and growly, but all the letters flow in the right order, even if the emphasis is a little odd.
“I f-or-give you,” he blinks and grins because it was never supposed to be that simple. All the days he watched and waited, all the times he built it up in his head, he never imagined such ease. The Padalecki brothers are looking at him and he’s calculating the numbers of the colors and the angle of the lines, the size of their eyes and the shape of their mouths. They aren’t angry. He’s not sure what they feel, but it isn’t bad, he can tell that.
“I forgive you,” he says again, and the release of the moment is overwhelming. As if sensing her master’s mood Sadie yips and moves to sit by their legs. There is wet on Jensen’s face and snot running down his nose and all the evidence tells him that he is crying but he doesn’t care. It took him a long time to comprehend what he had to do. It took him even longer to understand how he would do it. Along the way, he made friends, acquired skills and learned new things about himself, about Jared, Jeff and Misha. There are three more words that he thinks he may need to say to Jared but that is for their private time. He knows he can learn them, because he has finally achieved what he first followed Jared here to do.
There are tears spilling through Jared’s lashes, and Jen wipes them away with his finger, “Sss!”
Jeff is blowing his nose into a large tissue and surreptitiously wiping the droplets from his cheeks. It is a catharsis he will never admit that he craved.
Jared looks beautiful. Even as the edges of his eyes turn red and his face becomes blotchy he is the most wonderful human being Jensen has ever known. He leans forward on Jared’s thighs to kiss the slightly open mouth. He tastes the salt of tears and follows the trail with his tongue. He leans his forehead against Jared’s and revels in the taste, the smell and even the closeness.
“You okay?” Jared whispers the question.
“Iss,” he’s reaching to unbutton Jared’s shirt even as he answers, and Jared’s eyes don’t leave his face.
When he tosses Jared’s shirt aside he notices that Jeff has gone. It doesn’t concern him for long, his hands tangle in silky brunette hair and he is diving in to suck at the smooth skin of Jared’s neck, marking him with his claim. Jared moans and pushes his pelvis up into him. His hands drop to his sides and fingers grasp the sofa cushions. Jensen stops to think about everything he has learned and what he wants. He puts his hands on Jared’s shoulders and moves them downwards, smoothing the skin all the way to Jared’s hands. He sits upright on his lover’s lap and pulls Jared’s fingers to the bottom of his tee-shirt, bunches the material into them and then helps him to lift it off over his head. He guides the gentle hands back to his bare skin and encourages the touch. He shivers as they reach his nipples and circle the hardening pink nub. It is as if he can feel every ridge and swirl on the pad of the fingertip and his hairs stand to attention as he thrills to it. Jared is looking intently at his face, and he notices the tight clench of his own jaw and his body, rigid with tension. He has to remind himself to relax because there is no pressure and he isn’t contained. He can move away any time he wants.
Jared seems to sense the emotions that war within him, “You can stop me any time. You’re in control Jen. This is nice, so good, I don’t want to stop. I don’t think you want me to.”
Jared is right. Jensen doesn’t want this to end and there is no rush. Jensen believes he does want to find out how Jared’s touch feels, over every part of him, and he feels secure to try it. He knows that Jared will stop if he asks. Jensen can control this, and it is enough.
Part 21
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