Fic: Observations, Ch 220
“No, this eighty-fifth passage should be played faster.”
“It’s impossible to play it that fast, Spock. I’m a human, you’re a Vulcan. You said this was difficult even for Vulcans to manage.”
“Your proficiency at the lute surpasses that of most Vulcans. You are able to play this at its proper speed. Try again.”
Nyota took a deep breath, then began playing.
For reasons unknown, the fact that her tempo still lagged caused disproportionate reactions in us both.
“Insufficient.”
Nyota’s eyes sparked with anger.
“I’m trying.”
“Try again.”
She suddenly thrust the lute aside and swept the music away with a sound of frustration.
“I don’t need this from you too, Spock! First Jim, now you! I don’t care about this eighty-fifth whatever, this tempo is inhumanly ridiculous! Stop telling me I can do better because I can’t. I’m tired, I’ve had a long shift, and if you’re going to nitpick everything I do, then leave. I want to sleep.”
We stared at each other.
I broke the silence.
“I apologize. You are correct-we are not in an optimal frame of mind to practice this piece rigorously.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to practice it rigorously.”
“Your estimation of your own ability is inaccurate.”
“Spock.”
“I am offering an objective evaluation. I see no reason why you should take offense to that.”
Nyota put her hand to her forehead.
“I know it’s objective,” she sighed. “And I know you meant it as a compliment, but that’s not how I took it.”
“If you would elaborate on that statement and provide clarification.”
“It sounded like you were criticizing me, saying that I can do better. If I were feeling better, I would probably hear what you meant to say, but my emotional reserves are low right now. Your objectivity sounded harsh, and I didn’t want to hear it.”
“I did not intend to place that emotional connotation into my statement.”
“I know. But you know that communication depends on both people involved, and it take time and energy to process what’s being said. When humans are tired or feeling raw, the amount of effort we’re willing to put into understanding others is very low, and we’re more likely to interpret words through emotions.”
“Yet you are taking the time to explain this to me, despite your exhaustion.”
“Because you’re ndugu, Spock. It’s worth the effort.”
Silence.
“Has he told you anything?”
“No.”
“Nothing?”
“He refuses.”
Nyota’s shoulders slumped. She walked to me and put her arms around me.
“Emotions suck.”
“Indeed.”
“I feel like I’ve been running a marathon. No. I wish I could run a marathon. Just keep running and running across the plain.”
“You find the treadmills at the gymnasium insufficient?”
She nodded.
“I want to feel the earth under my feet. My steps pounding out a rhythm, making the grass rustle and sing.”
“Poetic.”
“Or sing. Sing and sing and sing all this sadness away.”
“I can arrange to have a concert.”
“A recital?”
“Yes. One that does not involve the lute.”
“No, one that doesn’t involve me playing the lute. I’d like you for accompaniment.”
“If you find the music, I will gladly do so. It would be a welcome break.”
“Okay. It’s a plan.”
Nyota leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder.
“Spock?”
“Yes?”
“I still have nightmares.”
A pause.
“I have not been sleeping well also.”
“They aren’t specific. Just, screams and fog. Screams and fog.”
I do not know if it is better or worse that my nightmares prominently feature faces.
“Scotty has nightmares too. All the time. We wake each other up.”
“This will pass, ndugu.”
“I know.”
“Allow yourself time to process everything that has happened these past missions.”
“I want it to pass faster.”
“Terrans are not able to accelerate their emotional healing.”
“And Vulcans are?”
“Certain meditative exercises are designed to facilitate the process, yes.”
Nyota looked at me.
“I know that tone of voice. You’re pushing yourself.”
“With Jim in the state he is, I cannot afford-”
“No no no no, that’s not how it works. No one person carries the emotional load all the time, Spock.”
“I cannot ask anything more of him.”
“It’s not about asking more, it’s about leaning on each other. You can’t do this. You’re going to snap, Spock, if it keeps going this way.”
“I do not know what to do.”
“Talk to him.”
I did not reply.
“Talk to him. Sit him down and talk to him-don’t analyze, like you usually do. Talk, and listen.”
“I find I am not competent in the skill of providing comfort, as humans require.”
“Don’t be so stupid. Ndugu, what do you think you’re doing right now?”
It is different. This is different.
“I think I know the perfect song for my recital. An old pre-Warp song.”
“You enjoy singing those.”
“I don’t know why, but I do. I think it’s because of pre-Warp E. The nuances of it. We’ll have to translate this. It won’t be difficult.”
Nyota suddenly sat up.
“I am just about to be brilliant. Oh, this is perfect. Picture this-Sulu breakdancing, Pavel with his glowsticks, Scotty with the lights. Christine can sing, you know.”
“She demonstrated her abilities during the Redjac mission.”
“Really? What did she sing?”
“‘Row, row, row your boat.’”
Nyota laughed.
“But me and her singing together. On stage.”
“And Leonard and Jim?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think of something. They aren’t the singing and dancing type.”
“Nor am I.”
“I’ll work the kinks out, but if we can pull it off-everyone will be blown away. We’ll take back everything this universe has wrenched from us.”
Nyota looked at me.
“We’ll remember why we’re in space at all, why we fell in love with our jobs. We’ll remember how to laugh again.”