Fic: Observations, Ch 246
I am always exhausted.
I have fully recovered from all injuries. There is no reason for me to be exhausted. I eat regular meals as Dr. McCoy and M’Benga prescribe. There are energy reserves and calories which my body may consume. There is no reason for me to be exhausted.
Yet I sleep for hours. Vulcans do not require sleep.
There is no logical reason for this.
I cannot focus on the bridge. I cannot focus in my lab, I cannot focus in meetings. My mind wanders, but it goes nowhere. I sit blankly as words go by, discussions go by, plans are made and I have no opinion.
And I am always exhausted.
I have healed from what happened. There is no reason for this exhaustion, no justification for my lack of concentration. Frustration pushes to the surface because I no longer bear the physical marks of the incident, therefore I am healed. I am moving on.
There is no reason to be so distracted.
I sit down to meditate but I cannot bear it. Vulcan meditation requires I review emotions and the events associated with them.
I will not go back there. I am healed. There is nothing more to say or do.
Exhaustion.
Sleep. The one place where everything does not loom over me. I forget myself, I forget everything in that oblivion. I sleep and then am late for my shift.
I am never late. Vulcans are never late. Lateness causes inefficiency and inefficiency is illogical. But I am late and that is just another sign that something is wrong with me.
Everything is wrong with me.
I am healed. I am Vulcan. Emotions are a thing of the mind and the mind can be controlled. I control my mind, I control my body, I control my schedule, I control my time.
I am exhausted for no reason.
Control.
When I am distracted and the captain asks me a question and I have no answer, they look at me with pity in their eyes. I stiffen and hatred pushes to the surface.
Nothing has happened. Everything is as it once was. I am healed.
The captain has taken me off the of the Away Team rotation. He is following the recommendations of Dr. McCoy and M’Benga, and he expressed that he feels it is the right decision.
“Spock, you’re not yourself yet.”
“Captain, I am in perfect physical condition to participate regularly on Away Team mission. There is no reason for you to remove me from the list.”
“You’ve just gotten over the shit they did to your body. You’re still dealing with the emotional backlash,” he said gently, but firmly. “And I don’t want anything to happen if a mission goes wrong.”
“You believe I am not competent.”
“Spock, that’s not what I said-”
“You believe me to be a liability.”
“No, will you just stop and listen for a sec-“
“I have fully recovered from the incident, Dr. McCoy has given me a clean bill of health therefore by Starfleet Protocol 84-A9 it is within my right as First Officer to add myself to the Away Team rosters.”
“By Starfleet Protocol 83-R5 I have the power as captain to revoke that right if I think it’s necessary. Don’t make me do that, Spock. I promise you we’ll get through this, and you’ll be back on duty. Give it time.”
“You believe I am emotionally compromised.”
Silence.
“Very well, captain. I defer to your expertise, since you seem to know intimately all my states of emotional compromise. If you’ll excuse me.”
Jim blanched. I walked away.
I am exhausted.