Fic: Bad Memory (SPN, Dean/Castiel)
Title:Bad Memory
Pairings/Characters: Dean/Castiel, past Dean/Inias
Genre: college!AU, human Castiel
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4950
Summary: Sometimes things aren't what they seem.
Author's Notes: Written as a gift to c00kie for the 2012 Dean/Cas Secret Santa Exchange.
The prompt I used was, After Dean's rejection in high school, Castiel vowed never to think about him again. But now he's in college and is stuck being roommates with the same guy who broke his heart.
Also @AO3.
Bad Memory
“Are you sure this is okay?” Inias asked as he followed Castiel up the stairs to his room. “Won't your roommate mind?”
At the mention of his roommate, Castiel felt his chest tighten, but as always, he ignored it. He was used to the strange combination of pain and pleasure that he felt whenever he thought of his friend. It had been a long time, however, since he had allowed himself to become aware of it. Nothing good could come out of dwelling on it and it had done enough damage, already.
“I'm sure,” he told Inias. “It is unlikely that Dean will even be there. He always has a date on Friday nights.”
Dean's weekly dates were the reason why Castiel always went out on Friday nights as well. Watching Dean get ready and make himself even more attractive than he always was - which really shouldn't have been possible - was nothing less than torture. Castiel had endured it during the first few weeks that they'd lived together, but he wasn't masochistic enough to put himself through it for long. He had hated sitting on his bed, pretending to read, but really just trying to imagine who it was that Dean was going out to meet. She was pretty, he knew that much. Dean wasn't as shallow as he sometimes appeared, but with his looks and his charm, he could afford to be choosy. She would have to be confident and outgoing. Dean wasn't into shy girls; he said that they always made him do all the work. She was probably intelligent, too. Some people made the mistake of thinking that Dean wasn't clever. They couldn't be further from truth. He wasn't bookish, that was all. Dean enjoyed good conversation as much as anyone else and if the girl didn't challenge him intellectually, he wouldn't put up with her for long. Beyond that, it was anyone's guess. Not that it was important. All that mattered was that she wasn't male and she certainly wasn't Castiel.
“I see,” Inias said. “Does he have a girlfriend?”
Castiel didn't reply immediately. The suspicion had crossed his mind, but he always forced himself to ignore it. Dean with a girlfriend, in a committed relationship, was not something that he was willing to contemplate.
“I don't know,” he said, finally. “He hasn't said. He never tells me about his dates.”
Castiel knew that he should be grateful about that. It wasn't like he wanted to hear about Dean's love-life. Just imagining it was painful enough. He certainly didn't need the details to make him even more miserable. The problem was that there had been a time when Dean had told him about his dates. Dean had told him about everything, even things that no one else knew. He had trusted Castiel implicitly, because he had known that Castiel would never betray him. But that had been before. Before that disastrous Saturday night during their senior year, when Castiel had made the biggest mistake of his life.
~~~~~
He didn't remember it. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, he wasn't sure. He'd woken up the following morning with a head that had ached so badly that he had almost wished that it would explode and end his misery, a stomach that had been doing its very best to escape through his gullet and with several hours missing from his memory. The last thing that he had remembered was Meg's evil grin as she had suggested a game of 'Never have I ever', followed by a round of deceptively innocent questions, the sole purpose of which had obviously been to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. The next morning, Castiel had felt a vague sense of regret, as if he had done something horrendously stupid after that, but since he had had no idea what it could be, he hadn't paid it any attention.
Exactly how unspeakably stupid he had been had not become clear to him, until he had arrived at school the following Monday. On his way to his first class, he had met Dean in the hallway, but Dean had barely looked at him. It had been as if Dean couldn't bring himself to meet Castiel's gaze. That was unusual. Up until then, Dean had been the only person who could stand looking Castiel in eye for a longer period of time. Most other people seemed to find his stare too intense and quickly looked away. That Monday, Dean had acted like everyone else and Castiel had known that it must have something to do with whatever he had done while he had been drunk. His sense of regret had grown into dread. He could think of only thing that had the power to make Dean that uncomfortable and that thing could ruin their friendship for ever.
Hoping to allay his fears, he had tried asking Meg about it during their first class of the day. She had only smiled that secretive smile that he hated and had told him to, “Figure it out yourself, lover boy!” The problem was that those two words, “lover boy”, had been enough for him to do just that. His worst fears had been confirmed. Somehow, he had let Dean know how he felt about him, either by simply telling him or by doing something much worse. And Dean, knowing about Castiel's feelings, could no longer bear to even look at him. The only secret that Castiel had ever kept from Dean had finally been revealed and just as Castiel had feared, it had cost him his best friend.
Dean had come up to him during lunch that day, obviously thinking that they needed to talk things through. It had broken Castiel's heart to see Dean's eyes flicker over everything but Castiel's face, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and his feet shuffling awkwardly. Dean was never nervous. Obviously, whatever he had to say must be really bad. Castiel had suspected that Dean felt bad about having to let Castiel down and breaking his heart. The thing was that Castiel had already known that Dean would never feel the same way about him. He didn't need to hear him say it. In a desperate attempt at damage control, he had interrupted Dean before he could even start speaking and told him that it was okay. They didn't need to talk about it. It was probably best if they just forgot that it ever happened.
For a moment, Castiel had thought that there had been something like hurt or disappointment in Dean's eyes, but it had been gone so quickly that he was sure that he had imagined it. Dean had grinned at him and quickly agreed.
Castiel had dared to hope that that would be that, that they would really be able to forget about it and go back to normal again. Of course, his hope was in vain. Dean had still acted like his best friend, talking and laughing with him as he had always done, but Castiel could sense a distance between them. Dean didn't tell him everything like he had used to. He especially never brought up his love-life. Castiel suspected that it was in order to spare his feelings and he appreciated the sentiment, but it still left him feeling bereft. He didn't want Dean to have to censor himself around Castiel. He missed being the one who knew all of Dean's secrets.
Gradually, they had drifted apart even further, Castiel trying to protect himself from even more hurt and Dean obviously unable to feel truly comfortable around him. Castiel had even feared that they would lose touch completely after they graduated, a thought that had pained him almost more than he could bear. Fortunately, that had never happened. Instead, they had ended up going to the same university and sharing a room in the dormitory. Being that close to Dean physically, while still feeling that intangible, unbridgeable rift between them, was its own kind of suffering, but it was better than the alternative. So Castiel suppressed his feelings and pretended that he was over Dean, in the hopes that one day it would be true and then, their friendship could be repaired. Sadly, that day never seemed to come any closer.
~~~~~
He and Inias reached his door and Castiel took out his key. As it turned out, he didn't need to use it, however. When he pushed the handle, the door swung open, revealing that Dean had, in fact, stayed in that night. He was lying on his bed, reading his latest issue of Automobile Magazine. Hearing them come in, he looked up and his eyes widened at the sight of Inias. He almost looked scared. Castiel heard Inias inhale sharply behind him and frowned. He hadn't known that Dean and Inias knew each other. It seemed an unlikely acquaintance. He knew for a fact that they didn't share any classes and he couldn't imagine that they would move in the same circles. The only reason that Castiel knew Inias was because they were both majoring in International Law and had decided to meet a couple of times a week to study together. Somewhere along they way, they had become friends. But Inias had never once mentioned that he knew Dean.
A silence fell over the room as Dean and Inias stared at each other and Castiel looked between them. They both looked equally surprised, although it seemed that to Inias, it was a pleasant surprise, while it was obvious that Dean felt the opposite. He kept glancing behind Inias at the door, as if he was considering making a run for it. For some reason, his eyes kept flickering to Castiel and every time they did, he looked more and more desperate.
Inias was the first to break the silence. “Dean! You're Castiel's roommate? I had no idea. Small world, isn't it?”
Dean nodded. The corners of his lips twitched, as if he was trying to smile, but he soon gave up the attempt. Inias didn't seem to notice.
“I'm glad I ran into you,” he said. “I had hoped that you would call. That is why I gave you my number, after all. I was hoping we could go out again sometime. But I guess you've been busy. At least that's what Castiel tells me.”
He gave Castiel a meaningful grin, but Castiel barely noticed. He felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under his feet and he was having trouble breathing. All he could do was stare at Dean, who looked back steadily, but unhappily. The expression on his face was all the confirmation that Castiel needed. It was true. Dean had gone out with Inias and probably done more than that, judging by the coy tone of Inias' voice. He had slept with Inias. A man. Dean wasn't straight. He wasn't only interested in women as Castiel had thought. It wasn't the fact that Castiel was male that had made Dean reject him; it was the fact that he was Castiel.
Castiel couldn't take it. He mumbled something, an excuse maybe, and half stumbled, half ran out of the room. He ran through the corridor and down the stairs, not knowing where he was going, just knowing that he had to get away. It didn't matter where. He just needed somewhere private to process what he had just found out. Somewhere where Dean couldn't see him, where he could allow himself to fall apart and then pick up the pieces, without Dean knowing how deeply he had hurt him.
He had hoped that he'd been able to fool Dean into thinking that Castiel was really over him, but that hope had been dashed by the look in Dean's eyes while Inias had been talking. It was obvious that Dean knew that Castiel still loved him and that the knowledge of what he had done with Inias would crush him. That was why he hadn't told Castiel about his dates. Because as long as Castiel hadn't known that some of them were men, he had been able to blame the fact that Dean didn't want him on basic biology. Yet all along it had been because Castiel simply wasn't good enough for Dean.
Of course, he should have known. He knew Dean's type. Even if he'd always thought of it in relation to women, it was easy enough to apply to men, too. He knew Dean's type and he knew that he wasn't it. Castiel wasn't pretty. Admittedly, he had got a few compliments on his blue eyes and one guy had told him that he had the most lickable jaw, whatever that meant, but he had also seen himself in the mirror. He was by no means ugly, but he was nothing compared to Dean. He was confident, but he certainly wasn't outgoing. Dean had told him more than once that he was too quiet, too serious. Although he'd never said it in so many words, Castiel knew that Dean thought that he was rather boring. Interesting enough to be friends with, but not for anything more than that. Dean was so charismatic and vibrant. He would never be captured by someone as dull as Castiel. It didn't help that Castiel was at least as intelligent as Dean. Dean may have valued intelligence in his partners, but he was never going to fall for intelligence alone. So really, the fact that it wasn't just Castiel's gender that made him unattractive to Dean shouldn't come as such a shock. It still hurt, though.
~~~~~
Castiel reached the front door and pushed it open. The winter air was cool and crisp, and helped to clear his head somewhat. He stopped running and went to lean against the large tree that grew right outside the entrance instead. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree and focused on just breathing. He was being ridiculous. Nothing had changed. Dean had always been unattainable. He was no less so, now, just because he liked men as well as women. Castiel was just going to have redouble his efforts at getting over him. In a way, this could be a good a thing, since it felt like the final nail in the coffin. However hard he had tried to deny it and however stupid he had known that it was, there had always been a small part of Castiel that had fantasized that one day, Dean would look at him and see past his male body to the person within. Then Dean would finally love him back. There was no way that Castiel was going to be able to keep those fantasies now. And maybe, by letting them go, by losing all hope, he would finally be free to move on.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't realize his danger until it was too late. Those familiar steps were already too close for him run away again. Instead, he simply took a deep breath and kept his eyes closed. Maybe if he didn't have to look at Dean, didn't have to see his pity, he would be able to retain some small amount of his dignity.
“Cas?” Dean's voice was uncharacteristically hesitant, just as it had been that Monday back in senior year. Castiel wondered if he'd have to think of it as Dean's rejection voice from now on. He hoped not. That would probably imply that he'd have to hear it again.
“I'm fine, Dean,” he said. At least, his voice was steady. Thank heavens that he'd never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. “I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts. It came as something of a surprise.”
“That I'd slept with Inias?” Dean asked. He sounded confused. Castiel couldn't understand why. Surely, Dean must understand what it was that had upset him.
“No. That you'd slept with a man.”
Dean didn't reply. In fact, he remained silent so long that Castiel found himself forced to open his eyes, just to make sure that he was still there. He was and he was staring at Castiel with a strange mixture of incredulity and exasperation that Castiel couldn't understand.
“What?” Dean said finally. “You thought you'd be the only man for me, is that it? That you were the one exception? Newsflash, Cas. You may have been the first and you may still end up being the last, but you're far from the only one. Yeah, I like women. I like men, too. I thought you knew that.”
Castiel just stared at him. Dean's words made absolutely no sense at all.
“What do you mean I was the first?” he asked. His heart was pounding wildly, but he refused to get his hopes up. There was some misunderstanding here, he was sure of it. There was no way that Dean's words meant what he thought they meant. How could they, when Dean had made it abundantly clear in senior year that he wasn't interested in Castiel? When he had spent the last year and a half demonstrating clearly just how unwanted Castiel's interest was?
“Don't act stupid, Cas,” Dean scoffed. “You know exactly what I mean. Just because you want to pretend that it never happened, it doesn't change the fact that it did. I never brought it up, because that's what you wanted, but I never forgot either. How could I? It's the only time I ever got to kiss you, to have what I've always dreamed of, and it'll never happen again. Can you blame me for wanting to hold on to the memory? I know you think it's a bad one, but it isn't to me. Not at all. Well, except for how it ended. You could have let me down a bit more gently, you know.”
He gave a small smile, but it didn't reach his eyes, which were dark and miserable. Castiel's head was spinning. He knew that all the pieces were there, but he was having trouble putting the puzzle together. Everything that he had thought that he knew was apparently false. He had let his fears and his insecurities deceive him. Still, he had to be sure.
“Dean,” he said urgently. “Dean. You have to tell me exactly what happened that night. Dean, you have to tell me.”
Dean frowned. He looked ready to refuse, but something in Castiel's face made him hesitate. Castiel tried to convey with his eyes just how important his request was.
“We were drunk,” Dean said slowly. “That stupid game of Meg's. Victor said something about never having wanted to kiss a guy. I drank, of course. I was too drunk to realise that I was giving myself away. Especially since I couldn't stop looking at you. Then you drank, too, and you were staring right back at me. It was one of those looks, the ones that feel as if you can see right through me. I felt as though you knew exactly what I was thinking and you were thinking it, too. Like maybe it wasn't so hopeless, after all. So I decided to take a chance. After we stopped playing, I made you come with me out onto the balcony. Then I kissed you. At first, you kissed me back and you made this amazing little sound in the back of your throat. I'll never forget it. Seriously, Cas, it was the sexiest thing I've ever heard. I thought, 'this is it! This is finally it. He's mine! He wants me, too.'” Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. “But then you pushed me away, so hard that I almost fell over the railing, and you ran inside. I didn't see you for the rest of the night, even though I looked for you. Meg said you'd gone home. I was going to talk to you at school that Monday, but I was so nervous. I could barely look at you. I was so afraid that it had just been the alcohol that had made you kiss me back. And I guess I was right, because before I could even say anything to you, before I could tell you how I felt, you told me that we should just forget it. I agreed, because I was afraid of losing you completely. I've been trying to keep my distance ever since. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or remind you of that night. I didn't want you to feel disgusted with me.”
He gave a tiny, self-deprecating shrug as he finished. Castiel couldn't speak. He remembered now. He remembered the way that Dean had looked him and the sense of elation that he had felt. He remembered following Dean out onto his balcony, with his heart alternately trying to pound it's way out of his chest and performing all sorts of acrobatics. Just like now, he had felt light-headed and not just from the alcohol. His legs had barely carried him and his stomach had been filled not just with butterflies, but with tiny hummingbirds as well, fluttering their wings madly.
Then Dean had kissed him and it had been as if all of his dreams had come true. Dean's lips had been so soft, yet his kiss had been firm, demanding. Castiel had given in to it willingly. That noise that Dean had mentioned had been something between a whimper and a moan that Castiel had been unable to hold back. Their fingers had tangled in each other's hair and their hands had moved all over each other's backs. Castiel would have happily stayed there forever, if it hadn't all become too much for his inebriated body and the hummingbirds hadn't decided to make a break for it. He'd had to push away from Dean, for fear of ruining the moment in a far more humiliating, not to mention disgusting, manner. He'd locked himself in the bathroom for he didn't know how long and when he'd finally emerged, everyone had left, except Meg and Crowley, who lived there.
What an idiot he had been! So blind and so stupid! To think that just because he had been too much of a coward to let Dean speak his mind, he had made them both miserable and deprived himself of what could have been the best year and a half of his life. He could only hope that it wasn't too late.
“I'm sorry,” he said, and he didn't think he'd ever meant it more. “Please believe me when I tell you that it wasn't what it seemed. I wasn't trying to reject you.”
Dean frowned, looking wary, but attentive. Castiel could relate. He'd just gone through the same thing.
“I couldn't remember,” he confessed. “I was so drunk that night. When I woke up, I had no idea what had happened. I was afraid that I had done something to you to make you uncomfortable. That's why I didn't hear you out. I was afraid that you were going to tell me to stay away from you, that you didn't want to be my friend any more.”
Dean's frown had been replaced by a look of bewilderment and a sort of tentative hope. “So why did you run away from me?” he asked.
Castiel made a face. Talk about ruining the mood. “I had to vomit,” he confessed. “I didn't want to do it all over you.”
Dean blinked. He stared. Then the corners of his lips began twitching. Finally, he threw his head back and laughed. “Seriously?” he gasped. “Oh, god! Cas! You had to... Jesus!”
Castiel felt his own lips twitch slightly. He didn't really see the humor in it, but he was glad that Dean did. It had certainly gone a long way to easing the tension between them. Dean continued to chuckle for a few moments longer before he was finally able to stop. He and Castiel just stared into each other's eyes in a way that they hadn't done for a year and a half. Dean was smiling so softly and so affectionately that even Castiel couldn't mistake it for anything other than what it was. He was sure his own love was written just as plainly on his own face.
“So,” Dean said. “Does this mean...?”
“Yes,” Castiel said. He didn't need to hear the end of the sentence to know that the answer was yes. From now on, the answer would always be yes.
“Still with the interruptions,” Dean teased, taking a step closer. “Haven't you learned anything from all this?”
Castiel made a grimace. He supposed Dean was right. “Fine,” he said. “What were you going to say?”
Dean grinned, taking another step forward, which brought him right into Castiel's personal space. Not that Castiel minded. “I was just going to ask if this means that I get to kiss you again.”
Castiel pretended to think this over for a second. Then his face split into a smile. “Whenever you want to,” he replied.
Dean's hands had come to rest on Castiel's shoulders. “And you won't run away this time?” he asked, speaking in a low voice almost against Castiel's jaw.
“No running away,” Castiel promised.
“Good. And you're not feeling any need to... you know?” He made a gagging sound.
Castiel rolled his eyes. “No, Dean.”
“Good,” Dean repeated, his lips brushing against Castiel's.
Castiel closed his eyes and closed the final distance between them, pressing his mouth to Dean's. This time it was Dean who made that indistinct noise and Castiel had to agree. It really was the sexiest sound ever. He couldn't resist sighing against Dean's lips, which Dean used as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. Their tongues slid together as their entire bodies pressed against each other, separated only by their too thin clothes. Castiel knew that they would have to go inside soon before they both started freezing, but he refused to break the kiss. He had wanted it for too long for it to be over already. It didn't matter that he knew that there would be many more. He was going to make sure that each one of them lasted.Besides, he felt too warm in Dean's arms to be bothered by the cold.
Dean's hands were travelling over his upper body, stirring heat wherever they touched. Castiel's own hands were caressing Dean's neck and shoulders, holding him close and reassuring him that Dean was really there and not just another fantasy. He lost track of time and would have been happy to stay there forever. It was only when he felt Dean's hands steadily travel lower on his back that he broke the kiss. Dean groaned in protest and tried to pull him back in, but Castiel didn't let him.
“I think maybe we should finish this upstairs,” he said, raising an eyebrow meaningfully.
It seemed to take Dean a moment to gather his wits enough to understand what Castiel was suggesting, but when he did, his eyes lit up. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, right! Yes. Upstairs.”
He grabbed Castiel's hand and started dragging him laughing through the door and up the stairs. They didn't move as quickly as they could have, since they both insisted on stopping every few steps to steal another kiss. When they finally reached their door, they were both breathless and aching. Their minds were too addled by the loss of all the blood that had relocated south to remember why their door was still unlocked. It was only the sound of an awkward cough coming from the direction of Castiel's desk that made them realise that they were not alone. They broke apart again and looked in that direction. Inias was sitting on Castiel's chair, his eyes wide and his face flushed. He looked torn between shock, disappointment and amusement.
“I guess this means that there won't be another date, after all,” he said to Dean.
Dean looked slightly guilty, but his arms didn't loosen around Castiel.
“I'm sorry, Inias,” Castiel said. He almost meant it. Inias was a good friend and there were probably better ways to let him know that the man that he had been pining over belonged to Castiel now. Still, Inias had had Dean first and the memory of the pain that it had caused Castiel was still too fresh for him to feel as guilty as he probably should have. Besides, some childish part of him pointed out, he had known Dean first.
Fortunately, Inias took it all remarkably well. He merely shrugged and said, “Don't worry about it. The way you've been mooning over him, I guess you deserve him. Maybe now you won't look like a kicked puppy as soon as someone even mentions his existence. Although I'm guessing this means that we'll have to reschedule our study dates for another night. I've a feeling you'll be busy on Fridays from now on.”
“Damn straight he will,” Dean more or less growled.
Inias smiled and rose from the chair. “I'll see you in class, Castiel,” he said. “Dean.” He gave him a nod, then he left the room.
Castiel watched him close the door before turning back to Dean. Dean was leering at him. “You've been mooning over me?” he asked, sounding smug.
Castiel just rolled his eyes. He placed his hands against Dean's chest and pushed him down onto the bed before following him down and straddling him. “Now,” he said as he began peeling off Dean's clothes, “let's see if we can't make some new memories. And this time, let's make sure they last.”
Pairings/Characters: Dean/Castiel, past Dean/Inias
Genre: college!AU, human Castiel
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4950
Summary: Sometimes things aren't what they seem.
Author's Notes: Written as a gift to c00kie for the 2012 Dean/Cas Secret Santa Exchange.
The prompt I used was, After Dean's rejection in high school, Castiel vowed never to think about him again. But now he's in college and is stuck being roommates with the same guy who broke his heart.
Also @AO3.
Bad Memory
“Are you sure this is okay?” Inias asked as he followed Castiel up the stairs to his room. “Won't your roommate mind?”
At the mention of his roommate, Castiel felt his chest tighten, but as always, he ignored it. He was used to the strange combination of pain and pleasure that he felt whenever he thought of his friend. It had been a long time, however, since he had allowed himself to become aware of it. Nothing good could come out of dwelling on it and it had done enough damage, already.
“I'm sure,” he told Inias. “It is unlikely that Dean will even be there. He always has a date on Friday nights.”
Dean's weekly dates were the reason why Castiel always went out on Friday nights as well. Watching Dean get ready and make himself even more attractive than he always was - which really shouldn't have been possible - was nothing less than torture. Castiel had endured it during the first few weeks that they'd lived together, but he wasn't masochistic enough to put himself through it for long. He had hated sitting on his bed, pretending to read, but really just trying to imagine who it was that Dean was going out to meet. She was pretty, he knew that much. Dean wasn't as shallow as he sometimes appeared, but with his looks and his charm, he could afford to be choosy. She would have to be confident and outgoing. Dean wasn't into shy girls; he said that they always made him do all the work. She was probably intelligent, too. Some people made the mistake of thinking that Dean wasn't clever. They couldn't be further from truth. He wasn't bookish, that was all. Dean enjoyed good conversation as much as anyone else and if the girl didn't challenge him intellectually, he wouldn't put up with her for long. Beyond that, it was anyone's guess. Not that it was important. All that mattered was that she wasn't male and she certainly wasn't Castiel.
“I see,” Inias said. “Does he have a girlfriend?”
Castiel didn't reply immediately. The suspicion had crossed his mind, but he always forced himself to ignore it. Dean with a girlfriend, in a committed relationship, was not something that he was willing to contemplate.
“I don't know,” he said, finally. “He hasn't said. He never tells me about his dates.”
Castiel knew that he should be grateful about that. It wasn't like he wanted to hear about Dean's love-life. Just imagining it was painful enough. He certainly didn't need the details to make him even more miserable. The problem was that there had been a time when Dean had told him about his dates. Dean had told him about everything, even things that no one else knew. He had trusted Castiel implicitly, because he had known that Castiel would never betray him. But that had been before. Before that disastrous Saturday night during their senior year, when Castiel had made the biggest mistake of his life.
~~~~~
He didn't remember it. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, he wasn't sure. He'd woken up the following morning with a head that had ached so badly that he had almost wished that it would explode and end his misery, a stomach that had been doing its very best to escape through his gullet and with several hours missing from his memory. The last thing that he had remembered was Meg's evil grin as she had suggested a game of 'Never have I ever', followed by a round of deceptively innocent questions, the sole purpose of which had obviously been to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. The next morning, Castiel had felt a vague sense of regret, as if he had done something horrendously stupid after that, but since he had had no idea what it could be, he hadn't paid it any attention.
Exactly how unspeakably stupid he had been had not become clear to him, until he had arrived at school the following Monday. On his way to his first class, he had met Dean in the hallway, but Dean had barely looked at him. It had been as if Dean couldn't bring himself to meet Castiel's gaze. That was unusual. Up until then, Dean had been the only person who could stand looking Castiel in eye for a longer period of time. Most other people seemed to find his stare too intense and quickly looked away. That Monday, Dean had acted like everyone else and Castiel had known that it must have something to do with whatever he had done while he had been drunk. His sense of regret had grown into dread. He could think of only thing that had the power to make Dean that uncomfortable and that thing could ruin their friendship for ever.
Hoping to allay his fears, he had tried asking Meg about it during their first class of the day. She had only smiled that secretive smile that he hated and had told him to, “Figure it out yourself, lover boy!” The problem was that those two words, “lover boy”, had been enough for him to do just that. His worst fears had been confirmed. Somehow, he had let Dean know how he felt about him, either by simply telling him or by doing something much worse. And Dean, knowing about Castiel's feelings, could no longer bear to even look at him. The only secret that Castiel had ever kept from Dean had finally been revealed and just as Castiel had feared, it had cost him his best friend.
Dean had come up to him during lunch that day, obviously thinking that they needed to talk things through. It had broken Castiel's heart to see Dean's eyes flicker over everything but Castiel's face, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and his feet shuffling awkwardly. Dean was never nervous. Obviously, whatever he had to say must be really bad. Castiel had suspected that Dean felt bad about having to let Castiel down and breaking his heart. The thing was that Castiel had already known that Dean would never feel the same way about him. He didn't need to hear him say it. In a desperate attempt at damage control, he had interrupted Dean before he could even start speaking and told him that it was okay. They didn't need to talk about it. It was probably best if they just forgot that it ever happened.
For a moment, Castiel had thought that there had been something like hurt or disappointment in Dean's eyes, but it had been gone so quickly that he was sure that he had imagined it. Dean had grinned at him and quickly agreed.
Castiel had dared to hope that that would be that, that they would really be able to forget about it and go back to normal again. Of course, his hope was in vain. Dean had still acted like his best friend, talking and laughing with him as he had always done, but Castiel could sense a distance between them. Dean didn't tell him everything like he had used to. He especially never brought up his love-life. Castiel suspected that it was in order to spare his feelings and he appreciated the sentiment, but it still left him feeling bereft. He didn't want Dean to have to censor himself around Castiel. He missed being the one who knew all of Dean's secrets.
Gradually, they had drifted apart even further, Castiel trying to protect himself from even more hurt and Dean obviously unable to feel truly comfortable around him. Castiel had even feared that they would lose touch completely after they graduated, a thought that had pained him almost more than he could bear. Fortunately, that had never happened. Instead, they had ended up going to the same university and sharing a room in the dormitory. Being that close to Dean physically, while still feeling that intangible, unbridgeable rift between them, was its own kind of suffering, but it was better than the alternative. So Castiel suppressed his feelings and pretended that he was over Dean, in the hopes that one day it would be true and then, their friendship could be repaired. Sadly, that day never seemed to come any closer.
~~~~~
He and Inias reached his door and Castiel took out his key. As it turned out, he didn't need to use it, however. When he pushed the handle, the door swung open, revealing that Dean had, in fact, stayed in that night. He was lying on his bed, reading his latest issue of Automobile Magazine. Hearing them come in, he looked up and his eyes widened at the sight of Inias. He almost looked scared. Castiel heard Inias inhale sharply behind him and frowned. He hadn't known that Dean and Inias knew each other. It seemed an unlikely acquaintance. He knew for a fact that they didn't share any classes and he couldn't imagine that they would move in the same circles. The only reason that Castiel knew Inias was because they were both majoring in International Law and had decided to meet a couple of times a week to study together. Somewhere along they way, they had become friends. But Inias had never once mentioned that he knew Dean.
A silence fell over the room as Dean and Inias stared at each other and Castiel looked between them. They both looked equally surprised, although it seemed that to Inias, it was a pleasant surprise, while it was obvious that Dean felt the opposite. He kept glancing behind Inias at the door, as if he was considering making a run for it. For some reason, his eyes kept flickering to Castiel and every time they did, he looked more and more desperate.
Inias was the first to break the silence. “Dean! You're Castiel's roommate? I had no idea. Small world, isn't it?”
Dean nodded. The corners of his lips twitched, as if he was trying to smile, but he soon gave up the attempt. Inias didn't seem to notice.
“I'm glad I ran into you,” he said. “I had hoped that you would call. That is why I gave you my number, after all. I was hoping we could go out again sometime. But I guess you've been busy. At least that's what Castiel tells me.”
He gave Castiel a meaningful grin, but Castiel barely noticed. He felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under his feet and he was having trouble breathing. All he could do was stare at Dean, who looked back steadily, but unhappily. The expression on his face was all the confirmation that Castiel needed. It was true. Dean had gone out with Inias and probably done more than that, judging by the coy tone of Inias' voice. He had slept with Inias. A man. Dean wasn't straight. He wasn't only interested in women as Castiel had thought. It wasn't the fact that Castiel was male that had made Dean reject him; it was the fact that he was Castiel.
Castiel couldn't take it. He mumbled something, an excuse maybe, and half stumbled, half ran out of the room. He ran through the corridor and down the stairs, not knowing where he was going, just knowing that he had to get away. It didn't matter where. He just needed somewhere private to process what he had just found out. Somewhere where Dean couldn't see him, where he could allow himself to fall apart and then pick up the pieces, without Dean knowing how deeply he had hurt him.
He had hoped that he'd been able to fool Dean into thinking that Castiel was really over him, but that hope had been dashed by the look in Dean's eyes while Inias had been talking. It was obvious that Dean knew that Castiel still loved him and that the knowledge of what he had done with Inias would crush him. That was why he hadn't told Castiel about his dates. Because as long as Castiel hadn't known that some of them were men, he had been able to blame the fact that Dean didn't want him on basic biology. Yet all along it had been because Castiel simply wasn't good enough for Dean.
Of course, he should have known. He knew Dean's type. Even if he'd always thought of it in relation to women, it was easy enough to apply to men, too. He knew Dean's type and he knew that he wasn't it. Castiel wasn't pretty. Admittedly, he had got a few compliments on his blue eyes and one guy had told him that he had the most lickable jaw, whatever that meant, but he had also seen himself in the mirror. He was by no means ugly, but he was nothing compared to Dean. He was confident, but he certainly wasn't outgoing. Dean had told him more than once that he was too quiet, too serious. Although he'd never said it in so many words, Castiel knew that Dean thought that he was rather boring. Interesting enough to be friends with, but not for anything more than that. Dean was so charismatic and vibrant. He would never be captured by someone as dull as Castiel. It didn't help that Castiel was at least as intelligent as Dean. Dean may have valued intelligence in his partners, but he was never going to fall for intelligence alone. So really, the fact that it wasn't just Castiel's gender that made him unattractive to Dean shouldn't come as such a shock. It still hurt, though.
~~~~~
Castiel reached the front door and pushed it open. The winter air was cool and crisp, and helped to clear his head somewhat. He stopped running and went to lean against the large tree that grew right outside the entrance instead. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree and focused on just breathing. He was being ridiculous. Nothing had changed. Dean had always been unattainable. He was no less so, now, just because he liked men as well as women. Castiel was just going to have redouble his efforts at getting over him. In a way, this could be a good a thing, since it felt like the final nail in the coffin. However hard he had tried to deny it and however stupid he had known that it was, there had always been a small part of Castiel that had fantasized that one day, Dean would look at him and see past his male body to the person within. Then Dean would finally love him back. There was no way that Castiel was going to be able to keep those fantasies now. And maybe, by letting them go, by losing all hope, he would finally be free to move on.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't realize his danger until it was too late. Those familiar steps were already too close for him run away again. Instead, he simply took a deep breath and kept his eyes closed. Maybe if he didn't have to look at Dean, didn't have to see his pity, he would be able to retain some small amount of his dignity.
“Cas?” Dean's voice was uncharacteristically hesitant, just as it had been that Monday back in senior year. Castiel wondered if he'd have to think of it as Dean's rejection voice from now on. He hoped not. That would probably imply that he'd have to hear it again.
“I'm fine, Dean,” he said. At least, his voice was steady. Thank heavens that he'd never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. “I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts. It came as something of a surprise.”
“That I'd slept with Inias?” Dean asked. He sounded confused. Castiel couldn't understand why. Surely, Dean must understand what it was that had upset him.
“No. That you'd slept with a man.”
Dean didn't reply. In fact, he remained silent so long that Castiel found himself forced to open his eyes, just to make sure that he was still there. He was and he was staring at Castiel with a strange mixture of incredulity and exasperation that Castiel couldn't understand.
“What?” Dean said finally. “You thought you'd be the only man for me, is that it? That you were the one exception? Newsflash, Cas. You may have been the first and you may still end up being the last, but you're far from the only one. Yeah, I like women. I like men, too. I thought you knew that.”
Castiel just stared at him. Dean's words made absolutely no sense at all.
“What do you mean I was the first?” he asked. His heart was pounding wildly, but he refused to get his hopes up. There was some misunderstanding here, he was sure of it. There was no way that Dean's words meant what he thought they meant. How could they, when Dean had made it abundantly clear in senior year that he wasn't interested in Castiel? When he had spent the last year and a half demonstrating clearly just how unwanted Castiel's interest was?
“Don't act stupid, Cas,” Dean scoffed. “You know exactly what I mean. Just because you want to pretend that it never happened, it doesn't change the fact that it did. I never brought it up, because that's what you wanted, but I never forgot either. How could I? It's the only time I ever got to kiss you, to have what I've always dreamed of, and it'll never happen again. Can you blame me for wanting to hold on to the memory? I know you think it's a bad one, but it isn't to me. Not at all. Well, except for how it ended. You could have let me down a bit more gently, you know.”
He gave a small smile, but it didn't reach his eyes, which were dark and miserable. Castiel's head was spinning. He knew that all the pieces were there, but he was having trouble putting the puzzle together. Everything that he had thought that he knew was apparently false. He had let his fears and his insecurities deceive him. Still, he had to be sure.
“Dean,” he said urgently. “Dean. You have to tell me exactly what happened that night. Dean, you have to tell me.”
Dean frowned. He looked ready to refuse, but something in Castiel's face made him hesitate. Castiel tried to convey with his eyes just how important his request was.
“We were drunk,” Dean said slowly. “That stupid game of Meg's. Victor said something about never having wanted to kiss a guy. I drank, of course. I was too drunk to realise that I was giving myself away. Especially since I couldn't stop looking at you. Then you drank, too, and you were staring right back at me. It was one of those looks, the ones that feel as if you can see right through me. I felt as though you knew exactly what I was thinking and you were thinking it, too. Like maybe it wasn't so hopeless, after all. So I decided to take a chance. After we stopped playing, I made you come with me out onto the balcony. Then I kissed you. At first, you kissed me back and you made this amazing little sound in the back of your throat. I'll never forget it. Seriously, Cas, it was the sexiest thing I've ever heard. I thought, 'this is it! This is finally it. He's mine! He wants me, too.'” Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. “But then you pushed me away, so hard that I almost fell over the railing, and you ran inside. I didn't see you for the rest of the night, even though I looked for you. Meg said you'd gone home. I was going to talk to you at school that Monday, but I was so nervous. I could barely look at you. I was so afraid that it had just been the alcohol that had made you kiss me back. And I guess I was right, because before I could even say anything to you, before I could tell you how I felt, you told me that we should just forget it. I agreed, because I was afraid of losing you completely. I've been trying to keep my distance ever since. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or remind you of that night. I didn't want you to feel disgusted with me.”
He gave a tiny, self-deprecating shrug as he finished. Castiel couldn't speak. He remembered now. He remembered the way that Dean had looked him and the sense of elation that he had felt. He remembered following Dean out onto his balcony, with his heart alternately trying to pound it's way out of his chest and performing all sorts of acrobatics. Just like now, he had felt light-headed and not just from the alcohol. His legs had barely carried him and his stomach had been filled not just with butterflies, but with tiny hummingbirds as well, fluttering their wings madly.
Then Dean had kissed him and it had been as if all of his dreams had come true. Dean's lips had been so soft, yet his kiss had been firm, demanding. Castiel had given in to it willingly. That noise that Dean had mentioned had been something between a whimper and a moan that Castiel had been unable to hold back. Their fingers had tangled in each other's hair and their hands had moved all over each other's backs. Castiel would have happily stayed there forever, if it hadn't all become too much for his inebriated body and the hummingbirds hadn't decided to make a break for it. He'd had to push away from Dean, for fear of ruining the moment in a far more humiliating, not to mention disgusting, manner. He'd locked himself in the bathroom for he didn't know how long and when he'd finally emerged, everyone had left, except Meg and Crowley, who lived there.
What an idiot he had been! So blind and so stupid! To think that just because he had been too much of a coward to let Dean speak his mind, he had made them both miserable and deprived himself of what could have been the best year and a half of his life. He could only hope that it wasn't too late.
“I'm sorry,” he said, and he didn't think he'd ever meant it more. “Please believe me when I tell you that it wasn't what it seemed. I wasn't trying to reject you.”
Dean frowned, looking wary, but attentive. Castiel could relate. He'd just gone through the same thing.
“I couldn't remember,” he confessed. “I was so drunk that night. When I woke up, I had no idea what had happened. I was afraid that I had done something to you to make you uncomfortable. That's why I didn't hear you out. I was afraid that you were going to tell me to stay away from you, that you didn't want to be my friend any more.”
Dean's frown had been replaced by a look of bewilderment and a sort of tentative hope. “So why did you run away from me?” he asked.
Castiel made a face. Talk about ruining the mood. “I had to vomit,” he confessed. “I didn't want to do it all over you.”
Dean blinked. He stared. Then the corners of his lips began twitching. Finally, he threw his head back and laughed. “Seriously?” he gasped. “Oh, god! Cas! You had to... Jesus!”
Castiel felt his own lips twitch slightly. He didn't really see the humor in it, but he was glad that Dean did. It had certainly gone a long way to easing the tension between them. Dean continued to chuckle for a few moments longer before he was finally able to stop. He and Castiel just stared into each other's eyes in a way that they hadn't done for a year and a half. Dean was smiling so softly and so affectionately that even Castiel couldn't mistake it for anything other than what it was. He was sure his own love was written just as plainly on his own face.
“So,” Dean said. “Does this mean...?”
“Yes,” Castiel said. He didn't need to hear the end of the sentence to know that the answer was yes. From now on, the answer would always be yes.
“Still with the interruptions,” Dean teased, taking a step closer. “Haven't you learned anything from all this?”
Castiel made a grimace. He supposed Dean was right. “Fine,” he said. “What were you going to say?”
Dean grinned, taking another step forward, which brought him right into Castiel's personal space. Not that Castiel minded. “I was just going to ask if this means that I get to kiss you again.”
Castiel pretended to think this over for a second. Then his face split into a smile. “Whenever you want to,” he replied.
Dean's hands had come to rest on Castiel's shoulders. “And you won't run away this time?” he asked, speaking in a low voice almost against Castiel's jaw.
“No running away,” Castiel promised.
“Good. And you're not feeling any need to... you know?” He made a gagging sound.
Castiel rolled his eyes. “No, Dean.”
“Good,” Dean repeated, his lips brushing against Castiel's.
Castiel closed his eyes and closed the final distance between them, pressing his mouth to Dean's. This time it was Dean who made that indistinct noise and Castiel had to agree. It really was the sexiest sound ever. He couldn't resist sighing against Dean's lips, which Dean used as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. Their tongues slid together as their entire bodies pressed against each other, separated only by their too thin clothes. Castiel knew that they would have to go inside soon before they both started freezing, but he refused to break the kiss. He had wanted it for too long for it to be over already. It didn't matter that he knew that there would be many more. He was going to make sure that each one of them lasted.Besides, he felt too warm in Dean's arms to be bothered by the cold.
Dean's hands were travelling over his upper body, stirring heat wherever they touched. Castiel's own hands were caressing Dean's neck and shoulders, holding him close and reassuring him that Dean was really there and not just another fantasy. He lost track of time and would have been happy to stay there forever. It was only when he felt Dean's hands steadily travel lower on his back that he broke the kiss. Dean groaned in protest and tried to pull him back in, but Castiel didn't let him.
“I think maybe we should finish this upstairs,” he said, raising an eyebrow meaningfully.
It seemed to take Dean a moment to gather his wits enough to understand what Castiel was suggesting, but when he did, his eyes lit up. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, right! Yes. Upstairs.”
He grabbed Castiel's hand and started dragging him laughing through the door and up the stairs. They didn't move as quickly as they could have, since they both insisted on stopping every few steps to steal another kiss. When they finally reached their door, they were both breathless and aching. Their minds were too addled by the loss of all the blood that had relocated south to remember why their door was still unlocked. It was only the sound of an awkward cough coming from the direction of Castiel's desk that made them realise that they were not alone. They broke apart again and looked in that direction. Inias was sitting on Castiel's chair, his eyes wide and his face flushed. He looked torn between shock, disappointment and amusement.
“I guess this means that there won't be another date, after all,” he said to Dean.
Dean looked slightly guilty, but his arms didn't loosen around Castiel.
“I'm sorry, Inias,” Castiel said. He almost meant it. Inias was a good friend and there were probably better ways to let him know that the man that he had been pining over belonged to Castiel now. Still, Inias had had Dean first and the memory of the pain that it had caused Castiel was still too fresh for him to feel as guilty as he probably should have. Besides, some childish part of him pointed out, he had known Dean first.
Fortunately, Inias took it all remarkably well. He merely shrugged and said, “Don't worry about it. The way you've been mooning over him, I guess you deserve him. Maybe now you won't look like a kicked puppy as soon as someone even mentions his existence. Although I'm guessing this means that we'll have to reschedule our study dates for another night. I've a feeling you'll be busy on Fridays from now on.”
“Damn straight he will,” Dean more or less growled.
Inias smiled and rose from the chair. “I'll see you in class, Castiel,” he said. “Dean.” He gave him a nod, then he left the room.
Castiel watched him close the door before turning back to Dean. Dean was leering at him. “You've been mooning over me?” he asked, sounding smug.
Castiel just rolled his eyes. He placed his hands against Dean's chest and pushed him down onto the bed before following him down and straddling him. “Now,” he said as he began peeling off Dean's clothes, “let's see if we can't make some new memories. And this time, let's make sure they last.”