What the...?
I'm spiralling out of control. I need to regain my balance, my motivation, my routine. But I just tend to keep failing at the moment.
I've been binging pretty much every night this week - and I *never* binge, usually. I think it has to do with summer starting, with it being show season and all, and having daylight until 8.30pm I've pretty much tripled my physical activity. On my usual diet, I can't maintain that activity level, which i something I realised earlier this week. I got home, went to sit and have a coffee an cigarette before going out to work two horses, run the dog up the hill, and shovel horsepoos for an hour or so. And I couldn't get back up. I just had no energy, couldn't face moving, it felt like there was no energy left to even breathe. Then I got hungry. Really hungry. And I ate. Down went a whole array of food, and afterwards I felt sick. I forced myself to continue with my activity routine to at least burn off part of what I'd just ingested, then came home and ate more. The next few days were pretty much the same. Yesterday, I took $2 out of the work piggy bank (we just randomly put lose change in there for no particular reason or purpose) to buy a ginger slice from the bakery. I felt ashamed. I have NEVER stolen anything before, and stealing money for food felt even worse.
I need to eat more to maintain my energy levels, after all, my horses and my dog are what I live for, what makes me happy - but I don't know how to do it. How the hell can I increase my intake without setting myself up for binges?
I am terrified I'm going to gain. Today hasn't been too bad, but I've just been so freaked out about going off gutsing everything in sight that even eating my 'safe' foods makes me feel like shit. I really want to purge but I've been down that road and am terrified of going there again.
I've been binging pretty much every night this week - and I *never* binge, usually. I think it has to do with summer starting, with it being show season and all, and having daylight until 8.30pm I've pretty much tripled my physical activity. On my usual diet, I can't maintain that activity level, which i something I realised earlier this week. I got home, went to sit and have a coffee an cigarette before going out to work two horses, run the dog up the hill, and shovel horsepoos for an hour or so. And I couldn't get back up. I just had no energy, couldn't face moving, it felt like there was no energy left to even breathe. Then I got hungry. Really hungry. And I ate. Down went a whole array of food, and afterwards I felt sick. I forced myself to continue with my activity routine to at least burn off part of what I'd just ingested, then came home and ate more. The next few days were pretty much the same. Yesterday, I took $2 out of the work piggy bank (we just randomly put lose change in there for no particular reason or purpose) to buy a ginger slice from the bakery. I felt ashamed. I have NEVER stolen anything before, and stealing money for food felt even worse.
I need to eat more to maintain my energy levels, after all, my horses and my dog are what I live for, what makes me happy - but I don't know how to do it. How the hell can I increase my intake without setting myself up for binges?
I am terrified I'm going to gain. Today hasn't been too bad, but I've just been so freaked out about going off gutsing everything in sight that even eating my 'safe' foods makes me feel like shit. I really want to purge but I've been down that road and am terrified of going there again.