(no subject)
13/07/05
This is gonna go under the cut coz it is waaaaaaay too big. If you would like to read the finished product, go here See Through Smile
No one knew of our relationship when you were admitted to the hospital for the last time. It felt strange keeping secrets from the people I loved most. But it seemed I loved you more.
As I sat in the waiting room, sipping my 3rd coffee for the night, your brother rubbed my back and told me everything would be ok. He never lied. But this time I didn’t believe him.
The day you were diagnosed was when it started. I thought it strange to have your number flashing on my caller id that late afternoon in august. But I answered it anyway, thinking it had to be my fiancée who had forgotten his phone or something else just as ordinary. But it was you.
Your voice was grave and full of thought as you asked me if I could do you a favour. I agreed straight away; your approval and friendship was something I had always secretly longed for. So I listened carefully and wondered why you would be at Tulsa Memorial Hospital, but figured, since you told me not to worry, that it had to be something insignificant.
When I hung up from you I wasn’t sure what to think of this situation. Wouldn’t you have a million more people to call instead of me? Your wife? Your brothers? Anyone else in the entire world? Maybe everyone was busy. Maybe you had something you were hiding. Maybe you were secretly in love with me the way I was secretly in love with you, and we both never knew it. Needless to say I was intrigued as I started by late model Ford and drove towards the place you had told me to collect you from.
When I reached you your eyes were bloodshot and this made me nervous. Something had to be wrong. The last time I saw you cry was… well, I had never seen you cry. But my fiancé had told me about it. And he had always said it was only ever at times when the world had come crashing down around you. So what was this disaster that had fallen upon your shoulders?
I pulled up and yanked the handbrake on, leaning over to open the door and push it in your direction. You climbed in and shut it, locking in your seatbelt and placing you hands palm down on your thighs. Your built stature looked funny packed in to my two-door hatch back, and I gave you a see through smile. You’re face was solemn, like it was filled to the brim with contemplation, as you returned my gesture.
“Are you ok?” I asked, such a dim-witted question, since I had picked you up from a hospital, alone and glass-eyed.
You gave half a smile and nodded, running your palms up and down your thighs. You looked nervous, fragile even. But… you were never fragile. These occurrences confused me.
I took one last long stare at you before I shifted in to drive, and slid out of the car park easily, making my way towards your house. You didn’t talk for the whole ride home, but then again, neither did I. What had spiralled us in to such a state? We normally chatted, exchanged cheeky taunts with each other, and sometimes, we even hugged. But there was none of that today. The air was thick and you seemed far away as you stared out the passenger side window.
You turned to me in a hurry, we were on an empty side street and you asked me to pull over. I followed your request and as soon as we were stationary you flung open your door and threw up all over the pavement. Usually this would have caused me to be sick myself, but I was only scared. Something was really wrong; when you began crying again it didn’t take me long to figure that out. You were sick, and not just Mom-I-want-a-day-off-school sick; hospital sick.
You wiped your mouth and held your head in your hands. “I’m sorry.” Was all you said. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“It’s ok.” I whispered, reaching out to place a hand on your back. “Do you want to go back to my place?”
You looked at me with those sad eyes and nodded softly. “Here,” I grabbed a blanket from the back seat and covered you with it once you closed your door.
You smiled thankfully, “I understand now.”
I looked at you quizzically, and you answered; “Why he loves you so much.”
“Have you told him yet?” I was back within these stale white walls as Taylor’s wife took a seat next to me. She knew the answer but she always continued to ask me if I had informed your other brother of our exploits. I gave her the same reply I did every time, that you were sick, and I couldn’t say no… But I never told her that I loved you. She would be too worried about the man I was to marry, because he was her family too.
Do you remember the day she caught us? We were supposed to be babysitting and she came home early, only to find us in a less than flattering position. So why did she always hassle me about telling your brother? Why not you? Had she confronted you about it later, without me there? What had she said? More importantly, what had you said back?
“Do you ever ask him to tell them?” I asked, referring to your and my other halves.
She looked at me in such a peculiar way that I wasn’t sure if I had spoken English. Her eyes wandered while her forehead crinkled in thought, “Once.”
She seemed suspended in time for a moment, “But he told me that he had found something in you, something that he needed to keep with him until it was time... As much as I love this family, and the people who are tied to it, I had to keep his secret… Because you give him something to live for.” She held tears in her eyes as she turned back to face me, “And how do I take that away?”
We were lying on my bed watching my crappy television when you turned to me and asked me why I hadn’t asked you a single question about anything that had happened today. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just said what most people do, “Because you’ll tell me when you want to.”
“It’s not because you don’t care?” You had to have known that was a stupid question. Of course I cared. Granted, when I met you I thought you were the typical clichéd rock star with the ego of Madonna and most definitely a penis the size of a Frankfurt.
But then I got to know you. And I realised why time stops when you walk in to a room, why everyone’s eyes seem drawn to you. You are this entity and people want only to be in your presence.
“You’re nearly my brother in law. Of course I care about you.” You gave me a strange look and turned back to the TV. I was still expecting you to tell me what was wrong, but when you didn’t I just sighed and flopped down next to you cradling my chin in my hands. You nudged me with your shoulder and I poked my tongue out at you, pushing you back.
Watching me from the corner of your eye you made shivers slide up and down my spine. Then you spoke, “Do you think you can love two people at the same time for completely different reasons?”
I looked at you, confused. “I guess.” I was too naïve to think you could have been even remotely giving me a hint. You? Love me? Never. I glanced back at you again, a slight rise in my eyebrow as a funny smile played on my lips, “You’re kinda weird.”
You stared at me. And the shivers came back. You always manage to look right through people. Today was no exception. “I have cancer.”
Who speaks that way? Who ever just comes out and says things that they know will have such an enormous effect on people? But that was always you. Up-front, honest, even to a fault.
And so there it was. Right out in front of me. Yet I couldn’t grasp it.
Suddenly the world came to a stand still.
You laughed. How could you be laughing? Was this a joke? I didn’t understand.
“The doctor says I only have a couple of months, a year at most. Christmas, if I’m lucky.”
I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t comprehend what was happening. How could I look at the future and not see you in it? How could the world just go on without you there? How could there be a day when I woke up and you were just… gone?
She walked in. Your wife, that is. And my eyes couldn’t bear to look at her. She loved you. As much speculation about it as there was, I knew she did. She was that one of a kind girl, but that’s why you married her.
“Sara,” She whispered as she wrapped me in her arms. I held my breath and looked away once she had released me. I hadn’t been able to meet her eyes for weeks now, in fear that she would know; that the truth would be written in my every look.
She took a shaky breath and looked to her sister in law, “Where is he?” She asked, preparing herself for the worst.
Sometimes I was jealous of her, you know. She was allowed to show her worry and fragility so openly. I could do neither; I was only ever the concerned fiancé of the patient’s brother. There would be no note on your file that confirmed I was here when you took your last breaths, there would be no paper work for me to sign on your behalf, I wasn’t entitled to see you, or be classified as immediate family. I was just an outsider, looking in.
Why didn’t you marry me?
“She’s everything I always wanted.” You seemed so elated, so happy to have found this girl to whom you were planning to propose to.
“I’m happy for you then, I really am.” Isaac looked like he’d just lost a limb, but was trying to be happy about it. I knew he still loved her, I knew how hard it was for him to see you with her. And now this? He must’ve thought you were trying to destroy him piece by piece.
“Thanks man.” You looked him in the eye, “That means a lot coming from you. Really.”
He glanced away, then back up at you, “Well, it’s the truth.”
But it wasn’t.
And as I watched from the kitchen I knew he was lying. Losing this girl to the one person he had to love forever? Losing this girl to you? It tore him apart inside. But you didn’t see that. Maybe you didn’t want to. Did it hurt if you thought about it? Did it make you think you were betraying him? Coz you were, you know. Even when they had broken up, even when he said it was over, even when there was no going back. It still hurt. Deep down where he hides the important things.
Deep down where he hides days like today.
I looked over at him, sitting up right in his chair, staring straight ahead. I wondered what was going through his mind, was he thinking that he could have her when you die?
Would she become the pretty bride and me the forever-grieving widow?
I watched him as his gaze focused on her, travelling her curves, smoothing her hair, brushing her nose, he took in every inch of her. Then he sighed. Did he wish he was you?
Catching my stare he stopped, he knew I had seen him. I just looked away. Today was not the day to have that conversation, though it was at that moment I decided I would return the gold band wrapped around my wedding finger.
“I wrote a song.” You swallowed, “And I want you to hear it.”
I sat, legs folded under me and waited eagerly. You said you had been waiting for the right moment to show me, and seeing as it was now a ritual that I would pick you up from the hospital after your check ups you had waited until today.
All of a sudden you began strumming your guitar,
“Well I just can't seem to pity
'Cause my heart's too numb to feel
And the smile does all the talking
Though the pain is all that's real
With the way that you keep screaming
I can hardly hear to think
And I feel the bridges burning
Underneath my feet…”
You stopped, “I’ve written more but it’s not really together yet.”
My voice caught in my throat as my eyes strung. You looked up at me, wondering why I was so quiet.
And that was when I realised. I was going to lose you, and there was nothing I could do about it.
So I kissed you. As hard as I could. It was my way of keeping you, because if I didn’t let go of you, you couldn’t leave.
“You can see him now.” The doctor emerged from nowhere. I rose from my seat, only to see Kate do the same thing. I caught myself in mid air and sat back down, hoping you would ask to see me next.
Everybody went in, one by one, and each time I felt my heart tear apart. Why wasn’t it my turn? Didn’t you want to see me? Had you forgotten about me? Now that you were face to face with this thing, did you want to fight it alone?
“I like that we have these times.” I lay by your side, curled up against you as you played with my hair.
“Me too,” I remember whispering. I was never very poetic.
“Whatever happens,” You paused, contemplating the ‘whatever’, “I want you by my side.”
“Ok.” I made sure my eyes connected with yours, squeezing your hand to assure you.
Your eldest brother stood up once your wife stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her, her gaze finally left the floor and joined with Isaacs. As I watched them share that moment I felt so alone. Is this what my forever would feel like without you?
She averted their connection quickly when I reached out for his hand and took a seat away from the rest of us, wrapping her soft hands around her frail arms. He moved out of my grasp and headed towards her, leaving my arm to drop by my side.
“Kate, please, listen to me.”
My ears snagged on his voice as he said her name and I stopped, my hand caught in mid air as I reached out for the door handle.
“No Isaac,” She shooshed him with her tone, “I’ve made up my mind. It’s over. Just leave it alone.”
“I can’t see you with him, I can’t watch you walk up that aisle and have it not be me waiting for you.” He was pleading.
Hard tears caught in my throat as I listened to the man who was to be my husband in less than a year beg to have another woman by his side.
You arrived behind me, dropping your boots beside the backdoor and throwing your jacket over one of the chairs. “What’s going on?” I heard you ask and I thought I jumped 10 feet out of my skin.
My face was white as a ghost as you pushed your hair out of your eyes and asked if I was ok. I nodded as Isaac entered the room, “Sara, you’re here,” He leaned over to gently place a kiss on my cheek.
For a split second I could travel one of two roads, but instead of taking the high one I moved in to his arms and curled myself around his frame. Your wife, or fiancé at the time, entered a moment after with her fingers swiping over her forehead like she was in pain.
How did she know what pain was? She was never second best. She was never over-looked. She had you.
He sat next to her and smoothed the fabric covering her back with the palm of his hand, lulling her in to his arms.
Natalie’s small hand came to rest on my forearm and she gave me a soft frown, “Everyone else has been in,”
I looked up in hope, “Has he asked for me?” I knew by the look in her eye that you hadn’t, but she nodded anyway.
Stepping in to the room I closed the door behind me and took the seat that was pulled next to your bed. Your eyes rolled under your sockets and I reached out to take your hand in mine.
“You said whatever hap,” My voice broke with the onslaught of tears, “Whatever happens, you wanted me by your side.”
You turned your head towards me and opened your eyes, “Just because you’re not here, doesn’t mean you’re not here.”
I could never make sense of your riddles, they were always something beautiful within them but I could never figure them out. “I don’t understand, just stop with all the bullshit and tell me why I was the last person you wanted to see.”
You coughed, and I heard it rattle through your empty chest. “I know what I want to say to everyone else, but you… You’re different…” You swallowed and I felt my heart crack right through the middle, “You showed me what it was like to have someone stand next to me, instead of behind me. And I don’t know how to say goodbye to something like that.”
........... that's all i've got so far guys! let me know ok?
love always,
ada.
>>> edit >>>> this is supposed to follow on straight after...
There had been only one instance when we had discussed our other halves. It was always something we somehow managed to avoid during our time together; and I had constantly contemplated why that was. Were we afraid if we brought other people in to our relationship it would make it real? Then others would talk about us in the same sentence and your mother would smile at us fondly?
I think we liked being separate from each other, I think we liked other people to see us separate from each other; we were just those types. And then the time we spent in each other’s arms would mean something; because it was ours. Because they couldn’t touch it.
As I was saying, there was only one time I had spoken to you about Kate and Isaac. And we had only ever had one fight. So it would make sense for both of these things to coincide with each other. It was the day before your little sister’s birthday and we were at my house, baking cookies. I forget why, we just were.
Robbie William’s ‘Sexed Up’ was playing on my stereo as I swayed softly and caught your eye. You smiled. I loved that smile. It’s clichéd by now, but it doesn’t make it any less true; you smile was all encompassing. It made girls fall at your feet, old women blush at your touch and children race to see what adventure you were to take on next. It made me feel warm and safe.
I tucked my hair behind my ear and shied away. You never affected me this much, I knew of your ‘ladies man’ reputation, how it was never intentional but always miraculously occurred to let you get your way. So what did you want from me? Didn’t you have all of me? There was nothing left for me to give.
Suddenly you were behind me, tracing your fingertips down my forearms, causing shivers to run rampant under my skin. I froze and said the first thing that came to mind, “Should we tell them?”
It was amazing how quickly you pulled away. Like putting a burn under cold water, it stung, but there was still that sudden relief of nervousness from having you over me.
“Tell them what?” You had annoyance in your tone.
It was funny how you knew exactly whom I was talking about.
“We’re running a fine line here, Zac.”
Our time together was sacred, so I could understand why you were angry. I was angry with myself for bringing it up. But sometimes your mind thinks in mysterious ways when you want something so much you have to push it away just to keep it safe.
You stared at me. Such anger boiling beneath your veins, like you knew I was right but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Then you looked at me like I had betrayed you, like by questioning what we were doing I had destroyed it. And you hated me.
You left then. You grabbed your jacket and walked right out my front door. But I didn’t stop you. I just stood there. It was hours before I moved; I couldn’t bring myself to even blink… Just in case you came back.
“It’s too soon.” I whispered. “You’re not going yet. You can’t.”
“It’s only down hill from here.” You spoke like you were ok with it. Were you? Were you really?
“You’re dying Zac! Dying! Do you know what that is?!” I yelled at you, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry… now.
You didn’t answer. You never answered when you had something important to say. Which was strange, for you. Because you always had something important to say, even at times like these when nothing anyone says is important. Unless it was the words ‘He’s going to be ok.’
“When you get sick, what happens?”
Ezra sat down next to you, I watched from afar. We hadn’t spoken since yesterday and when I had arrived with your brother you barely even glanced in my direction. I had given my present to Avery and then I had retreated to speaking with Natalie.
“You go to a doctor and he makes you better. Sometimes.” I saw your eyes dart up towards me, but pretended like I didn’t notice.
“What about the other times, when he can’t make you better?”
“Then you get sicker, and sometimes you die.” Your face didn’t even change emotion. How could talking about death when you yourself were dying, have no affect on you? But I guess, that it was you after all.
“Die? Does that mean you’re gone? Like not here anymore?” Ezra inched closer to you, nearly in your lap. But your body language said you didn’t mind.
“Yeah, Ez. You’re gone.”
“Where do you go when you’re gone?” This caught you off guard and you gave a blatant look my way. You knew I was listening. You knew I remembered your song from that day.
“You go to Heaven, Ez. With grandma and grandpa.” You ruffled his hair and stood up to walk to the bathroom. Leaving a situation always made it less painful for you, didn’t it? Is that why you left me? Was it less painful when you didn’t have to think of how someone else feels about you being gone?
I followed you to the bathroom and waited outside, making out like I didn’t know it was you who had gone in before me. You had to have seen right through it. But I didn’t care. I just had to see you. When you opened the door we just stared at each other; unsure of what to say. There were so many things TO say, it was like two people trying to get through a door at the same time and getting stuck.
It was then that Isaac stepped in to the hallway and caught us. We both looked away at the same time that it was so painfully obvious there was something going on between us. I held my head down and walked in to the room, shutting and locking the door behind me. I pulled the seat down on the toilet and sat, looking at the doorknob as it jiggled. I knew it wasn’t you so I didn’t bother to get up. He’d go away soon enough.
Go away and find Kate.
It was always so hard to keep thoughts like that from creeping into my mind. The only two men I’d ever thought about loving were in love with someone else, and it was her; of all people. Her. The perfect girl; the perfect woman. Kate.
“Did you tell her you loved her when you said goodbye?” I looked at you. I was staring at you ferociously, trying to see if I could get a reaction. I needed emotion from you, any emotion. Why were you making me feel so alone?
“I did. Because she needed to hear it. And I told her that Isaac loves her too. She take what she needs from what I said.”
Disgust rolled across my face, “You knew. All this time. And you let me fall in love with him? Fall in love with you? You knew both of you would leave me and you still let me?”
“It wasn’t me. You have a fear of letting go.”
“No, no, you’re telling me what you think I need to hear. I don’t want to hear you don’t love me, I don’t want to hear this whole thing has been a lie, I don’t want to hear that I am going to be alone.”
“It’s what you need to hear to let go.”
>>>> yeah i still dont know about this part. let me hear what you think!
This is gonna go under the cut coz it is waaaaaaay too big. If you would like to read the finished product, go here See Through Smile
No one knew of our relationship when you were admitted to the hospital for the last time. It felt strange keeping secrets from the people I loved most. But it seemed I loved you more.
As I sat in the waiting room, sipping my 3rd coffee for the night, your brother rubbed my back and told me everything would be ok. He never lied. But this time I didn’t believe him.
The day you were diagnosed was when it started. I thought it strange to have your number flashing on my caller id that late afternoon in august. But I answered it anyway, thinking it had to be my fiancée who had forgotten his phone or something else just as ordinary. But it was you.
Your voice was grave and full of thought as you asked me if I could do you a favour. I agreed straight away; your approval and friendship was something I had always secretly longed for. So I listened carefully and wondered why you would be at Tulsa Memorial Hospital, but figured, since you told me not to worry, that it had to be something insignificant.
When I hung up from you I wasn’t sure what to think of this situation. Wouldn’t you have a million more people to call instead of me? Your wife? Your brothers? Anyone else in the entire world? Maybe everyone was busy. Maybe you had something you were hiding. Maybe you were secretly in love with me the way I was secretly in love with you, and we both never knew it. Needless to say I was intrigued as I started by late model Ford and drove towards the place you had told me to collect you from.
When I reached you your eyes were bloodshot and this made me nervous. Something had to be wrong. The last time I saw you cry was… well, I had never seen you cry. But my fiancé had told me about it. And he had always said it was only ever at times when the world had come crashing down around you. So what was this disaster that had fallen upon your shoulders?
I pulled up and yanked the handbrake on, leaning over to open the door and push it in your direction. You climbed in and shut it, locking in your seatbelt and placing you hands palm down on your thighs. Your built stature looked funny packed in to my two-door hatch back, and I gave you a see through smile. You’re face was solemn, like it was filled to the brim with contemplation, as you returned my gesture.
“Are you ok?” I asked, such a dim-witted question, since I had picked you up from a hospital, alone and glass-eyed.
You gave half a smile and nodded, running your palms up and down your thighs. You looked nervous, fragile even. But… you were never fragile. These occurrences confused me.
I took one last long stare at you before I shifted in to drive, and slid out of the car park easily, making my way towards your house. You didn’t talk for the whole ride home, but then again, neither did I. What had spiralled us in to such a state? We normally chatted, exchanged cheeky taunts with each other, and sometimes, we even hugged. But there was none of that today. The air was thick and you seemed far away as you stared out the passenger side window.
You turned to me in a hurry, we were on an empty side street and you asked me to pull over. I followed your request and as soon as we were stationary you flung open your door and threw up all over the pavement. Usually this would have caused me to be sick myself, but I was only scared. Something was really wrong; when you began crying again it didn’t take me long to figure that out. You were sick, and not just Mom-I-want-a-day-off-school sick; hospital sick.
You wiped your mouth and held your head in your hands. “I’m sorry.” Was all you said. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“It’s ok.” I whispered, reaching out to place a hand on your back. “Do you want to go back to my place?”
You looked at me with those sad eyes and nodded softly. “Here,” I grabbed a blanket from the back seat and covered you with it once you closed your door.
You smiled thankfully, “I understand now.”
I looked at you quizzically, and you answered; “Why he loves you so much.”
“Have you told him yet?” I was back within these stale white walls as Taylor’s wife took a seat next to me. She knew the answer but she always continued to ask me if I had informed your other brother of our exploits. I gave her the same reply I did every time, that you were sick, and I couldn’t say no… But I never told her that I loved you. She would be too worried about the man I was to marry, because he was her family too.
Do you remember the day she caught us? We were supposed to be babysitting and she came home early, only to find us in a less than flattering position. So why did she always hassle me about telling your brother? Why not you? Had she confronted you about it later, without me there? What had she said? More importantly, what had you said back?
“Do you ever ask him to tell them?” I asked, referring to your and my other halves.
She looked at me in such a peculiar way that I wasn’t sure if I had spoken English. Her eyes wandered while her forehead crinkled in thought, “Once.”
She seemed suspended in time for a moment, “But he told me that he had found something in you, something that he needed to keep with him until it was time... As much as I love this family, and the people who are tied to it, I had to keep his secret… Because you give him something to live for.” She held tears in her eyes as she turned back to face me, “And how do I take that away?”
We were lying on my bed watching my crappy television when you turned to me and asked me why I hadn’t asked you a single question about anything that had happened today. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just said what most people do, “Because you’ll tell me when you want to.”
“It’s not because you don’t care?” You had to have known that was a stupid question. Of course I cared. Granted, when I met you I thought you were the typical clichéd rock star with the ego of Madonna and most definitely a penis the size of a Frankfurt.
But then I got to know you. And I realised why time stops when you walk in to a room, why everyone’s eyes seem drawn to you. You are this entity and people want only to be in your presence.
“You’re nearly my brother in law. Of course I care about you.” You gave me a strange look and turned back to the TV. I was still expecting you to tell me what was wrong, but when you didn’t I just sighed and flopped down next to you cradling my chin in my hands. You nudged me with your shoulder and I poked my tongue out at you, pushing you back.
Watching me from the corner of your eye you made shivers slide up and down my spine. Then you spoke, “Do you think you can love two people at the same time for completely different reasons?”
I looked at you, confused. “I guess.” I was too naïve to think you could have been even remotely giving me a hint. You? Love me? Never. I glanced back at you again, a slight rise in my eyebrow as a funny smile played on my lips, “You’re kinda weird.”
You stared at me. And the shivers came back. You always manage to look right through people. Today was no exception. “I have cancer.”
Who speaks that way? Who ever just comes out and says things that they know will have such an enormous effect on people? But that was always you. Up-front, honest, even to a fault.
And so there it was. Right out in front of me. Yet I couldn’t grasp it.
Suddenly the world came to a stand still.
You laughed. How could you be laughing? Was this a joke? I didn’t understand.
“The doctor says I only have a couple of months, a year at most. Christmas, if I’m lucky.”
I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t comprehend what was happening. How could I look at the future and not see you in it? How could the world just go on without you there? How could there be a day when I woke up and you were just… gone?
She walked in. Your wife, that is. And my eyes couldn’t bear to look at her. She loved you. As much speculation about it as there was, I knew she did. She was that one of a kind girl, but that’s why you married her.
“Sara,” She whispered as she wrapped me in her arms. I held my breath and looked away once she had released me. I hadn’t been able to meet her eyes for weeks now, in fear that she would know; that the truth would be written in my every look.
She took a shaky breath and looked to her sister in law, “Where is he?” She asked, preparing herself for the worst.
Sometimes I was jealous of her, you know. She was allowed to show her worry and fragility so openly. I could do neither; I was only ever the concerned fiancé of the patient’s brother. There would be no note on your file that confirmed I was here when you took your last breaths, there would be no paper work for me to sign on your behalf, I wasn’t entitled to see you, or be classified as immediate family. I was just an outsider, looking in.
Why didn’t you marry me?
“She’s everything I always wanted.” You seemed so elated, so happy to have found this girl to whom you were planning to propose to.
“I’m happy for you then, I really am.” Isaac looked like he’d just lost a limb, but was trying to be happy about it. I knew he still loved her, I knew how hard it was for him to see you with her. And now this? He must’ve thought you were trying to destroy him piece by piece.
“Thanks man.” You looked him in the eye, “That means a lot coming from you. Really.”
He glanced away, then back up at you, “Well, it’s the truth.”
But it wasn’t.
And as I watched from the kitchen I knew he was lying. Losing this girl to the one person he had to love forever? Losing this girl to you? It tore him apart inside. But you didn’t see that. Maybe you didn’t want to. Did it hurt if you thought about it? Did it make you think you were betraying him? Coz you were, you know. Even when they had broken up, even when he said it was over, even when there was no going back. It still hurt. Deep down where he hides the important things.
Deep down where he hides days like today.
I looked over at him, sitting up right in his chair, staring straight ahead. I wondered what was going through his mind, was he thinking that he could have her when you die?
Would she become the pretty bride and me the forever-grieving widow?
I watched him as his gaze focused on her, travelling her curves, smoothing her hair, brushing her nose, he took in every inch of her. Then he sighed. Did he wish he was you?
Catching my stare he stopped, he knew I had seen him. I just looked away. Today was not the day to have that conversation, though it was at that moment I decided I would return the gold band wrapped around my wedding finger.
“I wrote a song.” You swallowed, “And I want you to hear it.”
I sat, legs folded under me and waited eagerly. You said you had been waiting for the right moment to show me, and seeing as it was now a ritual that I would pick you up from the hospital after your check ups you had waited until today.
All of a sudden you began strumming your guitar,
“Well I just can't seem to pity
'Cause my heart's too numb to feel
And the smile does all the talking
Though the pain is all that's real
With the way that you keep screaming
I can hardly hear to think
And I feel the bridges burning
Underneath my feet…”
You stopped, “I’ve written more but it’s not really together yet.”
My voice caught in my throat as my eyes strung. You looked up at me, wondering why I was so quiet.
And that was when I realised. I was going to lose you, and there was nothing I could do about it.
So I kissed you. As hard as I could. It was my way of keeping you, because if I didn’t let go of you, you couldn’t leave.
“You can see him now.” The doctor emerged from nowhere. I rose from my seat, only to see Kate do the same thing. I caught myself in mid air and sat back down, hoping you would ask to see me next.
Everybody went in, one by one, and each time I felt my heart tear apart. Why wasn’t it my turn? Didn’t you want to see me? Had you forgotten about me? Now that you were face to face with this thing, did you want to fight it alone?
“I like that we have these times.” I lay by your side, curled up against you as you played with my hair.
“Me too,” I remember whispering. I was never very poetic.
“Whatever happens,” You paused, contemplating the ‘whatever’, “I want you by my side.”
“Ok.” I made sure my eyes connected with yours, squeezing your hand to assure you.
Your eldest brother stood up once your wife stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her, her gaze finally left the floor and joined with Isaacs. As I watched them share that moment I felt so alone. Is this what my forever would feel like without you?
She averted their connection quickly when I reached out for his hand and took a seat away from the rest of us, wrapping her soft hands around her frail arms. He moved out of my grasp and headed towards her, leaving my arm to drop by my side.
“Kate, please, listen to me.”
My ears snagged on his voice as he said her name and I stopped, my hand caught in mid air as I reached out for the door handle.
“No Isaac,” She shooshed him with her tone, “I’ve made up my mind. It’s over. Just leave it alone.”
“I can’t see you with him, I can’t watch you walk up that aisle and have it not be me waiting for you.” He was pleading.
Hard tears caught in my throat as I listened to the man who was to be my husband in less than a year beg to have another woman by his side.
You arrived behind me, dropping your boots beside the backdoor and throwing your jacket over one of the chairs. “What’s going on?” I heard you ask and I thought I jumped 10 feet out of my skin.
My face was white as a ghost as you pushed your hair out of your eyes and asked if I was ok. I nodded as Isaac entered the room, “Sara, you’re here,” He leaned over to gently place a kiss on my cheek.
For a split second I could travel one of two roads, but instead of taking the high one I moved in to his arms and curled myself around his frame. Your wife, or fiancé at the time, entered a moment after with her fingers swiping over her forehead like she was in pain.
How did she know what pain was? She was never second best. She was never over-looked. She had you.
He sat next to her and smoothed the fabric covering her back with the palm of his hand, lulling her in to his arms.
Natalie’s small hand came to rest on my forearm and she gave me a soft frown, “Everyone else has been in,”
I looked up in hope, “Has he asked for me?” I knew by the look in her eye that you hadn’t, but she nodded anyway.
Stepping in to the room I closed the door behind me and took the seat that was pulled next to your bed. Your eyes rolled under your sockets and I reached out to take your hand in mine.
“You said whatever hap,” My voice broke with the onslaught of tears, “Whatever happens, you wanted me by your side.”
You turned your head towards me and opened your eyes, “Just because you’re not here, doesn’t mean you’re not here.”
I could never make sense of your riddles, they were always something beautiful within them but I could never figure them out. “I don’t understand, just stop with all the bullshit and tell me why I was the last person you wanted to see.”
You coughed, and I heard it rattle through your empty chest. “I know what I want to say to everyone else, but you… You’re different…” You swallowed and I felt my heart crack right through the middle, “You showed me what it was like to have someone stand next to me, instead of behind me. And I don’t know how to say goodbye to something like that.”
........... that's all i've got so far guys! let me know ok?
love always,
ada.
>>> edit >>>> this is supposed to follow on straight after...
There had been only one instance when we had discussed our other halves. It was always something we somehow managed to avoid during our time together; and I had constantly contemplated why that was. Were we afraid if we brought other people in to our relationship it would make it real? Then others would talk about us in the same sentence and your mother would smile at us fondly?
I think we liked being separate from each other, I think we liked other people to see us separate from each other; we were just those types. And then the time we spent in each other’s arms would mean something; because it was ours. Because they couldn’t touch it.
As I was saying, there was only one time I had spoken to you about Kate and Isaac. And we had only ever had one fight. So it would make sense for both of these things to coincide with each other. It was the day before your little sister’s birthday and we were at my house, baking cookies. I forget why, we just were.
Robbie William’s ‘Sexed Up’ was playing on my stereo as I swayed softly and caught your eye. You smiled. I loved that smile. It’s clichéd by now, but it doesn’t make it any less true; you smile was all encompassing. It made girls fall at your feet, old women blush at your touch and children race to see what adventure you were to take on next. It made me feel warm and safe.
I tucked my hair behind my ear and shied away. You never affected me this much, I knew of your ‘ladies man’ reputation, how it was never intentional but always miraculously occurred to let you get your way. So what did you want from me? Didn’t you have all of me? There was nothing left for me to give.
Suddenly you were behind me, tracing your fingertips down my forearms, causing shivers to run rampant under my skin. I froze and said the first thing that came to mind, “Should we tell them?”
It was amazing how quickly you pulled away. Like putting a burn under cold water, it stung, but there was still that sudden relief of nervousness from having you over me.
“Tell them what?” You had annoyance in your tone.
It was funny how you knew exactly whom I was talking about.
“We’re running a fine line here, Zac.”
Our time together was sacred, so I could understand why you were angry. I was angry with myself for bringing it up. But sometimes your mind thinks in mysterious ways when you want something so much you have to push it away just to keep it safe.
You stared at me. Such anger boiling beneath your veins, like you knew I was right but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Then you looked at me like I had betrayed you, like by questioning what we were doing I had destroyed it. And you hated me.
You left then. You grabbed your jacket and walked right out my front door. But I didn’t stop you. I just stood there. It was hours before I moved; I couldn’t bring myself to even blink… Just in case you came back.
“It’s too soon.” I whispered. “You’re not going yet. You can’t.”
“It’s only down hill from here.” You spoke like you were ok with it. Were you? Were you really?
“You’re dying Zac! Dying! Do you know what that is?!” I yelled at you, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry… now.
You didn’t answer. You never answered when you had something important to say. Which was strange, for you. Because you always had something important to say, even at times like these when nothing anyone says is important. Unless it was the words ‘He’s going to be ok.’
“When you get sick, what happens?”
Ezra sat down next to you, I watched from afar. We hadn’t spoken since yesterday and when I had arrived with your brother you barely even glanced in my direction. I had given my present to Avery and then I had retreated to speaking with Natalie.
“You go to a doctor and he makes you better. Sometimes.” I saw your eyes dart up towards me, but pretended like I didn’t notice.
“What about the other times, when he can’t make you better?”
“Then you get sicker, and sometimes you die.” Your face didn’t even change emotion. How could talking about death when you yourself were dying, have no affect on you? But I guess, that it was you after all.
“Die? Does that mean you’re gone? Like not here anymore?” Ezra inched closer to you, nearly in your lap. But your body language said you didn’t mind.
“Yeah, Ez. You’re gone.”
“Where do you go when you’re gone?” This caught you off guard and you gave a blatant look my way. You knew I was listening. You knew I remembered your song from that day.
“You go to Heaven, Ez. With grandma and grandpa.” You ruffled his hair and stood up to walk to the bathroom. Leaving a situation always made it less painful for you, didn’t it? Is that why you left me? Was it less painful when you didn’t have to think of how someone else feels about you being gone?
I followed you to the bathroom and waited outside, making out like I didn’t know it was you who had gone in before me. You had to have seen right through it. But I didn’t care. I just had to see you. When you opened the door we just stared at each other; unsure of what to say. There were so many things TO say, it was like two people trying to get through a door at the same time and getting stuck.
It was then that Isaac stepped in to the hallway and caught us. We both looked away at the same time that it was so painfully obvious there was something going on between us. I held my head down and walked in to the room, shutting and locking the door behind me. I pulled the seat down on the toilet and sat, looking at the doorknob as it jiggled. I knew it wasn’t you so I didn’t bother to get up. He’d go away soon enough.
Go away and find Kate.
It was always so hard to keep thoughts like that from creeping into my mind. The only two men I’d ever thought about loving were in love with someone else, and it was her; of all people. Her. The perfect girl; the perfect woman. Kate.
“Did you tell her you loved her when you said goodbye?” I looked at you. I was staring at you ferociously, trying to see if I could get a reaction. I needed emotion from you, any emotion. Why were you making me feel so alone?
“I did. Because she needed to hear it. And I told her that Isaac loves her too. She take what she needs from what I said.”
Disgust rolled across my face, “You knew. All this time. And you let me fall in love with him? Fall in love with you? You knew both of you would leave me and you still let me?”
“It wasn’t me. You have a fear of letting go.”
“No, no, you’re telling me what you think I need to hear. I don’t want to hear you don’t love me, I don’t want to hear this whole thing has been a lie, I don’t want to hear that I am going to be alone.”
“It’s what you need to hear to let go.”
>>>> yeah i still dont know about this part. let me hear what you think!