(no subject)
31/01/04
Now I haven’t had a chance to check all this so if you cant work it out, quit while you’re ahead! lol
Things that happened today:
1. Went to my cousins brand new house - I should be proud that she’s all older and getting on with her life. And I am. I love her; I’m happy for her. But we were sisters once, now we’re only relatives. It’s just sad to think that we were young once; and now it’s gone. Forever. I’ll never get that back. I’m not having an optimistic day today, as you can tell. I’ve reformed: time sucks ass.
2. Went to a cute little tea-house up in the hills - It’s really nice up there. Me and my mother talked. I told her that I knew she thought I was stupid and that I wouldn’t be able to do my senior year. She responded that she’d never said anything like that to me ever. I looked her in the eye and mumbled that she didn’t have to say it; I knew the disappointment was already there. She went on to inform me that no body thought I was stupid, but people do think I need to use the potential and brains that they apparently “know” I’ve got. But if I have yet to use my brains, doesn’t that mean I’m stupid now? Then I cried. Cried my little heart out, whilst trying to be discreet; there were other patrons who didn’t need to hear my sob story. Maybe I am scared that I wont be able to do it this year, maybe I’m taking my insecurities out on her and trying to blame her instead of facing the fact that it’s not them who think I’m stupid, but me. I’ve never been a school person, short attention span, impulsive, you know how it goes. Suddenly you haven’t been to a full day at school in 2 weeks and your grades have gone to the shit house. This year might be the first year that I actually try and maybe I’m sick of being excited; maybe the excitement was hiding my fear. I need someone to believe in me, to tell me that I can do it, that I’m good enough, that I deserve the good things in life. I guess everyone needs reassurance right?
I shouldn’t get into this now but I hate my mother sometimes, no, not really hate her. Just dislike the outlook she has on things, especially when it affects me too. I bring home a test I thought I did well on, she focuses on the answers I got wrong instead of the ones I got right. But like I said, growing up you realise that your parents are only human beings and that they’re just trying to do their best, like everyone else. It’d be kinda nice for her to be proud of me, at least once. Our conversation at the tea-house also led to the ever present subject of her ‘split’ with her boyfriend. He’s the best thing I’ve had in my life since, well, anything. At times, most of the time, he’s even better than my own father - who lives a state away. I know how bad that sounds, because your father is someone you should cherish and love and respect - yet I can do hardly any of those things. I had a full time dad for 2 years, my parents separated then it was part time, me and my mother moved away and now it’s quarter time. It sounds cheesy but I liked when my mother got this new man in her life, he’s a manly man; likes his cars, his football and his alcohol. He treated me like maybe I could be his own daughter one day, and bought me things, not to buy my love but just because he wanted to. He took care of me when I was sick, whilst my own father couldn’t even manage taking me to the doctor. I’m switching from past to present tense here, mainly because my mother pushed this guy away and now maybe he’s gone forever. All the while they were fighting he still took me places, bought me millions of things, a new computer to help me with school this year because he believes I can do it. He has faith in me. Besides a good friend of mine at school; no one else has really ever believed I could do much. Mother says she does but I don’t believe her; when she tells me these things it always seems as if they’re mandatory - she has to say them because she has to be a parent; and parents are supposed to believe in their children, supposed to think they can do anything. ‘Supposed to’ being the operative words there. So, back to my point, we were talking and I told her this year was going to be big and I needed something to come home to, I needed him to be a part of us. Now me and my mother have been ‘us’ for the past 14 years so this is a big step for me; any other man wouldn’t have cut it. But I liked this one, he was a keeper. Lol. She asked me why and then proceeded to tell me that I’ve done well enough without him being with her. This hurt. She thought I wanted him there because he bought me things. I asked her, tears clenching in the back of my throat, if she really thought I was honestly that shallow. She didn’t answer and the silence caused my eyes to avert themselves from hers, I couldn’t look at her any more, couldn’t talk to her any more. I only wish I had’ve told her that I never got to have a family before, and she was taking it away from me. And that it hurt.
3. Watched Britney: Live in Las Vegas - Yeah well this was obviously the most exciting part of my day. Lol. Britney is… different, but yet ordinary. Doesn’t add up, I know. I don’t have much to say about her now, only that I feel sorry for her. I think she might be a real nice girl underneath. Because everyone’s a different person underneath. Maybe that’s why Hanson have named their album that, lol, maybe not. I’ve decided I like that word though, and it’s implications.
4. Had a shock to the system involving Hanson - No, don’t stress, Zac’s still single… I think. *shrugs* Who cares… Anyway, I was chewing away at my roll when I blurted out to my mother that the new album would be out soon - or so they say - and she looked confused. Surely Hanson have been in this household long enough for her to know who I was talking about. I mean, come on. But she came out with something entirely different; she said that she thought there was no more band coz ‘what’s-his-name’ got married. I can’t even remember why it shocked me at the time, but it just made me think. *shrugs*
5. Downloaded Kazaa - I know, I know, don’t throw things at me! It’s filled with spy-ware and all that crap, well, I couldn’t find anything else ok! And I wanted my music. NOW! Plus I got a new mini-disc player for Christmas and I wanna try it out. It’s so cool. Lol. Yeah, geek-a-licious here I come. I’m just waiting for the Boogie Pimps dance version of ‘somebody to love’ to download. Oh, y’all know it! “don’t you want somebody to love, don’t you love somebody to love” kinda goes like that, I think.
6. Chatted to Jny - She a very intriguing girl this one; don’t ask me why coz I couldn’t explain it but I love her. I went through a stage where I just kept out of contact with everyone and lost a lot of good people during the course but Jny’s gorgeous. And she makes great sites. You should see her layouts, they’re always fabulous. I wanna know how she does it! But for now I’m content with demanding her to just make mine. :o) I wanna give her a hug but she’s so far away. I wish I could cheer her up, as much as I complain about life, I just want her to really know that nothing is ever as bad as you think it is; there’s always something better coming - you just gotta wait for it. I’ve never been patient, and I never will be, but what got me through most of the hard times was the thought that it wouldn’t always be this way because there were things in life that were coming, different things, worse things, better things, but all of them new and nothing to do with how bad I was feeling now. So Jny if you read this please remember that you’re meant to be here and even if I’m only one person and I don’t mean much - I couldn’t live without you. I know we aren’t the bestest of best friends - I leave that to your girl April - but we’re connected, yeah? I hope so. Smile chicky!
7. Wrote this - Yes, another 5 page long ramble about the strangeness that is my life. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
x x love ada x x
Oh, by the by, the fic Underneath is @: http://users.hanson.net/grittytumulto/u03index.html
Go here also and give Jny a lil tag that says she’s the coolest:
http://www.bennese-land.com/jny
Now I haven’t had a chance to check all this so if you cant work it out, quit while you’re ahead! lol
Things that happened today:
1. Went to my cousins brand new house - I should be proud that she’s all older and getting on with her life. And I am. I love her; I’m happy for her. But we were sisters once, now we’re only relatives. It’s just sad to think that we were young once; and now it’s gone. Forever. I’ll never get that back. I’m not having an optimistic day today, as you can tell. I’ve reformed: time sucks ass.
2. Went to a cute little tea-house up in the hills - It’s really nice up there. Me and my mother talked. I told her that I knew she thought I was stupid and that I wouldn’t be able to do my senior year. She responded that she’d never said anything like that to me ever. I looked her in the eye and mumbled that she didn’t have to say it; I knew the disappointment was already there. She went on to inform me that no body thought I was stupid, but people do think I need to use the potential and brains that they apparently “know” I’ve got. But if I have yet to use my brains, doesn’t that mean I’m stupid now? Then I cried. Cried my little heart out, whilst trying to be discreet; there were other patrons who didn’t need to hear my sob story. Maybe I am scared that I wont be able to do it this year, maybe I’m taking my insecurities out on her and trying to blame her instead of facing the fact that it’s not them who think I’m stupid, but me. I’ve never been a school person, short attention span, impulsive, you know how it goes. Suddenly you haven’t been to a full day at school in 2 weeks and your grades have gone to the shit house. This year might be the first year that I actually try and maybe I’m sick of being excited; maybe the excitement was hiding my fear. I need someone to believe in me, to tell me that I can do it, that I’m good enough, that I deserve the good things in life. I guess everyone needs reassurance right?
I shouldn’t get into this now but I hate my mother sometimes, no, not really hate her. Just dislike the outlook she has on things, especially when it affects me too. I bring home a test I thought I did well on, she focuses on the answers I got wrong instead of the ones I got right. But like I said, growing up you realise that your parents are only human beings and that they’re just trying to do their best, like everyone else. It’d be kinda nice for her to be proud of me, at least once. Our conversation at the tea-house also led to the ever present subject of her ‘split’ with her boyfriend. He’s the best thing I’ve had in my life since, well, anything. At times, most of the time, he’s even better than my own father - who lives a state away. I know how bad that sounds, because your father is someone you should cherish and love and respect - yet I can do hardly any of those things. I had a full time dad for 2 years, my parents separated then it was part time, me and my mother moved away and now it’s quarter time. It sounds cheesy but I liked when my mother got this new man in her life, he’s a manly man; likes his cars, his football and his alcohol. He treated me like maybe I could be his own daughter one day, and bought me things, not to buy my love but just because he wanted to. He took care of me when I was sick, whilst my own father couldn’t even manage taking me to the doctor. I’m switching from past to present tense here, mainly because my mother pushed this guy away and now maybe he’s gone forever. All the while they were fighting he still took me places, bought me millions of things, a new computer to help me with school this year because he believes I can do it. He has faith in me. Besides a good friend of mine at school; no one else has really ever believed I could do much. Mother says she does but I don’t believe her; when she tells me these things it always seems as if they’re mandatory - she has to say them because she has to be a parent; and parents are supposed to believe in their children, supposed to think they can do anything. ‘Supposed to’ being the operative words there. So, back to my point, we were talking and I told her this year was going to be big and I needed something to come home to, I needed him to be a part of us. Now me and my mother have been ‘us’ for the past 14 years so this is a big step for me; any other man wouldn’t have cut it. But I liked this one, he was a keeper. Lol. She asked me why and then proceeded to tell me that I’ve done well enough without him being with her. This hurt. She thought I wanted him there because he bought me things. I asked her, tears clenching in the back of my throat, if she really thought I was honestly that shallow. She didn’t answer and the silence caused my eyes to avert themselves from hers, I couldn’t look at her any more, couldn’t talk to her any more. I only wish I had’ve told her that I never got to have a family before, and she was taking it away from me. And that it hurt.
3. Watched Britney: Live in Las Vegas - Yeah well this was obviously the most exciting part of my day. Lol. Britney is… different, but yet ordinary. Doesn’t add up, I know. I don’t have much to say about her now, only that I feel sorry for her. I think she might be a real nice girl underneath. Because everyone’s a different person underneath. Maybe that’s why Hanson have named their album that, lol, maybe not. I’ve decided I like that word though, and it’s implications.
4. Had a shock to the system involving Hanson - No, don’t stress, Zac’s still single… I think. *shrugs* Who cares… Anyway, I was chewing away at my roll when I blurted out to my mother that the new album would be out soon - or so they say - and she looked confused. Surely Hanson have been in this household long enough for her to know who I was talking about. I mean, come on. But she came out with something entirely different; she said that she thought there was no more band coz ‘what’s-his-name’ got married. I can’t even remember why it shocked me at the time, but it just made me think. *shrugs*
5. Downloaded Kazaa - I know, I know, don’t throw things at me! It’s filled with spy-ware and all that crap, well, I couldn’t find anything else ok! And I wanted my music. NOW! Plus I got a new mini-disc player for Christmas and I wanna try it out. It’s so cool. Lol. Yeah, geek-a-licious here I come. I’m just waiting for the Boogie Pimps dance version of ‘somebody to love’ to download. Oh, y’all know it! “don’t you want somebody to love, don’t you love somebody to love” kinda goes like that, I think.
6. Chatted to Jny - She a very intriguing girl this one; don’t ask me why coz I couldn’t explain it but I love her. I went through a stage where I just kept out of contact with everyone and lost a lot of good people during the course but Jny’s gorgeous. And she makes great sites. You should see her layouts, they’re always fabulous. I wanna know how she does it! But for now I’m content with demanding her to just make mine. :o) I wanna give her a hug but she’s so far away. I wish I could cheer her up, as much as I complain about life, I just want her to really know that nothing is ever as bad as you think it is; there’s always something better coming - you just gotta wait for it. I’ve never been patient, and I never will be, but what got me through most of the hard times was the thought that it wouldn’t always be this way because there were things in life that were coming, different things, worse things, better things, but all of them new and nothing to do with how bad I was feeling now. So Jny if you read this please remember that you’re meant to be here and even if I’m only one person and I don’t mean much - I couldn’t live without you. I know we aren’t the bestest of best friends - I leave that to your girl April - but we’re connected, yeah? I hope so. Smile chicky!
7. Wrote this - Yes, another 5 page long ramble about the strangeness that is my life. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
x x love ada x x
Oh, by the by, the fic Underneath is @: http://users.hanson.net/grittytumulto/u03index.html
Go here also and give Jny a lil tag that says she’s the coolest:
http://www.bennese-land.com/jny