(no subject)
01/02/04
My eyes are red and sore, the skin beneath them is tight and my lips are chapped. Wow and it’s only 2pm, that’s a record. As you can guess I had another lovely heart-warming talk with my mother, you’d think I’d have learned by now; no good can come of them. To add insult to yesterday’s injury, I was informed that my mother’s ex had only bought me things because he wanted to buy my love, to get me on his side, to keep ‘a foot in the door’ as my mother calls it. To say to your own daughter that she was not worth the love of another person, that that other person was using her as a way to get to you, her mother… What would posses you to degrade your own child in such a way? But I guess that’s my mother for ya, always looking at the bright side of life, always there to put others before herself. I only wish you could hear the sarcasm in my voice.
Those words stung quite a bit, but not as bad as what she said next. She began shouting, screaming in my face that I was only on his side so he could live with us so I could scam gifts out of him. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know which one was worse; that I was undeserving of someone else’s love or that I used people myself. Tough choice, huh? I began to feel the tears in my eyes again and hated myself for being such a sissy. As dramatically as my little body could muster, lol, I clenched my teeth together and told her that I wasn’t going to let anything she said get to me any more. I was a child again, crossing my chubby little arms over my chest and pouting, telling her I didn't care if she took my toys away... I knew that what I said to her would never happen, things she said would always get to me, but I wanted her to know how much she was hurting me, and that I wanted it to stop. She refused to respond. We sat there in silence for a while, stopped at the traffic lights, but as soon as the lights went green I started on her again. I kept my voice low and tried to run it around my tears. I hate that about myself, I want to say something so bad it hurts but I cant say it because my stupid body breaks down in tears. I finally said it though, I finally told her that I’d never had a family before, I never had a dad. She didn’t feel sorry for me, instead she fumed that he wasn’t a good enough person to be a father to me, that he didn’t care about me, that he wasn’t dedicated. I yelled back at her that she didn’t know that coz she wasn’t me, she didn’t feel how I felt. And dedicated? Dedicated? While she was at work all day he took me to get my shots and blood tests at the hospital when I was sick, he hung out with me and bought me a DVD player coz I was bed-ridden, we watched DVD’s together and he went out and got me ice cream and bought me home these pink furry creatures to cheer me up - they’re so cute. He took me to get all my school things, believed in me enough not to care what it took to get me there but just as long as I did this year to the best of what I knew I could do. Because he wants the best for me, because he has hopes for me, he has hope in me. And she had the audacity to say he wasn’t dedicated?
Also, for her to tell me what I was doing, like I didn’t know myself, for her to say to me that I was using him. If I didn’t have PMS I would’ve screamed at her endlessly instead of sitting there crying. It’s not in my nature to cry, I’m an Aries. Fire sign, we have wicked hot tempers, trust me.
I had invited him to go to a car show with me ( I like my cars ) earlier that week but he was working, which was ok. I spat a rhetorical question at her and asked if I’d just invited him to that with me so I could get something out of it; if I only wanted him there to buy things for me? I mean, yeah, I don’t deny it’s nice to be spoilt one in a while but what was he gonna do, buy me a friggin car? Pfft! …She didn’t have an answer to that one either. For a second I felt pride wash over me, that I’d proved her wrong and she knew it. But then she said calmly that that was fine and she would just never let any one else come between us ever again. This pissed me off because she was doing the exact opposite to what I thought was right - this probably made her feel like she’d won. I looked out the window as the houses rolled by and told her there was no us any more. She’d ruined it. We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride home and although I’d won in a sense, it didn’t feel as good as it did before.
While I write this and re-think things and condemn myself for the things I said, while cursing her for the things she said - I’ve come up with an explanation as to why she said these things about me and her ex. She wants to break our bond; she wants me back on her side. I feel bad for deserting her. But I just know that she’s wrong about this one and I’m only trying to make her see. I wish she would just understand that I’m trying to make things good again, I suppose it has to get worse before it can get better - it’s always darkest before the dawn.
The thing with me and my mother is that we fight; a lot. Gee, state the obvious next time, huh? See, there’s always this underlying competition when we argue, that it becomes not about who’s point is right and who’s is wrong or which makes more sense but more about who wins and who loses. Sometimes I hate this about us, because we can’t ever just settle something, it always takes just that one step further and we’re battling it out to the death. It’s frustrating, let me tell you, and I’ve lived with it all my life. I want to change it but I still have the fire inside me, licking at my skin. And we’re both to stubborn to do anything any other way but the way we think is right. Maybe we’ll never change. I think this is due to the fact that she wants to control me, the same way her mother controlled her; by the way, they don’t even speak any more. I said to her something about something to do with my grandmother, if my mother would like me to treat her that way and she spoke with pure belief and told me that we would never be like that, it would be different with us. I brought this up whilst we were tearing into each other and yelled, you think we’re not gonna end up like that? Look where you’re pushing this! Look what you’re doing! She stayed dormant.
She doesn’t realise this, and if she did she’d probably kill herself but there are things she hates in her own mother that I see in her; she just doesn’t notice. I only hope that that doesn’t happen to me, that I’m always happy and that when I’m sad I’ll know when it’s time to move on and I won’t take that around with me for the rest of my life, like she has. She holds on to the past, bringing that pain from her last relationships into this one and ruining them because she can’t let that hurt slip away. It’s all she knows. I feel sorry for her, but I don’t want to be like her.
In another entry I wrote about one of my friends who was going through a kind of difficult time. [ I know! Writing about someone else’s problems for a change, go me. *shakes head* ] Anyway, I took this from her journal and wanted to reply to it here because when I read it I remembered all of the times I hated myself, and all of the times that, looking back now, were times that make me sick.
Although I’m grateful to be able to look back on them and not still be living them, it was only a short time ago and as much as I want to put miles and miles of distance between me and what I liked to call ‘it’; I still feel the monster in my veins and know how revolting it feels.
wow talk about pointless... i've been kinda off today. it's like... i dunno. and no one is on that i can talk to about it (mostly lauren) except for meagan. but oh well, i guess i just gotta deal with my shit alone, even though i'm always there for others. no one understands, they really don't. they say they do but they honestly don't. i hate it. i want someone to understand. is it normal to want something to be wrong with you? i wanna be diagnosed with depression, then at least i'd have a reason behind my moods. but yet i don't wanna do to a psychiatrist because they cost so much fuckin' money and don't even give a shit about you anyways. i'm so stressed out... i can feel my shoulders getting tighter and tighter. like all day today my back and neck and shoulders have been tense and they hurt. i don't wanna be like this. i don't like it when i'm like this. why can't i just be numb to all emotion? then nothing would ever bother me anymore. why can't i just have the guts to hurt myself? then people would notice that i'm NOT okay. everyone's so fuckin' blind about what i'm really feeling deep inside. they're all consumed in their own problems to even ever give a damn about mine. i always listen to everyone bitch and moan. when will it be my turn? i'm so tired of being strong for my friends. i'm tired of caring. i don't wanna care anymore. what can i do to stop caring? what can i do to be normal again?
I’m not gonna pretend that I understand, that I know exactly how it feels for you; because I’m not you, I don’t live your life and I dont know. But I know how it felt for me, like there was no one to help me, no one to make it better, no one who would understand, no one who wouldn’t just pretend like it was hormones and ‘teenage angst’. It felt more and more like no one knew me at all. And I hated that I was alone, that I was always there for everybody else but that no one was ever there for me. I didn’t know what caused me to float up and down so rapidly within my emotions, one minute I was ecstatic, the next minute I was frustrated with myself, and then the next I was miserable and alone. I remember it really well; always alone.
Nobody knew, and even if I did let them see, nobody cared. All I wanted was for someone to tell me what was wrong with me, to diagnose me, so if I finally knew what was wrong with me then maybe I could fix it. I wanted to talk to someone, a counsellor, a psychiatrist, someone who would listen and tell me that this wasn’t who I was, that I was someone better than these petty emotions made me out to be. But I felt like my problems were insignificant, I wasn’t raped or abused or even ignored, I was just me and I didn’t matter.
There were bigger things than what I had to worry about, like Cassie having a close friend die, or my mother having an operation, my grandparents in and out of hospital; everybody else’s problems were greater than mine. This was around the time when I would get angry with myself, that I wanted to hurt myself because my mind wouldn’t listen to me when I told it to get over whatever was making me do this and get on with life. It frustrated me to no end that I wouldn’t listen to myself. It sounds stupid. I didn’t wanna be how I was but yet I couldn’t change it. I despised it, I wanted all and any emotion to just go away and leave me alone, I didn’t mind that I wouldn’t be able to feel anything, not even happiness, I just wanted it gone. For always. Nothing else would get to me any more, it seemed like a great solution. There were times when I sat in the shower, trying to cut my self with my shaver. I kinda laugh at it now. But back then, I was far from laughter, I was willing myself to be strong, to cut deeper but I never had the guts, I thought I wanted to die, but I didn’t; I just wanted someone to care. To notice.
No one did. No one ever notices, even if you tell them, they pretend they feel for you, pretend like they really do care. But five minutes later it’s gone, they’ve run off to be with their boyfriend and you’re left sitting there going ‘But, wait, didn’t I just tell you I was hurting? Didn’t I just show you what I did to myself because of that hurt?’. It makes you angry when you see that you did so much for them, you were always there and yet when you’re at your very worst they can’t even be with you? Can’t even tell you that it’s ok? That they’ll stick around through the worst of it? That they won’t leave? I got angry at them because they didn’t understand, they didn’t give a god damn shit.
Then I was tired, tired of everything, sick of letting everything get to me, allowing things to tear me down inside. And I realised that things weren’t going to fix them and if I was alone then I was gonna have to get myself out of this alone. And I would, I would be ok… That didn’t last for long. It was only when I found a new friend that things started getting better. It’s funny though because that same friend is the girl who right now is plotting my demise inside her little brain. That exact same friend that I spoke about in my first entry; I have to laugh at this. It’s ironic, don’t ya think?
Anywho, this girl and I we had the most fun I’d had with anyone else, ever. I got to be a kid again and we were so alike - we were the same. We did everything together, had our own little world, laughed till our tummies ached, talked till our voices were gone, were together until our mothers thought it’d be nice to see the daughters again. We were literally >this< close. And although I know how it turned out and how I tell myself if I could do it again I would have never gone to her that day to cheer her up; I’ve lied. Because I wouldn’t change it, because it was fun, because we were the happiest together… Because I loved her.
Lol. I’ve gotten carried away, once again rabbling on and on about something that needs to be left alone, needs to be… not forgotten, but put away just for now - just so I can feel ok about being without her. So I can move on. Then maybe I’ll think about her again.
Back to the purpose of this escapade… So I had this friendship, where I was content, where I always had fun, where no body else could touch me and it wouldn’t matter if no body cared coz for once I was happy. I forget what happened after that, getting better seemed to just creep up gradually when I didn’t notice. I moved schools with this girl and made new friends, had a new start, granted I screwed up my first year but it didn’t matter any more - coz I was doing something new, something different and it wasn’t about pitying myself.
I found all these letters from my friends back then, and you wanna know the main theme to all of them? ‘What’s wrong? Cheer up. Don’t be so sad. Why are you always upset?’ It made me angry to know that I wasted that time feeling sorry for myself when I could’ve been having fun. I know I’ve said it a few times before but what made it ok to know and recognise that there was something wrong was the fact that I knew that it wouldn’t always be this way, I wouldn’t be here for the rest of my life, there were other things I needed to do, more places I had to go, more people I had to meet. Good or bad.
I didn’t write this to make you feel sorry for me Jny, I wrote it so as maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone and maybe you’d know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it’s bigger and brighter than anything that’s making you feel this way now. You need to know that, yeah, there is something wrong if you’re feeling this way but it doesn’t make you a bad person and it is O. K. But don’t wallow in it for too long k? Coz we need you back here.
Also, if you needa listen to angry music, try Nickelback’s ‘Figured You Out’ and turn it up loud! None of this sissy half way up crap, I want it full volume so I can hear it all the way over here ok! It’s good anger music, and it’s got a feisty, sexy, love-hate vibe to it. Ok, maybe that’s just me but listen to it anyway and yell along with it! It’ll make ya feel better, promise.
I don’t think I need to rave on any more, I’ve done enough Dr. Phil for today I think. Jny thinks I should write a book, I think she’s insane; so we’re even. :o) lol. I hope I helped, even if it was just a little.
x x love ada x x
My eyes are red and sore, the skin beneath them is tight and my lips are chapped. Wow and it’s only 2pm, that’s a record. As you can guess I had another lovely heart-warming talk with my mother, you’d think I’d have learned by now; no good can come of them. To add insult to yesterday’s injury, I was informed that my mother’s ex had only bought me things because he wanted to buy my love, to get me on his side, to keep ‘a foot in the door’ as my mother calls it. To say to your own daughter that she was not worth the love of another person, that that other person was using her as a way to get to you, her mother… What would posses you to degrade your own child in such a way? But I guess that’s my mother for ya, always looking at the bright side of life, always there to put others before herself. I only wish you could hear the sarcasm in my voice.
Those words stung quite a bit, but not as bad as what she said next. She began shouting, screaming in my face that I was only on his side so he could live with us so I could scam gifts out of him. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know which one was worse; that I was undeserving of someone else’s love or that I used people myself. Tough choice, huh? I began to feel the tears in my eyes again and hated myself for being such a sissy. As dramatically as my little body could muster, lol, I clenched my teeth together and told her that I wasn’t going to let anything she said get to me any more. I was a child again, crossing my chubby little arms over my chest and pouting, telling her I didn't care if she took my toys away... I knew that what I said to her would never happen, things she said would always get to me, but I wanted her to know how much she was hurting me, and that I wanted it to stop. She refused to respond. We sat there in silence for a while, stopped at the traffic lights, but as soon as the lights went green I started on her again. I kept my voice low and tried to run it around my tears. I hate that about myself, I want to say something so bad it hurts but I cant say it because my stupid body breaks down in tears. I finally said it though, I finally told her that I’d never had a family before, I never had a dad. She didn’t feel sorry for me, instead she fumed that he wasn’t a good enough person to be a father to me, that he didn’t care about me, that he wasn’t dedicated. I yelled back at her that she didn’t know that coz she wasn’t me, she didn’t feel how I felt. And dedicated? Dedicated? While she was at work all day he took me to get my shots and blood tests at the hospital when I was sick, he hung out with me and bought me a DVD player coz I was bed-ridden, we watched DVD’s together and he went out and got me ice cream and bought me home these pink furry creatures to cheer me up - they’re so cute. He took me to get all my school things, believed in me enough not to care what it took to get me there but just as long as I did this year to the best of what I knew I could do. Because he wants the best for me, because he has hopes for me, he has hope in me. And she had the audacity to say he wasn’t dedicated?
Also, for her to tell me what I was doing, like I didn’t know myself, for her to say to me that I was using him. If I didn’t have PMS I would’ve screamed at her endlessly instead of sitting there crying. It’s not in my nature to cry, I’m an Aries. Fire sign, we have wicked hot tempers, trust me.
I had invited him to go to a car show with me ( I like my cars ) earlier that week but he was working, which was ok. I spat a rhetorical question at her and asked if I’d just invited him to that with me so I could get something out of it; if I only wanted him there to buy things for me? I mean, yeah, I don’t deny it’s nice to be spoilt one in a while but what was he gonna do, buy me a friggin car? Pfft! …She didn’t have an answer to that one either. For a second I felt pride wash over me, that I’d proved her wrong and she knew it. But then she said calmly that that was fine and she would just never let any one else come between us ever again. This pissed me off because she was doing the exact opposite to what I thought was right - this probably made her feel like she’d won. I looked out the window as the houses rolled by and told her there was no us any more. She’d ruined it. We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride home and although I’d won in a sense, it didn’t feel as good as it did before.
While I write this and re-think things and condemn myself for the things I said, while cursing her for the things she said - I’ve come up with an explanation as to why she said these things about me and her ex. She wants to break our bond; she wants me back on her side. I feel bad for deserting her. But I just know that she’s wrong about this one and I’m only trying to make her see. I wish she would just understand that I’m trying to make things good again, I suppose it has to get worse before it can get better - it’s always darkest before the dawn.
The thing with me and my mother is that we fight; a lot. Gee, state the obvious next time, huh? See, there’s always this underlying competition when we argue, that it becomes not about who’s point is right and who’s is wrong or which makes more sense but more about who wins and who loses. Sometimes I hate this about us, because we can’t ever just settle something, it always takes just that one step further and we’re battling it out to the death. It’s frustrating, let me tell you, and I’ve lived with it all my life. I want to change it but I still have the fire inside me, licking at my skin. And we’re both to stubborn to do anything any other way but the way we think is right. Maybe we’ll never change. I think this is due to the fact that she wants to control me, the same way her mother controlled her; by the way, they don’t even speak any more. I said to her something about something to do with my grandmother, if my mother would like me to treat her that way and she spoke with pure belief and told me that we would never be like that, it would be different with us. I brought this up whilst we were tearing into each other and yelled, you think we’re not gonna end up like that? Look where you’re pushing this! Look what you’re doing! She stayed dormant.
She doesn’t realise this, and if she did she’d probably kill herself but there are things she hates in her own mother that I see in her; she just doesn’t notice. I only hope that that doesn’t happen to me, that I’m always happy and that when I’m sad I’ll know when it’s time to move on and I won’t take that around with me for the rest of my life, like she has. She holds on to the past, bringing that pain from her last relationships into this one and ruining them because she can’t let that hurt slip away. It’s all she knows. I feel sorry for her, but I don’t want to be like her.
In another entry I wrote about one of my friends who was going through a kind of difficult time. [ I know! Writing about someone else’s problems for a change, go me. *shakes head* ] Anyway, I took this from her journal and wanted to reply to it here because when I read it I remembered all of the times I hated myself, and all of the times that, looking back now, were times that make me sick.
Although I’m grateful to be able to look back on them and not still be living them, it was only a short time ago and as much as I want to put miles and miles of distance between me and what I liked to call ‘it’; I still feel the monster in my veins and know how revolting it feels.
wow talk about pointless... i've been kinda off today. it's like... i dunno. and no one is on that i can talk to about it (mostly lauren) except for meagan. but oh well, i guess i just gotta deal with my shit alone, even though i'm always there for others. no one understands, they really don't. they say they do but they honestly don't. i hate it. i want someone to understand. is it normal to want something to be wrong with you? i wanna be diagnosed with depression, then at least i'd have a reason behind my moods. but yet i don't wanna do to a psychiatrist because they cost so much fuckin' money and don't even give a shit about you anyways. i'm so stressed out... i can feel my shoulders getting tighter and tighter. like all day today my back and neck and shoulders have been tense and they hurt. i don't wanna be like this. i don't like it when i'm like this. why can't i just be numb to all emotion? then nothing would ever bother me anymore. why can't i just have the guts to hurt myself? then people would notice that i'm NOT okay. everyone's so fuckin' blind about what i'm really feeling deep inside. they're all consumed in their own problems to even ever give a damn about mine. i always listen to everyone bitch and moan. when will it be my turn? i'm so tired of being strong for my friends. i'm tired of caring. i don't wanna care anymore. what can i do to stop caring? what can i do to be normal again?
I’m not gonna pretend that I understand, that I know exactly how it feels for you; because I’m not you, I don’t live your life and I dont know. But I know how it felt for me, like there was no one to help me, no one to make it better, no one who would understand, no one who wouldn’t just pretend like it was hormones and ‘teenage angst’. It felt more and more like no one knew me at all. And I hated that I was alone, that I was always there for everybody else but that no one was ever there for me. I didn’t know what caused me to float up and down so rapidly within my emotions, one minute I was ecstatic, the next minute I was frustrated with myself, and then the next I was miserable and alone. I remember it really well; always alone.
Nobody knew, and even if I did let them see, nobody cared. All I wanted was for someone to tell me what was wrong with me, to diagnose me, so if I finally knew what was wrong with me then maybe I could fix it. I wanted to talk to someone, a counsellor, a psychiatrist, someone who would listen and tell me that this wasn’t who I was, that I was someone better than these petty emotions made me out to be. But I felt like my problems were insignificant, I wasn’t raped or abused or even ignored, I was just me and I didn’t matter.
There were bigger things than what I had to worry about, like Cassie having a close friend die, or my mother having an operation, my grandparents in and out of hospital; everybody else’s problems were greater than mine. This was around the time when I would get angry with myself, that I wanted to hurt myself because my mind wouldn’t listen to me when I told it to get over whatever was making me do this and get on with life. It frustrated me to no end that I wouldn’t listen to myself. It sounds stupid. I didn’t wanna be how I was but yet I couldn’t change it. I despised it, I wanted all and any emotion to just go away and leave me alone, I didn’t mind that I wouldn’t be able to feel anything, not even happiness, I just wanted it gone. For always. Nothing else would get to me any more, it seemed like a great solution. There were times when I sat in the shower, trying to cut my self with my shaver. I kinda laugh at it now. But back then, I was far from laughter, I was willing myself to be strong, to cut deeper but I never had the guts, I thought I wanted to die, but I didn’t; I just wanted someone to care. To notice.
No one did. No one ever notices, even if you tell them, they pretend they feel for you, pretend like they really do care. But five minutes later it’s gone, they’ve run off to be with their boyfriend and you’re left sitting there going ‘But, wait, didn’t I just tell you I was hurting? Didn’t I just show you what I did to myself because of that hurt?’. It makes you angry when you see that you did so much for them, you were always there and yet when you’re at your very worst they can’t even be with you? Can’t even tell you that it’s ok? That they’ll stick around through the worst of it? That they won’t leave? I got angry at them because they didn’t understand, they didn’t give a god damn shit.
Then I was tired, tired of everything, sick of letting everything get to me, allowing things to tear me down inside. And I realised that things weren’t going to fix them and if I was alone then I was gonna have to get myself out of this alone. And I would, I would be ok… That didn’t last for long. It was only when I found a new friend that things started getting better. It’s funny though because that same friend is the girl who right now is plotting my demise inside her little brain. That exact same friend that I spoke about in my first entry; I have to laugh at this. It’s ironic, don’t ya think?
Anywho, this girl and I we had the most fun I’d had with anyone else, ever. I got to be a kid again and we were so alike - we were the same. We did everything together, had our own little world, laughed till our tummies ached, talked till our voices were gone, were together until our mothers thought it’d be nice to see the daughters again. We were literally >this< close. And although I know how it turned out and how I tell myself if I could do it again I would have never gone to her that day to cheer her up; I’ve lied. Because I wouldn’t change it, because it was fun, because we were the happiest together… Because I loved her.
Lol. I’ve gotten carried away, once again rabbling on and on about something that needs to be left alone, needs to be… not forgotten, but put away just for now - just so I can feel ok about being without her. So I can move on. Then maybe I’ll think about her again.
Back to the purpose of this escapade… So I had this friendship, where I was content, where I always had fun, where no body else could touch me and it wouldn’t matter if no body cared coz for once I was happy. I forget what happened after that, getting better seemed to just creep up gradually when I didn’t notice. I moved schools with this girl and made new friends, had a new start, granted I screwed up my first year but it didn’t matter any more - coz I was doing something new, something different and it wasn’t about pitying myself.
I found all these letters from my friends back then, and you wanna know the main theme to all of them? ‘What’s wrong? Cheer up. Don’t be so sad. Why are you always upset?’ It made me angry to know that I wasted that time feeling sorry for myself when I could’ve been having fun. I know I’ve said it a few times before but what made it ok to know and recognise that there was something wrong was the fact that I knew that it wouldn’t always be this way, I wouldn’t be here for the rest of my life, there were other things I needed to do, more places I had to go, more people I had to meet. Good or bad.
I didn’t write this to make you feel sorry for me Jny, I wrote it so as maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone and maybe you’d know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it’s bigger and brighter than anything that’s making you feel this way now. You need to know that, yeah, there is something wrong if you’re feeling this way but it doesn’t make you a bad person and it is O. K. But don’t wallow in it for too long k? Coz we need you back here.
Also, if you needa listen to angry music, try Nickelback’s ‘Figured You Out’ and turn it up loud! None of this sissy half way up crap, I want it full volume so I can hear it all the way over here ok! It’s good anger music, and it’s got a feisty, sexy, love-hate vibe to it. Ok, maybe that’s just me but listen to it anyway and yell along with it! It’ll make ya feel better, promise.
I don’t think I need to rave on any more, I’ve done enough Dr. Phil for today I think. Jny thinks I should write a book, I think she’s insane; so we’re even. :o) lol. I hope I helped, even if it was just a little.
x x love ada x x