My friends prologue, please comment

[anothersob]

It was a warm night in Kralenvic, despite the fact that winter was right at their doorstep. A full moon shone brightly, illuminating the Castle of the First, the stars twinkling brilliantly. Most slept soundly in such late hours, but one man stirred restlessly in his unkept bed. His dark matted hair covered most of his face; he lay sprawled out on

Comments

[rachraff]

I think it's good! Who is your friend?

[anothersob]

My friend Savanna who tends to write alot of her own stories but usually loses interest before finishing them. Either that or she just moves onto something new for a while then goes back to older works and adds a bit.

[moongirl1313]

so i just wrote a whole long thing and LJ ate it. I will re-write when I feel up to it... I have to try to remember.

a few notes...

[moongirl1313]

ok, so overall, it is good. It draws you right into the story, you "feel" just as exposed as the character is, since you have no prior knowledge.

Anyway, the last paragraph is what gets clunky. You start to TELL rather than SHOW, you have such a great opportunity to illustrate the brothers relationship, but instead you just toss it in there. Now, with such a limited slice, I do not know if that works better for the story, but I think that dropping that entirely, but highlight it in other ways, like Brian's thoughts of looking on a person he has known for every breath he has taken or something... I'll think on this some more.

also, about the names, they do not match. Something has to tie them together, either theme or era or origination. (I think maybe even a respelling of Bryan, may work). But the names are also an easy way to highlight a time period in a subtle and easy way.

maybe more to come, if I remember.