from the shallow to the sublime
five things i miss
- trash buddy
- sex
- rambling walks and rambling talks
- being a part of
- tomorrow
there are three ways to deal with pain (leaving aside masochism and the running and screaming). i have never had to deal with severe chronic pain, some mild chronic and some reasonable acute so i acknowledge the limits of my sample, but enough prevarication - onward
- the first is denial. everything from 'i don't want to look' that denies the painful event through stoicism that denies that it is bad to induced numbness.
pros - easy. immediate, almost instinctual
cons - leads nowhere and usually just dams stuff up. when it is overwhelmed the deluge can be harder to deal with than having simply gone through the experience more 'naturally'
- the second is dissociation. changing your _reaction_ and experience of pain. from Lawrence's 'it's the not minding' to intellectualising that all pain is simply sensory input and only habit and training has us deal with it as we do
pros - powerful. no upper limit to what it can deal with. great party trick
cons - if you _do_ set it automatic you have effectively removed your flinch response (and from experience that is bad). it is still an escape (for me an intellectual one). it does not really _deal_ with anything, it just sidesteps it.
- the third is to embrace it. take the moment and exist only in it. no before, so no memory of pain. no tomorrow, so nothing to anticipate. time stops and there is only now.
- pros - limit is tied rather more directly to capacity and avoids the potential for damage that dissociation brings. pain only lasts an instant.
- cons - that instant is an eternity. _hard_ to do, it takes a _lot_ to reach that level of equilibrium without letting the meat have its say, or fleeing to the ivory tower (or at least i find it so, but my struggle for unity is nothing new). maintaining a healthy 'dislike' for pain, while still accepting it for what it brings requires some careful fine tuning.
so, two weeks and i am doing damn well if i do say so myself. i have been through the denial (denial of pain, not circumstances). that lasted about a day before crumbling. i tried the dissociation and altering my reactions (apologies to those who spoke to me during that time, not everythgin was 'online' so to speak). limited success and even there i knew it was not healthy as i watched bits of myself fester.
letting go is freeing. recognising that my part in matters need now largely concern just myself is liberating. i can stop trying to find answers to the insoluble and concentrate on being a good friend. the pain of things passing, of things lost and hopes laid to rest - it is mine.
i could be numb, i have been in the past. i could be distant and reduce what this means but i choose to live hard and drink deeply. i am pain and it is me. not in that savage place i know so well where the berserk lives, lizard in the cave of ice that will not die. not that bleak wasteland with nothing but enemies and only how you die to make a difference. i do not welcome this pain, but it is mine and i will take form it what i can. already i can feel the changes, the growth.
things change and so do i.
this is life, i know it and have always known it but i experience the truth of it yet again. the paradox of acceptance and struggle.
i big thank you for those who have reached out, it has been important and i do and will still need it (so for those who missed out, don't fret *grin*). even if you may not think you have done much it has made a significant difference. i'll get around thanking you more personally and individually, but please accept this for now.
- trash buddy
- sex
- rambling walks and rambling talks
- being a part of
- tomorrow
there are three ways to deal with pain (leaving aside masochism and the running and screaming). i have never had to deal with severe chronic pain, some mild chronic and some reasonable acute so i acknowledge the limits of my sample, but enough prevarication - onward
- the first is denial. everything from 'i don't want to look' that denies the painful event through stoicism that denies that it is bad to induced numbness.
pros - easy. immediate, almost instinctual
cons - leads nowhere and usually just dams stuff up. when it is overwhelmed the deluge can be harder to deal with than having simply gone through the experience more 'naturally'
- the second is dissociation. changing your _reaction_ and experience of pain. from Lawrence's 'it's the not minding' to intellectualising that all pain is simply sensory input and only habit and training has us deal with it as we do
pros - powerful. no upper limit to what it can deal with. great party trick
cons - if you _do_ set it automatic you have effectively removed your flinch response (and from experience that is bad). it is still an escape (for me an intellectual one). it does not really _deal_ with anything, it just sidesteps it.
- the third is to embrace it. take the moment and exist only in it. no before, so no memory of pain. no tomorrow, so nothing to anticipate. time stops and there is only now.
- pros - limit is tied rather more directly to capacity and avoids the potential for damage that dissociation brings. pain only lasts an instant.
- cons - that instant is an eternity. _hard_ to do, it takes a _lot_ to reach that level of equilibrium without letting the meat have its say, or fleeing to the ivory tower (or at least i find it so, but my struggle for unity is nothing new). maintaining a healthy 'dislike' for pain, while still accepting it for what it brings requires some careful fine tuning.
so, two weeks and i am doing damn well if i do say so myself. i have been through the denial (denial of pain, not circumstances). that lasted about a day before crumbling. i tried the dissociation and altering my reactions (apologies to those who spoke to me during that time, not everythgin was 'online' so to speak). limited success and even there i knew it was not healthy as i watched bits of myself fester.
letting go is freeing. recognising that my part in matters need now largely concern just myself is liberating. i can stop trying to find answers to the insoluble and concentrate on being a good friend. the pain of things passing, of things lost and hopes laid to rest - it is mine.
i could be numb, i have been in the past. i could be distant and reduce what this means but i choose to live hard and drink deeply. i am pain and it is me. not in that savage place i know so well where the berserk lives, lizard in the cave of ice that will not die. not that bleak wasteland with nothing but enemies and only how you die to make a difference. i do not welcome this pain, but it is mine and i will take form it what i can. already i can feel the changes, the growth.
things change and so do i.
this is life, i know it and have always known it but i experience the truth of it yet again. the paradox of acceptance and struggle.
i big thank you for those who have reached out, it has been important and i do and will still need it (so for those who missed out, don't fret *grin*). even if you may not think you have done much it has made a significant difference. i'll get around thanking you more personally and individually, but please accept this for now.