[kami-zumo]
by llamabitchyo
Brooding Hens, Late-Blooming Plants, and Heian Beekeepers
Mitsuko frets. Her friends and her husband tell her not to; most things will take care of themselves if given enough time. But she cannot help but worry. She has only one son, and she no longer knows what to expect from him.
First, he started talking to himself all of the time. That was so unlike him. Hikaru hadn't had invisible friends when he was small and at the age for such things, so why does he seem to have one now? Next, there were the Go classes and then that strange cram school, and now he's going to be a Go professional? She doesn't understand that at all. Hasn't anyone realized? He's only a boy.
And that brings us to her latest concern: Hikaru is fourteen years old and he still doesn't seem to have entered puberty. Has she done something wrong? Is it his diet? Was there something that she should have been feeding him all of these years that she hadn't? What can she do now?
Poor Mitsuko. There is no way to explain to her that it is far, far better for everyone that Hikaru is a late-bloomer. Imagine, if you will, what would have happened if Hikaru had developed earlier. Imagine the conversations that she might have half-overheard then.
~
"Oh, Hikaru! I'm so--"
"Aaah! Not in the shower!"
"--proud! You're like a son to me and--"
"Stop looking at me! You know the rules. Not in the bathroom!"
"But you're becoming a man, and I always--"
"I'm not listening to you. No pants, no talky."
"Well... I suppose it can wait."
"It had better... Aw, man, now I've got shampoo in my eyes! If I go blind, it's all your fault!"
~
"Did you mean it? That I'm like a son to you?"
"Yes. You are. Like a student and a son. It is so exciting to see you stepping out into the future, and I am honored to have this chance to guide you, not only in Go, but in the ways of being a man."
"Oh... That's pretty nice. Thank you, Sai."
"You are most welcome, Hikaru."
"But um... Why did you bring it up when I was naked? That wasn't cool."
"Ah, but surely you have noticed the changes in your body recently. They are only the beginning of--"
"AHHHH! You've been looking at my boy parts! That's-- That's-- I'm showering in my underwear from now on!"
~
"Akari's a nice girl."
"Eh. I guess so."
"She's not a very good Go player, but she's shown a great willingness to learn."
"Whatever. Aren't we going to play?"
"In fact, she is a lot more interested in Go than you were at first."
"Sai, come on. Let's play."
"I think... Have you ever considered her for a sweetheart?"
"A sweetheart? Akari? Are you crazy? There's nothing sweet about her! She poured a bucket of sand on me when we were three years old. And when I got her back by putting a bug on her doll, do you know what she did? She hit me with it!"
"She hit you with a bug?"
"She hit me with her doll! It had a wooden head. There was blood all over! She left a permanent scar right here. Why do you think I do my hair like this? My hair turned white where she bludgeoned me!"
"Oh, my!"
"Yeah. So none of this sweetheart stuff, okay? It's not going to happen."
"But you're not three anymore, and you seem to have grown to be close friends."
"It was either make friends or fear her wrath forever. What would you have done?"
"Oh, I see. That was a good decision, Hikaru. It is better to cultivate friends than to cultivate enemies. But I think you'll find that she's outgrown the violence of her preschool years."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm still not interested in any sweethearts, so you can just buzz off, okay?"
~
"I'm only trying to help. You should know about these things now."
"Will you quit it? I'm not marrying anyone. I'm just going to play Go forever."
"Oh, Hikaru! It makes me so happy to hear you say that! It is a most worthy endeavor! But still, there comes a time in every man's life when he must take a wife. When that time comes, it will be easier for you both if you already know how to make her honey flow, for when there is--"
"'Honey'? What are you talking about?"
"--harmony in the marriage bed, there is harmony in--"
"Augh! No! What am I asking? I don't want to know!"
"But, Hikaru, a harmonious relationship between--"
"No! How many times must I say it? I don't want to know! And I don't care what sort of freaky things you all did back in Heian times, but this is now and my mom would kick my butt if I started pouring honey on my sheets, so you can just keep those weird ideas to yourself, okay?"
"Oh dear... Perhaps explaining these things is going to be much more difficult than I thought."
~
"I don't get it. You said that I'm on the path to becoming a man."
"That's right."
"But you keep asking me about girls."
"Well... yes. That is a part of growing up."
"But, Sai, I'm a little worried about you. Have you always been this confused? Does this explain the way you wear your hair?"
"I'm afraid I do not understand. What does my hair have to do--?"
"You do know that girls grow into women, right? Not men. Girls are women. Boys are men. Okay? Have you got it?"
"Oh... Hikaru, sometimes I despair of ever understanding you."
"Yeah, you're not the only one. But you do know that I'm a boy, right?"
~
"Ugh! Leave me alone! And if you ever mention the 'delicate petals of her flower' again, I'm going to be sick for a week and I'll never, ever let you play Go again!"
~
The Shindou family's peace of mind isn't the only thing that would have been at risk had Hikaru hit puberty earlier. We should also consider its ramifications for the future. Take, for instance, two years from now when Miss Ichikawa will offer Hikaru and Akira a plate of honey cakes to snack on as they begin their latest game.
Hikaru's eyes will grow nearly as big as the plate as he stares at the lovely young woman smiling at him. She will, of course, be smiling for Akira, but Hikaru, in his horror, will not realize this. All he will see is a woman, saying something about honey as she leans towards him. He will wig out, jumping from his chair and running from the salon like he is being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
Two days later, Akira will confront him at the Go Association and demand an explanation for his utter rudeness to Miss Ichikawa who has been nothing but kind to Hikaru from the day that they met. Hikaru will try to explain, but he will speak quietly and his explanation will be far from coherent. Akira will try to understand, but Hikaru is just so confusing sometimes and he'll be forced to ask for clarification and will Hikaru also please stop mumbling already?
Hikaru will grow more and more flustered until finally, he will blurt out, loudly enough for passersby to hear, "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how-- I can't-- Girls have bee hives and flowers in their secret parts, and I'm gay! All right?"
Ah, yes. It is much better for everyone that this scene will never take place. Let Hikaru come to that revelation at his own pace. Let him share it with Akira in private, at a time and location of their choice. In the meantime, all that we can do for Mitsuko is offer her a sympathetic ear and encourage her to enjoy the last days of Hikaru's childhood while she can.
Brooding Hens, Late-Blooming Plants, and Heian Beekeepers
Mitsuko frets. Her friends and her husband tell her not to; most things will take care of themselves if given enough time. But she cannot help but worry. She has only one son, and she no longer knows what to expect from him.
First, he started talking to himself all of the time. That was so unlike him. Hikaru hadn't had invisible friends when he was small and at the age for such things, so why does he seem to have one now? Next, there were the Go classes and then that strange cram school, and now he's going to be a Go professional? She doesn't understand that at all. Hasn't anyone realized? He's only a boy.
And that brings us to her latest concern: Hikaru is fourteen years old and he still doesn't seem to have entered puberty. Has she done something wrong? Is it his diet? Was there something that she should have been feeding him all of these years that she hadn't? What can she do now?
Poor Mitsuko. There is no way to explain to her that it is far, far better for everyone that Hikaru is a late-bloomer. Imagine, if you will, what would have happened if Hikaru had developed earlier. Imagine the conversations that she might have half-overheard then.
~
"Oh, Hikaru! I'm so--"
"Aaah! Not in the shower!"
"--proud! You're like a son to me and--"
"Stop looking at me! You know the rules. Not in the bathroom!"
"But you're becoming a man, and I always--"
"I'm not listening to you. No pants, no talky."
"Well... I suppose it can wait."
"It had better... Aw, man, now I've got shampoo in my eyes! If I go blind, it's all your fault!"
~
"Did you mean it? That I'm like a son to you?"
"Yes. You are. Like a student and a son. It is so exciting to see you stepping out into the future, and I am honored to have this chance to guide you, not only in Go, but in the ways of being a man."
"Oh... That's pretty nice. Thank you, Sai."
"You are most welcome, Hikaru."
"But um... Why did you bring it up when I was naked? That wasn't cool."
"Ah, but surely you have noticed the changes in your body recently. They are only the beginning of--"
"AHHHH! You've been looking at my boy parts! That's-- That's-- I'm showering in my underwear from now on!"
~
"Akari's a nice girl."
"Eh. I guess so."
"She's not a very good Go player, but she's shown a great willingness to learn."
"Whatever. Aren't we going to play?"
"In fact, she is a lot more interested in Go than you were at first."
"Sai, come on. Let's play."
"I think... Have you ever considered her for a sweetheart?"
"A sweetheart? Akari? Are you crazy? There's nothing sweet about her! She poured a bucket of sand on me when we were three years old. And when I got her back by putting a bug on her doll, do you know what she did? She hit me with it!"
"She hit you with a bug?"
"She hit me with her doll! It had a wooden head. There was blood all over! She left a permanent scar right here. Why do you think I do my hair like this? My hair turned white where she bludgeoned me!"
"Oh, my!"
"Yeah. So none of this sweetheart stuff, okay? It's not going to happen."
"But you're not three anymore, and you seem to have grown to be close friends."
"It was either make friends or fear her wrath forever. What would you have done?"
"Oh, I see. That was a good decision, Hikaru. It is better to cultivate friends than to cultivate enemies. But I think you'll find that she's outgrown the violence of her preschool years."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm still not interested in any sweethearts, so you can just buzz off, okay?"
~
"I'm only trying to help. You should know about these things now."
"Will you quit it? I'm not marrying anyone. I'm just going to play Go forever."
"Oh, Hikaru! It makes me so happy to hear you say that! It is a most worthy endeavor! But still, there comes a time in every man's life when he must take a wife. When that time comes, it will be easier for you both if you already know how to make her honey flow, for when there is--"
"'Honey'? What are you talking about?"
"--harmony in the marriage bed, there is harmony in--"
"Augh! No! What am I asking? I don't want to know!"
"But, Hikaru, a harmonious relationship between--"
"No! How many times must I say it? I don't want to know! And I don't care what sort of freaky things you all did back in Heian times, but this is now and my mom would kick my butt if I started pouring honey on my sheets, so you can just keep those weird ideas to yourself, okay?"
"Oh dear... Perhaps explaining these things is going to be much more difficult than I thought."
~
"I don't get it. You said that I'm on the path to becoming a man."
"That's right."
"But you keep asking me about girls."
"Well... yes. That is a part of growing up."
"But, Sai, I'm a little worried about you. Have you always been this confused? Does this explain the way you wear your hair?"
"I'm afraid I do not understand. What does my hair have to do--?"
"You do know that girls grow into women, right? Not men. Girls are women. Boys are men. Okay? Have you got it?"
"Oh... Hikaru, sometimes I despair of ever understanding you."
"Yeah, you're not the only one. But you do know that I'm a boy, right?"
~
"Ugh! Leave me alone! And if you ever mention the 'delicate petals of her flower' again, I'm going to be sick for a week and I'll never, ever let you play Go again!"
~
The Shindou family's peace of mind isn't the only thing that would have been at risk had Hikaru hit puberty earlier. We should also consider its ramifications for the future. Take, for instance, two years from now when Miss Ichikawa will offer Hikaru and Akira a plate of honey cakes to snack on as they begin their latest game.
Hikaru's eyes will grow nearly as big as the plate as he stares at the lovely young woman smiling at him. She will, of course, be smiling for Akira, but Hikaru, in his horror, will not realize this. All he will see is a woman, saying something about honey as she leans towards him. He will wig out, jumping from his chair and running from the salon like he is being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
Two days later, Akira will confront him at the Go Association and demand an explanation for his utter rudeness to Miss Ichikawa who has been nothing but kind to Hikaru from the day that they met. Hikaru will try to explain, but he will speak quietly and his explanation will be far from coherent. Akira will try to understand, but Hikaru is just so confusing sometimes and he'll be forced to ask for clarification and will Hikaru also please stop mumbling already?
Hikaru will grow more and more flustered until finally, he will blurt out, loudly enough for passersby to hear, "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how-- I can't-- Girls have bee hives and flowers in their secret parts, and I'm gay! All right?"
Ah, yes. It is much better for everyone that this scene will never take place. Let Hikaru come to that revelation at his own pace. Let him share it with Akira in private, at a time and location of their choice. In the meantime, all that we can do for Mitsuko is offer her a sympathetic ear and encourage her to enjoy the last days of Hikaru's childhood while she can.