Another Unsent Letter
Dear Matt,
To every guy that I have held unrealistic hopes for I have written a letter. Out of all of the letters written only one has ever been sent. I think I need to write the letter in order truly close the present dysfunctional chapter so that I might move on to the next. Usually the letter is written when I am feeling overly emotive and will try to explain my actions, plead for something or express anger. Usually the anger is directed at myself for wanting so badly to feel understood. I end up feeling shame about my actions being misunderstood.
The anger has subsided. You know how hooked in I am when I feel misunderstood and have used it many times to reel me back into the text world. The other hook I know that you are aware of is that I am not rejecting but accepting of all of you. That is maybe I don’t understand but I will always try. When I am accused of not getting it I have been reeled me back in on many occasions. I don’t mean to make you sound manipulative I know they are MY reactions to things. I was fully involved in our interaction. I take my share of responsibility.
In the end I have to draw the line at the lying. That is another hook of mine. I feel hurt because I don’t know where I stand with you. I am not sure which bits are fictions and which are the truth. I have an intuition about a great deal of it. I have beliefs in what you think and feel and have done. I have no way of knowing because I don’t know when it is you choose to be truthful and when you are living in fantasy. I know that you manner is set, and I will never know the real mystery that is you. For instance what made you decide to use this buffer to deter closeness with people? I am very curious to know what the story is with your family. I suspect your resolve to keep people at bay might have something to do with them. I shouldn’t speculate, it is pointless. What I do know from experience is that not being close with anyone is terrifyingly lonely. It breaks my heart to remember the feeling and to think you have chosen this as a way to live. As someone who in her own way withdrawn from society innumerable times, I can relate to how agonisingly painful meaningful human interactions can be.
At this point I would write some strange plea for on going friendship. Unfortunately I comprehend the improbability of any such request eventuating. For my own benefit, I need to express that I am always available to you emotionally. I am stubborn and I care, and I will care till I am twisted old woman with no teeth. That is just how I am and have always been. I guess it makes me sad that the reason I am no longer present in your life in any form is that I got too close. It makes me sad because I would never intentionally cause you harm. I know that your façade is something you are very close to and it’s dreadful to have someone peer past it occasionally. I wonder if it would make it any easier if I reminded you that I shared something with you that I have been very carefully hiding from the world. I just want to say that my sisterly affection is there if you ever need, or want. I available even to do something superficial like catch a flick or have a beer. I enjoy you Matt your very funny, creative, and look at there world in different way. Don’t forget your worth. I hope this letter is taken with affection and regard that it was intended.
Love,
caroline
To every guy that I have held unrealistic hopes for I have written a letter. Out of all of the letters written only one has ever been sent. I think I need to write the letter in order truly close the present dysfunctional chapter so that I might move on to the next. Usually the letter is written when I am feeling overly emotive and will try to explain my actions, plead for something or express anger. Usually the anger is directed at myself for wanting so badly to feel understood. I end up feeling shame about my actions being misunderstood.
The anger has subsided. You know how hooked in I am when I feel misunderstood and have used it many times to reel me back into the text world. The other hook I know that you are aware of is that I am not rejecting but accepting of all of you. That is maybe I don’t understand but I will always try. When I am accused of not getting it I have been reeled me back in on many occasions. I don’t mean to make you sound manipulative I know they are MY reactions to things. I was fully involved in our interaction. I take my share of responsibility.
In the end I have to draw the line at the lying. That is another hook of mine. I feel hurt because I don’t know where I stand with you. I am not sure which bits are fictions and which are the truth. I have an intuition about a great deal of it. I have beliefs in what you think and feel and have done. I have no way of knowing because I don’t know when it is you choose to be truthful and when you are living in fantasy. I know that you manner is set, and I will never know the real mystery that is you. For instance what made you decide to use this buffer to deter closeness with people? I am very curious to know what the story is with your family. I suspect your resolve to keep people at bay might have something to do with them. I shouldn’t speculate, it is pointless. What I do know from experience is that not being close with anyone is terrifyingly lonely. It breaks my heart to remember the feeling and to think you have chosen this as a way to live. As someone who in her own way withdrawn from society innumerable times, I can relate to how agonisingly painful meaningful human interactions can be.
At this point I would write some strange plea for on going friendship. Unfortunately I comprehend the improbability of any such request eventuating. For my own benefit, I need to express that I am always available to you emotionally. I am stubborn and I care, and I will care till I am twisted old woman with no teeth. That is just how I am and have always been. I guess it makes me sad that the reason I am no longer present in your life in any form is that I got too close. It makes me sad because I would never intentionally cause you harm. I know that your façade is something you are very close to and it’s dreadful to have someone peer past it occasionally. I wonder if it would make it any easier if I reminded you that I shared something with you that I have been very carefully hiding from the world. I just want to say that my sisterly affection is there if you ever need, or want. I available even to do something superficial like catch a flick or have a beer. I enjoy you Matt your very funny, creative, and look at there world in different way. Don’t forget your worth. I hope this letter is taken with affection and regard that it was intended.
Love,
caroline