Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Whee! I had to share these quotes because they amuse me. Actually, Dave Barry in general amuses me.
Holy Mooks this entry got long!
"Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face"
"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid"
Other quotes
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
-- from "The Skier's Dictionary
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
-- from "The Skier's Dictionary
"What's the good of having mastery over cosmic balance and knowing the
secrets of fate if you can't blow something up?"
-- Terry Pratchett, "Reaper Man"
"Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it."
-- Marshall McLuhan
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, today. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
-- Fred Barling, Humorscope
There once was a fellow from Xiangling
Whose greatest delight was in mangling
Poems. He would drop
Words between lines and lop
Their ends off, and leave readers dang
-- Elliott Moreton
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called
adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
BA: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I
add two more beans. What does that make.
B: A very small casserole.
BA: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try
again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
B: THree.
BA: What?
B: And that one.
BA: Three...and that one. So if I add that one to the three, what will I
have?
B: Some beans.
BA: Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was soemthing that just
happened to other people, wasn't it?
"A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a
bar. The bartender says, 'This has got to be the weirdest joke I've
ever been in...'"
"... doing what men do normally... bonding... endlessly congratulating each
other... and wandering around in small groups looking for something to
break..."
-- Robin Williams, World Series Debating,
"That there is life beyond Earth"
"20% of all road accidents in Sweden involve a moose."
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
'Why not go to Jupiter?' asked St. Peter.
'No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,' said God.
'Well, how about Mercury?'
'No, it's too hot there.'
'Okay,' said St. Peter, 'What about Earth?'
'No,' said God, 'They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it.'
"My boss is my inverse chaperone. He checks up on me to see if I'm doing anything, and if I'm not he tells me to do something."
Everyday we're told we live in the greatest country on earth and it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60x80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans too, none of which are 'We're number two! - Dave Sedaris, "Me Talk Pretty One Day "
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark.
And did two loads of laundry.
"In the beginning there was nothing... which exploded."
-- The shortened Big Bang theory
"You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!"
-- Alastair J. R. Young
"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm ends
up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are forever."
-- The Laws of Physics
"Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other... er... um..."
"There are no problems that cannot be solved by the judicious use of high
explosives."
The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature,
humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
-- Larry Wall
"Excellent, there's nothing quite like a blunt object to reinforce proper
administration ethics."
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before. - Mae West (1892-1980)
Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin
Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired; suicide is your way of telling life you quit.
Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.
Latin lesson for the day:
~I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. - Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
~I have a catapult. Give me all your money or I shall fling a very large rock at you. - Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
~Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound - Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur
Holy Mooks this entry got long!
"Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face"
"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid"
Other quotes
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
-- from "The Skier's Dictionary
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
-- from "The Skier's Dictionary
"What's the good of having mastery over cosmic balance and knowing the
secrets of fate if you can't blow something up?"
-- Terry Pratchett, "Reaper Man"
"Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it."
-- Marshall McLuhan
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, today. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
-- Fred Barling, Humorscope
There once was a fellow from Xiangling
Whose greatest delight was in mangling
Poems. He would drop
Words between lines and lop
Their ends off, and leave readers dang
-- Elliott Moreton
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called
adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
BA: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I
add two more beans. What does that make.
B: A very small casserole.
BA: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try
again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
B: THree.
BA: What?
B: And that one.
BA: Three...and that one. So if I add that one to the three, what will I
have?
B: Some beans.
BA: Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was soemthing that just
happened to other people, wasn't it?
"A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a
bar. The bartender says, 'This has got to be the weirdest joke I've
ever been in...'"
"... doing what men do normally... bonding... endlessly congratulating each
other... and wandering around in small groups looking for something to
break..."
-- Robin Williams, World Series Debating,
"That there is life beyond Earth"
"20% of all road accidents in Sweden involve a moose."
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
'Why not go to Jupiter?' asked St. Peter.
'No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,' said God.
'Well, how about Mercury?'
'No, it's too hot there.'
'Okay,' said St. Peter, 'What about Earth?'
'No,' said God, 'They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it.'
"My boss is my inverse chaperone. He checks up on me to see if I'm doing anything, and if I'm not he tells me to do something."
Everyday we're told we live in the greatest country on earth and it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60x80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans too, none of which are 'We're number two! - Dave Sedaris, "Me Talk Pretty One Day "
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark.
And did two loads of laundry.
"In the beginning there was nothing... which exploded."
-- The shortened Big Bang theory
"You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!"
-- Alastair J. R. Young
"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm ends
up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are forever."
-- The Laws of Physics
"Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other... er... um..."
"There are no problems that cannot be solved by the judicious use of high
explosives."
The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature,
humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
-- Larry Wall
"Excellent, there's nothing quite like a blunt object to reinforce proper
administration ethics."
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before. - Mae West (1892-1980)
Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin
Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired; suicide is your way of telling life you quit.
Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.
Latin lesson for the day:
~I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. - Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
~I have a catapult. Give me all your money or I shall fling a very large rock at you. - Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
~Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound - Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur