♦ → [ Forty Three ]
According to Kanda, Master is here in the City.
...it's been almost a year since he was here. But almost ten days since he... Since... he vanished, I suppose.
I'm actually scared of seeing him or speaking to him myself. I don't know what I'll do. I want to scream at him, ask him what the hell he's trying to do, tell him to stop messing around like this.
But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what else he might say, that I'll shout at him and say something I don't mean... or something that isn't me. Or punch him. Or... I don't know. It's the fact I don't know that is scaring me.
What I said is true - I will not let the knowledge of me being the 14th's vessel pull me under. I won't drown under it no matter how hard it tries to change me, I'll stay myself. I'll still be me, I'll still be Allen.
...Allen Walker.
The name Mana gave it to me, the 14th's brother. Heh... thinking about it makes me feel sick and uncomfortable. And I know why it does, because I can't even figure out whether the one family member I ever hard, the other father I ever knew, when he told me he loved me... Did he mean me, Allen Walker, the boy he'd adopted... Or him. The 14th. His brother.
What's worse is I will never know. It's not like I can go ask Mana or anything, if I could everything would be so much easier. And I can't-- or don't want to ask Master. It's so childish, but I don't want to know any more. I want to cover my ears and close my eyes and just bury myself, engulf myself in memories of myself and avoid anything that could let him get his fingers in or a foot hole to climb to the surface.
I don't want to become nothing.
It's been so long since the Noah were here, too. Maybe that's gotten me uncomfortable as well. I'm not afraid of either of them, but I am afraid of what they may do. I can't let them hurt anyone, but even then it's too late, isn't it? It's my fault that Road-- That Lenalee...
It was because of what happened to Tyki. But to keep returning the 'favour' would just make this vicious circle.
And yet... Ugh. I hate this.
I hate this... At times like this I'd wonder what Mana might have said to combat these feels but now... I don't know.
I should find Tim... But I'll bet I know where he is.
---
Has anyone seen a little yellow-gold golem? He's got a tail and wings and er... he looks like this kind of... I'm no artist and he's called Timcampy. He came with me to the City this time but I can't find him now...
[ Exorcist Filter; ]
Is everyone okay? I know that Tyki and Road have been network active but have they tried to meet anyone in person recently?
---
[ooc; Well, the tl;dr was supposed to be private but he's affected so oops X);; Exorcist filter doesn't count because it's not supposed to be internal? >3 *cheat* My dad's birthday today so I might suddenly drop off tags for family meal, but I shall return and catch them later, I promise~ ♥ All strikes in comments are actually viewable! ]
...it's been almost a year since he was here. But almost ten days since he... Since... he vanished, I suppose.
I'm actually scared of seeing him or speaking to him myself. I don't know what I'll do. I want to scream at him, ask him what the hell he's trying to do, tell him to stop messing around like this.
But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what else he might say, that I'll shout at him and say something I don't mean... or something that isn't me. Or punch him. Or... I don't know. It's the fact I don't know that is scaring me.
What I said is true - I will not let the knowledge of me being the 14th's vessel pull me under. I won't drown under it no matter how hard it tries to change me, I'll stay myself. I'll still be me, I'll still be Allen.
...Allen Walker.
The name Mana gave it to me, the 14th's brother. Heh... thinking about it makes me feel sick and uncomfortable. And I know why it does, because I can't even figure out whether the one family member I ever hard, the other father I ever knew, when he told me he loved me... Did he mean me, Allen Walker, the boy he'd adopted... Or him. The 14th. His brother.
What's worse is I will never know. It's not like I can go ask Mana or anything, if I could everything would be so much easier. And I can't-- or don't want to ask Master. It's so childish, but I don't want to know any more. I want to cover my ears and close my eyes and just bury myself, engulf myself in memories of myself and avoid anything that could let him get his fingers in or a foot hole to climb to the surface.
I don't want to become nothing.
It's been so long since the Noah were here, too. Maybe that's gotten me uncomfortable as well. I'm not afraid of either of them, but I am afraid of what they may do. I can't let them hurt anyone, but even then it's too late, isn't it? It's my fault that Road-- That Lenalee...
It was because of what happened to Tyki. But to keep returning the 'favour' would just make this vicious circle.
And yet... Ugh. I hate this.
I hate this... At times like this I'd wonder what Mana might have said to combat these feels but now... I don't know.
I should find Tim... But I'll bet I know where he is.
---
Has anyone seen a little yellow-gold golem? He's got a tail and wings and er... he looks like this kind of... I'm no artist and he's called Timcampy. He came with me to the City this time but I can't find him now...
[ Exorcist Filter; ]
Is everyone okay? I know that Tyki and Road have been network active but have they tried to meet anyone in person recently?
---
[ooc; Well, the tl;dr was supposed to be private but he's affected so oops X);; Exorcist filter doesn't count because it's not supposed to be internal? >3 *cheat* My dad's birthday today so I might suddenly drop off tags for family meal, but I shall return and catch them later, I promise~ ♥ All strikes in comments are actually viewable! ]