(no subject)
I wrote this essay for English class. Please keep in mind that the issue is addressed in a satirical and sarcastic manner. Hopefully you will find it just as amusing as my teacher did -- I got an A on this paper. :D
In today's society, people are becoming more open about their sexuality. Homosexuals are beginning to be recognized as human beings, and not as the blasphemous scum of the earth they were once viewed to be. Men and women are collectively acknowledging their homosexuality in growing numbers. The problem is they also want to get married. Now, why would homosexuals want to get married? They claim to be in love, or they want a tax break, or they just want to be treated like everyone else. If homosexuals were allowed to have marriages, the entire United States would fall apart. Joe and Steve or Mary and Barbara tying the knot could be as lethal as nuclear war.
Humans are biologically programmed to be attracted to the opposite sex. This being said, homosexuality is unnatural and should be outlawed. In fact, anything unnatural should be outlawed. Things like polyester, contact lenses, makeup, birth control, plastic, haircuts, shaving, deodorant, toothbrushes, blood donations, organ transplants, vacuum cleaners, light bulbs…the list is endless, and the grim possibilities they present involving our demise are frightening. These unnatural items, along with the practice of homosexuality, are a danger to our society. Anything not derived from nature is an ultimate path to destruction. The very existence of the United States is at stake. As a matter of fact, the computer I'm typing this on is sucking out my brain and corrupting my very soul!
Another problem that homosexual marriage presents is that it is not supported by religion. The morals and values of one religion are imposed upon the entire country for the good of the nation. This is why the United States only has one religion. In the holy book it states that homosexuality is deemed an unforgivable sin by God. Anyone who so much looks at the same sex in the wrong way will immediately feel the painful wrath of the Almighty. I can actually speak from experience on this one - just a few weekends ago, as I was strolling along the Mall in Washington, D.C., I spotted a male couple holding hands. In plain view of all who were around, God's hand thrust out of the sky and beat the both of them to a bloody pulp. I'm rather glad He set an example for everyone, because in our theocracy, everyone must follow the word of God or they will suffer the consequences.
Gay marriage will also crumble the foundations of heterosexual marriage. It is an institution that has been around for centuries, remaining unchanged through the test of time. The way blacks are forbidden to marry whites, the way women are treated as property, and the way divorce is illegal - these are the things that truly define a marriage between a man and a woman. If you suddenly allow people of the same sex to marry, it will diminish the meaning of a marriage between a man and a woman. After all, Britney Spears was once married for 55 hours; it was probably by far one of the most meaningful experiences of her life. Removing the sentiments and meaning from marriage would open the door to crazy behavior as well. Because dogs, cats, horses, rodents, and reptiles have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract, people may begin marrying their pets. The institution of marriage could literally become a three-ring circus.
Since there would be so many negative consequences to allowing homosexual marriage, I propose that the United States allow civil unions between people of the same sex. Throughout our nation's history, separate but equal institutions have always been constitutional. Segregation in schools, for example, worked out perfectly fine for both blacks and whites. In fact, segregation should be imposed upon the gay community. They could have their own separate schools, banks, malls, water fountains, and restaurants. Actually, it would probably be of benefit to create a compound to send all of our nation's homosexuals. Unfortunately, that might be an expensive option. We would need to fence them in, and fencing and barbed wire isn't exactly cheap these days. Perhaps we would have to alter our nation's budget - it's not like schools or the armed forces are actually using the money we give them. If we physically removed all gay people from our country, homosexuals would no longer endanger our society, our morals, or our marriages.
To the common person, homosexual marriage might seem like a good idea. After being aware of the imposing chaos gay marriage could cause, it is quite obvious that the issue is an immediate threat to the United States and its society.
In today's society, people are becoming more open about their sexuality. Homosexuals are beginning to be recognized as human beings, and not as the blasphemous scum of the earth they were once viewed to be. Men and women are collectively acknowledging their homosexuality in growing numbers. The problem is they also want to get married. Now, why would homosexuals want to get married? They claim to be in love, or they want a tax break, or they just want to be treated like everyone else. If homosexuals were allowed to have marriages, the entire United States would fall apart. Joe and Steve or Mary and Barbara tying the knot could be as lethal as nuclear war.
Humans are biologically programmed to be attracted to the opposite sex. This being said, homosexuality is unnatural and should be outlawed. In fact, anything unnatural should be outlawed. Things like polyester, contact lenses, makeup, birth control, plastic, haircuts, shaving, deodorant, toothbrushes, blood donations, organ transplants, vacuum cleaners, light bulbs…the list is endless, and the grim possibilities they present involving our demise are frightening. These unnatural items, along with the practice of homosexuality, are a danger to our society. Anything not derived from nature is an ultimate path to destruction. The very existence of the United States is at stake. As a matter of fact, the computer I'm typing this on is sucking out my brain and corrupting my very soul!
Another problem that homosexual marriage presents is that it is not supported by religion. The morals and values of one religion are imposed upon the entire country for the good of the nation. This is why the United States only has one religion. In the holy book it states that homosexuality is deemed an unforgivable sin by God. Anyone who so much looks at the same sex in the wrong way will immediately feel the painful wrath of the Almighty. I can actually speak from experience on this one - just a few weekends ago, as I was strolling along the Mall in Washington, D.C., I spotted a male couple holding hands. In plain view of all who were around, God's hand thrust out of the sky and beat the both of them to a bloody pulp. I'm rather glad He set an example for everyone, because in our theocracy, everyone must follow the word of God or they will suffer the consequences.
Gay marriage will also crumble the foundations of heterosexual marriage. It is an institution that has been around for centuries, remaining unchanged through the test of time. The way blacks are forbidden to marry whites, the way women are treated as property, and the way divorce is illegal - these are the things that truly define a marriage between a man and a woman. If you suddenly allow people of the same sex to marry, it will diminish the meaning of a marriage between a man and a woman. After all, Britney Spears was once married for 55 hours; it was probably by far one of the most meaningful experiences of her life. Removing the sentiments and meaning from marriage would open the door to crazy behavior as well. Because dogs, cats, horses, rodents, and reptiles have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract, people may begin marrying their pets. The institution of marriage could literally become a three-ring circus.
Since there would be so many negative consequences to allowing homosexual marriage, I propose that the United States allow civil unions between people of the same sex. Throughout our nation's history, separate but equal institutions have always been constitutional. Segregation in schools, for example, worked out perfectly fine for both blacks and whites. In fact, segregation should be imposed upon the gay community. They could have their own separate schools, banks, malls, water fountains, and restaurants. Actually, it would probably be of benefit to create a compound to send all of our nation's homosexuals. Unfortunately, that might be an expensive option. We would need to fence them in, and fencing and barbed wire isn't exactly cheap these days. Perhaps we would have to alter our nation's budget - it's not like schools or the armed forces are actually using the money we give them. If we physically removed all gay people from our country, homosexuals would no longer endanger our society, our morals, or our marriages.
To the common person, homosexual marriage might seem like a good idea. After being aware of the imposing chaos gay marriage could cause, it is quite obvious that the issue is an immediate threat to the United States and its society.