head versus heart
don't send a helping hand; I need a battering ram
I lie in bed every night, wrapping my blanket around me thinking that it will be a good enough shield to protect me from the war going on outside. But I keep forgetting that the war is inside me; a war of head versus heart.
Heart plays offense: slowly, stealthily, silently; pumping poison through my veins. Poison with delayed yet instantaneous effect: it takes its time to set in and when I least expect it, it tears through my blood-carrying vessels with a searing hot pain that burns me from the inside out. Poison made with the little electric shocks I get when your arm brushes against mine; made with the bubbly froth that slowly accumulated with every kind word you said to me; made with every tiny thought of the things we could do if we were in love.
Head plays defense: building a wall of words that it hopes will be strong enough to withstand the feelings that come like a tsunami. Words that it hopes will be convincing enough to deceive the heart; to dilute the poison till it becomes nothing but a mixture harmless enough to swallow. A wall with cracks here and there; deep down I know this is because the words I think of aren't sincere, aren't real and just not convincing enough after all. But I am afraid of admitting that.
Every night the poison from my heart reaches my head, seeps through the cracks in the wall made with words cemented with denial and regret. The little people they always show operating the machinery in the room that's supposed to be your brain frantically run around grabbing all the blunt unsaid words and hurriedly try to sharpen them so that they can use them as swords to fight the poison that's slowly seeping in and is forming a horrendous deformed blob that's supposed to be my feelings. It is only when the horrible thing is about to devour the little people that the knight in shining armor, sleep, comes along and slays the terrible poison-based creature.
and it is only after all these pathetic attempts at surviving this war that I realize; there is a way to end it.
simply self-destruct.