Can you review and spork my story?

[ssbob90]

Is it ok if I post my story (to which I want to publish once completed) for review/sporking

https://www.wattpad.com/story/154904336-arkalion-of-iron-and-mystic-obscuraAny critism and praise are welcome (if I can't post it here please direct me to a proper posting group and I will delete this entry

Comments

[ssbob90]

Thanks for the reply but do have any advice for these?

I want the prologue to set in the context on how the mc found the mcguffin is there a better way then Paolinis and how to do sentence structure?

[predak123]

I would like to echo what TT said; I think it's dope that you're looking for feedback.

"I want the prologue to set in the context on how the mc found the mcguffin is there a better way then Paolinis"

There are hundreds of ways to write it differently than Paolini's book. Are you much of a reader? I'm wondering if it might be beneficial for you to read as much fantasy as you can, not just Paolini, and that will start giving you a "vocabulary" of tropes and ideas to construct your own stories from. I'm not advocating plagiarism, here, I'm saying that if you know more of the fantasy genre's conventions, you'll wind up leaning less on the works of Chris Pao.

Who is your main character? I'd want to say that it's the magus character, but it's difficult to tell

[predak123]

Specifically, for your story; you're good at describing actions, but I don't feel like there's much emotion in the writing. I don't get a sense from reading this of how the magus feels about his situation or what kind of person he is. Writing is a lot about tone and context clues. I'm going to rework your first couple sentences to show some examples of how you might be able to add some emotion and dimension to your writing. I'm going to try rewriting your first paragraph to establish various moods. I'm no great writer, mind, these are just my mediocre suggestions

[cmdrnemo]

Okay, I can give this a bit of a go. I also suck at the technical stuff. Thank Gord for editors. Forgive me if this sounds harsh. It isn't meant to be

[cmdrnemo]

Oh, generally a convoy is ships. A caravan is on land. This isn't super solid and may be a local thing. Suffice to say I had a moment of confusion when the convoy peeps were in a forest

[cmdrnemo]

Do goblins actually shrink in terror? Ant-goblins of fear? That's pretty silly. Oh, goblin should be plural there. Right now only one of the goblins shrinks. Which is even sillier. And magus dude, either kill the goblin or don't. Don't threaten it and stop just shy. Speaking of Vader, you know why he was such a great villain? Many reasons. Big one. Dude would commit. He didn't stop choking people just because. Once he set about starting to kill someone it took some force to stop him. This story feels like you are going for a Vader but, all you've got is Stewie in a goth costume.

Mentioning the six goblins is an obvious effort to maintain continuity. Which I approve of. But, this story is very lacking in other details. You are precise where you can afford to be vague and vague where you need to be precise. So the result of that final number just tells me you can count.

[ssbob90]

Thank for the constructed critisms I'll put in into use. Here are some bit of context
The magus and his warband was actually beside them at least 10 feet away (I blame myself for not giving that in the chapter)
The estoc is actually guided by his familiar(the dark aura was his familiar in the blade I should have explained that better)

And can you give me some advice on how should i make the spell system work then?

[ssbob90]

Yes I know from seeing a previous live journal entry(I think it was from brisingr spork?)

[bewdtamer19]

Yeah, that was most likely me.

[ssbob90]

Thank you

Note: what are your opinions of chapter 13 to 17?