*knock on wood* lets not jinx myself, as well as recording these contenplations....
My mind has been working a mile a minute... But its not that sad, I mean of course some of these thoughts are sad... but Its not as bad as it usually is. Its more logical contenplation. Hmm.
I was ridding the bus and happened to spy a roof, slanted and blue-ish. I remembered being with Toria in that tim's and well... of course I was sad but it was no where near as sharp... and I remembered her and I remembered all her broken promises and I remember her saying that I was her first love and I'm special to her.... and I dont know weither to be insulted or not. I mean... oh she thinks I'm special does she? Well I think she broke her promise. She promised that if my worst fear came true she would be with me through it and she didnt. So needlesss to say I dont hold her in such high respect. Hmm. And I think I would like to run into her some time, with Ryan, cuz I know that he would defend me. *nod* we were in the sobies to get some ramen and I was like "... this is the one on mayfield, isnt it?" and he nodded and I remembered something about Toria working there. Would have been nice to see her, and show her how someone should act, how to protect people.
And I still miss her sometimes, but as I think it fadeds away. I remember games we used to play and I think I'm starting to miss playing more then her. She broke a vital promise. And I know not all people are like that and I know I'm worth holding on to because Ryan and I have been through hell together and we're still here. *nod* thats what I'm thinking
and what else am I thinking? That last night in the tim's with Ryan splitting a half a dozen dounuts I realized I'm not gunna see my dad ever again. I know if I wanted I could see my step mom (but thats a scary thought) but I wont be able to see him. It... it didnt make me all to sad, it was just a quite little realization in the back of my head. And I looked down at Ryan and he was looking back with dounut in his mouth, his eyes all wide and shiny and he just blink up at me and I held onto him to tight and I was so happy to have him, and I realized stronger then before that I never ever want him to go away. Never. Just looking at him made me feel... like I wasnt something broken. He wouldnt look at me that way if I was broken. There was no pitty in his eyes. Just some gentle curiosity and some shine that I cant name but that I adore.
And I love spending so much time with him. I love that he shares all his wonderful creativities with me. and I love that he's always concerned with me first. I worry about him and hope I give back as much as he gives to me... He makes me feel so good...
and yes I didnt go to group because... it was icy, and it was cold, and i would much rather cuddle under the covers then be out in the cold. I'm selfish. I like him just for me. I've been looking back at my life and everything I've done and gone through. I realized something... I'm not sorry. alot of shit has happened to me but look where I am, look what I have. Why should I be sorry? Look what its gotten me.
I just like the feeling of being with someone who will defend me and be proud of me... yeah, dispite the fact that in the middle of the night with sex-hair and a loose blue coat I look like a boy, he'll still smile and hug me and call me his. I like being as close to one person two people can be. I like having him as mine. I love how he makes me feel. And I hate how some people cant be happy for me. I guess I shouldnt expect things like that, its rude. I guess thats far too much to ask and I'll just have to be happy for myself. Which is what I'm doing. I feel like I've gained +5 to my emotional constitution. I feel better. I like sitting in the dounut shops or under the blankets, or side by side, or anything... just with him. I love all the attention he gives me. he's always willing to hold my hand, cuddle, pet me, anything I want. He always gives me anything I want. He always concerns himself with my needs. I only hope I'm giving enough back to him.
Yeah, I'm contenplative latly. But not so sad, its not so much an attack because I can almost stop those. All I have to do is think if better things. Go to the safe place in my head. because I have one now. *nod*
And anything else? Oh yeah... at the start of this entry I thought I was gunna be on TV this friday... but I'm not. Perhaps later in febuary, the lady said. I get the feeling it wont happen. But its still nice I was considered. who knows, maybe I'll get to be on TV in feb. *nod* That would be cool. Its about that writting contest i won way back when... and I remember the time I was in when I won it and i wince when I realize all the rap I was putting up with and how no one had the balls to defend me. and wow, is that statment fitting or what? *snicker* *grin* anyway... Yeah. I would be talking about my story and stuff... so that would be cool. I'd like to talk about it on TV, I love writting. I need more papper... and some original muses. But I love writting fanfics so... I shouldnt complain. as long as I'm having fun ^^
You know what else I've been thinking of? No matter if you're with a boy or a girl, there are always expectations. I thought being gay I could avoid them but I cant. There's always a steriotype... But there is one I'll one day have to deal with, that felt like less of a pressure when I was solidly on one side of the fence. Kids. Straight people have kids. I dont like that pressure all to much. But I sit and think and realize that he wouldnt do that to me if I didnt want or wasnt ready. who knows, I may change my mind, I mean thats years and years away and its nothing I'm taking to seriously at all ^^;; Just random musings, thats all.
anyway, I guess that all for now *bow* That was long OO;;
Current MSN Name: Love is Law, Proud owner of a Ryan puppy
Current Conversations: Just ended one with Rodomonte
Current obsession= Love
Current project= various writting things (I NEED MORE PAPER DAMN YOU XD)
Final words= Love for joy, love for bliss, love is all and condenced to a kiss
I was ridding the bus and happened to spy a roof, slanted and blue-ish. I remembered being with Toria in that tim's and well... of course I was sad but it was no where near as sharp... and I remembered her and I remembered all her broken promises and I remember her saying that I was her first love and I'm special to her.... and I dont know weither to be insulted or not. I mean... oh she thinks I'm special does she? Well I think she broke her promise. She promised that if my worst fear came true she would be with me through it and she didnt. So needlesss to say I dont hold her in such high respect. Hmm. And I think I would like to run into her some time, with Ryan, cuz I know that he would defend me. *nod* we were in the sobies to get some ramen and I was like "... this is the one on mayfield, isnt it?" and he nodded and I remembered something about Toria working there. Would have been nice to see her, and show her how someone should act, how to protect people.
And I still miss her sometimes, but as I think it fadeds away. I remember games we used to play and I think I'm starting to miss playing more then her. She broke a vital promise. And I know not all people are like that and I know I'm worth holding on to because Ryan and I have been through hell together and we're still here. *nod* thats what I'm thinking
and what else am I thinking? That last night in the tim's with Ryan splitting a half a dozen dounuts I realized I'm not gunna see my dad ever again. I know if I wanted I could see my step mom (but thats a scary thought) but I wont be able to see him. It... it didnt make me all to sad, it was just a quite little realization in the back of my head. And I looked down at Ryan and he was looking back with dounut in his mouth, his eyes all wide and shiny and he just blink up at me and I held onto him to tight and I was so happy to have him, and I realized stronger then before that I never ever want him to go away. Never. Just looking at him made me feel... like I wasnt something broken. He wouldnt look at me that way if I was broken. There was no pitty in his eyes. Just some gentle curiosity and some shine that I cant name but that I adore.
And I love spending so much time with him. I love that he shares all his wonderful creativities with me. and I love that he's always concerned with me first. I worry about him and hope I give back as much as he gives to me... He makes me feel so good...
and yes I didnt go to group because... it was icy, and it was cold, and i would much rather cuddle under the covers then be out in the cold. I'm selfish. I like him just for me. I've been looking back at my life and everything I've done and gone through. I realized something... I'm not sorry. alot of shit has happened to me but look where I am, look what I have. Why should I be sorry? Look what its gotten me.
I just like the feeling of being with someone who will defend me and be proud of me... yeah, dispite the fact that in the middle of the night with sex-hair and a loose blue coat I look like a boy, he'll still smile and hug me and call me his. I like being as close to one person two people can be. I like having him as mine. I love how he makes me feel. And I hate how some people cant be happy for me. I guess I shouldnt expect things like that, its rude. I guess thats far too much to ask and I'll just have to be happy for myself. Which is what I'm doing. I feel like I've gained +5 to my emotional constitution. I feel better. I like sitting in the dounut shops or under the blankets, or side by side, or anything... just with him. I love all the attention he gives me. he's always willing to hold my hand, cuddle, pet me, anything I want. He always gives me anything I want. He always concerns himself with my needs. I only hope I'm giving enough back to him.
Yeah, I'm contenplative latly. But not so sad, its not so much an attack because I can almost stop those. All I have to do is think if better things. Go to the safe place in my head. because I have one now. *nod*
And anything else? Oh yeah... at the start of this entry I thought I was gunna be on TV this friday... but I'm not. Perhaps later in febuary, the lady said. I get the feeling it wont happen. But its still nice I was considered. who knows, maybe I'll get to be on TV in feb. *nod* That would be cool. Its about that writting contest i won way back when... and I remember the time I was in when I won it and i wince when I realize all the rap I was putting up with and how no one had the balls to defend me. and wow, is that statment fitting or what? *snicker* *grin* anyway... Yeah. I would be talking about my story and stuff... so that would be cool. I'd like to talk about it on TV, I love writting. I need more papper... and some original muses. But I love writting fanfics so... I shouldnt complain. as long as I'm having fun ^^
You know what else I've been thinking of? No matter if you're with a boy or a girl, there are always expectations. I thought being gay I could avoid them but I cant. There's always a steriotype... But there is one I'll one day have to deal with, that felt like less of a pressure when I was solidly on one side of the fence. Kids. Straight people have kids. I dont like that pressure all to much. But I sit and think and realize that he wouldnt do that to me if I didnt want or wasnt ready. who knows, I may change my mind, I mean thats years and years away and its nothing I'm taking to seriously at all ^^;; Just random musings, thats all.
anyway, I guess that all for now *bow* That was long OO;;
Current MSN Name: Love is Law, Proud owner of a Ryan puppy
Current Conversations: Just ended one with Rodomonte
Current obsession= Love
Current project= various writting things (I NEED MORE PAPER DAMN YOU XD)
Final words= Love for joy, love for bliss, love is all and condenced to a kiss