Out Of The Closet (Chapter 4)
4. BACK WHERE WE STARTED
Waking up in the morning, Blaine is surprised by clear grey-blue, blue-green eyes smiling at him from just a foot away. As far as he remembers, this is the first time waking up next to somebody else and it shakes him, the closeness unexpected and weird, yet absolutely wonderful.
“Hi. You’re adorable when you sleep.” Kurt’s voice is soft this morning, with a little tenderness, a little intimacy laced in.
“How long have you been watching me?”
“Oh, about an hour. I always wake up early.”
“That must have been boring.”
“Not really. It’s a nice picture.”
A breath of sadness still hangs in the air and for some reason Blaine is hesitant to reach out and touch Kurt, even as his body yearns it.
“What happened that you stayed in bed?”
“I don’t work today. And I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh? About what?” Blaine feels anxiety crawl his skin.
“About this, what we’ve been doing.” Kurt looks calmly determined. “We… we won’t be doing it anymore, Blaine. It’s been amazing, but I think you know what you need to know now and you’ll be safe and prepared once you start dating.”
Maybe it shouldn’t feel like a blow, but it does. Blaine tries to hide the disappointment, not let it bleed into his tone, but he’s not very successful.
“Oh. So it was all this was for you? Some kind of… mentoring?”
“No, Blaine. It wasn’t. But it was all I could allow it to be. That was what you needed from me, apart from friendship, wasn’t it? You wanted to know, to learn what it’s like, and it was safer if you learned this from me than from some random guy. You should use condoms for oral sex too, by the way. I was your first and I know I am safe, so we didn’t, but until you’re sure, that’s what you should do.”
Kurt’s face is calm, composed, and Blaine knows him well enough to realize it’s a mask, but can’t say what he’s hiding under it. He just knows that he feels hurt, even though what Kurt says makes perfect sense. He nods silently, careful to look somewhere else, anywhere but at Kurt, afraid that his face may betray his feelings. But of course, they know each others’ defense mechanisms by heart - even if it’s been three years, they were best friends for the four before that. Kurt reaches to stroke his cheek.
“Hey, look at me.” Blaine dares to do so, peeking up from under his eyelashes, his head lowered. “You didn’t come to me looking for a relationship, did you?”
He has to shake his head, because that’s true. He’s nowhere near ready for a relationship now. He has to find himself in this new reality first.
“No. It’s much too early for me to be thinking about relationships. It’s all so new. But…”
“No buts. I know what you’re thinking and we won’t be doing some kind of friends with benefits thing. It never ends well. We had sex; you got to try things, we both had fun. But I respect you and myself way too much for this to turn into some kind of game. It would break us eventually and I really want us to still be friends, you know?”
Blaine nods. He wants it too. He needs friends now; he really doesn’t have all that many and none are as important as this one. Kurt squeezes his shoulder.
“When you’re ready, you’ll start dating and have all the sex you can dream of. Just please, don’t go to a gay club right away to find a quick hook-up. Buy yourself some sex toys instead, do research, explore on your own for a while. It’s just… it’s much better when you do it with someone you know and trust.”
Hmm, sex toys and research? Blaine perks up a bit and files that away to think about later. Now there’s something else about what Kurt said - or rather how he said it - that struck him.
“It sounds like you know this from experience.”
“I do.”
“Can I ask what happened?”
Kurt shrugs, but there’s regret in his eyes.
“Someone broke my heart a while ago. My first love, in fact. I tried casual sex as an antidote; I don’t recommend it. It doesn’t help, just makes you feel dirty and cheap. I’ve had a couple of relationships since then and even though none of them was anything serious, sexually they were way better than that.”
Blaine reaches to take his friend’s hand, hesitant.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“That some bastard broke your heart. Can I find him and kick his ass?” For an instant, Kurt looks like he’s on the verge of saying something, agreeing maybe? But then he shakes his head.
“No, but you’re adorable. I would hug you now, but we’re naked and I know where that would lead, so no. But thank you.” Kurt’s smile is a bit tremulous, like it still hurts to talk about it, and Blaine is so angry at this unknown guy. Kurt breaks this train of thought though. “Okay, let’s get up and eat some breakfast. I have a whole day to hang out with you and I want to finally talk properly.”
They take their time showering and getting dressed before they meet in the kitchen over bowls of muesli with plain yogurt. Blaine speaks first, curious.
“So where do you work? You seem to have a funny schedule.”
“I’m modeling.”
Surprise sounds clearly in Blaine’s voice.
“Modeling?”
Kurt shrugs.
“Yeah. Fashion photography mostly. Sometimes I get to go out on the runway too, and every now and then I pose for art students. The last two and a half day I had a huge photoshoot for a fashion catalogue, but I’m finally done, so now I’m free till Monday afternoon.”
It sounds impressive, but not something Blaine would expect.
“Wow. But what about your musical theater dream?”
“Still mostly a dream. I do try, of course, and sometimes I get a small role, but with my voice and looks, I’m not exactly easy to cast for a male lead. So I take what I can get, but modeling is where I actually earn my living. I started two years ago, basically got recruited right off the street. It’s not a bad job.”
Blaine wouldn’t notice the hint of bitterness behind Kurt’s matter-of-fact statement if he didn’t know him so well; it’s well hidden. But he can imagine how difficult it must be for his friend, whose dreams for the future used to be all focused around acting and singing. Kurt had it all planned: major lead role before 25; New York stages by 30; Broadway star by 35. Modeling may be fine, but there’s no way it’s fulfilling for Kurt.
It seems things haven’t gone his way at all since they parted ways - his career, his love life... Hopefully he was happy at least some of the time; Kurt deserves all the happiness in the world. Blaine hesitates, but he has to ask.
“This guy - the one that broke your heart - was he worth it?”
Kurt seems unable to answer for a moment, looking into space. When he speaks again, his voice is soft, quiet.
“Yes, he was. He was… everything I was - still am - looking for in a man. He might have broken me though. I feel like no one has been good enough ever since. I think I still love him.”
“And there’s no way you two might get back together?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Tell me about him. He must have been a hell of a man to make you fall so hard for him.”
Kurt sighs.
“He was. He is. But no, enough, I don’t want to talk about him anymore. I’ll get depressed and mope all day. Tell me what you’ve been up to instead.”
Blaine shrugs.
“Nothing much. Working for my father’s company, being the perfect son, dating girls my parents approved of, trying not to die of boredom.”
“Sounds fun. So... you dated. And you never got close to a girl before your wedding night?” Kurt raises his eyebrow incredulously. Blaine understands his surprise; a 25-year-old man, not particularly ugly, with years of dating under his belt but with no sexual, or even erotic experience whatsoever, sounds a bit like a mythical creature even to his own ears. Or would, in any other circumstances.
“Intimately close? No. I danced, hugged, kissed - I had no problem with any of that, although they never did anything for me, never turned me on. Girls always said I was the perfect gentleman for not trying to push them any further.”
Kurt smirks.
“Oh, I can imagine. And your wife? She never suspected anything?”
Blaine shrugs, blushing a little.
“Jessica thought I was shy and inexperienced.”
“Still, how could she not have noticed something was wrong? I mean, if you got married, you had to have been together for a while, right?”
“A year and a half. But you have to understand, it was a very… old fashioned relationship. Our fathers work together and they decided to introduce us, secretly hoping for something more, I think. Jess was nice and pretty, and I think she fell in love with me. I liked her a lot, too, maybe even started to love her later, but more like a sister than anything else. Our dates were always quite formal - I took her out once or twice a week, to restaurants and theatres and concerts, or for walks. It was always in public, always very respectful. We kissed for the first time after three months. We hardly ever had time alone in private - we both lived with our parents after all. I don’t have to tell you it suited me, do I?”
“You’ve lived with your parents all this time?” Kurt’s eyes grow wide. He never actually met Blaine’s parents, but he knew enough to dislike them passionately, and never hid this.
“Well, not exactly with them. I had a guest house for myself since I graduated. It’s a fair distance from the main building. After the wedding we were supposed to move in to the east wing of the house and have it for ourselves.”
Kurt suddenly pales, hand covering his mouth.
“Blaine, you know that you’ve basically been cheating these past few nights, right? And I’m your partner in crime. I slept with a married man, oh my god.”
Blaine feels uneasy. He’d never considered that. For him, the marriage didn’t count, it was a mistake, something to be undone. But formally… Kurt’s right, formally and lawfully he’s a married man.
“But… Jessica will get an annulment without any problems.”
“But it doesn’t change the fact you’re still married now. And what if she won’t get it? You said she was in love with you. She may not want to let you go.”
“Oh…”
He hadn’t thought about this possibility. He has no idea how annulment works, legally. Since it’s really his fault, is Jess the only one who can petition for annulment? What if she doesn’t? What if she wants them to stay married? Or wants a divorce and some sort of alimony? Shit, he’s in so much trouble… And he’s a cheater now, even if no one knows but Kurt, and he can be trusted not to disclose it.
Blaine can feel his pulse quicken, his breathing grow shallow. Kurt’s hand laid on his shakes him out his spiraling panic.
“Hey, no, look at me. You’ll be fine. In the worst case scenario it will take some time and effort, but it will be okay. We can look at some legal sites, do a little research. And you’ll have to meet with Jessica soon I think, to talk about it. But don’t worry yourself sick now, it won’t help.”
Blaine looks at Kurt, feeling pathetic.
“You’re not mad? I basically made you accessory to cheating.”
“Oh, right. It’s not like you told me you just got married and I actually took your wedding tux off you, is it? Oh thank god, what would I do then?” Kurt shakes his head in mock horror and Blaine has no choice but snort. Kurt smiles and continues. “Come on, I may have been lust-blinded but I’m not stupid. I chose not to think about it until now. And what’s done is done. I’ll just have to do some more good deeds now to restore balance in the universe. And don’t worry, I’ll never tell anyone. I can even try to convince you none of it happened if you want to forget.”
Blaine looks at him earnestly and shakes his head.
“I’d never want to forget something like this, Kurt. Ever.”
Kurt blushes.
They spend the rest of the day talking, never running out of topics to discuss, reminisce about, fill each other in on. Except for these information gaps, it feels as if they never had any break in their friendship, let alone such a long one, and Blaine is happy to have this back - this easy camaraderie, trust without the necessity of promises, support he can be sure of. The truth is, here, in Kurt’s tiny apartment, he feels more at home than he’s felt anywhere in a very long time.
They sleep separately that night, even though Blaine lies awake for a long time, aching to get up and go to Kurt, to touch his soft skin for the last time, to feel him inside just once more. But he doesn’t and eventually he falls asleep, and if he dreams, he doesn’t remember. They say their goodbye in the morning, promising to contact each other soon, and Blaine runs to move in to his new apartment.
***
Once his apartment is empty and quiet again, which feels weird after days of company, Kurt goes to his laptop to look through the local news. He doesn’t have to search long for what he wants to see. Under a big title announcing the happy day for two prominent local families, there it is: a big, colorful photo of a dreamy couple - a thin blond girl with beautiful blue eyes, embraced by a gorgeous, curly haired brunet with a dazzling smile.
And just for a minute, Kurt lets himself imagine someone else in the girl’s place.
And then he closes the laptop, goes to his bedroom and hides from the world.
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In the next chapter: The colors of friendship