Out Of The Closet (Chapter 8)
8. FREEDOM
Time passes. Blaine meets with Jessica once more to take care of all the formalities and then there’s only waiting for the formal decision. It can take months, but he already decided he’d put off anything dating or relationship-related, or even sexual, until he’s really a free man. It just feels right this way, to begin his new life with clean conscience.
There are no more slip-ups between him and Kurt after that night in the club; they are as close as ever, but careful not to cross that line. Only sometimes when Blaine’s playing with his new toys, which are definitely some of the best purchases he’s ever made, does he allow himself to remember his friend’s lips and teeth marking him, his come branding his skin like a sign of ownership, his voice growling and possessive; when he does, the effect is instantaneous. It’s a funny thing, he muses, the way he seems to get off on these particular memories more than on anything else.
Everything in Blaine’s life seems to be going right at this point. He loves his job. After the first four months he gets a raise and even more independence running the shop; he feels like he’s in his element there. The folder containing his original songs thickens quickly and one day Robbie mentions a producer friend from out of town who wants to hear Blaine perform. He even gets to play his own concert once, receiving generous cheers and praise all around.
Blaine’s social life consists mostly of Kurt and the group home, but he has made several other friends that he meets with sometimes. He has no contact with his parents whatsoever, hasn’t since that one phone call, but more and more he feels like the Hummel-Hudsons have adopted him; he joins his friend every time he goes to Lima now. Finn’s wedding is in six months, and the last time they visited, Blaine had seen the guest list, his name listed under “Groom’s family”. He’d had to bite back tears, barely keeping himself in check, but Burt had noticed, laying his hand on Blaine’s shoulder and smiling wordlessly.
It’s hard to imagine his life without them all now. He looks back and sees barren, dry scenery and a sad, repressed man destined to live in lies and unhappiness. He shudders, realizing just how close he was to actually living that life.
Two weeks from that last visit to Lima and almost half a year since his meeting with Jess in the café, Blaine gets the official paper stating that their marriage has been annulled. He’s free.
He runs to Kurt, of course - it’s the first thing he does when anything important happens, sharing his happiness or trouble with the only person who will always understand. And Kurt does understand, of course, making him go home and dress up, and then taking him to the best restaurant in town to celebrate. They’re finishing their post-dinner coffee, blissfully full and happy with life, when Kurt asks, “So what are you going to do now, when you’re officially single again?”
Blaine laughs. Single has never sounded better.
“I think I’m going to date at last.”
The smile on his friend’s face doesn’t falter, as if glued there. He seems tense for some reason, or maybe it’s just the flickering light of the candles that makes him look like it.
“Anyone in particular?”
He shakes his head.
“No, I don’t have my eye on anyone. I guess I’ll just have to put myself on the market, look around.”
Blaine chooses this moment to drain his cup, so when he looks up at Kurt, he can see him taking on this forcefully cheerful expression he uses when he doesn’t want to let his feelings show, not the emotion that was there before. He frowns, confused.
“What? Do you think it’s a bad idea?” Did he miss something? Kurt’s encouraged him to start dating right from the beginning, didn’t he? Not him, because they’re friends, but date in general. Why would he be against it now?
Kurt shakes his head, as if he’s been shaken out of deep thought.
“What? Why? No, I just… I don’t feel that good. I’ve got this… pain all of a sudden. Would you mind if we just went home? I think I need to lie down.”
Blaine feels worried now. Kurt doesn’t get sick, he never has.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. It happens sometimes. It’s nothing dangerous, just… painful. It will pass. Don’t worry. Let’s just go.”
The next morning Kurt seems to be perfectly fine, so Blaine quickly forgets about the incident.
Blaine’s first date is Steve. They meet in the record shop where Steve is a regular. They talk about music a few times, until one day when the conversation becomes more personal and after learning that yes, Blaine is gay and single, Steve asks him out. Blaine is so excited about it he drops by Kurt’s place on his way from work to share the news. He finds his friend dressed to kill in jeans so tight they look painted on, knee-high boots and clingy steel blue shirt. Kurt smiles, opening the door.
“Oh, hi Blaine! Sorry, I’m just leaving. Do you want to walk with me?”
“Sure! Where are you going?”
Kurt laughs brightly.
“I’ve got a date.”
Blaine is taken by surprise. All these months, he's never heard Kurt talking about dating. Ever.
“A date?”
“Yeah, of course. What, are you the only one who can date?”
“Oh, no! Of course not, I didn’t mean it like that. So who’s the lucky guy?”
Kurt shrugs. “Another model, Josh. He’s been pursuing me for weeks, I figured I might as well give him a chance. If nothing else, I should get some nice sex out of it. Guy’s seriously hot.”
Blaine feels a pang of something at that - jealousy? No, he can’t feel jealous; he had sex with Kurt, he’s his friend, but that doesn’t give him right to feel possessive. He quickly squishes the feeling before it has chance to bloom and grow.
“Great. I have a date too. Tomorrow night.”
Something flashes over Kurt’s face. “Oh. Have fun then.”
“Wait, I won’t see you tomorrow?”
“Probably not. I may stay with Josh if things turn out well. We both have a free day tomorrow, may as well use it. So. I’ll call you, okay? Just remember, be safe.” There’s a fleeting soft smile and then Kurt’s gone, leaving Blaine strangely lonely.
Blaine’s date goes well; Steve is good-looking, funny and knows a lot about music, so the conversation flows easily. They kiss goodbye late in the evening and it’s nice, actually kissing a man, even though there are no fireworks. But maybe they will come with time. They meet again two days later and then twice the next week, finally ending up in Steve’s downtown apartment. Blaine’s a bit nervous now that he actually has a chance to get close to another man. It was different with Kurt - Kurt he knew and trusted. This… this is one big unknown. He’s prepared - he’s got a small bottle of lube and some condoms with him, just in case, but he’s not entirely sure he’s ready to go all the way just yet. Yes, the dates are nice, but there’s just something… missing. Still, his body slowly reacts to proximity of another man, Steve’s lips tracing Blaine’s neck, hand moving up his thigh. He lets himself be swept away and just feel, giving back as much as he gets.
Soon they’re both shirtless and panting into each other’s mouth, hands opening each other’s pants. Blaine touches Steve’s dick shyly, strokes it slowly, but the other man is going right for the kill, leaning over his open fly, his intentions obvious, a condom in his hand, and Blaine braces himself for what he knows to be one of the best feelings in the world, that hot-tight-wet of mouth on him. Sure enough, there it comes, though dulled by the thin film of latex, and he waits for that electricity that will alight all his nerves, this sparkly bubbly feeling in his blood. He waits. And waits. There’s the drag of tongue on him, the gentle sucking as Steve’s head bobs up and down, and it’s good, it’s pleasure all right, but where’s this magic he knows from his previous blowjobs, all three of them, but still? He can still think clearly, control the steady movement of his hand on the other man’s cock, analyze what he’s feeling, fuck - even take in the décor of Steve’s living room. He tries to focus, to feel what surely must be there, but minutes pass and soon his date is trembling, close, and Blaine… well, he’s nowhere near there.
Giving up, he reaches for the one thing he knows to be a sure way to slam him into release every time: the memory of another man’s lips, another man’s hands and cock and voice. And it’s enough, just as it always is, but there’s a bittersweet feeling to his orgasm, because dating was supposed to help him replace those memories with new ones, give him new experiences to focus on and well… it’s not happening. Oh well, maybe Steve just isn’t the right man. There’s no spark there. That must be it.
Blaine feels bad when a few days later, over coffee, he tells Steve they won’t date anymore, but the other man is fine with it, which is a relief. Now that Blaine’s mind isn’t preoccupied with the excitement of dating someone new, he realizes that he’s only seen Kurt three times in the last two weeks, two of which were their drama/music classes. Suddenly he misses his friend terribly. He wants to talk to him, tell him about Steve, about that awkward blowjob, ask if it’s normal to feel the way he had. Or hadn’t. Of course, he’ll have to omit the part where he’d fantasized about Kurt to finally get there - now that would be embarrassing.
He grabs the phone, but Kurt’s not picking up, so he leaves a message, realizing that for the first time in months he doesn’t even know when and where his friend is working this week. Blaine only knows that he’s busy - aside from work, there’s the premiere of the musical he’s in approaching, so he must be tired. But when Kurt calls him back late that evening, there’s laugh in his voice and music and conversations in the background. They talk for a minute or two, planning when to meet between their various obligations, but then a male voice is calling “Kurt, babe, the cab is waiting, come on!” and his friend giggles, sounding tipsy and silly, promises to call tomorrow and hangs up.
Blaine is left standing there, open-mouthed and feeling as if someone pulled the rug from under him. Kurt’s been there for him all along, every single day since he’s come out. He’s been the one person Blaine could always, always rely on - to find time for him whenever he called or dropped in, to listen, to understand. The realization that he has to share his best friend with the rest of the world stings surprisingly.
They have a chance to meet the next day and they talk; Kurt tells Blaine all about the rehearsals at the theater and the fashion show he had this week. He assures Blaine that yes, it’s completely natural not to feel the same with every sexual partner. They make an effort to meet regularly again, except it’s not the same anymore because there’s Josh now, joining them every now and then - ridiculously handsome, tall and sculpted, always sitting too close to Kurt who doesn’t mind in the slightest, touching his thigh, his neck, god, his ass when he thinks nobody is watching. And Blaine just can’t stand him.
So two weeks later when they go to a club, all three of them, Blaine feeling like a third wheel next to the touchy-feely, slightly drunk couple, he’s relieved when a sexy Asian man with mischievous sparks in his eyes asks him to dance. The man is gorgeous, his movements fluid like a ninja’s, and maybe it’s the number of drinks Blaine’s already downed, but they just click. They talk animatedly and dance as the night progresses, kissing more and more passionately, making out in dark corners and taking body shots off each other. He’s thinking dazedly about inviting this guy over to spend the night, but then Kurt finds him, Josh nowhere to be seen this time, and pulls him out yelling in his ear that their cab is waiting, so Blaine just takes the man’s - Lee’s - number, promising to call.
He does, two days later, excited and hopeful, eager for some romance and sexiness he got a taste of at the club - and man, were there sparks - and they meet for drinks that evening. Except nothing goes right; the conversation is stiff without the buzz of alcohol and the feverish background of music and dancing, Lee’s jokes are crude and not even slightly funny and when he delivers a five-minute tirade about the closeted gays who can’t find it in themselves to come out, and how they deserve the miserable lives they get to live for their cowardice, Blaine suddenly remembers a very important job thing he absolutely has to finish before the morning and bids his quick goodbye, forgetting to set another time to meet again.
Maybe the third time will be the charm, he muses a week later, sitting on a bar stool. He’s all by himself this time; Kurt’s in the last week of rehearsals running up to the premiere of the play and barely finds time to sleep or eat, so Blaine decided to try braving a gay bar for the first time. Soon enough, there’s a low, seductive voice from his right, “Hey gorgeous, mind if I join you? I’m Sam.”
Sam is a tanned, muscular guy with shoulder-length jet black hair and arms tattooed from his wrists to his shoulders in complicated, colorful designs. The one thing that immediately pulls Blaine to him as they start talking is his self confidence, emanating from every gesture, every word. It’s not that he’s cocky, he’s just… in control. And Blaine realizes with a start how much that turns him on already. Soon they’re flirting shamelessly, their glasses seemingly refilling themselves continuously, their words and gestures becoming bolder over time, and when Sam tells him two hours later that they should go to a more private place, Blaine doesn’t even hesitate.
They’re barely out of the bar when Sam pulls him into a narrow dark alley beside it and presses him to the wall to kiss him roughly, all tongue and teeth, and Blaine can’t suppress his moan. Sam pulls away after a while, his voice gravelly.
“You like it? Oh, I can see you do. You are fucking gorgeous, you know? I’ve been hard for an hour, just watching your lips while you spoke, god.”
Blaine shivers, waves of arousal washing over him quickly, making him want to submit, to let go, and he falls into another kiss with fierce passion. Sam’s tongue practically fucks his mouth and Blaine moans, his hips stuttering forward, seeking friction. And friction he gets - the other man pins him harder against the wall and grinds against him slowly.
“Not so fast. I want to savor you before I make you fall apart.” Keeping the languid pace of his hips, Sam pushes Blaine’s arms up, against the wall over his head, and secures them both like that with one hand. The other one slides down to dive under the shirt and tease a nipple while Sam’s wet, open lips move to the side of his neck. Blaine whines high and breathless, wanting more, more, as he can feel teeth and hot tongue just under his ear, biting, sucking. Marking.
Marking.
Just one word in his brain and it feels like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water. His eyes snap open, hips stilling. Sam feels him stiffen and pulls away, letting go of his hands.
“Everything alright?”
Blaine doesn’t know what to say, how to explain this. He craved this, want pulsing in his veins just seconds before, and then… the thought of being marked by a stranger suddenly makes him nauseous.
“Yeah. No. I… I need to go. Sorry, Sam. I… I’m sorry.”
He flees from the alley, catches the first passing cab and goes home. As soon as he’s in his kitchen with a cup of mint tea to settle his queasiness, there’s a knock on the door. Kurt’s tired smile as he enters freezes as soon as he looks at Blaine’s neck and shit, he hasn’t even checked how bad it is himself. But it must be, because Kurt smirks in an exaggerated, forced way as he takes in his friend’s appearance.
“So, I gather the dating is going well? Have you found someone worth staying with yet?”
Blaine can feel himself blush and he isn’t sure why. It’s Kurt after all, they talk about everything.
“No, no luck so far.”
“Well, maybe you’re looking in the wrong direction.”
It’s muttered so low Blaine isn’t sure he’s heard properly, let alone knows what Kurt means.
“Wait, what?”
“Nothing. I hope you’ll meet someone good enough soon.”
He does. Actually, it’s at the premiere of Kurt’s musical that Blaine meets David. They’re sitting next to each other, so they start talking during the break, and it’s easy and natural. There’s something there, so they exchange phone numbers afterwards, before Blaine goes backstage to find his friend and congratulate him on being absolutely amazing, the star of the show. Then there’s a phone call or two, and dates, and it turns out they’re a good fit, intellectually and, later, physically. Blaine feels happy, discovering what it feels like to really date someone, slowly let them in and see yourself getting closer to them. The first time they have sex, five weeks after they met, Blaine stays the night and they wake up together to fall into each other again before sharing breakfast and a lazy Sunday morning. It’s good. Their relationship grows and it seems like it’s everything Blaine has ever wanted. He’s happy.
Finally, he introduces David to Kurt, who is his perfectly charming self, smiling and nice, but when Blaine proposes a double date with him and Josh, he gets a simple No in return. It’s only a week later, after much drilling and whining, that Kurt finally reveals the reason.
“No Blaine, I have nothing against David, but I can’t exactly go on a double date when I’m single!”
“Wait, what? Where’s Josh?”
“Hopefully with his new boyfriend. Seeing how hard Josh fell for him, he would be shattered if it didn’t work out.”
“But… you two… You were so in love!”
Kurt looks at him disbelievingly.
“No, we weren’t. You really thought we were?”
Blaine’s jaw drops.
“Um, yeah?”
Kurt laughs shortly.
“No, Blaine. We were each other’s substitutes until either of us found someone.” He rolls his eyes, seeing Blaine’s confused expression. “Fuck buddies, if you prefer.”
“Oh.” Blaine looks at him, worried, because this can’t be good for Kurt, can it? Sure, he’s strong and stubborn and bold, but he’s also so fragile and vulnerable sometimes, even if not many people get to ever see him like that. And Blaine can’t stand the thought of Kurt getting hurt. But his friend just shakes his head, his face carefully set into a cheerful mask.
“So thank you again for the offer, but no double dates. I don’t have time or patience for boyfriends anyway. You two have fun though.”
And they do. Really. For about three more weeks, until the night when David takes Blaine for a romantic dinner and over desserts, tells him that he loves him.
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End notes: And I’ll leave you with this for the weekend :) It’s not a cliffhanger, is it? It’s a… vague ending of the chapter? Or something? Really. Definitely not a cliffhanger. I know everyone hates these.
I’ll upload the next chapter on Monday, not Sunday this time - I’m sorry! But I’ll publish something on Sunday: since I need practice writing fast and short, I’d love to get some prompts for drabbles from you. If you feel like it, drop me a prompt in your comment - just a single word or phrase, and maybe a genre if you have preferences - and I’ll choose 2 or 3 and write up to 500 words on each, and publish the drabbles on Sunday afternoon. I won’t announce them on the kurt_blaine comm, but they will be here. So. Anything you want me to write about? It can be fun!
In the next chapter: The difference