Here I Stand, All Alone
Title: Here I Stand, All Alone
Genre: angst, hurt/comfort
Rating: G
Warnings: 1st person perspective? Internal monologue?
Disclaimer: Glee and its characters are not mine, I put them away when I’m done playing with them.
Word Count: ~1500
Summary: Blaine hasn’t been a perfect boyfriend this week. So if Kurt says they need to talk, it must mean he wants to break up, right? Set during summer after season 2.
Author's Note: This is basically a song!fic, inspired by Here I Stand by Madina Lake. It’s a weird little thing - it just wrote itself one evening after I listened to this song and it’s stubborn enough to resist my attempts at editing it too much. So I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it, but here it is. 1st person perspective, mostly internal monologue (everything in italics), Blaine’s POV.
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Here I Stand, All Alone
my hands shake ‘cause today
I know you’re gonna break my heart
and my life without you in it
is a life that’s not worth living
I’ll be strong but I wish I was someone else
anyone but me tonight
“Okay Blaine, that’s enough! Please stop talking before you say too much.” - Haven’t I already? - “I think we should cancel our coffee date today.”
“But Kurt… I haven’t seen you in over a week.”
“And whose fault is it? Besides, you’ll still get to see me. I’ll come to your house at six. We need to talk. And I don’t want to do this in a public place.”
He hung up, just like that.
Yup, I pushed too far this time.
He sounded angry. Disappointed. I know disappointed when I hear it. I’m an expert in disappointment.
We need to talk, he said.
I don’t want to do this in a public place, he said.
He’s breaking up with me. Tonight.
In four hours I won’t be his boyfriend anymore.
I’ve always known I’d screw this up. I just hoped it would take a little bit longer. A bit longer ‘til he sees right through me. A little bit more time to be happier than I’ve ever been. To be wanted for a change.
In four hours I’ll be back to usual.
Except worse. Because once you’ve tasted heaven, earth is not enough anymore.
But I will manage. I don’t have a choice.
I won’t cry. I won’t beg. I’ll wear my mask seamlessly.
***
here I stand all alone tonight
and I wish I was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life
and I wish I was anyone but me
Three hours before there’s no one to call goodnight right before falling asleep.
One and a half until I no longer have a right to introduce him as my boyfriend and grin like crazy, because how amazing is that?
Ten minutes and then I’m all alone again.
Will we be able to stay friends at least?
Will I still have him in my life?
I don’t think so.
The house is completely quiet. My room feels claustrophobic, the walls pressing down on me. But I can see Kurt’s car coming from here. And later, looking out through this window, I’ll see him going, make sure he’s gone, before I tear my mask off and shatter.
Here he comes.
I’m not ready.
I’ll never be ready for this.
***
so I’ll start to pretend I’m okay
but you should know by now
that my life is smoke and mirrors
one thing is crystal clear
that I’m the one wishing I was someone else
anyone but me tonight
Twenty two steps from my room to the front door. Breathe in. Breath out. Showtime.
“Hi Kurt. Come in. Would you like something to drink?”
“No, thank you.”
“Okay then, so let’s just go to my room, shall we?”
My legs feel like lead, every step harder than the one before. Fifteen, sixteen… Six more and that will be it. Five. Four.
“Blaine, are you alright?”
“Of course, why?”
“You stopped.”
“Oh. I just remembered something. Never mind.”
Step. Step. Step.
Open the door. Step in. Close it behind us.
“So Blaine, how was your week?” - Smalltalk, Kurt? Really?
“Uneventful.”
“Really? Because you seemed to be awfully busy. You know, no time to meet your boyfriend or even Skype date? Five-minute phone calls every other day? Even during the school year, with classes and homework and Warblers, you had more time for me.”
“Um, you know, just… family stuff.” - Oops, too close for comfort. - “Um, cleaning, shopping, this kind of things. How was yours?”
“Blaine.”
Disappointment again.
He knows what I’m doing. Of course he does. He knows me too well not to notice. I haven’t worn a mask in front of him for months. He’s bound to see.
***
inside, I start to fall apart
and I’ll pretend I’m holding on
I guess I’ll bleed in silence
Why are you stalling? Waiting for the blade to fall is pure torture. You’ve never been cruel.
I can’t stand it.
“Just say it, Kurt. Let’s be done with it.” - Please, don’t prolong my suffering. I don’t know how much more I can take.
“Say what?” - Oh please, you sound so surprised. Why do you sound surprised?
“What you came all the way here to say. That I’m not good enough. That we’re better off as friends. That we need a break. That you need some time for yourself. That I’m a failure of a boyfriend. Whatever you need to call it, just say it already.” - There. It’s out. And my voice didn’t even break.
“Blaine, honey… Did you think I came here today to break up with you?” - Oh no, you’re not allowed to talk to me so tenderly right now. Or take my hand. Or touch my face like that. Please stop or I’ll crumble. Don’t you see my mask is hanging by a thread? - “Oh god, you did! No, baby? Blaine? Look at me. Please.” - I can’t. I can’t. - “Baby, I’m not breaking up with you.”
What?
“You’re not?”
“Of course not. I love you.”
“Still?”
“Always.”
Certainty in his eyes. Care. Worry. Love. Truth.
I can breathe. The mask is gone.
***
“Blaine, I came to make you talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me all week and I don’t know why. I just wanted to know what’s wrong. Something’s going on. Ever since that family dinner you had with your parents, you’re different. You forget to call, you have no time to meet me, we don’t talk as much as usual, you snap at me for no reason. I know that something happened. You don’t have to deal with it alone, you know.”
“I just… I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
“Like what?”
“Weak. Lost. Troubled. I’m trying to get myself together, but it takes longer than I thought it would. And I want to be good enough for you.”
“Baby, you are good enough for me, whether you try or not. Did you think I’d love you only if you were perfect?”
“Isn’t it how it usually works?”
“No, it’s not. When you really love somebody, you love all of them. With all their flaws and weaknesses and insecurities. You just accept them the way they are. No matter what. That’s how I love you, Blaine. You may not be objectively perfect - I mean, you are clueless, and you have a weird tendency to jump on furniture and choose completely inappropriate songs every now and then - but you are perfect for me. And I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here and I want to stand by you in whatever you’re going through, okay?”
Oh. That’s… oh.
“Blaine? Why do you look at me like I grew a second head? You’re freaking me out a bit, honestly.”
“What you said… about love…”
“What? The acceptance thing? What’s so strange about it? You must have heard it before, from your parents if no one else. My dad says it’s like the first commandment of parenthood.”
“I haven’t.”
You must try harder, son.
That was not good enough.
We’re disappointed with you, Blaine.
Do you always have to be that difficult?
Everything in life has to be earned.
“… oh. But… never? Really?”
“No.”
***
He has the most sincere eyes I’ve ever seen. His hand on my chest, just over my heart, radiating warmth.
“Okay, you wanted me to say what I came here to tell you. So here goes. I want you to listen carefully and never forget it.
Blaine, I love you. And I accept you, all of you, just the way you are, even the parts you don’t accept yourself. You don’t have to change for me, or try to be perfect. Just be yourself, because that’s whom I love, that’s who I want to be with.
If you have a problem, I’ll be here to help. If you are afraid, I’ll hold your hand. If you feel weak, I’ll be a shoulder to lean on. If you fall, I will catch you. I promise.”
***
“Last week, my parents told me they are getting a divorce. I know I’m not a kid anymore, and we don’t even act like a family most of the time, so it shouldn’t upset me so much. But it does, Kurt. I feel like everything is off somehow, like the axis of the world has shifted and I can’t find solid ground. Nothing is certain anymore, it’s like I’m falling with nothing to hold on to. It’s terrifying. And I can’t even do anything about it. I just feel so helpless, you know? Like a lost child.”
“Oh honey… Come here.”
Warmth all around me as I lie in his arms. Fingers carding gently through my hair. Steady beat of his heart under my cheek. Whisper of his breathing.
I feel calmer. Peaceful. Loved.
I’m safe.