Wrong. Chapter 11
11.
Kurt can barely sit still the whole way to Columbus, impatient to see Blaine. Yes, he has to go straight home, it’s Thanksgiving after all, but honestly, he’d really rather just spend the two and a half days he has free with his boyfriend. He misses his family, he does, and being able to spend this day with them is a true blessing, it’s just…
Something bothers him about Blaine, something that doesn’t quite fit in the “I’m depressed, but getting better now” picture he’s trying to project. Kurt can’t quite put his finger on what it is - nothing specific. He just has this feeling that something’s wrong. There’s something different about Blaine’s voice on the phone, his tone, the way he speaks; it’s all… guarded? Rehearsed? Forced? God, it sounds so silly even to Kurt himself, but he can’t get it out of his mind, it’s like an alarm bell going off. Maybe he could somehow see Blaine tonight, after the family dinner? He has to go back to New York early on Sunday morning to get to work - agreed to do this in exchange for getting his next paycheck early, the rest of the money he needed for the tickets. He has so little time in Ohio, every hour counts.
As soon as he’s off the plane, he calls Blaine, but gets voicemail. Before he can try again a couple of minutes later, a text comes in.
Sorry, family just arrived, can’t talk. I’ll call you tonight. Happy Thanksgiving!
It looks like there will be no seeing Blaine tonight, after all.
The dinner is delicious and it feels amazing to be back in the warm circle of his family, talking, laughing, just spending time together - it’s one of the things Kurt misses most when he’s in college. He knew it would be hard being so far away from them, and he was right; there are moments, usually in the evenings, when his heart just squeezes painfully and he misses them so much. He’s so thankful to be here with them today.
Still, all along a part of his mind seems to be absent, preoccupied with thinking - worrying really - about Blaine. Kurt honestly tries to stop because it starts to be ridiculous - nothing happened, Blaine has his parents there, he has therapy three times a week, with a professional who would surely notice if anything was wrong. And yet Kurt can’t seem to settle down, his mind nagging him to do something, telling him that he needs to help.
Maybe he should work on his overprotectiveness. Or his dependence, or whatever it is.
When Blaine finally calls around 10 pm, the alarms in Kurt’s head go off harder than ever. His boyfriend sounds tired, sad, hurt, all sorts of bad, and Kurt has to suppress the instinct to hop in his car and go to the Andersons’ house immediately. Instead, he just settles on his bed with the phone and listens to Blaine’s voice.
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t pick up earlier but you know my father’s side of the family - or at least you know of them.”
Kurt remembers their conversation from a long time ago and frowns.
“So what, you are still a misguided straight teenager?”
“Apparently. It’s just so exhausting. And of course they heard about the hospital and everything, so they’re even more onto me now - you know, how depression is just an excuse for weak people, how I have it too good in life, and should see what hard means. How I should find a proper girl at last and have sex and it would surely cure me.”
Blaine sighs heavily and Kurt can feel his blood boil with anger at those people he’s never met but already dislikes. How can they even say things like that? Can’t they see… Ugh, right. No, they can’t, that’s the problem.
“What about your parents? Couldn’t they say anything?”
“My mom told them to leave me alone, but then they simply chose moments when she was not around to give their good advice. My dad didn’t comment, as always. I know he agrees with them. I am weak.”
“No, you’re not.” Kurt’s response is immediate, heated, but Blaine just sighs.
“Whatever. I’m just so tired. It was a bad day. I guess I can be thankful it’s over, right?”
“I guess so. And we get to meet tomorrow.”
Whatever reaction to his coming home - and to Blaine - Kurt expected, it was not this weary sort of resignation he hears now. “Oh, right. Do you want to go shopping? It’s Black Friday, after all.”
His eyebrows arch disbelievingly. Shopping, really? “No, I just want to spend time with you. Can I come over?”
“Sure. I’ll be waiting.” The exhaustion is even more pronounced in Blaine’s voice now and Kurt quickly forgets about his disappointment.
“Okay. Go get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Even these words sound flat, but Kurt tries hard to ignore it. Blaine’s just tired. Nothing more.
Two evenings later, on Saturday, Kurt is sitting on his bed in pajamas, the suitcase all packed and ready for his early morning departure, and he feels more confused than ever. He hoped that after this weekend and spending as much time as he could with Blaine, he would now understand the changes in him, and would be able to go back to NY calmer, certain of his boyfriend’s safety. Instead, the ground seems to slip from beneath his feet and Kurt doesn’t know what to think anymore.
Because he went to Blaine’s house yesterday thinking that either everything is all right and he’s been imagining things, or Blaine is more depressed than he let slip when talking with Kurt, and needs help. But now, after Blaine’s confusing, erratic behavior these past two days, Kurt can’t shake off the suspicion that - hard as it is to admit - Blaine may just be falling out of love with him. And damn, it hurts like a stab to the heart to even think about it because what Kurt feels when seeing this boy, even hearing his voice, is strong and sure and still like forever. But it looks like it may not be forever after all.
Because while Blaine was clearly trying to act normal around Kurt, it felt forced somehow, as if it was an effort to do what used to come naturally to them. Sitting together, cuddling, talking, touching, kissing - it all felt off somehow, minutely delayed, almost imperceptibly hesitant. Kurt would have believed that it was just because they haven’t done these things for so long, but it didn’t lessen during the hours they spent together - on the contrary, in fact.
And the things Blaine kept dropping every now at then into their conversation…
You should focus on college and your life, I’m sure there are so many interesting things and people there.
You can have anyone you want - and you deserve the best.
Who knows what happens by next year.
We may not be able to meet at Christmas, family plans, you know.
All of these delivered in a caring, but neutral, almost calm tone. Not like a sad, jealous boyfriend might speak; not at all.
And then there were the moments of sudden clinginess when Blaine seemed as if he would never, ever let him go - always followed by distancing himself suddenly, cooling off. And not in the good way. They had the house to themselves for almost two whole days and they didn’t get any closer than kisses. Not that Kurt wanted to meet just to have sex, of course not - but the truth is, he’s missed Blaine; not just him, but his body too, his touches and hands and soft skin, his chest hair and curls where Kurt’s fingers tangled, his breathy sounds of arousal and his cock, in Kurt’s hand, his mouth, everywhere. He’s missed all this so bad it hurt. And yet… nothing. Not even a suggestion. Not a heated glance.
He sits on the bed, close to tears, but trying to keep them at bay because his dad or Finn or Carole can come in at any moment to talk some more before he goes away tomorrow at the insane morning hour. But he knows that as soon as everyone’s asleep, the tears will flow as if it was a real break-up and not just a foreseen one, looming over his head, more real with every minute he thinks about it.