Wrong. Chapter 15
15.
It takes hours for Kurt to truly understand what’s happened, what is still happening. He’s off the plane and in his empty dorm room, changing before heading to work, when it hits him: Blaine doesn’t really want them to be together anymore. Kurt’s first boyfriend, first lover, first everything really, is slowly, but surely falling out of love with him. When days ago Kurt was still dreaming about their future together here in New York, even going as far as secretly hoping for a wedding and, when he felt very daring, thinking about names for their future children, Blaine probably no longer wanted any of it. Not with Kurt, anyway. And he couldn’t even admit it, opting for distancing himself more and more. Hoping for what? That Kurt would say it himself, sparing him the ordeal? Or that there may still be a chance for them?
It’s getting late and Kurt really has to leave to get to his shift at the coffeeshop on time, but he can’t move - a huge gaping hole seems to suddenly have taken residence inside his chest, pain radiating from it until every move, every breath hurts. Yes, he’d always known it might happen one day. He isn’t stupid, he knows the statistics concerning the chances of a high school love - your first love - surviving college and becoming a life-long relationship. He’s heard it time and time again, from too many people. But still, all along, he’s been harboring hope that this love, their love, would be the rare exception, the kind of which people talk with envy and awe.
But apparently it isn’t meant to be. And they are so entangled in each other, have grown so close and deep into each others’ lives and hearts that separating himself from Blaine won’t be possible without tearing away parts of himself; blood, tears and agony. Even thinking about it is unbearable. Kurt wants to just curl in bed and cry himself to sleep, hoping that he will wake up in the morning and realize it was just a bad dream.
He doesn’t, though, forcing himself to move, to go on, to get busy. Maudling really won’t help - quite the contrary; if he’s losing Blaine, the only constant, only safe place apart from his family, he needs other things to anchor him and give him purpose. Studying, working, being with his friends - if he lets himself slip into the deep, deep hole of grieving over his relationship that hasn’t even ended yet, he won’t be able to do any of these and will ultimately lose them too. He has to focus on anything but Blaine. That’s the only way for him to survive this.
So Kurt grinds his teeth and moves. He gets to work only a little late and stays there until he can barely stand. Only then does he let himself go back to his room and fall on the bed, not even bothering to wash the smell of the coffeeshop off his skin. He’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, but the night is bad, dark dreams pressing heavily on his chest and waking him up repeatedly.
It takes every bit of Kurt’s willpower to focus during his classes on Monday; and filling all the spare moments with studying in the library and working helps only until he’s back in his dorm room that evening. At least Danny is there, too, and before Kurt knows it, he’s telling his friend about the disastrous trip home.
Danny whistles when Kurt’s finished.
“Wait, so you worked like a slave those previous weeks only to have your heart broken by the love of your life? Man, that’s harsh. I think it calls for some serious therapy. Tomorrow night, at the girls’ place. I’ll set it all up and get the booze. And don’t even try to say no. You need this.”
Kurt doesn’t protest. Maybe he does need it. At least, it’s a way to forget, even if only for one night.
So Tuesday at 8 he arrives with Danny at the apartment that Kathy, Michelle and Emily rent together and before Kurt knows it, he’s drunk and more angry than heartbroken for a change. An hour later he’s telling his friends about his boyfriend’s depression and the way he tried to kill himself, and how Kurt wanted to be there for him, support him because he loves Blaine, dammit, but instead he’s getting a cold shoulder and how is that even fair?
Victor’s deep voice sounds by Kurt’s side - too close, right in his personal space.
“Well, I’d say it’s all for the better, really. The man is clearly too weak to be good for you; you deserve someone better, stronger - “
He speaks on, but Kurt doesn’t hear anymore over a flood of words and sensations suddenly overflowing his brain. It feels like something clicked inside his head, shifted, releasing a memory - or a dream? There was a warm hand on the skin of his back and hot tears sliding over Kurt’s neck and chest, and there were words, so many words whispered quietly and urgently in Blaine’s voice, raw with emotion. He still doesn’t remember all of them, just bits and pieces, but even these are enough to make his head spin.
I’m weak, Kurt, so weak and a failure and just wrong. I don’t deserve your love, you need someone better because you are -
And,
I’m not getting better baby, I never will - it’s not the depression, it’s me, just me, that’s how I am, not good enough, never good enough -
And,
I’m sorry, please, I hope you’ll forgive me one day. It’s better like that, better for you, you’ll be better off without me.
And the words that hit Kurt like a bucket of cold water, clearing his alcohol-muddled brain faster that should be possible.
I love you so very much, I always will, Kurt. Even if I never get to tell you again, in my heart you will always be the one and only. Always.
Kurt’s up and on his way to the door before he even realizes what he’s doing. Someone calls after him, tries to stop him, but he doesn’t care. Grabbing his coat, he runs out into the night; he needs to sober up, to think, to remember.
An hour-long walk to his dorm through the freezing city helps with sobering and thinking, but not remembering. Kurt still can’t be sure if what he remembered are parts of a dream he had that Saturday night with Blaine, or if it actually happened when he was asleep, but maybe only half so. And it’s driving him crazy because this little detail is what changes everything.
If Blaine really said all those things to him - and he knows there were many more, he just can’t quite remember - it means that not only didn’t he stop loving Kurt; he’s pushing him away because he feels like he, Blaine, doesn’t deserve him. Which in turn means that his therapy clearly isn’t working, that maybe he’s even getting worse instead of better.
Sudden fear grips Kurt’s heart as he lies down on his dorm bed, not even bothering to undress. How can he find out what really happened? He could just call Blaine and ask him, but if his boyfriend really went to all this trouble to cover it all up, and did it so well that Kurt wasn’t able to realize it - well, then there’s no guarantee that his answer will solve the mystery. Kurt needs to find another way. And decide what he would do if that night scene really happened.
He doesn’t get up all Wednesday, skipping classes and work, too busy thinking, considering, planning. Nothing is more important than that now. Weighing his feelings and responsibilities, wondering where love ends and madness begins. Calculating risks and reactions and strengths. Finally, early Thursday morning, as soon as Danny leaves the room to grab some breakfast and coffee, Kurt takes a deep breath and calls the well known number. He feels sick, knowing what he’s about to do, but he needs to shake Blaine out of his masks and defenses; he needs him open and vulnerable, if only for a moment. He has to know.
Blaine’s voice is a bit slurry, sleep-rough when he answers, and Kurt uses that rare moment of half-awake honesty to ask.
“Blaine, I need to know. Do you want us to break up?”
The choked yes breaks his heart, but then he’s flooded with words and explanations and apologies, all of which come to one: You should find someone else, someone good, and live your life in New York without anything holding you back. Kurt’s not sure Blaine even knows what he’s saying by the end of it, his voice breaking and his words just barely covering the real meaning: Find someone better. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve you. That’s all Kurt needs to know, really.
After they disconnect, Kurt gets up quickly, his mind working on full speed already - planning, making to do lists, not a bit of hesitation left. All day he’s running around, talking to people; writing requests and filling forms; presenting his case; organizing things with his friends; packing his bag. He doesn’t think about how Blaine must feel now; he can’t afford it. He’ll think about it tomorrow.
Friday, at the crack of dawn, there are hugs and warm words and promises. And then Kurt’s boarding the plane, not looking back. He will return. But right now, he needs to be somewhere else.