Taking Chances - chapter 11
CHAPTER 11
The beginnings of what Kurt would very much want to become friendship one day are tense and awkward. He’s not exactly sure what he could do to signal his eagerness to meet Blaine outside of school again, without sounding too desperate. He’s never done any of this before; never really had a close friend.
But the truth is, Kurt is getting sort of desperate. Getting a taste of what it feels like to let himself open up to someone - and be accepted without reservation - brings to his attention the dull ache of keeping himself guarded so closely all the time. He needs this outlet now, at least every now and then, to stretch his cramped muscles. He needs Blaine to make his pretend life bearable until he can burst free from this prison of a town, into the sunshine of somewhere better.
Without much hope, he waits for Blaine to make a move, but frankly, he knows it’s his turn. With what Blaine told him before he left on Sunday, Kurt knows he wouldn’t push. So when Thursday afternoon rolls by with nothing more than quick smiles and greetings as they pass each other in the hallway, Kurt decides to man up and do something.
The way his hand trembles as he picks the number on his phone doesn’t look very manly, but whatever, Blaine can’t see him anyway. Except his voice doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo either and his “Hi!” comes out as a squeak he hasn’t heard himself make for a long time.
Shit. What are the chances that Blaine will believe Kurt has a sister or a little cousin who was just playing with his phone?
But before he has time to freak out too much, Blaine’s voice reaches his ear, warm and enthusiastic, and he remembers to breathe properly.
“Kurt, hi! Can you believe I was actually thinking about you right now?”
“You… you were?” Oh great, not only a prepubescent girl, but star-struck too.
“Yeah! I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me calling. I’ve been slaving over my French homework for two hours now and I’m still not sure I got it right, and you said French was your favorite subject, and - I guess I wanted to ask if you could drop by and help me with this damn language.” Kurt grins broadly as Blaine’s ramble picks up again, slightly frantic. “I mean, I don’t want to force you to spend time with me or anything, just - “ He starts to sound more and more anxious, so Kurt cuts in quickly.
“Sure I can help you. I’m on my way.”
There’s a relieved exhale. “Okay. Thanks. See you in a moment.”
Kurt doesn’t bother to look for his French notes, he just grabs the whole bag and almost runs to his car, elated.
Blaine is a quick learner, so after clarifying one grammar problem that he got wrong, Kurt can sit back and watch him breeze through the rest of their homework. After a while he cracks open his Calculus book to work on his own homework, since his French had been completed in class already. When he says that he’s the best student there, it’s not just empty words, after all.
Soon he’s so engrossed in Calculus problems that it’s only when he hears a loud yawn that Kurt remembers he’s not alone. Startled, he jumps up in his chair, but Blaine’s smile puts him at ease.
“What would you say for a break? Coffee, maybe? My brain is a half-asleep mush right now.”
This is when Kurt realizes that over an hour has passed. Blaine had completed his French and began to work in something else.
The kitchen is empty tonight - in fact, the whole house is quiet - so they drink their coffee by the table there, chatting about light, unimportant things, before going back to their books. The silence is only broken every now and then when they compare answers or bounce opinions about the assigned reading for their English class. It feels surprisingly good, to just sit next to each other, working on their homework. It’s peaceful and motivating at the same time, and soon they are both done, and it’s time for Kurt to go.
He’s been fighting with himself, afraid to sound too clingy, but as they say their goodbyes by the door, he can’t keep it in any longer.
“Can we do it again?” he blurts, just as Blaine begins with a bit of hesitation,
“Do you think we could -“
They laugh, and just like that, all the awkwardness is gone. Blaine gestures to Kurt to speak first, and it’s much easier now.
“I liked that. Studying with you. We could maybe… meet again, do our weekend homework together? At my place?”
Blaine nods eagerly. “I’d love that.”
The study sessions become their regular thing almost instantly. After the third one they stop asking if the other wants to meet again, and simply set up the next date. It’s not every day, there are families and a girlfriend and life in general, after all, but they end up meeting three or four afternoons a week. They do their homework and study for tests, and afterwards they always drink coffee and talk. After a few weeks they even start staying at each other’s homes for dinner sometimes.
Their conversations are neutral at first, guarded and light as they carefully settle into this new thing between them. Well, at least Kurt is careful and hesitant; Blaine seems to have a much easier time with it, though he keeps Kurt’s pace. But it’s barely a week before they start slipping into personal territory more and more often, learning about each other’s tastes and memories and dreams, exchanging views and thoughts without fear of judgment. Because there isn’t any, they quickly learn.
Soon, Kurt feels like there’s no need for secrets between them; the easy comfort and instant understanding creates a safe zone when he’s with Blaine, and it feels wonderful. They talk about their past school experiences - Kurt about his middle school, Blaine about his first high school, his coming out and the disastrous Sadie Hawkins dance. It makes Kurt bite his lip, swallowing tears, and want to just hug him.
Then there’s a conversation about the moment each of them realized they were gay, and their reactions and fears after that. The natural next subject, two days later, is families. Kurt learns that Blaine’s mom never had any problem with his sexuality, while his father still avoids the topic - more because of awkwardness than lack of acceptance, probably. Kurt in turn tells Blaine about losing his mom and how hard it is sometimes to be just with his dad, no matter how much they love and care for each other.
Before he knows it, Kurt’s spilling his fears of the reaction he’d receive from everyone around if he came out - a long, rambling monologue to which Blaine listens patiently. Just talking about it aloud helps clear it all out in Kurt’s head. He realizes that it’s his dad’s reaction he fears most - this and the way the truth would influence their everyday life, his dad’s garage and all this. He’s not even seriously considering revealing who he is at school, so thinking about it is quite abstract, but he’d really like to be honest with his father. Except he’s not sure he could survive if his dad rejected him because of who he is.
Which he almost certainly wouldn’t. But it’s so much easier to believe when Blaine says it with utter conviction than when Kurt tried to tell himself the same. And frankly, if Kurt thinks about it without the ripples of anxiety distorting the image, the way Burt treats Blaine should be proof enough. He obviously likes Kurt’s new friend a lot. He always insists for him to call him Burt (which Blaine always seems to forget by the next time), chats with him at every occasion, even goes so far as inviting Blaine for their traditional Friday family dinner, which makes Kurt’s jaw drop in shock.
Slowly but surely, their new friendship starts to leak into their time at school, too. By mid-April Kurt has trouble keeping his facades up in Blaine’s presence. It’s most obvious in Glee. It’s impossible not to raise suspicions, even while sitting apart; there are plenty of little things that give them away: a grin too wide to be casual, a look of mutual understanding, a fit of chuckles at the same time due to some inside joke. Santana is already watching them with hawk eyes, looking for any further slip, but it’s Quinn who finally asks the unavoidable question.
“So you’re friends with Anderson now?”
Kurt’s been quietly dreading this moment for the last week or two. He’s had noticeably less time for her since he started meeting with Blaine on a regular basis, they haven’t even made out lately, not to mention any further developments, but she’s been surprisingly fine with it so far. Better than fine, in fact - she’s been really chipper. Kurt thought it may have been the spring, finally coming in earnest and filling every day with sun and the fresh green of sprouting leaves. But it seems his luck has finally run out one Friday morning when Quinn asks about Blaine.
Kurt isn’t sure what they are, they’ve never named it - he feels like Blaine’s the best friend he’s ever had, but does Blaine think so too? He shrugs, feigning lack of interest and choosing his words carefully. They may be a couple, but if crossed, Quinn would make a formidable enemy.
“Blaine? I don’t know if I’d say so much. We talk sometimes.” He looks at her to weigh her reaction. “He’s not bad, you know? It’s nice to have an intelligent discussion with someone other than you sometimes. Just, don’t tell the girls. I had enough teasing about him molesting me when we were working on that project together.”
Quinn nods. With a smile, which Kurt doesn’t understand. He expected her to remind him how much of a loser Blaine was, scold him for neglecting her and their duties as The Popular Couple. She wanted them to discuss their campaign for Prom King and Queen weeks ago and finally did the posters herself. Kurt expected hell for that. Yet - nothing, just a smile.
“I know, they are so silly sometimes. It’s not like you can catch gay, after all. I won’t tell, though I could drop a hint here and there that we’re both cool with Blaine. It may ease things up for him a little.” Kurt’s face must be a picture of surprise, because she shrugs. “What? I have nothing against him, personally. So he likes to learn - well, so do I. He’s nice, easy on the eyes and he sings really well. And so what if he’s gay? Some people are.”
She smiles and turns to join the girls in front of the classroom, leaving Kurt with his mouth slightly open. He’s always assumed Quinn had the same narrow-minded opinions about sexuality that her parents and most of people in this school do, but now that he thinks of it, he can’t remember ever hearing a single sexually-based insult falling from her lips. Huh. Interesting what you can still learn about your girlfriend after two years of relationship.
Not to mention, what got into her? She could be a queen bitch sometimes, but lately she’s seemed like she was dipped in honey, all happy and sweet.
He has to admit that her offer to influence the cheerleaders’ attitude towards Blaine (and thereby indirectly, the jocks’, too) made him want to hug her really, really tight. Because this has been one of the hardest things in the past month he’s been getting closer to Blaine. Not everyone notices what Kurt does now - that Blaine not only isn’t a loser, but is in fact one of the most interesting, sweet people he’s ever known. And as much as he’d love to make them see it, he can’t do anything directly. Blaine’s still being pushed and laughed at and slushied almost daily, and all Kurt can do is try to distract the attackers whenever he has a chance. He’s been feeling terribly guilty about it for weeks now, no matter how many times Blaine told him it wasn’t his fault. Hopefully Quinn, of all people, will help.
But the more Kurt thinks about it, the more determined he is to do something more. People like Blaine, like so many others, shouldn’t have to be afraid to come to school every day. After a weekend of considering all the options and scouting the internet for inspiration, he slips into Coach Sylvester’s office on Monday morning, a thick folder clutched in his hand.
It may not help, but he needs to try.
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Next time: At first Kurt thinks that it’s just his imagination.