Taking Chances - chapter 15
CHAPTER 15
Burt Hummel is still up when his son comes home; sitting in his chair with a beer and a bowl of nachos, watching a game. He smiles widely, seeing the crown on Kurt’s head, but then concern flashes through his features.
“Kurt, is everything alright? I didn’t expect you until noon at least.”
Kurt smiles reassuringly. Now that the time has come, he’s less nervous than he thought he’d be. Hardly at all, to be honest. His dad loves him; nothing would change that. This is the one essential truth that’s always been the core of Kurt’s universe. He never doubted it; there’s no reason to start now.
“I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
He can see panic in his dad’s eyes. “Is it about… you’re not in trouble, are you? With Quinn?”
Kurt can’t help snorting with sudden laughter. Of all the things… “No, dad. I’m not in trouble. But I haven’t been exactly honest with you for some time now, and I don’t want to hold it up any longer.”
He comes up to sit on the arm of his dad’s chair and Burt turns off the TV, giving him his undivided attention. “Whatever it is, son, you know that I love you. You can tell me anything.”
“I know. I love you too, dad.” He takes a deep breath before looking his dad straight in the eyes. “You should know that Quinn and I… we broke up. Two weeks ago. Because… because I’m gay, dad.”
There’s a beat of silence hanging in the air between them, heavy with possibilities and fears, and then Kurt is pulled down into his dad’s strong arms, like so many times in the past, before he built all the walls around. He feels himself relax into the embrace, the tension he’s been carrying around for so long gone at last. It will be alright. His dad and him, they’ll be fine.
Still, it’s a shock when his father murmurs into his shoulder. “I know.”
Kurt pulls away rapidly. “What?”
“I’ve known since you were three, Kurt. The only thing you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.” Kurt giggles, his eyes tearing up. “When you said you had a girlfriend, and it lasted more than a few weeks, I thought I was wrong. And let me tell you, I was relieved, because your life would be so much easier like this. But somewhere deep, I knew all along. And I love you just as much.”
Kurt is crying openly now, years of anxiety and the weight of his secret vanishing, leaving him feeling lighter and more free than he remembers feeling for years. It’s heady and intoxicating, a pleasant buzz in his head and heart. He hugs his dad again and they stay like this for a while, savoring the moment. Because as good as it feels to be this honest and this close, they both know that this is just the first step on a rough road. No matter when Kurt comes out to the world in general, no matter where - there will always be people who will hate and despise him for that; there will be hardships most don’t have to endure. And no matter how hard Kurt will try to protect his dad, some of this hatred will spill and taint him, too. They will both need a lot of strength and courage, but they can do it. They are the Hummels.
Ten minutes later they are sitting at the kitchen table, the place where they always end up for all the important conversations. A bowl of early strawberries between them, they’re chatting as they slowly settle into a new situation.
“So are you going to tell people at school now?”
Kurt shakes his head. “No. I wanted to tell you and Quinn, because I’m tired of lying. And Blaine has known for some time already. The rest… I don’t know. I’m not ready to be a target - even with the new policy and no actual bullying, it can get unpleasant sometimes. I’ve spent all of my high school life so far doing everything to avoid being bullied. And it worked - I’m popular, no one’s ever dared to touch me. But so what if I can’t do what I want, be who I am… I can’t even admit that Blaine’s my best friend. I’m tired of it.”
“Is it worth it?” His dad pops a ripe strawberry into his mouth.
“I thought it was. But now… I’m not so sure. I feel like the price of safety is too high, I’m losing too much. Like… um.” He feels himself blush, hesitating for a moment. But then, who else can he ask? “Dad, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“When you like someone… how do you know that you like them? That it’s not just, I don’t know, wishful thinking, or just attraction, or something like that?” He busies himself with shredding the paper towel he just used to wipe strawberry juice off his fingers. His dad clears his throat, looking uncomfortable.
“You just know, I guess, you feel it in your gut. You want to see them as often as you can, or just hear their voice, and when you do, you get happy and excited. You can’t stop thinking about them. You can imagine yourself together, in a relationship. You think of their happiness before your own. Stuff like that.”
Kurt looks up, surprised - he didn’t really expect such a detailed answer. “Sounds like you remember it pretty well.”
“I may, um, have been reminded lately.” Burt rubs his balding head self-consciously and Kurt can swear he’s blushing. He squeals and bounces in his seat.
“Oh my god, dad, that’s wonderful! When do I get to meet her?”
There’s relief clear in his dad’s eyes as he answers with a question. “You don’t mind?”
“Of course not, it’s been years, dad. You’re still young, and I want you to be happy. Oh, I can’t wait to meet the lucky lady!”
“You will.” Kurt can see that his dad is tempted to ask more about the person he might like, but he doesn’t.
And Kurt is relieved. What he feels is so fresh and so confusing that the inability to contact Blaine suddenly feels like a blessing more than a curse.
He’s single. What does he do now, what does he want? The weekend feels like an awfully short time to think about all of that.
Blaine and him, they need to talk, face to face. Because the fact that Kurt is no longer with Quinn is just the beginning, the first block in a domino. It changes things. But now what? What does that mean for Kurt? Potentially - dare he say it - for both of them?
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Next chapter: He knows exactly the moment it happens.