It's Not Babysitting - chapter 21/27
Author's Note: The second song that I really, really want you to listen to comes in this chapter. It may be the most important song in this whole story, so please make sure you are able to listen to it; I think lyrics just aren't enough. And it's a lovely song.
When you reach it, stop reading for a moment. Close your eyes. See inside Kurt's head.
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CHAPTER 21
Contrary to popular belief, Cooper wasn't completely oblivious or so obsessed with his job that he saw nothing beyond it. He just tended to focus solely on things that mattered at any given time, and ignored everything else.
Lately, what mattered was his baby brother.
At first glance, Blaine was doing well - now. There'd been a period of adjustment back in January, with both of them trying to find their places in the new situation. Soon though, Blaine had adapted to the changed circumstances both at home and at school. His grades were excellent, he got on well with people, even went on a few dates. In the three months that passed since he'd moved to New York, he acted content and thriving.
Acted being the key word.
Blaine may not have realized, but Cooper saw more than he let on. Like how lonely his brother really was. Blaine had no close friends here - Kurt was out of the picture, Meg rarely had time now with all of her extracurriculars, and no one at school cared to really get close to the new kid mere months before graduation. There was a show choir there, but they didn't let new people in so late in the school year - or so Blaine said.
And he didn't even have his usual comfort of a piano. It was the one thing he loved that he couldn't take with him when he left Westerville. And since it would require major remodeling to fit a piano in their apartment, they'd decided that for now, Blaine would practice at school. Still, it wasn't the same as having it literally at his fingertips at any time, and Cooper knew it.
He also knew that Blaine still missed Kurt. He knew exactly how often the smile on his face was just a mask put on to keep Cooper from worrying. He saw the melancholy creep into Blaine's eyes when he thought no one was looking. Cooper would never break the kid's confidence by going through the journal he knew he kept, but he didn't have to. The number of times he'd heard Blaine call Kurt's name in his sleep was enough to know that he still hadn't gotten over him.
And yet, he'd never once asked Cooper about him. He hadn't mentioned Kurt's name in a conversation since that night back in December.
If Blaine wanted to know, Cooper would tell him all about the big changes in Kurt's life, what with him signing a contract with La Nuit to be one of their permanent designers. He would mention how much Kurt worked now, always taking on more, and how tired and drawn he seemed whenever he managed to make time to meet his friends. He would casually drop in the random observation about how sad Kurt's eyes always were in spite of his dreams coming true, or about his reluctance to date anymore, supposedly because of lack of time. He'd tell his brother that Kurt missed him too.
As it was, he didn't.
But the whole situation was exhausting! Those two idiots were both still in love, and no matter how furious Cooper had been at the mere thought of them being together back when he first learned about it, things had changed. It was high time they did something to end this infuriating impasse, if only so that Cooper could get back to his usual efficiency at work.
Really, enough was enough.
So one sunny Saturday at the beginning of April he did something that he wished someone had done for him and Amita, years ago: He interfered. It was just one sentence dropped carelessly over lunch with his two friends. A slip of the tongue, of course.
"Okay, sorry guys, I gotta go, I promised Bee I'd make dinner today for a change."
That was enough.
Kurt's eyes grew wide, but he made a decent attempt at sounding neutral.
"Oh, is Blaine visiting?"
Seb chuckled, not even looking away from tapping something on his phone. "I wonder how you’ll explain this shit now."
Cooper pretended to be horrified. "Fuck. I wasn't supposed to... Damn, can you forget I said that?"
"No." Oh, good. He'd hoped Kurt wouldn't just let it pass.
"Shit. I promised I wouldn't tell you, but... looks like I already did. Oh well. Blaine lives with me now. Full time."
"Oh." Kurt took a shaky breath and forced his face into composure. It was so quick Cooper wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't known him so well. "What about his school?"
"He transferred, right after Christmas. It was a bit of a challenge but Seb helped -" Cooper didn't miss the vicious look Kurt threw Sebastian, who just shrugged, "and we managed to pull it off. I couldn't just leave him back in Ohio. I hate that I had for so long before."
Concern furrowed Kurt's brow. "Your father...?"
"Yeah. I promised Bee I'd come home for Christmas and... fuck, if only I'd known earlier... I just couldn't leave him in that poisoned house a day longer. No matter what."
He cleared his throat, which was tightening again. Blaine was safe now, but Cooper would never stop feeling guilty that it had taken him so long to get his shit together. The emotions must have shown on his face because alarm flared in Kurt's eyes.
"Did he -" He didn't have to finish; Cooper understood. His own mind had gone the same path first.
"No, he never hit Blaine. I asked. He just... can you imagine living in the atmosphere of daily, casual homophobia? At your own home?" He sighed and shook his head. "I didn't know it was that bad. Bee never told me."
"What about your mother? You never talk about her. Does she share your father's views?"
Cooper shook his head. "Not really, but she wouldn't do anything about it. She loves Blaine - she loves both of us, I guess - and she would try to make him feel better in her own little ways, but she wouldn't intervene. She was raised to believe it's not a woman's place to argue with her husband's decisions, you know? He's the man of the family, which means he's always right."
"I'm glad you took him in, then." Kurt was trying - and failing - not to let the magnitude of emotions shaking him seep out. "I'd ask you to tell Blaine hi from me, but clearly it wouldn't be welcome. Not that I blame him." He focused on finishing his coffee, then looked at his watch with an exaggerated surprise. "Oh, I guess I should be going too. I promised Julian I'd send him the new sketches by Monday morning and they're still not ready."
The minute he was out the door, Seb looked at Cooper with a raised eyebrow and shook his head.
"Meddler." Cooper only shrugged, and Sebastian smiled wistfully. "I totally won, by the way. Remember our bet? If this isn't our little Kurt in love, I don't know what is. Still needs to take his head out of his ass and fix things, but, loooove. Now pay up."
Cooper went home a hundred dollars poorer that afternoon. He didn't mind in the slightest.
All his meddling seemed to be for naught, though.
Assuming Kurt wouldn't last long before calling Blaine under some pretext, Cooper had come clean to his brother as soon as he returned home - well, half-clean, maybe, leaving out the part of it being far from an accident. It was only fair to let Blaine be prepared. He expected anger, with a dash of excitement, maybe. Instead, there was only a shrug before Blaine went back to studying.
The way he stopped leaving his phone everywhere and startled every time it rang gave him away, though.
Still, days and then weeks passed and Kurt didn't try to contact Blaine even once. What's more, he stopped having time to meet with Coop and Sebastian. He claimed he was busy designing, sewing, travelling to Boston every week; always talking about work and Julian. Constantly, Julian.
And as Blaine's smile kept getting weaker and less frequent, Cooper cursed himself for interfering. He'd only made it worse.
***
Kurt was slowly and deliberately drowning himself in work.
It started small, as a coping technique. Alcohol was neither practical nor fun in the long run, and he quickly discovered that going back to casual hook-ups - fighting fire with fire, so to speak - was no longer appealing to him.
He had to do something else. If he hadn't, he would have too much time to notice how much he hated coming home to an empty apartment and waking up alone. To reflect on the fact that nothing seemed to make him happy lately.
To admit that Cooper's latest revelation was like a punch to the gut, because it only confirmed what Kurt had been trying not to believe all along: that Blaine really wanted nothing to do with him anymore. That Kurt had screwed up and there was no turning back.
So he worked.
Fortunately, it turned out La Nuit thrived on people like him - young, talented and determined to succeed. They didn’t treat his avalanches of ideas as a threat to their regular designers, like some other fashion houses might. On the contrary - they appreciated his work and encouraged him to follow his fashion instinct, which proved pretty damn good more than once. Julian, who'd become his company "sponsor" and greatest supporter, couldn't stop wondering that Kurt hadn't been discovered earlier, and had made it his personal mission to see him succeed.
They worked at some projects together and as months went by, they'd become friends. Kurt had even stayed overnight at Julian's a couple of times when he'd been too tired to drive back home after a designing/brainstorming session in Boston. Julian's wife, an adorable tiny creature (with a huge belly right now, as they were expecting twins in June), had virtually adopted Kurt on the spot and kept trying to fatten him up every time they'd met.
As time passed, Kurt worked more and more. By the end of April, he had virtually no free time left - socializing got cut first, then proper cooking and any sleep he could spare; but it was okay. He had the job of his dreams where he could work from home, in his own time and on his own terms. He was doing what he loved, for a company he'd admired for years, and it looked like he was on a fast track to the top.
So why wasn't he happy, dammit?
Of course, he knew why. He could pretend all he wanted, work until he dropped; he could hide from his thoughts and feelings, but he would never be able to run away from the mark on his own heart - the one that Blaine had left despite all of Kurt's defenses and precautions, with just the softest touch, tender, sincere words and a smile that made Kurt dizzy.
He knew he couldn't escape, but it didn't mean he'd stop trying. He wouldn't, because there was no alternative. And if this was his punishment for being stupid, so be it.
Even if he was no longer sure which particular stupidity he meant: letting love in or pushing Blaine away. Probably both.
Working from home and on his own schedule had a lot of benefits and a few drawbacks, one of them being the fact that his body clock was completely messed up now. Usually, he just worked until he crashed, no matter what time it was, slept for a few hours and then woke up to work again. Sometimes he couldn't fall asleep. Sometimes he forgot to. Sometimes he found himself sitting on the floor, desperate and aching, with a phone in his hand and his finger hovering over Blaine's number, until he'd finally deleted it during one such night - to prevent himself from going against Blaine's wishes and trying to push himself back into his life.
The rational part of his brain kept telling him he couldn't live like this much longer, that he should take better care of himself or he was going to make himself sick. But then the reality check would come: who cared? He had no one to motivate him to take care of himself. So what if he died younger because of his unhealthy lifestyle? At least he'd leave behind fabulous designs and a name that would hopefully be widely recognized by fashion-conscious people everywhere.
If only the exhaustion didn't affect the connection between his brain and his hand, he pondered one May morning, leaving his apartment to go to the nearest coffeeshop. He hoped that the walk (and coffee, and ooh maybe a bagel) would help him clear his head and stay awake long enough to finish the newest batch of sketches. He had a fantastic dress idea - lace, velvet and intricate silver details - that he really wanted to draw out and save before he crashed.
He was running over the details of the design in his head as he entered the coffeeshop, considering sketching particular parts rather than the complete dress, when a familiar figure caught his eye and he turned to look, distracted.
And froze, rooted to the spot.
Kurt hadn't seen him in eight and a half months - and it didn't matter at all. His heart flew, soared just as swift and high as it had back in August, if not more so. He felt something deep down give way, something fall back into place, and he was too surprised and too exhausted to try and fight it. He could only stand and stare at Blaine's profile as he waited in line a few feet from Kurt, unaware of his presence.
Standing and just breathing, feeling everything suddenly settle softly and perfectly, Kurt wondered why the hell it had seemed so complicated. Why he'd fought it so, when it was right and obvious and easy. Why hadn't anyone smacked him on the head and told him some things don't need planning or thinking or having control over. Some things just are. Sometimes all you have to do is surrender.
He didn't know when he moved, didn't even realize he had, but then Blaine finished ordering his coffee and turned, and suddenly they were face to face, Blaine's golden eyes wide, and Kurt could only breathe out, "Bee."
***
Blaine had been wondering how he would act, what he'd feel when he inevitably met Kurt again one day. Between both of them playing important roles in Cooper's life and how close they lived to each other now, it was bound to happen sooner or later. And since Blaine's heart stubbornly refused to accept that any relationship they'd had was over, he anxiously expected that moment to be awkward, painful or/and terrifying.
What he hadn't expected was his brain completely ignoring the time and distance and everything that had happened since they'd last seen each other, and jumping right to loving, caring mode. But he couldn't help it, especially with Kurt looking so... not-okay; paler than usual and clearly exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes, his hair mussed and a streak of what looked like graphite dust on his cheekbone. All Blaine's instincts, all his feelings kicked in immediately and he barely managed to stop himself from just reaching and smoothing his fingers over Kurt's cheek.
Instead, he grabbed a wooden stirrer to have something to play with.
"Kurt. It's good to see you."
And it was true; there was no awkwardness, but when had there ever been any between them? It felt like they had just parted yesterday and now everything clicked back into place, seamlessly.
"You're up already? Or still? It's barely 7:30. Have you even slept today?"
There was a slow, dazed smile spreading over Kurt's face and really, how could Blaine have believed that he was able to live his life without this man in it? As a friend if nothing else, but there. Clearly he'd been a deluded idiot but he would definitely make sure to fix this mistake now.
Kurt spoke at last, his eyes still wide and bright even though his voice sounded rough and breathless.
"I could definitely use some rest but... have coffee with me?"
Blaine glanced at the clock over the counter and winced. "I can't, I've got to run or I'll be late for class, but... tomorrow? I should be home around 4:30. Come over after that and we'll go from there?"
Kurt beamed. "Perfect. See you tomorrow then."
***
In the end Kurt didn't get his coffee or a bagel. He just went home, grinning like a loon, and faceplanted on the bed. He was out like a light and when he woke up, it was nineteen hours later and he felt like a new man. A new, hopeful man.