Learning To Breathe Again (Chapter 11)
A/N: Please don’t hate me, I promise I’m not just screwing with them for no reason.
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CHAPTER 11. Earthquake
Life sped up after Regionals. With therapy twice a week and plenty of mental exercises to do in between, with a mother who came home to eat dinner with him and spend time together almost every day, not to mention schoolwork to pick up, Blaine suddenly had very little time on his hands. For the next three weeks he hardly saw Kurt outside of school, managing only to meet twice for coffee and spend one afternoon in Lima, where everyone wanted to know how he was doing and showered him with affection. He missed them and was glad they all understood his lack of time and encouraged him to do whatever he needed to recover.
And he was already doing better. The therapy was a hard, painful work that brought him to tears more than once, but he put every effort in it - repeating the details of the attack to desensitize his mind to it, learning techniques to fight fear, stop panic and deactivate the triggers. In the beginning he actually got worse for a week and he still had a long way to go now, but lately he slept more and was able to better concentrate at school. The fact that he had much more support now helped as well. The Warblers kept taking care of him, Kurt was always just a phone call away, and now his own home was no longer hostile territory. His mom was determined to rebuild the relationship between them and even though she was a full-time businesswoman now, she did her best to be there for him as much as she could. She knew his story, every detail of it, and tried to help him with his exercises. They slowly developed new trust in each other and Blaine only now really let himself feel how much he’d missed his mother’s love all this time. Even his father seemed to be trying to change. He apologized for not believing him, stopped throwing cold, cutting remarks regarding Blaine’s life choices and future prospects and actually tried to be nice for a change, and even just this was a huge improvement in the quality of their family life.
Still, he missed Kurt badly. It was a constant ache in his chest, an emptiness that he couldn’t fill with anything else. So in the third week he just asked his mother if she would mind his spending the weekend at Kurt’s. After a quick phone call to Carole to check if it was okay with them, he got permission, and on Friday he went home with his boyfriend, with the blissful perspective of two full days and three nights together. He spent the whole drive talking with Kurt, unhurried for once, and staring at his lovely profile. He felt quiet contentment take over the usual chaos of his thoughts - he was going to a safe, friendly place, to spend time with the person he loved and the family that cared about him a lot. His life was slowly falling into place. It was good.
It all shattered as soon as they entered the house.
***
Kurt barely closed the front door behind them when Puck flew out of the living room and almost slammed into him.
“Kurt! Oh, hi Blaine, you’re here too. Good, you’ll both want to know.”
“Know what?”
“Come on, sit down.” Puck was already pushing Kurt impatiently into the living room, Blaine hovering uncertainly behind. The room was empty and they could hear dishes clattering in the kitchen. Carole was probably preparing dinner.
“So, what is this about? You look terrifyingly excited.”
“I raced here right after the training, I even skipped the shower. I had to let you know before the girls learn about it and start to pressure you.”
“Learn about what and pressure me to do what? Also, eww.”
“To go back.”
“Puck, have you been eating your grandma’s special cupcakes again? What are you talking about?”
“Okay, get this. Karofsky transferred out. Nobody knows where. Rumor has it, his old man found him jerking off over - wait for it - gay porn. Apparently he admitted he played for the other team. Karofsky, can you believe it? And then he had a breakdown, screaming he can’t come back to McKinley, that they will torture him to death there if they know, and he’s not you and he can’t stand it. I don’t know how much truth there is in this shit, but the fact is, his father came to get all his things today and coach Beiste confirmed it. He’s out.”
Kurt fought to keep his face impassive. It wasn’t easy. As much as he despised and feared Karofsky, he felt sorry for him now - this way of coming out must be every gay boy’s worst nightmare. Still, he didn’t entirely understand the urgency in Puck’s voice.
“Okay, but so what?”
“Don’t you get it? As soon as everyone knows, they will try to make you come back to McKinley. To Glee. Because we need you and you could go to Nationals with us. And you’d be safe now. I just thought that I’d give you heads up, so that you have time to think if you even want to come back before they force you into anything.”
“Wow. Puck, I’m actually speechless. It’s incredibly thoughtful of you.”
“I have my moments. Okay, I’m gonna run. I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
His phone rang seconds later, before he even had time to process what he heard, and it was just as Puck said. For nearly an hour he talked with Rachel, Tina and Mercedes, telling them that yes, he heard and no, he didn’t think about it yet and yes, he did need to think, it isn’t that easy and give me some time, girls. But just as Puck predicted, they were determined and it took a lot of time and effort - and a solemn promise to call them as soon as he decides - to finally get them to hang up. All this time, engrossed in the chaos of the news and ecstatic girls, he didn’t notice how pale Blaine got, how tight he clutched the handles of his overnight bag, his knuckles white. If he did, he would chuck the phone in a heartbeat and jump to reassure him that he’s not going anywhere.
But it may have been a good thing he didn’t. Because frankly, he wouldn’t be able to say it with utter conviction.
Would he stay at Dalton, in this golden cage, now that he didn’t have to anymore?
***
Blaine felt his insides freeze when he listened to Puck. He understood the implications of Karofsky’s transfer immediately, even if Kurt didn’t get it at first. It meant only one obvious thing: Kurt would leave Dalton. And ultimately, Kurt would leave him, too. He knew it for sure.
Kurt never really felt at home at Dalton, never fit in. He was a free spirit, his individuality too great to suppress. It wasn’t easy for him to conform to the ridiculously strict private school rules. He would never be happy there, always forced to change, always with his wings bound. Besides, he had friends at McKinley, people he liked, loved even, and missed every day - Blaine could see it in his eyes whenever he talked about them. He had his old Glee club there, where he could perform what he wanted to, where he got to shine even if they never actually gave him a solo. And he had a chance to go to New York, to Nationals - and Blaine knew how big of a dream it was for him, how bitter the disappointment was when the Warblers lost at Regionals. If you added the simple financial argument to the mix, there really was no reason for Kurt to stay at Dalton even a day longer.
Or rather, there was one. Just one silly, weak, immaterial reason. Him. Which of course wouldn’t mean much against everything else. There was no way Kurt would stay at school he didn’t feel good at, rejecting the chance to reunite with his friends, to be free to express himself, see New York and ease it financially for his family, just so that he could stay with his boyfriend. Even if this boyfriend needed him like air right now.
Of course, he wouldn’t make it harder for Kurt, pointing out his own needs. He would grin and bear it. He’d pretend to believe that it wouldn’t change anything. He’d pretend not to be brokenhearted when Kurt has less and less time for him, busy with his separate life. He’d finally pretend to accept it when one day Kurt would say it doesn’t make sense anymore, and then he’d go home and pretend to be okay.
He couldn’t listen to Kurt’s conversation with the Glee girls after a while, each word taunting him with false hope, so he stood up silently and left the room. He put his bag by the stairs, to pick it up later, and went to the kitchen where Carole was peeling potatoes for dinner and humming quietly. Without a word, he grabbed the second peeler from a drawer and moved to help. Her eyes brightened in a smile and she hugged him awkwardly, keeping her wet hands away.
“Hi sweetie. I’m so glad you came at last! Talk to me, I want to know everything! How’s school? And your parents? How do you feel?”
“Good. It’s all getting better. My grades are up, although not back to normal yet. Life at home is infinitely better and I can’t thank you enough for this. My mom even wants to meet Kurt soon, you know? She’s actually excited about it. I’m okay, I guess. It’s still a battle, but at least now I’m being trained to fight.”
“And yet something is wrong. You look… defeated. What happened?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, young man. You wouldn’t look like you were about to cry if it was nothing.”
“Okay, so it’s not nothing, but it’s not anything I can help.”
“Tell me.”
“It’s… about Kurt.”
“Kurt? Did he do something?”
“No, no. It’s just… Did you talk with Noah? Did he tell you why he was here?”
“Yes, he wanted to tell Kurt about that bully transferring out.”
“Exactly.”
“And?”
“And now Kurt’s on the phone with half of his old Glee club convincing him to get back to McKinley as fast as he can. And I understand it, just… I’ll miss him, you know? And I’m not sure long distance relationships ever work, especially in high school, and after such a short time, so…”
“And you’re so certain he’ll want to transfer back?”
“Of course he will.”
“I don’t know, I think he may still surprise you. But, of course, it’s his decision to make. I’m just saying, don’t lose sleep over it yet.”
But Blaine just knew. He knew he didn’t stand a chance and tried to prepare to take this blow. Still, it hurt too much to even think about it, so when Kurt touched the subject in the evening, he stopped him.
“Kurt, this is your decision. I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I’ll understand and support you.”
When they were entering the house earlier that afternoon, Blaine was planning the fastest route to the bedroom, to kiss his boyfriend silly after all this time. But now, he just wanted to cuddle. To get so close that he could feel Kurt under his skin, inhale him, remember his warmth and his touch forever.
Puck came again on Saturday, as he promised, bringing Santana with him. Soon, he and Finn were in the middle of a Halo 3 game and Kurt was distracting them, asking about the recent Glee news, no doubt impatient to just be back with them already. Blaine was sitting on the floor a little further away, watching them - okay, mostly him - discreetly. Or at least he thought he was discreet until Santana sat by him with a knowing smirk.
“So, you and Kurt then?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“To me? Always. But I heard from Finn, actually. So why are you moping?”
“I’m not.”
“Oh believe me, you are. So much your aura turned all blue.”
“What?”
“No, okay, I totally made it up. But seriously, what’s wrong? You can tell Auntie Tanny.”
“It’s just that with Kurt moving back to McKinley…”
“Wait, what? Is he transferring back? Did he tell you that?”
“Well, no. He’s still thinking about it. But he will.”
“You’re so sure about that.”
“I am. What would he stay at Dalton for when the only reason he’d transferred is gone?”
“Let me think. You, maybe?”
“Right. Like just a boyfriend is a good enough reason.”
“Just a boyfriend might not be. A boyfriend he’s totally in love with would stand a bigger chance. If the boyfriend actually needed him there, I’d say the chances would be pretty good.”
Blaine startled. It sounded as if she knew something. “What are you…”
“Honey. I may not look like it, but I know things. I notice things. And let me tell you - I may not have always been a fan of Hummel here, but I know he has the biggest freaking heart in that whole school. He may not like to show it, but it’s there. He can’t help it. He cares. And the way he looks at you? He cares more than I’ve ever seen him care. I’d just trust him, if I were you. He won’t hurt you.”
“Thanks, Tanny.”
But deep down, he knew he would end up hurt anyway.
***
Kurt would love to say it was an easy decision, but it would be a lie. He weighted his options, put them on a mental scale: Dalton on one side, McKinley on the other. The school that he didn’t fit in but where Blaine was vs. that with all his friends, his old Glee club, Nationals, the school he’d never really wanted to leave in the first place. It was pretty obvious what the scales would show, but still, his heart ached a little at that choice. He gave himself a deadline: he’d decide by Sunday evening. So he deliberated on it all weekend. It never really left his mind, this nagging thought: would it be the right thing to do? Blaine said he’d understand either way, but would he really? He didn’t seem to know just how important it was for Kurt. Would he withdraw when he told him? Would he be able to accept it? Or would he freak out?
Finally, the decision had to be made. So he made it.
It wouldn’t be easy, but they would survive.
Now he just had to talk to his dad, make sure it was okay with him, before he told Blaine.
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In the next chapter: Aftershocks
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CHAPTER 11. Earthquake
Life sped up after Regionals. With therapy twice a week and plenty of mental exercises to do in between, with a mother who came home to eat dinner with him and spend time together almost every day, not to mention schoolwork to pick up, Blaine suddenly had very little time on his hands. For the next three weeks he hardly saw Kurt outside of school, managing only to meet twice for coffee and spend one afternoon in Lima, where everyone wanted to know how he was doing and showered him with affection. He missed them and was glad they all understood his lack of time and encouraged him to do whatever he needed to recover.
And he was already doing better. The therapy was a hard, painful work that brought him to tears more than once, but he put every effort in it - repeating the details of the attack to desensitize his mind to it, learning techniques to fight fear, stop panic and deactivate the triggers. In the beginning he actually got worse for a week and he still had a long way to go now, but lately he slept more and was able to better concentrate at school. The fact that he had much more support now helped as well. The Warblers kept taking care of him, Kurt was always just a phone call away, and now his own home was no longer hostile territory. His mom was determined to rebuild the relationship between them and even though she was a full-time businesswoman now, she did her best to be there for him as much as she could. She knew his story, every detail of it, and tried to help him with his exercises. They slowly developed new trust in each other and Blaine only now really let himself feel how much he’d missed his mother’s love all this time. Even his father seemed to be trying to change. He apologized for not believing him, stopped throwing cold, cutting remarks regarding Blaine’s life choices and future prospects and actually tried to be nice for a change, and even just this was a huge improvement in the quality of their family life.
Still, he missed Kurt badly. It was a constant ache in his chest, an emptiness that he couldn’t fill with anything else. So in the third week he just asked his mother if she would mind his spending the weekend at Kurt’s. After a quick phone call to Carole to check if it was okay with them, he got permission, and on Friday he went home with his boyfriend, with the blissful perspective of two full days and three nights together. He spent the whole drive talking with Kurt, unhurried for once, and staring at his lovely profile. He felt quiet contentment take over the usual chaos of his thoughts - he was going to a safe, friendly place, to spend time with the person he loved and the family that cared about him a lot. His life was slowly falling into place. It was good.
It all shattered as soon as they entered the house.
***
Kurt barely closed the front door behind them when Puck flew out of the living room and almost slammed into him.
“Kurt! Oh, hi Blaine, you’re here too. Good, you’ll both want to know.”
“Know what?”
“Come on, sit down.” Puck was already pushing Kurt impatiently into the living room, Blaine hovering uncertainly behind. The room was empty and they could hear dishes clattering in the kitchen. Carole was probably preparing dinner.
“So, what is this about? You look terrifyingly excited.”
“I raced here right after the training, I even skipped the shower. I had to let you know before the girls learn about it and start to pressure you.”
“Learn about what and pressure me to do what? Also, eww.”
“To go back.”
“Puck, have you been eating your grandma’s special cupcakes again? What are you talking about?”
“Okay, get this. Karofsky transferred out. Nobody knows where. Rumor has it, his old man found him jerking off over - wait for it - gay porn. Apparently he admitted he played for the other team. Karofsky, can you believe it? And then he had a breakdown, screaming he can’t come back to McKinley, that they will torture him to death there if they know, and he’s not you and he can’t stand it. I don’t know how much truth there is in this shit, but the fact is, his father came to get all his things today and coach Beiste confirmed it. He’s out.”
Kurt fought to keep his face impassive. It wasn’t easy. As much as he despised and feared Karofsky, he felt sorry for him now - this way of coming out must be every gay boy’s worst nightmare. Still, he didn’t entirely understand the urgency in Puck’s voice.
“Okay, but so what?”
“Don’t you get it? As soon as everyone knows, they will try to make you come back to McKinley. To Glee. Because we need you and you could go to Nationals with us. And you’d be safe now. I just thought that I’d give you heads up, so that you have time to think if you even want to come back before they force you into anything.”
“Wow. Puck, I’m actually speechless. It’s incredibly thoughtful of you.”
“I have my moments. Okay, I’m gonna run. I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
His phone rang seconds later, before he even had time to process what he heard, and it was just as Puck said. For nearly an hour he talked with Rachel, Tina and Mercedes, telling them that yes, he heard and no, he didn’t think about it yet and yes, he did need to think, it isn’t that easy and give me some time, girls. But just as Puck predicted, they were determined and it took a lot of time and effort - and a solemn promise to call them as soon as he decides - to finally get them to hang up. All this time, engrossed in the chaos of the news and ecstatic girls, he didn’t notice how pale Blaine got, how tight he clutched the handles of his overnight bag, his knuckles white. If he did, he would chuck the phone in a heartbeat and jump to reassure him that he’s not going anywhere.
But it may have been a good thing he didn’t. Because frankly, he wouldn’t be able to say it with utter conviction.
Would he stay at Dalton, in this golden cage, now that he didn’t have to anymore?
***
Blaine felt his insides freeze when he listened to Puck. He understood the implications of Karofsky’s transfer immediately, even if Kurt didn’t get it at first. It meant only one obvious thing: Kurt would leave Dalton. And ultimately, Kurt would leave him, too. He knew it for sure.
Kurt never really felt at home at Dalton, never fit in. He was a free spirit, his individuality too great to suppress. It wasn’t easy for him to conform to the ridiculously strict private school rules. He would never be happy there, always forced to change, always with his wings bound. Besides, he had friends at McKinley, people he liked, loved even, and missed every day - Blaine could see it in his eyes whenever he talked about them. He had his old Glee club there, where he could perform what he wanted to, where he got to shine even if they never actually gave him a solo. And he had a chance to go to New York, to Nationals - and Blaine knew how big of a dream it was for him, how bitter the disappointment was when the Warblers lost at Regionals. If you added the simple financial argument to the mix, there really was no reason for Kurt to stay at Dalton even a day longer.
Or rather, there was one. Just one silly, weak, immaterial reason. Him. Which of course wouldn’t mean much against everything else. There was no way Kurt would stay at school he didn’t feel good at, rejecting the chance to reunite with his friends, to be free to express himself, see New York and ease it financially for his family, just so that he could stay with his boyfriend. Even if this boyfriend needed him like air right now.
Of course, he wouldn’t make it harder for Kurt, pointing out his own needs. He would grin and bear it. He’d pretend to believe that it wouldn’t change anything. He’d pretend not to be brokenhearted when Kurt has less and less time for him, busy with his separate life. He’d finally pretend to accept it when one day Kurt would say it doesn’t make sense anymore, and then he’d go home and pretend to be okay.
He couldn’t listen to Kurt’s conversation with the Glee girls after a while, each word taunting him with false hope, so he stood up silently and left the room. He put his bag by the stairs, to pick it up later, and went to the kitchen where Carole was peeling potatoes for dinner and humming quietly. Without a word, he grabbed the second peeler from a drawer and moved to help. Her eyes brightened in a smile and she hugged him awkwardly, keeping her wet hands away.
“Hi sweetie. I’m so glad you came at last! Talk to me, I want to know everything! How’s school? And your parents? How do you feel?”
“Good. It’s all getting better. My grades are up, although not back to normal yet. Life at home is infinitely better and I can’t thank you enough for this. My mom even wants to meet Kurt soon, you know? She’s actually excited about it. I’m okay, I guess. It’s still a battle, but at least now I’m being trained to fight.”
“And yet something is wrong. You look… defeated. What happened?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, young man. You wouldn’t look like you were about to cry if it was nothing.”
“Okay, so it’s not nothing, but it’s not anything I can help.”
“Tell me.”
“It’s… about Kurt.”
“Kurt? Did he do something?”
“No, no. It’s just… Did you talk with Noah? Did he tell you why he was here?”
“Yes, he wanted to tell Kurt about that bully transferring out.”
“Exactly.”
“And?”
“And now Kurt’s on the phone with half of his old Glee club convincing him to get back to McKinley as fast as he can. And I understand it, just… I’ll miss him, you know? And I’m not sure long distance relationships ever work, especially in high school, and after such a short time, so…”
“And you’re so certain he’ll want to transfer back?”
“Of course he will.”
“I don’t know, I think he may still surprise you. But, of course, it’s his decision to make. I’m just saying, don’t lose sleep over it yet.”
But Blaine just knew. He knew he didn’t stand a chance and tried to prepare to take this blow. Still, it hurt too much to even think about it, so when Kurt touched the subject in the evening, he stopped him.
“Kurt, this is your decision. I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I’ll understand and support you.”
When they were entering the house earlier that afternoon, Blaine was planning the fastest route to the bedroom, to kiss his boyfriend silly after all this time. But now, he just wanted to cuddle. To get so close that he could feel Kurt under his skin, inhale him, remember his warmth and his touch forever.
Puck came again on Saturday, as he promised, bringing Santana with him. Soon, he and Finn were in the middle of a Halo 3 game and Kurt was distracting them, asking about the recent Glee news, no doubt impatient to just be back with them already. Blaine was sitting on the floor a little further away, watching them - okay, mostly him - discreetly. Or at least he thought he was discreet until Santana sat by him with a knowing smirk.
“So, you and Kurt then?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“To me? Always. But I heard from Finn, actually. So why are you moping?”
“I’m not.”
“Oh believe me, you are. So much your aura turned all blue.”
“What?”
“No, okay, I totally made it up. But seriously, what’s wrong? You can tell Auntie Tanny.”
“It’s just that with Kurt moving back to McKinley…”
“Wait, what? Is he transferring back? Did he tell you that?”
“Well, no. He’s still thinking about it. But he will.”
“You’re so sure about that.”
“I am. What would he stay at Dalton for when the only reason he’d transferred is gone?”
“Let me think. You, maybe?”
“Right. Like just a boyfriend is a good enough reason.”
“Just a boyfriend might not be. A boyfriend he’s totally in love with would stand a bigger chance. If the boyfriend actually needed him there, I’d say the chances would be pretty good.”
Blaine startled. It sounded as if she knew something. “What are you…”
“Honey. I may not look like it, but I know things. I notice things. And let me tell you - I may not have always been a fan of Hummel here, but I know he has the biggest freaking heart in that whole school. He may not like to show it, but it’s there. He can’t help it. He cares. And the way he looks at you? He cares more than I’ve ever seen him care. I’d just trust him, if I were you. He won’t hurt you.”
“Thanks, Tanny.”
But deep down, he knew he would end up hurt anyway.
***
Kurt would love to say it was an easy decision, but it would be a lie. He weighted his options, put them on a mental scale: Dalton on one side, McKinley on the other. The school that he didn’t fit in but where Blaine was vs. that with all his friends, his old Glee club, Nationals, the school he’d never really wanted to leave in the first place. It was pretty obvious what the scales would show, but still, his heart ached a little at that choice. He gave himself a deadline: he’d decide by Sunday evening. So he deliberated on it all weekend. It never really left his mind, this nagging thought: would it be the right thing to do? Blaine said he’d understand either way, but would he really? He didn’t seem to know just how important it was for Kurt. Would he withdraw when he told him? Would he be able to accept it? Or would he freak out?
Finally, the decision had to be made. So he made it.
It wouldn’t be easy, but they would survive.
Now he just had to talk to his dad, make sure it was okay with him, before he told Blaine.
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In the next chapter: Aftershocks