Where is Here?
Edited: July 6th, 2012
i : ii : iii : iv
* * *
(v. HERE HE LEAVES)
By midday, Ohno had finally found the strength to tidy himself and wait for Sho. He knew something was going to happen that day, especially when he had woken that morning to find Sho gone. Sho never woke up before him.
And yet, Sho never went out to the forest alone before that snake accident either.
Anyway, today Ohno knew something was different. He could read the atmosphere. He felt tense and uneasy. What they had done the night before said nothing, nothing at all. Their circumstances were still changing and this change today would be the biggest and last. The most dreadful.
So he sat on the rock and waited miserably. He missed Sho.
Soon, by evening, the latter returned from the forest.
As soon as Sho saw the fisherman waiting for him, he stopped in his tracks.
"Satoshi..." he started guiltily, caught in the act. His gaze dropped.
Ohno saw it. He frowned, his heart suddenly jumped and racing. "Sho..." he began, not failing to notice that action or the look on the man's face. The feeling of foreboding streaked the atmosphere, tense and awkward. He shouldn't ask, shouldn't, but he did anyway because he had suspected and dreaded it. "It's a lie isn't it? That you're trying to learn the area." He wanted a denial, for Sho to assure him that it really was what he had been doing.
Silence was his response. Sho stood there opposite him, refusing to meet his eyes.
"It's a lie," Ohno repeated, and slowly his chest constricted. He was right. Had always been. "It's a lie."
Finally, Sho broke in. "I'm leaving, Ohno. My secretary is coming in the jet to get me tomorrow evening."
Ohno felt his chest constrict harder and his breath hitched. Ohno sat there staring speechlessly at Sho and he felt betrayed. But. But, he couldn’t blame Sho. Not when he had been the first one to lie. His voice trembled. "S-so...you knew all along...about the city..."
Laughable, he was. Stupid him.
But Sho shook his head. "No. Not until you said it that night the snake bit you in my place."
Ohno almost laughed out loud at his own idiocy this time. So it was himself who had ended this. Served him right. Served him for keeping the truth away from this Sho who he knew wanted to leave. His own curse.
"Satoshi..." Sho started once silence overcame both of them, strangling. This time he finally looked up and met Ohno's eyes. He stared into those eyes full of hurt and with everything in him, he wanted to take that expression away, to protect the person. He desperately, desperately wanted Ohno to leave with him.
"Go with me," Sho said, his voice high-pitched and straining, hopeful. He couldn't think otherwise.
To leave Ohno was...
Ohno steeled himself and shrugged his shoulders before he jumped off the rock and walked in another direction. However, after a few steps, he stopped and turned around.
“I will stay here and you can leave,” he said. "This is my home and you are returning to yours. I told you in the beginning that I like being alone. What happened last night... What happened, we can forget all about it." He turned away with a finality, hiding his hurt, and headed towards the forest, the place he knew best.
Sho tottered forward at his response and slumped against the rock Ohno had sat on a minute ago. The stone was still warm but not because of the beaming sun. He felt lost, at a loss because he realized once more that he would leave alone. Alone without Ohno. The knowledge was always there, but somehow it just never truly registered. Couldn't even now.
He remembered clearly Ohno’s face back then. How he had wanted to tuck the smaller man within his embrace and not let him go, not to leave him in his solitude anymore.
But, it was impossible and soon Ninomiya would be arriving for him.
*
Ohno didn't return that night, not until Sho began to doze off.
When Ohno did, it was already late; he came and saw Sho's sleeping form against the palm tree where he had first seen the man. Slowly, hesitantly, Ohno made his way towards the other man, trying to not wake him up.
Staring at the tranquil face of the sleeping Sho, Ohno let out a small sigh at hearing the latter's evened breathing. But, instead of moving towards the cabin, Ohno laid down next to the fire. The fire that he had eventually taught Sho how to make because the taller man had stared at him curiously whenever he made one. As he lay there, he could almost remember Sho's expression, when Sho's brows furrowed in concentration every time Ohno bent down to start the fire as if he was trying to figure out how to do it.
He let out a small, sad smile as his tired eyes fluttered and then closed.
They slept, just the rescued and the savior.
It was a long time after when the fire was already dying that Sho's eyes fluttered open and his gaze fell on Ohno across from him. Relief filled him. He had been afraid that Ohno would refuse to see him and that he would have to leave alone without ever having to see that face again.
Sho moved to close that space between them after making sure that the man was really asleep. He crouched down by the sleeping fisherman's side and instantly pulled the small frame into his arms, resting that precious head against his chest.
It was just like that first night Sho held Ohno by the shore. Ohno slept on and he held the man tightly, clutched lovingly in his embrace as he stared up at the moon and said nothing.
*
Midmorning, Sho woke and blinked up at the cabin's ceiling for the last time. How had they gotten here?
"Good morning," Ohno mumbled as cheerfully as could be as he left the open doorway.
Sho abruptly sat up. "Where are you going!?" he asked in alarm.
Outside, Ohno paused and turned back. He smiled and answered, "Fishing. I need to eat even if you leave, Sho." Then he disappeared from view.
Right, Sho thought as his heart pounded. Today was the day he would leave this horrid place. Today was the day he would finally leave this stupid island. No, this place of so many memories.
Sho rose and cleaned himself as best he could, then went to walk around the shore, summoning back memories as he did so.
As he had left it, he found the boat he had arrived in and abandoned once Ohno had taken him in.
Sho smoothed a hand over the wooden structure and the feeling of gratitude overwhelmed him. He sighed and patted the boat lovingly. "Thank you for bringing me here," he whispered. Thank you for letting me meet Satoshi.
As Sho went on, he caught sight of an abnormal sight. His abandoned tie, the one he had thrown away in his frustration, was hanging in a tree as part of a bird's nest. The nest was vacant at the moment, but Sho knew it had become a part of a creature's home. He smiled as he stared up at it. "I see that it became of use to you," he said to no one in particular. "Take good care of my tie." He moved away.
And then Sho sat down on his spot beneath the tree, the shaded area, and wondered where that empty sack had gone. Probably he'd never see it again. Some wild creature must had taken it.
He lay back in the dirt and stared through the palm leaves above him at the sky. A few weeks ago, he had sat at this very spot and gorged on a bunch of bananas he had found. Here, he had starved and whined. Here...
Sho did not realize he had dozed off until someone shook him awake. He opened his eyes to a familiar face. Ninomiya stared straight at him anxiously.
"Director."
Sho leapt up and embraced him. He couldn't believe it. "NINOMIYA!" It was really his secretary in front of him.
"DIRECTOR!" Nino returned the hug. Thank the heavens! His director was truly alive! The Chairman would not skin him!
Sho squeezed his secretary tightly, happy to see him. He would go home! He would return to civilization, go back to directing his department, go back to eating wholesome meals, go back to being waited on hand and foot! Unbelievable. Unbelievably true!
And then he opened his eyes and saw Ohno a few feet away, watching them.
Sho froze. And then here was Ohno.
The fisherman tried to smile, but his lips trembled.
While Sho pulled back silently, he heard Ninomiya say, "Director Sakurai, let's go. We should hurry. I don't want to stay here. It's..." he glanced at the forest, "dangerous at night." The day was already evening and any minute now, the sun would set.
But his director moved away from him. "I'm coming. Go back to the jet, I'll come. Give me some time to talk to Satoshi."
Nino nodded, glancing at Ohno. "The jungle man, right? He's cute. He was helping you?"
Sho pushed Nino towards the jet without answering and turned to Ohno.
Once again, Ohno tried to smile. He tried to be cheerful as he stared at Sho and indicated the jet with shaking hands. "Going home. M-must be happy. Y-you must be ha--"
This time, Sho flung himself at the fisherman and wrapped him so tightly, Ohno couldn't breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm leaving. I'm leaving," Sho repeated to himself, to Ohno. The truth registered, brimming. "I'm really leaving, Satoshi."
"I know, I know," Ohno cried, hating the tears streaming down his face. "You're leaving, Sho." Reality had hit and he would really be without Sho. Utterly alone.
Sho pulled back just an inch, just enough to kiss Ohno hard on the mouth. Ohno kissed him back desperately, never wanting to let go. Their heated tongues found each other, saying nothing and yet conveying so much.
But Sho had to leave. He broke the kiss, watching the other gasp for breath. "I'm going," he repeated, as if he couldn't believe it.
Ohno buried his head in Sho's chest. This time he had to say it. He finally found the words. "Sho, I'm sorry for not telling you! I'm sorry for lying! I'm--"
Sho just gripped him tighter so the other man stopped apologizing.
Instead, Ohno sobbed, "I fell in love with you at first sight."
Sho watched the horizon, the glossy waters he had stared at so often here, as he held on. His chest constricted.
Ohno continued. "I watched you struggling. I gave you the bananas because you were hungry. I didn't think I should approach you, but I did and in the end, I couldn't let you slip away from me. I couldn't let you go."
But here I am, leaving you, Sho thought. He leaned down to kiss Ohno on the forehead. And then he broke their embrace. Sho bowed low at the waist, showing his deepest respect to this man who had taken him in. "Ohno Satoshi, thank you. For everything."
And then because he knew he would never be able to leave if he took one last look, Sho immediately turned away when he straightened. He walked towards the jet where Nino and the pilots were waiting. Behind him, he heard a strangled cry. He couldn't look.
Sho climbed the stairs and was suddenly bombarded by cold air; the air conditioner. Nino stared at him from his seat, already strapped in. He had seen the scene from the window and now he only observed his director silently, for the first time noticing the change in his boss.
Sho walked full of dignity to his seat and strapped himself in as the stairs ascended and the door closed behind him.
The engine started.
He waited and waited patiently, no thoughts willing to form in his head. Sho felt utterly empty.
And then the aircraft began to move forth in the sand.
"Director," Nino said. "Look. You should look one last time. Say goodbye."
Sho stared straight ahead and clutched the armrest of his seat painfully.
Anytime now, the jet would pick up pace and Ohno would be gone.
"Look," Nino repeated.
Anytime now.
"Direct--"
Sho turned in his seat and stared out the window. Ohno was on his knees in the sand, curled up with his arms wrapped around himself. Sho could not see his face, but he knew that precious man, the man he cared so much for, was crying.
He clenched his hands against the window, wanting to reach out, his name silently being mouthed as if he could hear him. How could he leave Ohno behind? He unbuckled himself in panic.
The jet picked up pace and now Ohno was only a speck in the distance. Now he was gone.
"Satoshi!" Sho made as if to stand, but at that moment, the aircraft lifted off.
Nino said nothing and only turned away as Sho fell forward in his chair and bitterly murmured into his hands.
The stupidity he felt as he came to terms with his feelings.
Emptiness. That feeling clung to his heart, painfully restraining.
(vi. HERE HIS MEMORY STAYS) : vii/end
* * *