I Can't [oneshot]
Title: I Can't
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: AoixUruha, ???xUruha
Genre: Angst, Tragedy
Warnings: Character death, language, mentioned adult situations, flashbacks (represented by italics!)
Summary: When Aoi is gone, Uruha tries to move on.
Uruha rolled over in the sheets and turned away. He couldn't look at him, no, not without thinking of Aoi. Uruha gripped his sheets tightly as the memories of him kept flooding back. He felt like he was betraying Aoi for wanting to forget and move on. But at the same time, Uruha didn't want to.
He remembered the way Aoi always made him laugh.
Uruha fumbled with the keys at the door to their tiny flat.
"Jesus Christ, don't tell me I left them at the office again!!"
Uruha frowned and swore under his breath. He worked as one of the receptionists for a large banking company. One of the worst parts of his job was getting hit on all the time by most of his bosses, due to his appearance. Today proved to be a bad day; losing his keys made things worse.
"Fuck..." Uruha swore again.
Suddenly, the door swung open. A huge cloud of smoke floated through the open door. Uruha coughed and waved his arms around, trying to clear the air. When the smoke disappeared, a blackened and burnt Aoi stood at the door, wearing oven mitts and Uruha's frilly, floral apron. Uruha gaped at him, too shocked to respond. But then Aoi gestured to their kitchen table, where (very messily!) dinner was set, with burnt steak, spaghetti that looked undercooked and potatoes too charred to be recognizable.
"I had the day off, you see. So I tried making dinner."
Uruha noticed the burning candles placed in the middle of the table. Lighting the candles with his lighter was the only thing Aoi did correctly.
A smile tugged at the corners of Uruha's mouth.
"I know I can't cook, but I know you hate Wednesdays, so I decided to cook tonight."
Uruha started to laugh.
"What? What's wrong with it? Don't you like it?"
Uruha looked at Aoi, whose face was covered in soot and sweat. His frilly apron was destroyed, having caught on fire earlier. Uruha laughed even harder and hugged Aoi tightly before kissing him on the lips.
"I love it."
Uruha smiled slightly at the memory as tears streamed down his face and onto the pillows. Aoi wasn't here anymore. And he will never be here to make him laugh again.
Aoi coughed some more. Uruha looked up from his book in concern.
"Hey, don't mind me. I'm okay."
"Be quiet. You're sick. You're not going to be okay. You have lung cancer and you are not going to be okay. Please explain to me how you are going to be okay, Aoi. You can't. Because you are not going to be okay." Uruha choked.
The hospital room was silent except for Uruha's sobs.
"Uruha, come here."
Uruha looked at Aoi, his beloved Aoi, confined to a hospital bed. He looked at his pale face and his once glittering eyes, sparkling with mischief. He looked at his dull hair, the hair he used to run his hands through all the time. He got up from his chair and climbed onto the bed to join Aoi.
Uruha rested his head onto Aoi's shoulder. He felt Aoi's hands, now so weak, gently tuck some of his honey blond hair behind his ear.
"Hey Uru?"
"Mmhmm?"
"When I'm gone,"
"Don't say that."
"When I'm gone," Aoi continued steadily. "I don't want you mourning me, okay? I want you to be happy. Be happy I'm no longer in pain. And move on."
"I told you not to say that!" Uruha hissed, eyes slanting in fury. He balled up his fists in anger and sat up to glare at Aoi. But Aoi just hugged Uruha close to him. He knew Uruha would react like this. He stroked Uruha's shoulder softly as he felt Uruha's heavy, ragged breathing from trying to control the tears.
"There's plenty of fish in the sea," Aoi murmured softly into Uruha's ear before dozing off.
Uruha bit his lip to keep from waking him up. But he felt like he was going to burst. He never got over Aoi. The man sleeping next to him knew that, but wanted Uruha anyway. Uruha felt guilty and ashamed. Uruha knew he could never love him as much as he loved Aoi. And he felt even more ashamed as he kept giving him false hope that one day he may.
Half a year after Aoi's death, Uruha started to care about himself again. He started to take care of his appearance once more, and no longer dressed in sweatpants and hoodies. He also started to go to work again. It was there that he met him.
He was tall, dark and handsome, like Aoi was. He also had a charm about him that intrigued Uruha. They started dating.
Two months later, Uruha spent the night at his place.
"I wanna hear you cum for me, Uruha. Can you do that for me?" He asked, licking and sucking on Uruha's neck as he kept thrusting into him. Uruha moaned, eyes closed, as he felt his approaching peak. He nodded. He suddenly screamed as he felt him thrust onto his sweet spot.
"AHH! Ahhhh! Ohhh, Aoi..." Uruha 's fingernails dug into the man's shoulders.
He stopped his thrusting.
"What did you say?"
Uruha opened his eyes in horror as he realized what he just did.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just thought, I just--I don't know, I--"
Uruha looked into his eyes. They were filled with hurt, disappointment and pain.
"It's okay," he pulled out and lay down next to Uruha.
"I'm sorry," Uruha whispered.
"It's okay," he said again. "I knew what I was getting myself into."
He then turned over.
Uruha stole a glance at the sleeping figure next to him. Despite Aoi's wishes, Uruha felt himself longing for him, and wishing he were still here. He wanted this hurt to stop and he wanted to stop hurting others. Uruha hated himself. He was a selfish bastard who didn't deserve the love he kept receiving. He hated how whenever he kissed him, he could only taste Aoi. He hated how whenever he looked at him, he would long with all his heart to be staring into Aoi's twinkling eyes. He wanted so much to look into those eyes again. He felt the tears again and couldn't hold them back this time.
"I'm sorry, Aoi... I can't. I can't move on." Uruha whispered.
They rolled down his cheeks and he started to sob. But these sobs weren't the soft, self-pitying sobs they had once been. These cries were unrestrained, deep and full of pain. They wrenched at Uruha's heart and he turned towards his surrogate lover for comfort. He awoke in surprise, hope filling him like water gushing out of a broken dam as he thought Uruha was opening up to him at last. Once he felt the tears on his neck however, his heart sank. He tried to calm Uruha down, but all Uruha could do was cry hysterically.
"I can't... I can't...."
A/N: this little oneshot was inspired by the song "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry.
it immediately came to me when I first heard this song and I knew I had to write it down!!
In fact, this only took me an hour and a half to write! I hope you guys like this (=
as usual, comments are love!
MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: AoixUruha, ???xUruha
Genre: Angst, Tragedy
Warnings: Character death, language, mentioned adult situations, flashbacks (represented by italics!)
Summary: When Aoi is gone, Uruha tries to move on.
Uruha rolled over in the sheets and turned away. He couldn't look at him, no, not without thinking of Aoi. Uruha gripped his sheets tightly as the memories of him kept flooding back. He felt like he was betraying Aoi for wanting to forget and move on. But at the same time, Uruha didn't want to.
He remembered the way Aoi always made him laugh.
Uruha fumbled with the keys at the door to their tiny flat.
"Jesus Christ, don't tell me I left them at the office again!!"
Uruha frowned and swore under his breath. He worked as one of the receptionists for a large banking company. One of the worst parts of his job was getting hit on all the time by most of his bosses, due to his appearance. Today proved to be a bad day; losing his keys made things worse.
"Fuck..." Uruha swore again.
Suddenly, the door swung open. A huge cloud of smoke floated through the open door. Uruha coughed and waved his arms around, trying to clear the air. When the smoke disappeared, a blackened and burnt Aoi stood at the door, wearing oven mitts and Uruha's frilly, floral apron. Uruha gaped at him, too shocked to respond. But then Aoi gestured to their kitchen table, where (very messily!) dinner was set, with burnt steak, spaghetti that looked undercooked and potatoes too charred to be recognizable.
"I had the day off, you see. So I tried making dinner."
Uruha noticed the burning candles placed in the middle of the table. Lighting the candles with his lighter was the only thing Aoi did correctly.
A smile tugged at the corners of Uruha's mouth.
"I know I can't cook, but I know you hate Wednesdays, so I decided to cook tonight."
Uruha started to laugh.
"What? What's wrong with it? Don't you like it?"
Uruha looked at Aoi, whose face was covered in soot and sweat. His frilly apron was destroyed, having caught on fire earlier. Uruha laughed even harder and hugged Aoi tightly before kissing him on the lips.
"I love it."
Uruha smiled slightly at the memory as tears streamed down his face and onto the pillows. Aoi wasn't here anymore. And he will never be here to make him laugh again.
Aoi coughed some more. Uruha looked up from his book in concern.
"Hey, don't mind me. I'm okay."
"Be quiet. You're sick. You're not going to be okay. You have lung cancer and you are not going to be okay. Please explain to me how you are going to be okay, Aoi. You can't. Because you are not going to be okay." Uruha choked.
The hospital room was silent except for Uruha's sobs.
"Uruha, come here."
Uruha looked at Aoi, his beloved Aoi, confined to a hospital bed. He looked at his pale face and his once glittering eyes, sparkling with mischief. He looked at his dull hair, the hair he used to run his hands through all the time. He got up from his chair and climbed onto the bed to join Aoi.
Uruha rested his head onto Aoi's shoulder. He felt Aoi's hands, now so weak, gently tuck some of his honey blond hair behind his ear.
"Hey Uru?"
"Mmhmm?"
"When I'm gone,"
"Don't say that."
"When I'm gone," Aoi continued steadily. "I don't want you mourning me, okay? I want you to be happy. Be happy I'm no longer in pain. And move on."
"I told you not to say that!" Uruha hissed, eyes slanting in fury. He balled up his fists in anger and sat up to glare at Aoi. But Aoi just hugged Uruha close to him. He knew Uruha would react like this. He stroked Uruha's shoulder softly as he felt Uruha's heavy, ragged breathing from trying to control the tears.
"There's plenty of fish in the sea," Aoi murmured softly into Uruha's ear before dozing off.
Uruha bit his lip to keep from waking him up. But he felt like he was going to burst. He never got over Aoi. The man sleeping next to him knew that, but wanted Uruha anyway. Uruha felt guilty and ashamed. Uruha knew he could never love him as much as he loved Aoi. And he felt even more ashamed as he kept giving him false hope that one day he may.
Half a year after Aoi's death, Uruha started to care about himself again. He started to take care of his appearance once more, and no longer dressed in sweatpants and hoodies. He also started to go to work again. It was there that he met him.
He was tall, dark and handsome, like Aoi was. He also had a charm about him that intrigued Uruha. They started dating.
Two months later, Uruha spent the night at his place.
"I wanna hear you cum for me, Uruha. Can you do that for me?" He asked, licking and sucking on Uruha's neck as he kept thrusting into him. Uruha moaned, eyes closed, as he felt his approaching peak. He nodded. He suddenly screamed as he felt him thrust onto his sweet spot.
"AHH! Ahhhh! Ohhh, Aoi..." Uruha 's fingernails dug into the man's shoulders.
He stopped his thrusting.
"What did you say?"
Uruha opened his eyes in horror as he realized what he just did.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just thought, I just--I don't know, I--"
Uruha looked into his eyes. They were filled with hurt, disappointment and pain.
"It's okay," he pulled out and lay down next to Uruha.
"I'm sorry," Uruha whispered.
"It's okay," he said again. "I knew what I was getting myself into."
He then turned over.
Uruha stole a glance at the sleeping figure next to him. Despite Aoi's wishes, Uruha felt himself longing for him, and wishing he were still here. He wanted this hurt to stop and he wanted to stop hurting others. Uruha hated himself. He was a selfish bastard who didn't deserve the love he kept receiving. He hated how whenever he kissed him, he could only taste Aoi. He hated how whenever he looked at him, he would long with all his heart to be staring into Aoi's twinkling eyes. He wanted so much to look into those eyes again. He felt the tears again and couldn't hold them back this time.
"I'm sorry, Aoi... I can't. I can't move on." Uruha whispered.
They rolled down his cheeks and he started to sob. But these sobs weren't the soft, self-pitying sobs they had once been. These cries were unrestrained, deep and full of pain. They wrenched at Uruha's heart and he turned towards his surrogate lover for comfort. He awoke in surprise, hope filling him like water gushing out of a broken dam as he thought Uruha was opening up to him at last. Once he felt the tears on his neck however, his heart sank. He tried to calm Uruha down, but all Uruha could do was cry hysterically.
"I can't... I can't...."
A/N: this little oneshot was inspired by the song "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry.
it immediately came to me when I first heard this song and I knew I had to write it down!!
In fact, this only took me an hour and a half to write! I hope you guys like this (=
as usual, comments are love!
MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com