The molonogue
Title: The monologue
Author: aoikonoe
Genre: angst
Chapter: oneshot
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Pairing: Zero x Tsukasa
Synopsis: Zero doesn't know if he still wants to be with Tsukasa.
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: yeah, I wish..
Comments: I know that there are mistakes. I don't have a beta, so I'm sorry! Let me know if I should translate more of my fics.
You’re sleeping… I can hear your peaceful breath and see floating chest. I’ve been sitting like this a long hour watching your face turned toward me. You’re so calm… A complete difference from the impetuous temperament, which is usually presented. Even I’m his victim. Do you love me a little? Because your actions don’t show it and give distinct impression. Constant screams, arguments, abuse… These are the only things I know being with you, Kenji. Why did I become emotionally involved with you? Oh yes, you used to be someone else. Your words, the way you looked at me… Everything was different, full of happiness. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, what I did to deserve such a behavior. Nonetheless, I’m still with you as your lover and support. Being learnt how to hide my true feelings behind the mask of indifference, I dispose of every outburst of aggression by silence. If I said something, it would just intensify the anger. So what has been left for me?
Ideal… You were like that. And I don’t mean just your body but also the soul, all this things that were represented by you. Now, there is only just a shell which hurts everybody, rotten from inside. Why didn’t I see it earlier? I don’t believe that you became such a bastard from day-to-day! Maybe I would prevent it, help you somehow… But no, I was blinded by the happiness you gave me and every moment spent with you was like that, either good or bad one. And I don’t think you still care about me, but I’m grateful that you last by me side. Surely, it’s easier to you or it’s just a matter of a habit. I know that you won’t tell me unless I ask you but let’s face the fact - will you give me an answer?
Questions… A few people asked me why I’m with you. You’re hurting me, treating like a random punching bag without any feelings… But even - as trivially as it sounds - I love you. You’re the part of me as I’m the part of you, just like the pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle. Maybe I’m stupid, because I’m waiting for something. Who knows?
I put my hand on your chest and let it guide lower and lower to the limit set by the quilt on your abdomen. You’re murmuring drowsily and your eyes are slowly opening, looking startled at my hand and then at me. What’s wrong? Didn’t expect that I’ll touch you? I grimace in an anger and you’re blinking surprised but then you sit up to be closer to me. Who am I to you? What do you want from me? I bet you’re not aware of my dilemmas, for you everything is black and white - there are no shades of gray. It’s my own inner conflict and thanks to it I want to consider for and against ending this relationship without the future…without the hope. It’s how I see it.
You come closer to me and lean the forehead on mine in an affectionate gesture. There is a silence between us, why? You won’t bribe me, you know it. But your lips find mine and I start to think what happen. Silently whispered “I’m sorry” surprises me… So you’ve seen that something was wrong. And now I know that I couldn’t leave you, no matter how hard I would try. The raindrops start tapping at the window but the sentence that you silently repeat as a mantra still can be heard.
“Forgive me, Zero.”