Fic - Sleeping Beauty Unit

[canspy]

Title: Law and Order: SBU - Sleeping Beauty Unit
Author: CanSpy
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex and Olivia
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: If I owned them, they’d be gay married by now.

Summary: Princess Alex is beloved by all who know her, until the evil Zapata curses her. Prince Elliot is useless but Prince Olivia saves the day!

Notes: I couldn’t resist the fairytale challenge. Despite its eyeroll-inducing gender roles, Sleeping Beauty is my favourite Disney movie.


Once upon a time, there lived a gruff but affable District Attorney Branch and his underling, an equally gruff but infinitely more awesome ADA named Jack McCoy. Together, the spent many long years fighting criminals in the far off kingdom of New Yorkdonia. Although they were happy, they longed for a woman to join their kingdom, a hottie who would help them right wrongs and win victories while totally rocking a pantsuit.

One day, their prayers were answered. Alex Cabot was called to the bar, and the Attorneys hired her to be Princess Alex, heir to the just kingdom of New Yorkdonia. Beloved by all who met her, she was an instant success.

Upon her arrival in the kingdom, the Attorneys decided to declare a day of celebration throughout the legal world. All were invited to pay homage to their new princess. Also on this august day, it was hoped that the arrival of Princess Alex would signal a new era of peace and cooperation between the Attorneys and their friend, King Cragen. Branch and Cragen wished desperately to unite their kingdoms with the marriage of Princess Alex to Prince Elliott. Unfortunately for their bosses, the two took one look at each other and decided to remain the best of friends (which worked out, because Prince Elliott had secretly married a peasant woman named Kathy and had to send his princely sums to support their ever growing brood)

Anyway, the party was in full swing when the guests of honour arrived. The three Fairy Buttkicking and Investigating agents had come to bless Princess Alex with three gifts which she would need to rule the kingdom wisely. The first fairy approached the princess and gave her a magic set of glasses. “The powerful and just-looking glasses will give you, oh princess, the ability to see through bullshit.” he pronounced, the glint of the magic glasses reflecting off his bald spot. The next fairy blessed the princess with a double-edged tongue, “to smite your enemies with ego-piercing snark and to charm a jury with your intelligent and persuasive arguments.” he said, quickly wiping a bit of soot from his shoulder.

The third fairy was set to approach the princess when suddenly, a great wind blew through the magnificent office. While clerks scurried to shut the windows, the evil drug fairy, Zapata, appeared, stroking his beard. “Well, isn’t this a surprise!” he drawled, “And here I’d hoped my invitation simply got lost in Sing Sing’s mail.”

“You weren’t wanted.” snapped King Cragen.

“Not wanted!” the evil Zapata repeated, pretending to be surprised. “But I, too, have a gift for the princess.” He stepped forward menacingly, but the princess simply smirked, eyes rolling from behind the safety of her new magic glasses. “Oh yes, you will indeed grow to be quite a good-looking smartass,” he intoned, “But, before night falls on your fourth year in the kingdom, you shall prick your shoulder on the business end of a bullet....AND DIE!!!” Chaos erupted as King Cragen tried to have his men arrest Zapata, but he cast a spell of legal loopholes around himself and vanished.

Branch and McCoy were devastated and bemoaned the princess’s fate.

“Before you two get too soppy,” Princess Alex smartly interjected. “I believe the last fairy still has to come forward.”

His two colleagues shoved the anxious fairy forward to finish the curse. “Ah, well, the thing is, bing bang, bong...” he babbled. “I’m pretty new here, and I, actually think I’m supposed to be in the crime lab, calling the media and - “

“FOCUS, NEWBIE!” roared Prince Elliott, tucking his tie menacingly.

“Hokay, there, ‘roid rage,” the newbie muttered. “I can’t exactly nullify Zapata’s death curse, dear, sweet princess but I can do something else. You shall indeed be pricked by the business end of a bullet but not dead, but into Witness Protection shall you go. There you shall remain until true love’s kiss shall set you free.”

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, go on.” urged McCoy, gesturing between the prince and princess.

Alex and Elliott shared a nervous look before an idea came to her. “No, I won’t be bullied into kissing Prince Elliott,” she said calmly. “Zapata is famous for issuing empty curses to women who threaten his tiny manhood. He has no power and we won’t give him any by bowing to his bluster.” Impressed by her moxy, and ability to rock a pantsuit, everyone agreed that the Princess was right.

Well, almost everyone. Not willing to take any chances, Branch and Cragen hatched a plan with the FBI. Before she could leave the building, the three fairies whisked her away to a cottage deep within the New York forests. (Their trial on charges the counts of kidnapping (x3), forcible confinement (x1), endangering the welfare of a Princess (x3), and impersonating a peasant (x3) is set for this November.)

So, for the next sixteen months, the Princess grew in grace and beauty, even though the fairies confiscated her suits and made her wear the odd, tie-dyed clothing of a peasant woman. To gain their trust and allowed them to let their guards down, the princess reluctantly assumed the name Emily and appeared to live happily with her three gay uncles. Eventually, the fairies began to let her out to run small errands on her own, giving the princess ample time to establish connections with local peasants who would provide food, shelter, and transportation on the way back to New Yorkdonia City.

Finally, the princess’s plan was complete. It was her birthday, and the fairies shooed her out of their cottage to get some wine. “And don’t be afraid to splurge on the good stuff, sweetie!” the third fairy called after her as she departed. Princess Alex smirked as she left and waved them away.

All throughout the forest she wandered, checking in with her contacts and making sure her getaway was in place. “You know,” she said conspiratorially with her cab driver. “They never want me to meet anyone, but I’ll tell you a secret: I have met someone!”

“That’ll be thirty bucks, lady.” he gruffed.

“A tall, dark, and beautiful Prince,” she sighed, after checking in with the Chinese restaurant owner who would give her food for the road. “We walk together, and talk together, and have no concept of personal space!”

“Does she have concept of who pay for food?” he demanded. “$34.50!”

Happily lost in thought, the princess began humming to herself.

Nearby, Prince Olivia, Prince Elliott’s butch twin sister, was investigating a case of child abuse. “If you need my help, sweetie, you just call me at this number on my card, okay?” she instructed the child, her most comforting smile firmly in place. However, as she walked away and mounted her trusty steed, her smile faltered. “Sometimes I wish I had a smart, sassy partner who would help me put these creeps in jail.” she murmured, stroking the horse’s white mane.

Suddenly, a song came floating through the air, the most beautiful song Prince Olivia had ever heard.

“I fought the law and the law won...I fought the law and the law won...”

Craning her shapely neck, the Prince immediately identified the source of the song: a beautiful blonde woman walking down the forest path. “Now there’s a woman I could get close to!” Olivia thought and immediately dismounted to catch up with the stunning beauty.

“Did you know it’s illegal to steal the Crown Prince’s heart?” she asked, catching the blonde woman by the arm and spinning her around.

“What kind of pick - oh!” Princess Alex started, mesmerized by the handsome butch before her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see who you were.”

“Prince Olivia, at your service.” Olivia bowed deeply. “And, if I may say so, what just and powerful looking glasses you’re wearing. They frame your piercing blue eyes so perfectly.”

Alex smiled, but her mind had yet to be won over. “Thank you, your highness. But they also hide a keen legal mind. Pray tell, what do you know about getting a search warrant at two in the morning?”

Olivia smiled. “Just as much as I need to execute it at 2:05.”

And thus, Princess Alex fell in love.