Weekend at Vasey's, Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Damn it. Robin Hood had stolen the book that contained the seal that could save them all from death. What’s more, he had done it thinking it was Marian’s diary. That lady was quite outraged, and for once she wasn’t obliged to hide her feelings from Guy.
“Damn! Damn, damn, damn!” she cursed, and it was loud and satisfying.
Guy was shocked to hear this unseemly language coming from her charming mouth for a second time in one day. “Marian, I had not thought you so familiar with such expressions.”
Marian attempted to blush, but under all her white slap, it was a dismal failure. Whatever. “Do you really think I’m such a fine lady as all that? It’s not as though I spend my time in high society, polishing my manners.”
“Very true. But I did not say I didn’t like it. In fact, I should like to hear more of it, perhaps under different circumstances. How do you feel about taking the Lord’s name in vain?” Guy asked, thinking about how a certain fantasy of his might play out.
“Christ’s balls, Guy, we don’t have time for this!” She grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the door, then stopped. She could hardly bring him along to chase Robin. They’d kill each other, and they wouldn’t even be fighting over her this time.
Guy tried to focus on the situation at hand and not on her privy-mouth, which was having an effect on his physical body as well as his thoughts. “What do you think Hood is planning to do with the seal? How did he find out what it was, or where?” A speck of suspicion began to darken his eyes.
“I don’t know, Guy. I doubt he knows anything. He probably just liked the drawings on the front. He’ll likely toss it aside when he sees it’s not worth anything.” She bit her lip, trying to think how she could keep Guy in the castle while she went after Robin. “I might be able to find something out if you were to stay behind. The people still trust me, but they’ll never talk if you’re with me.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean? They fear you.”
“Then they will speak to me. They will be too afraid not to.”
Marian sighed. Guy could be so clueless. And cute. In fact, his cluelessness only made him cuter. Robinrobinrobin. “Guy, trust me. I have . . . connections among the people. I think I can get the seal back if you’ll only stay behind.” She reached out her arm and placed a hand awkwardly on his shoulder, thinking of their earlier tick-finding session and wondering how he was able to put his hands all over her as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “Someone needs to stay behind with Sir Phillip. You don’t want me to be left alone with him, do you?”
Guy, who was not so clueless as she imagined him, flatly answered, “No, of course not. You’re right. I shall wait here for you. Take Allan along for protection.”
She almost protested, but then realized that Allan was the perfect person to take along. He knew the outlaw’s hideout even better than she did. Plus, he was quite good at ventriloquism, and you never knew when that might come in handy.
There was only one thing left to do. “Guy, leave me. I must prepare myself.”
Guy, who had been forming plans of his own, silently took his leave of her.
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Allan had just finished hauling the Sheriff’s putrid corpse up to his bedroom and put a guard in front of it. He had worked up quite a sweat, so he ducked into his own room, careful to avoid Guy or Marian, for fear that they would ask him to do something else, like perhaps urinate on a crucifix or tumble a nun. Although the second one he wouldn’t mind so much, and after all this, he could hardly expect to get into heaven, anyhow.
He splashed his face with some very cold water from his basin and unbuckled his heavy leather jacket. He was just pulling off the sweat-drenched tunic underneath when Guy barged in without knocking. Typical.
“Allan!” Guy barked, then stared at his underling, noticing that he was half-naked. “What are you doing? Get dressed. I’ve got a job for you.”
“What’s it look like? I’m soaked to the bone with sweat after runnin’ all over bloomin’ Nottingham with the dead Sheriff, so I thought I’d change! I can’t do this, Giz. Not without some greater incentive. I mean, I’m riskin’ me neck for you, and all you can do is snarl at me. I’m thinkin’ about startin’ up a guild.”
“I do not snarl!” growled Guy, placing his tight grip around Allan’s wrist. “And don’t even think about starting a guild. I’ll just bring in an Irishman to replace you, and he’ll work twice as hard for half the pay! It’s a wonder I haven’t done it already!”
“You wouldn’t!” Allan yelped.
“Wouldn’t I?” Guy intoned in that guttural way of his that bespoke danger - oh, so much danger. And maybe other things. Sexier things. If he were a girl, anyway. Surely Guy didn’t go for that kind of thing; not when there was Marian. Right?
“Well . . . you’d never find someone to replace me, not with all I do for you! I bend over backward just to please you. Literally.” Allan sighed, knowing that he was never going to win this argument. Guy was giving him a look that would have burned holes through the stone walls. “All right, just gimme a minute, will ya? I’ve got to find a clean shirt.”
Guy did not bother to turn his back while Allan changed. Instead, he fixed his eyes on his manservant’s backside and continued shouting his orders. “You are to accompany Lady Marian out of the castle. She is going to try to find information about the Sheriff’s seal, which was stolen by Robin Hood.”
At this, Allan turned around and stared at Guy with his head partially poking out of the one clean tunic that he could find. His room was really quite a sty. He would clean it up just as soon as this mess with the Sheriff was over - if he wasn’t hanged. He really wouldn’t like to be hanged. “Wot? Go with Maz to find the what with the who now?”
“Maz?” Guy snapped.
“Yeah, you know, ‘Lady’ Marian,” joked Allan, holding up air quotes. He looked rather silly doing it with only his fingers poking out of his tunic.
Guy angrily kicked over a nearby footstool and took a step closer to Allan, who quickly tugged his tunic on the rest of the way. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Guy growled.
“Well, you know, Maz- Marian- Lady Marian can be a little bit . . . you know.” Allan rolled his eyes in a manner that conveyed absolutely no meaning whatsoever.
“No, I don’t know.”
“It’s just that she’s - well, did you see what she was wearin’ earlier? Not that I’m complainin’!” Allan, feeling that he might be lucky if it was Prince John’s army that killed him, slapped Guy on the shoulder jovially. “Uh, no offense, mate. I mean, Giz. I mean, Sir Guy.”
Guy grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and practically threw Allan out of the room, then tossed his leather jacket after him. “You’re going. End of discussion.”
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Marian and Allan were ready to go out for the second time that day. Marian had chosen something more appropriate for the freezing weather this time. It would be perfect for confronting Robin, as well. Allan gaped at her as she tucked a dagger into her knee-high boots and gave him an eyeful of bust line that was enhanced by her leather lace-up corset. The billowing sleeves of a white blouse underneath it fluttered in the cool air. She adjusted her eye patch and clasped her fake hook hand, and they set off.
“Avast, Allan! Let’s go before that scurvy outlaw makes off with my treasure! I mean . . . the Sheriff’s seal!” Marian hollered, spurring her horse to jolt out through the portcullis. Allan simply shook his head and followed her. It’s not as if things could get worse, he thought.
They reached Hood’s camp in less than half an hour. They dismounted their horses, and a moment later they were both suspended in midair, held up by the rope traps that the outlaws had rigged up. Really, this is so juvenile, though Marian. And I’ve lost my parrot.
“Well, well! I didn’t expect to see you hanging around here so soon after I left you in Gisborne’s company!” yelled Robin arrogantly.
“Very funny,” Marian muttered.
“I didn’t realized you swing that way, Marian!” Robin continued.
“Shut up and get me down.”
“I really had to suspend disbelief on that one, didn’t I?” Robin went on, chuckling.
“Please tell me you just made that up, and that you haven’t actually been practicing these,” Marian yelled.
“You’re clearly trying to rope Gisborne in, but perhaps he was tied up with other business?”
“Oh, come on!” Allan shouted.
“I mean, I knew you liked to keep Gisborne dangling on a string, but this is ridiculous!” cried the outlaw, choking on the last word. He started to cry like a little boy.
Marian shrieked, writhing in the ropes that were digging into her abdomen. “Does the name Abelard mean anything to you, Robin?” she gasped, not caring if she passed out from lack of breath.
Robin sat down on a stump and rubbed his fists over his eyes, unable to impede the flow of tears from them. “Why can’t you just be how I want you to be, Marian?”
“Master!” cried Much, storming through the trees toward Robin. “What is it? Do you need me? Do you want me to pour you a hot bath?”
“No!” Robin exclaimed sulkily.
“Much!” Marian screamed. “Get me down!”
“Get US down, she means!” Allan called out.
Much was distracted by a pile of bright green feathers that were lying on the ground underneath them. He walked over to it, then nudged it with his toe. “What’s this?”
“That is Polly, and I’ll thank you to leave him alone!” Marian shouted. “Now lower the ropes! This is a matter of grave importance.”
Much continued to stare suspiciously at Polly. Luckily for Allan and Marian, Little John, Will and Djaq arrived just then, alerted by the noise. They were kind enough to help the two swingers down. Marian twisted her ankle when she hit the ground and gained a genuine hobble to go with her fake peg leg.
“Arrrrrrggg! RRRROBIN! Where is the book?”
“What? What book?” sniffled Robin.
“The one you stole from my room, of course!”
“You mean your diary?”
“No, it’s not my diary, it’s a very important book and I need it back and give it to me right now or I will brain you I swear it.” The words came out in a rush as she began smacking Robin on the back of the head.
“My lady, please stop!” Much cried.
“What book?” asked Djaq, her interest piqued.
“Ow, what’s all this? I just took your stupid book! I didn’t even get a chance to look in it yet.” Robin gaped at her, confused by her outrage.
“Give it to me now. You have broken my trust, and I will never forgive you,” Marian said stonily.
“But I’m very charming! All the teenage girls in the village think so,” said Robin.
“I am not a teenage girl anymore. And I think the ring you gave me is ugly,” Marian said, re-adjusting her eye patch, and then picking up her sailor hat and brushing it off.
“Ugly! I stole that ring from a duchess, I’ll have you know!”
“Then you did her a favor.”
“Marian, please. Be sensible. You know you and I are meant to end up together.”
“End up together? You mean by chance? Robin, I . . . I’m very tired, and I just want my book back. Where is it?”
“I forget.”
“You forget?”
“Robin, come on. This is serious stuff,” spoke Allan.
“I’m not giving it back until I know what it is.”
“It’s a book. There aren’t any pictures, so it’ll be no use to you.”
“I mean, what’s so special about it? Why do you need it so badly?” asked Robin.
“Give it to me, and I’ll tell you,” Marian promised, holding her fingers crossed behind her back and shifting her weight to her good leg.
“I don’t believe you.”
Marian hobbled over to Robin, trying her best to look alluring in her buccaneer costume. She placed her hook hand on his shoulder and tried to play with the curls on the back of his neck.
“Owwww!” Robin cried, clasping a hand to his neck where Marian had scraped it.
“Sorry.”
“Why are you dressed like that, anyway?”
“That outfit I do not like,” chimed in Little John.
“It is very . . . interesting,” added Djaq, trying to be supportive.
“ . . .” said Will. “. . .” Well, his eyes said so much. You don’t even know.
“You don’t like it?” Marian asked, hurt. “Well, I’m sure Sir Phillip will appreciate it,” she said saucily.
“Who’s Sir Phillip?” Robin asked.
“. . .?” inquired Will. With his eyes.
“He’s Prince John’s representative, and he wants to marry me.”
“What? He can’t marry you, you’re supposed to marry me after I save England and King Richard!” shouted Robin.
“You’re going to marry someone else?” asked Much, holding his breath.
“No, I’m not getting married. To him. I mean . . . The point is, we have to keep him from finding out about the Sheriff’s death, and the seal is the only thing that can save us! Well, that and the Nightwatchman.”
“The Sheriff is dead?” asked Djaq. “Robin, why didn’t you tell us?”
“Um, because I have a plan, and I was just waiting . . . for the right moment to tell you all about it!” said Robin.
“What is this plan?” asked Marian skeptically.
“Well, we break into the castle -”
“But we just did that!” Much exclaimed.
“No, no. This time, we break into the Sheriff’s treasure room. Will and Djaq can distract the guards, and we’ll steal the Sheriff’s treasure. Then Sir Phillip will be humiliated, and he’ll leave, and Nottingham will be saved. Great plan, right?”
Somewhere in the forest, a cricket chirped. Probably not the same one from before.
Finally, Marian spoke. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . . Robin, I think you should let me do this. Let me take care of it as the Nightwatchman.”
“Nightwatchman?” he scoffed. “What can you do that I can’t? I’m Robin Hood! The people love me!”
Marian let loose a feral scream and limped toward the camp. “Where is it? Where’s the book?”
Allan ran after her, but she shook him off. “Leave me alone.”
“I’m just tryin’ to help you.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged him off.
“I don’t need your help. I need the book.”
“That’s what I mean, alright? I’ll help you find it.” He pulled Polly out from behind his back, dusted him off, and handed it to her, giving her his most winning smile. Even Lady Marian couldn’t keep her lips from twitching up.
“Very well.”
Robin, no longer the center of attention, ran huffily over to his treasure chest and pulled the sought-after copy of The Birds and shoved it into Marian’s hands. “There! Take it. I don’t want it, anyway.”
“Thank you, Robin.” Marian kissed his cheek.
Guy of Gisborne watched them from behind a large oak tree, a scowl marring his otherwise handsome features.
End Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine