I Messed Up
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I didn't mean to snap at Eiji like that. I didn't mean to mess things up again. I definitely didn't mean to take away from our time together. Sorry...
It's just... getting way too confusing. All of it. Sometimes I wish we could just go back to how things were. The two of us always got along well, no matter what happened. Lately it seems like we've argued more than ever, or stopped talking to each other all together. Something's really off and the more it happens the more I worry it'll keep... dissolving like that. I don't want to graduate without all of the tennis third years at my side, and that definitely includes Eiji.
It's my fault again... he just... says and does such weird things sometimes. Usually when he does something unexpected it's jumping on my back or tricking me into paying for lunch, now it's bringing up fanart and kissing me... other things. I get overwhelmed and end up overreacting... now we're back at square one again. Again. I really, really didn't want things like this happening again.
It was going well too, for a while.
Eiji... that second day he was sick he just looked terrible when I saw him. He slept but he looked tired, and his voice was hoarse, he could barely open his eyes when I brought him something to eat. As... I brought him his soup, I put an arm around his back to help him sit up and hold him in place. I remember thinking then, for whatever reason then that I could care for him like this forever. That thought felt so out-of-place and awkward but, it's true.
I don't know... when I started feeling this way. Maybe it happened so gradually I didn't notice. The fan comments and everything that's happened recently brought it to the forefront of my mind, but it feels like it's been there forever. Maybe that's why it feels like things haven't changed between us, even though they have. It... was nice that he relied on me the entire week, that he didn't kick me out for bothering him about taking his medicine so often, hah. Mn. It was nice. I like being your back up, Eiji.
Hm, you know he didn't bring it up again. That kiss on White Day. Even in that entire week we spent together. I... kind of really love him for that. I kind of really love him. I don't know if he's still waiting for an answer, or if he took my silence as an answer... It's... really inconsiderate of me to expect him to wait forever, na? But it's still really... it's terrifying.
It's not as if any of my plans were set in stone but, until now I'd really expected to have a simple, ordinary life. Graduate from medical school, meet a girl, that sort of thing... It's not worse now it's just different, and for some reason that's really daunting.
Hm, and there's still that thing with Tezuka... I'm not sure what's going on between the two of them, but now they're meeting up together to talk in private it seems. I don't know. I can't control that. There are a lot of things I still don't understand.
Anyway. Kikumaru Eiji, please... continue to be patient with me, okay?