TCW Explosion, episode 2
IT's Tuesday night, ladies and gentlemen, which means another installment of...EXPLOSION!
From the city of Minneapolis, This! Is! TWIN CITIES WRESTLING! *Video intro, opening pyro, pan of the crowd, pan to Cole and Ventura. Cole is dressed in a nice suit, Ventura has a sports coat, pink boa, and bandanna*
Cole: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to Twin Cities Wrestling Explosion! We've got another great line up for you tonight, here in the heart of former AWA territory!
Ventura: You got that right, Cole. We get to see the fall out from our main event last week, a pay per view quality match if ever there was one, plus the next round of both the Tag and the Singles division tournaments. I don't think I've ever seen a more action packed line up.
Cole: I'm just excited to see all the great wrestling we've seen so far. I have to say, we've signed some of the best wrestlers in the world here! Not to mention...
*The opening riffs of Shane McMahon's entrance music begins playing, and Shane appears at the top of the ramp, dancing and spinning his arm around in excitement*
Cole: Now what is *this*? We don't have Shane McMahon scheduled to be here right now!
Ventura: When you're a multi-zillionaire, Cole, you can do whatever you want! Not that you'd know. You probably bought that suit at the goodwill store this morning.
*McMahon dances down to the ring, grabbing up a microphone on his way.*
McMahon: That's right. The money has arrived! And I've got a bone to pick with what happened last week. Now, I've been reviewing the tapes, and...maybe I'm mistaken here, but I could have sworn the rules said if both feet touched the ground, you lost.
Cole: Well, he's right, but the referee was right there. We all saw, Lynn's feet didn't touch the ground!
Ventura: Shut up and let the man speak, Cole.
McMahon: Now, I know what you're thinking. The ref was right there, he could have made the call...whatever. To that, I say...let's go to the tape!
*Up on the main screen, video plays of last week's main event. Shane narrates*
McMahon: So there I am, cleaning house. Shannessy goes out, go me. Lynn is up...punch, punch...over the top...and now here's the questionable part. Let's zoom in, shall we?
*The video changes angles, and shows Lynn hanging off the middle rope. His legs dangle a bit, and his toes almost barely look like they brush the ground before he pulls himself back up*
Ventura: Well, I'm convinced! I dunno if Lynn paid off the refs or what, but his feet clearly touched the ground!
Cole: That's questionable at best!
McMahon: Now, I *demand* that Commissioner Slaughter come out here, and make the right call! Right now!
*Instead of Slaughter, Jerry Lynn's entrance music plays. Lynn comes out limping a touch, the belt slung over his shoulder, microphone in hand*
Lynn: Whining now, McMahon? Guess you really are your father's son.
McMahon: You *lost*, Lynn! Come down here and to the right thing! Give me what's mine! You're not supposed to be the champion, I am! A *McMahon* is!
Lynn: *Lynn seems to ponder it for a moment, before shaking his head* Nah, see, these people deserve to see this title in the hands of someone who grew up, born and bred, right here in Minnesota! Not some upper-crust pantywaist! How about instead, I come down there and cradle piledrive your head up to yer nutsack!
*Lynn begins moving quickly for the ring, and McMahon tosses aside the microphone, getting ready for him. Before Lynn gets to the ring, Commissioner Slaughter's entrance music plays, and Slaughter steps from the back*
Slaughter: Atteeeeeeeeen-hut! *His yell stops Lynn and McMahon in place* Either of you throws a punch outside a sanctioned match, I will fine you so fast your head'll spin! Now. McMahon! *Shane gives a questioning look at Slaughter* Rest assured, we've reviewed the tapes. The referee made his call, and you're going to have to live with that.
McMahon: *Grabs up the microphone again* Come on! What about...
Slaughter: Shut your mouth, maggot! I'm not finished yet! Now, after talking it over with my co-commissioner, I've come to a decision. Tonight, you'll have a number one contender's match for the Gimmick Division title. You'll have a triple threat match against the two men who made the biggest showing for themselves in the battle royal last week. Rhino and Sheamus O'Shennassy. Now get out of my ring. We've got some real wrestling matches to showcase.
Cole: Well, sounds like we've got tonight's main event, then!
Ventura: I'm more curious about this co-commissioner. I haven't heard about any co-commissioner. When'd we get a co-commissioner?
Cole: I dunno, Jesse, but I'm sure whoever it is just prefers to do his job and not deal with the cameras.
Ventura: Sounds like a cop-out to me. What's our line up for tonight?
Cole: Well, we've got another Singles division Tournament match. Dolph Ziggler against the Anarchist, Arik Cannon.
Ventura: Anarchist? Please, that spikey-headed freak wouldn't know anarchy if it suplexed him out of his pants. I'm actually more excited about the fourth match.
Cole: That'll be a match and a half...Mr. Perfect against Johnny Saint. Two wrestlers with technical skills that can't be matched. Almost like having the title match in the first round. But that match won't be happening until next week. We've also got the last two matches of the first round of the tag tournament. Speaking of which...
*Ken Shamrock's entrance music begins playing, and Ken comes out of the back*
Ventura: What's that loser doing here?
Cole: He petitioned Commissioner Slaughter for entrance into the tag tournament. Because of the slightly questionable way he lost his match last week. Slaughter took pity on him and let him get a partner.
Ventura: Where'd that loser find a partner?
*La Parka's music begins playing. He comes out with his steel folding chair, sliding into the ring and setting it up. He poses on it for a moment, before taking it and handing it off to one of the people at the side of the ring.*
*The opening riffs for Edge and Christian's music begin playing, and E&C come out to the ring wearing overly large, doofy sunglasses, and green bay packers jerseys. They head into the ring, and Edge grabs a microphone*
Edge: Greetings to our fans in...where the hell are we?
Christian: Green Bay! That's why we're wearing the jerseys!
Edge: *Ponders, and then shakes his head* No, no no, they're the town with the football team that *wins*. No, that's right. We're in Minneapolis. A city so dumb they eat bleached fish on special occasions.
Christian: ...I thought that was just a rumor.
Edge: No, they do. I read it in a magazine. Anyway, Prince liked the place, so how good could it really be?
*Shamrock is now done waiting around. He charges Edge, and the ref rings the bell. Shamrock hits Edge with a tackle, taking him down to the ground. He straddles and punches, and the Referee bodily grabs Shamrock off of Edge and admonishes him*
Ventura: Good on the ref! That was a blatant punch, and Shamrock's lucky he didn't get outright disqualified!
Cole: True enough on that count. Shamrock's always been a little overzealous, and it almost cost him that time.
*Shamrock picks up Edge, takes him to the corner. Tags La Parka. The two do a good job of keeping Edge seperated, tagging often. Edge mounts a comeback on La Parka, La Parka knocks him down. They go back to tagging in and out, until Edge reverses a suplex attempt from Shamrock. They're both up, Shamrock goes for a forearm, Edge ducks and back suplexes. Up again, this time Edge manages to grab Shamrock and deliver an impaler style DDT. Hot tag to Christian. Christian cleans out the ring, showboating for the crowd. La Parka comes off the top rope, knocks Christian down. Edge comes in to hit La Parka, but Shamrock takes him out with a belly to belly. La Parka hits a tag, Shamrock roars and moves to Christian's feet. That's the moment Christie Hemme runs out to the ring, wearing a t-shirt that proudly sports Shamrock's name. She gets to ringside, and Shamrock moves to the ropes, yelling and pointing at Christie to get the hell away from the ring. That distraction is enough for Christian to move from behind, grab Shamrock, and hit the Unprettier. 1-2-3, Victory for Edge and Christian*
Ventura: Oh, twice in a row! Shamrock's gotta be *livid*.
Cole: No disagreements there. I can only imagine how I'd feel if someone had cost me two potential title opportunities.
Ventura: I've been there, Cole, and lemme tell you, it doesn't feel good! Let's see if Lauren can get some insight on this *this* week!
*Scene shift to backstage. Lauren is trying to stop Shamrock, microphone in hand. Christie Hemme is also trying to stop him, pleading, looking frantic. Shamrock yells, just loud enough that the microphone can hear him*
Shamrock: STOP SCREWING UP MY MATCHES! *He then storms off. Lauren looks at Christie, confused*
Lauren: Christie Hemme, that's twice now you've cost Shamrock tournament matches. He might not get another title opportunity for months!
Christie: No! Shamrock's so athletic and powerful, he *has* to get another title shot soon! And when eh does, I'll be at ringside, helping him out and cheering him on!
Lauren: I...don't think he *wants* you at ringside...
Christie: Oh, sure he does! A good manager can be the difference between winning and losing these things! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help him shower off and rub ointment into his muscles. *She grins, and then heads off. Lauren blinks, and then looks to the camera* Uh...back to you, Jesse and Michael.
*Back to the announce team. Cole looks a bit speechless*
Ventura: Man, Michael Cole, there's crazy, and then there's *crazy*.
Cole: I think this is a good time for a commercial break.
(Commercial: *Shots to a row of small chocolate squares* “Tired of other candies that fall short in the holiness factor? Try RisenChrist! A sweet chocolate covers a crunchy, Christ filled center! Try RisenChrist today! *Jingle* RisenChrist, it's RisenChrist! Try the Lord today! DING!”)
*Back to the announce team, who has Mr. Perfect sitting there with them*
Cole: And we're back! During the commercial break, Mr. Perfect has come down to the announce table.
Perfect: Well, it'd be dumb of me not to get a front row seat to keep an eye on my competition.
Ventura: If you'd ever get in the ring, Cole, you'd understand how important study really is!
Cole: I don't have to get in the ring to understand that, Jesse. Anyway, next up is our singles tournament match. Dolph Ziggler against the Anarchist, Arik Cannon.
*Ziggler's entrance music plays, and he comes out from the back. He takes a moment to stare out at the audience, before walking down the ramp. He walks around the ring, stopping at the announce table to point at Perfect*
Ziggler: Perfect? Like hell, I am *perfection*!
Perfect: Keep walking, kid!
*Perfect starts to stand up, but Ziggler steps away and rolls into the ring. Perfect sits back down, shaking his head*
Ventura: Absolutely no respect! That was just disgraceful!
Perfect: Young cub's gotta try taking out the alpha male. I'm not concerned.
*Cannon's music begins playing, and Cannon heads down to the ring, slapping hands with the crowd before getting into the ring. He's all fire and energy! Bell rings, match starts, Ziggler and Cannon go to lock up. Cannon has more bulk, and manages to power Ziggler into the corner. Ref counts, Cannon backs off. Another lock up, Ziggler backs Cannon into the corner. Ref counts, Ziggler backs up, but then thumbs the eye. Takedown to the mat, Ziggler works on Cannon for a bit. Cannon tries to fight back, Ziggler knocks him down. More mat work with a suplex tossed in for good measure. Cannon reverses an irish whip into the corner, follows it up with a shoulder tackle. Hiptosses Ziggler out of the corner, goes to the second rope for an elbow drop. Ziggler moves, goes in for a leglock. More mat work, before Ziggler tosses Cannon at the ropes. Cannon comes back with an exploder style T-Bone suplex, then follows it up with his signature Glimmering Warlock (step-up Enziguri). Both down, both up by a 6 count. Ziggler tries for a clothesline, Cannon ducks, and goes another T-bone, this time into the turnbuckle. He drags Ziggler away from the corner, pin. 1-2, kickout. Cannon picks up Ziggler, double underhooks, pickup and spin into a slam. Pin, 1-2, kickout. Cannon stands to his feet, raising his fist and signaling his finisher. He picks up Ziggler, and pulls him on his shoulders, readying him for the Anarchist (Burning) Hammer, but Ziggler slides off, turns, and hits the Jumping Russian Legsweep. Pin, 1-2-3, Ziggler victory*
Cole: Ziggler's always been a good counter-wrestler, and that skill served him tonight in a *very* good match up.
Ventura: Ziggy got lucky, Cole.
Perfect: Yeah, if I had to give my official opinion, I'd say that was more luck than skill. Cannon was about to drop him straight on his head with that Anarchist Hammer, he just managed, barely, to wiggle out.
Cole: Luck or skill, Ziggler's still the one advancing. For now, though, we've got another interview lined up. So let's go backstage with Lauren!
*Scene shifts backstage, where we've got Lauren with Rhino and Roxxi*
Lauren: Rhino, this week you get another potential shot at the TCW Gimmick division title, and against the man who eliminated you from the battle royal last week. What are your thoughts?
Roxxi: *Grabs the microphone away from Lauren* You wanna know how the f*** Rhino feels? I'll tell you how the f*** he feels! He feels like he's gonna f*** that Irishman's s*** up, that's how he feels! *She looks at the camera* O'Hoolihan, or whatever the hell your name is, you think that's cool throwing a f***ing *leperchaun* at people?! Where the f*** do you get a leperchaun anyway?! There some kind of a leperchaun surplus store in this town or something?! Way to f***ing fight stereotypes!
Lauren: Uh...I dont' think you're allowed to use that kind of language on this show...
Roxxi: Like I give a f***. Come on, war machine, let's go get ready to pound some ass! *She tosses the microphone back at Lauren, and heads off with Rhyno*
Lauren: ...ok then. Uh...we have a commercial break lined up now.
(Commercial: Teen Girl: You know, everyone keeps talking about how awesome their God is, but all these gods I keep hearing about are petty, cruel, and don't seem to be able to keep their followers in check. I wonder if there's a god that isn't like that?
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Teen Girl: ...Who are you and how did you get in my house?
Salesman: Are you desperate for a God that isn't like all the other gods you know of?! Are you looking tirelessly for...
Teen Girl: No. Seriously. Who are you, and how did you get in my house?
Salesman: Stick to the script, kid.
Teen Girl: There's a script? I didn't get a script. Why is there a script?!
*Papers shuffled about*
Salesman: Here, here's a script. Stick to it, I'll buy ya some candy.
Teen Girl: CANDY, YAY!
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Teen Girl: *staring at the script while reading* All Powerful Nateboi? I've heard of him. He's the God of Holy Wrath and Bullshit, right?
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Teen Girl: I'm fifteen. What do I need those for?
Salesman: Script!
Teen Girl: Oh, right! *Staring at the script again* That sounds great! I'm going to look into Nateboism TODAY!
Salesman: That's right! You too can join Nateboism! Join the religion that's got dozens of people on Dementiaradio.org talking, *today*!
*spoken quickly* Nateboi does not guarantee that you will get any supernatural benefit from worshipping him. Nateboi does not guarantee that you will actually be able to get booze or convince attractive people of the gender of your choice to spend time with you. Nateboi, being the God of Bullshit, reserves the right to lie his ass off to you when you ask him for help. Do not get Nateboi wet. Do not feed Nateboi after midnight. Do not expose Nateboi to sunlight. And whatever you do, do not try to take away nateboi's beer.)
*Back to the show, open on our broadcast team*
Cole: Our next match is the fourth match in the Tag Team Tournament. I have to be honest, I'm *really* impressed at the tag teams so far.
Ventura: Yeah, but you're easy to impress, Cole, Your mind is blown about twenty times a day.
*Entrance music for The Bushwackers begins playing. They do their classic arm swinging and stomping up into the ring. Entrance music for Beer Money plays. They come out of the back, Cowboy James Storm riding on his beer cooler scooter. Into the ring, Rood and Luke start it off. They trade forearms, before Luke sends Rood to the corner. Luke and Butch switch in and out often. Rood fights back from a suplex by reversing it, moves for the tag. Butch runs in and pulls him back, Ref admonishes Butch while Luke goes for a blatant choke. It's done by the time the ref turns around. More beating on Rood, before they Butch whips Rood to the ropes, and Rood comes back with a clothesline. Butch is back up, but Rood quick hits a DDT, and they both stay down. Hot tag to Storm, tag to Luke. Storm smacks Luke with some open hand slaps, Luke ducks one and then whips Storm to the ropes hard. Storm hangs on, while Rood pours some beer into his mouth. Then Storm swings back up, turns, and catches Luke with a clothesline. Butch tries to run in, but Storm catches him with a Last Call. Butch goes rolling out of the ring. Luke is up, Rood runs in, and they deliver a double suplex. They stomp their feet, spread their arms, and bend over, before yelling out their trademark BEER! MONEY! Cry. Rood picks up Luke, while Storm takes a place bethind him. Luke is suplexed back, into Storm, who delivers a powerbomb to complete the D.W.I, Drinking While Investing. 1-2-3, Beer Money wins*
Ventura: I've heard of people saying they were powered by beer, but that's the first time I've seen it help that much.
Cole: Hey, if it works for them, it works for them. And it *clearly* worked for them.
Ventura: Well, I'm always a fan of doing whatever it takes to win.
Cole: Don't think anyone ever accused you of being otherwise, partner. Next up, we've got an exhibition match between two Gimmick Division wrestlers before we hit the main event. Bob Holly fighting against Balls Mahoney.
Ventura: Keep in mind, Cole, the standard Gimmick division match is a falls count anywhere brawl. Weapons can still get you disqualified, but you can pin your opponent anywhere!
Cole: And with two hardcore experts like Holly and Mahoney, 'anywhere' could mean 'outside in the Mississippi river'!
*Bob Holly's music begins playing, and Holly comes out to the ring, raising up his arms and saluting the crowd. Followed by Balls Mahoney, who stops at the ring apron, and then hops back. He taunts Holly, trying to draw Holly out of the ring, and Holly smirks at the crowd, as if getting their opinion. After a moment, Holly slides out of the ring, and proceeds to trade punches with Mahoney. Mahoney wins, staggering Holly with two jabs and then swings his arm around before delivering a haymaker, Holly falls, and Mahoney goes under the ring. The Referree stops him from grabbing anything*
Cole: And again, the Referee enforces the rules!
Ventura: That's right, Cole, because those outside objects are still a straight up DQ if they get used.
*By the time the Ref convinces Mahoney not to go for a weapon, Holly is up. He slugs Mahoney, and whips him to the guard railing before charging at Mahoney and clotheslining him over the railing. Holly pounds on Mahoney for a few minutes, before Mahoney ducks and pushes Holly against the stair railing. Club to the back, and then Mahoney tries to slam Holly's head against the railing before Holly reverses and slams Mahoney's head against the railing. Holly beats on Mahoney back down the stairs, back to the railing, and whips him over. Holly follows him over, and moves for an elbow drop, but Mahoney moves out of the way. Mahoney moves to straddle Holly, and delivers several punches before Holly pushes him off. Mahoney and Holly are up, Mahoney goes for a suplex, Holly reverses and hits a suplex of his own. Holly picks him up, throws him into the ring, and then rolls in himself. He picks Mahoney up for the Alabama Slamma, but Mahoney kicks and manages to get back to his feet. In a flash, Mahoney picks up Holly and powerbombs him, both down. Ref begins counting, they're both up by a five count and begin to trade blows, the crowd yelling “BALLS!” when Balls hits, and “SUCKS!” when Holly hits. Balls ducks a punch, and back suplexes Holly. Pin, 1-2, kickout. He picks up Holly, and moves for a body slam, but Holly slides around Mahoney's back and delivers a heavy clothesline. Mahoney falls, and he rolls Mahoney over and pins. 1-2, kickout. He picks up Mahoney, who breaks out and delivers a kick to the mid-section. Mahoney tucks Holly's head between his knees, and begins picking him up for a piledriver. Holly kicks his feet and reveses, picking Mahoney up for the Alabama Slamma. Mahoney manages to reverse, delivers the piledriver, and pins. 1-2-3, Mahoney wins*
Cole: That was an impressive victory from Mahoney!
Ventura: They don't come much tougher than Bob Holly, Cole, so having a win over Holly under your belt is no small feat. I wouldn't be surprised if Commissioner Slaughter takes a look at that when he starts thinking about future title shots.
Cole: We've got one more commercial break before our main event! Stay tuned in!
(Commercial: *Scene opens with a pedestrian stepping off the sidewalk and getting hit by a public transit bus. The bus stops, people are freaking out, yelling for paramedics. Then, everything stops, and the victim sits up* “Are you tired of getting hit by busses? I know I am. I can't hardly walk across the street without the little bastards trying to run me down. Thankfully, the good people at Prescott Pharmacuticals have created this.” *He pulls up a pillbottle with a picture of a bus in a red circle with a line through it* “Bus-b-Gone. Bus-b-Gone causes your body chemistry to emit a special hormone that busses simply can't stand.” *Drawing of a human outline emiting wavy lines, with buses backing away* Just one Bus-b-Gone a day, and your bus troubles are over.” *Same scene as the beginning, only this time, instead of hitting him, the bus turns and skids and crashes into a wall. Carnage, but the guy smiles at the camera*)
Cole: And we're back, ladies and gentlemen! And it's now time for your Explosion main event!
Ventura: Two guys who made a good showing for themselves, Seamus and Rhino, are about to get thrown around the arena by wrestling *royalty*.
Cole: I don't know that I'd call it 'royalty'. I mean, I think royalty, I think the Von Erics, the Gurrerros.
Ventura: You disputing me, Cole? The McMahons have been the biggest name in wrestling for *years*
Cole: Maybe the despotic dictators who took over in a violent military coup...
*Rhino's music begins playing, and Rhino and Roxxi step out of the back. Rhino looks pumped, Roxxi is carrying a steel chair, which she holds up to showboat for the crowd. They head down to the ring, Rhino rolling in, Roxxi keeping her place at ringside*
Ventura: The Ref should take that chair away from her! You know she's planning to use it!
Cole: Nature of the Triple Threat is that it's no DQ. We've gotta have a winner.
*Seamus' music begins playing, and Seamus comes down to the ring. Roxxi yells at Rhino to hit him, and Rhino doesn't wait for the bell or for Shane. He charges Seamus, tackling him down and raining punches down on Seamus' face. The Ref tries to admonish Rhino, but Rhino is livid. While Rhino punches the crap out of Seamus, Shane McMahon's music plays. Shane runs down to the ring, slides in, and smacks a kick across Rhino's head. Rhino rolls off, and Shane goes for a quick pin on Seamus. 1-2, kick out. Shane moves to try to pin Rhino, but Roxxi slides in and pushes him off. Shane turns, and threatens to swing a punch at Roxxi, and Roxxi retreats to outside the ring. By this time, Seamus has gotten up, and when Shane turns back to the match, Seamus hits him with a big boot. He then turns to deal with Rhino, who's getting to his feet. He gives Rhino a clubbing blow to the back, and begins working Rhino over. He throws Rhino to the corner, when Shane gets to his feet and chopblocks the back of Seamus' knee. Seamus drops, and Shane stands up and begins punching Rhino. Meanwhile, Roxxi has climbed up onto the ring apron, and is shoving her chair in between the turnbuckles. She yells at Rhino, who blocks one of Shane punches as if on cue, and turns, powering Shane into the corner. Rhino throws a few punches, before hard irish whipping Shane into the opposite corner and thus, into the chair. Shane flails and tries to move away, but Rhino followed him, and shoulder tackles Shane back into the chair. Seamus, meanwhile, has rolled outside the ring. He's reaching underneath, but Roxxi grabs another chair and runs towards Seamus. Seamus pulls out Hornswaggle just as Roxxi gets there, and as Seamus tries to shove Hornswaggle into the ring, Roxxi smacks him with a chair. The leperchaun drops to the ground*
Cole: Roxxi was prepared for the leperchaun tonight!
Ventura: What the hell is that thing doing under our ring?!
Cole: ...I think he lives there...
*Rhino works over Shane, while Seamus turns and begins yelling at Roxxi. Roxxi yells back, while the Ref is leaning over the ropes, trying to seperate them. Roxxi turns, acting like she's going to walk away, but then turns again and smacks Seamus with the chair. Seamus goes down. Meanwhile, in the ring. Rhino has knocked Shane down, and is trying to grab the chair out from the turnbuckle. Shane crawls up to his knees, and as Rhino grabs the chair and turns, he hits a lowblow. Rhino is stunned long enough for Shane to get to his feet. He delivers a kick to the mid-section, hits a stunner, and goes for the pin. 1-2-3, Victory!*
Ventura: My God, Cole, there are bodies everywhere!
Cole: That's what happens in a TCW Gimmick division match! But did you see what McMahon did?!
Ventura: What it took to win, that's what he did!
Cole: He took blatant advantage of the lack of DQ to go for a low blow!
Ventura: Of course he did! McMahon's don't twinkle toe around when there's victory on the line!
Cole: Well, that's all the time we have, ladies and gentlemen. Be here next week, for the next installment of TCW Explosion!
From the city of Minneapolis, This! Is! TWIN CITIES WRESTLING! *Video intro, opening pyro, pan of the crowd, pan to Cole and Ventura. Cole is dressed in a nice suit, Ventura has a sports coat, pink boa, and bandanna*
Cole: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to Twin Cities Wrestling Explosion! We've got another great line up for you tonight, here in the heart of former AWA territory!
Ventura: You got that right, Cole. We get to see the fall out from our main event last week, a pay per view quality match if ever there was one, plus the next round of both the Tag and the Singles division tournaments. I don't think I've ever seen a more action packed line up.
Cole: I'm just excited to see all the great wrestling we've seen so far. I have to say, we've signed some of the best wrestlers in the world here! Not to mention...
*The opening riffs of Shane McMahon's entrance music begins playing, and Shane appears at the top of the ramp, dancing and spinning his arm around in excitement*
Cole: Now what is *this*? We don't have Shane McMahon scheduled to be here right now!
Ventura: When you're a multi-zillionaire, Cole, you can do whatever you want! Not that you'd know. You probably bought that suit at the goodwill store this morning.
*McMahon dances down to the ring, grabbing up a microphone on his way.*
McMahon: That's right. The money has arrived! And I've got a bone to pick with what happened last week. Now, I've been reviewing the tapes, and...maybe I'm mistaken here, but I could have sworn the rules said if both feet touched the ground, you lost.
Cole: Well, he's right, but the referee was right there. We all saw, Lynn's feet didn't touch the ground!
Ventura: Shut up and let the man speak, Cole.
McMahon: Now, I know what you're thinking. The ref was right there, he could have made the call...whatever. To that, I say...let's go to the tape!
*Up on the main screen, video plays of last week's main event. Shane narrates*
McMahon: So there I am, cleaning house. Shannessy goes out, go me. Lynn is up...punch, punch...over the top...and now here's the questionable part. Let's zoom in, shall we?
*The video changes angles, and shows Lynn hanging off the middle rope. His legs dangle a bit, and his toes almost barely look like they brush the ground before he pulls himself back up*
Ventura: Well, I'm convinced! I dunno if Lynn paid off the refs or what, but his feet clearly touched the ground!
Cole: That's questionable at best!
McMahon: Now, I *demand* that Commissioner Slaughter come out here, and make the right call! Right now!
*Instead of Slaughter, Jerry Lynn's entrance music plays. Lynn comes out limping a touch, the belt slung over his shoulder, microphone in hand*
Lynn: Whining now, McMahon? Guess you really are your father's son.
McMahon: You *lost*, Lynn! Come down here and to the right thing! Give me what's mine! You're not supposed to be the champion, I am! A *McMahon* is!
Lynn: *Lynn seems to ponder it for a moment, before shaking his head* Nah, see, these people deserve to see this title in the hands of someone who grew up, born and bred, right here in Minnesota! Not some upper-crust pantywaist! How about instead, I come down there and cradle piledrive your head up to yer nutsack!
*Lynn begins moving quickly for the ring, and McMahon tosses aside the microphone, getting ready for him. Before Lynn gets to the ring, Commissioner Slaughter's entrance music plays, and Slaughter steps from the back*
Slaughter: Atteeeeeeeeen-hut! *His yell stops Lynn and McMahon in place* Either of you throws a punch outside a sanctioned match, I will fine you so fast your head'll spin! Now. McMahon! *Shane gives a questioning look at Slaughter* Rest assured, we've reviewed the tapes. The referee made his call, and you're going to have to live with that.
McMahon: *Grabs up the microphone again* Come on! What about...
Slaughter: Shut your mouth, maggot! I'm not finished yet! Now, after talking it over with my co-commissioner, I've come to a decision. Tonight, you'll have a number one contender's match for the Gimmick Division title. You'll have a triple threat match against the two men who made the biggest showing for themselves in the battle royal last week. Rhino and Sheamus O'Shennassy. Now get out of my ring. We've got some real wrestling matches to showcase.
Cole: Well, sounds like we've got tonight's main event, then!
Ventura: I'm more curious about this co-commissioner. I haven't heard about any co-commissioner. When'd we get a co-commissioner?
Cole: I dunno, Jesse, but I'm sure whoever it is just prefers to do his job and not deal with the cameras.
Ventura: Sounds like a cop-out to me. What's our line up for tonight?
Cole: Well, we've got another Singles division Tournament match. Dolph Ziggler against the Anarchist, Arik Cannon.
Ventura: Anarchist? Please, that spikey-headed freak wouldn't know anarchy if it suplexed him out of his pants. I'm actually more excited about the fourth match.
Cole: That'll be a match and a half...Mr. Perfect against Johnny Saint. Two wrestlers with technical skills that can't be matched. Almost like having the title match in the first round. But that match won't be happening until next week. We've also got the last two matches of the first round of the tag tournament. Speaking of which...
*Ken Shamrock's entrance music begins playing, and Ken comes out of the back*
Ventura: What's that loser doing here?
Cole: He petitioned Commissioner Slaughter for entrance into the tag tournament. Because of the slightly questionable way he lost his match last week. Slaughter took pity on him and let him get a partner.
Ventura: Where'd that loser find a partner?
*La Parka's music begins playing. He comes out with his steel folding chair, sliding into the ring and setting it up. He poses on it for a moment, before taking it and handing it off to one of the people at the side of the ring.*
*The opening riffs for Edge and Christian's music begin playing, and E&C come out to the ring wearing overly large, doofy sunglasses, and green bay packers jerseys. They head into the ring, and Edge grabs a microphone*
Edge: Greetings to our fans in...where the hell are we?
Christian: Green Bay! That's why we're wearing the jerseys!
Edge: *Ponders, and then shakes his head* No, no no, they're the town with the football team that *wins*. No, that's right. We're in Minneapolis. A city so dumb they eat bleached fish on special occasions.
Christian: ...I thought that was just a rumor.
Edge: No, they do. I read it in a magazine. Anyway, Prince liked the place, so how good could it really be?
*Shamrock is now done waiting around. He charges Edge, and the ref rings the bell. Shamrock hits Edge with a tackle, taking him down to the ground. He straddles and punches, and the Referee bodily grabs Shamrock off of Edge and admonishes him*
Ventura: Good on the ref! That was a blatant punch, and Shamrock's lucky he didn't get outright disqualified!
Cole: True enough on that count. Shamrock's always been a little overzealous, and it almost cost him that time.
*Shamrock picks up Edge, takes him to the corner. Tags La Parka. The two do a good job of keeping Edge seperated, tagging often. Edge mounts a comeback on La Parka, La Parka knocks him down. They go back to tagging in and out, until Edge reverses a suplex attempt from Shamrock. They're both up, Shamrock goes for a forearm, Edge ducks and back suplexes. Up again, this time Edge manages to grab Shamrock and deliver an impaler style DDT. Hot tag to Christian. Christian cleans out the ring, showboating for the crowd. La Parka comes off the top rope, knocks Christian down. Edge comes in to hit La Parka, but Shamrock takes him out with a belly to belly. La Parka hits a tag, Shamrock roars and moves to Christian's feet. That's the moment Christie Hemme runs out to the ring, wearing a t-shirt that proudly sports Shamrock's name. She gets to ringside, and Shamrock moves to the ropes, yelling and pointing at Christie to get the hell away from the ring. That distraction is enough for Christian to move from behind, grab Shamrock, and hit the Unprettier. 1-2-3, Victory for Edge and Christian*
Ventura: Oh, twice in a row! Shamrock's gotta be *livid*.
Cole: No disagreements there. I can only imagine how I'd feel if someone had cost me two potential title opportunities.
Ventura: I've been there, Cole, and lemme tell you, it doesn't feel good! Let's see if Lauren can get some insight on this *this* week!
*Scene shift to backstage. Lauren is trying to stop Shamrock, microphone in hand. Christie Hemme is also trying to stop him, pleading, looking frantic. Shamrock yells, just loud enough that the microphone can hear him*
Shamrock: STOP SCREWING UP MY MATCHES! *He then storms off. Lauren looks at Christie, confused*
Lauren: Christie Hemme, that's twice now you've cost Shamrock tournament matches. He might not get another title opportunity for months!
Christie: No! Shamrock's so athletic and powerful, he *has* to get another title shot soon! And when eh does, I'll be at ringside, helping him out and cheering him on!
Lauren: I...don't think he *wants* you at ringside...
Christie: Oh, sure he does! A good manager can be the difference between winning and losing these things! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help him shower off and rub ointment into his muscles. *She grins, and then heads off. Lauren blinks, and then looks to the camera* Uh...back to you, Jesse and Michael.
*Back to the announce team. Cole looks a bit speechless*
Ventura: Man, Michael Cole, there's crazy, and then there's *crazy*.
Cole: I think this is a good time for a commercial break.
(Commercial: *Shots to a row of small chocolate squares* “Tired of other candies that fall short in the holiness factor? Try RisenChrist! A sweet chocolate covers a crunchy, Christ filled center! Try RisenChrist today! *Jingle* RisenChrist, it's RisenChrist! Try the Lord today! DING!”)
*Back to the announce team, who has Mr. Perfect sitting there with them*
Cole: And we're back! During the commercial break, Mr. Perfect has come down to the announce table.
Perfect: Well, it'd be dumb of me not to get a front row seat to keep an eye on my competition.
Ventura: If you'd ever get in the ring, Cole, you'd understand how important study really is!
Cole: I don't have to get in the ring to understand that, Jesse. Anyway, next up is our singles tournament match. Dolph Ziggler against the Anarchist, Arik Cannon.
*Ziggler's entrance music plays, and he comes out from the back. He takes a moment to stare out at the audience, before walking down the ramp. He walks around the ring, stopping at the announce table to point at Perfect*
Ziggler: Perfect? Like hell, I am *perfection*!
Perfect: Keep walking, kid!
*Perfect starts to stand up, but Ziggler steps away and rolls into the ring. Perfect sits back down, shaking his head*
Ventura: Absolutely no respect! That was just disgraceful!
Perfect: Young cub's gotta try taking out the alpha male. I'm not concerned.
*Cannon's music begins playing, and Cannon heads down to the ring, slapping hands with the crowd before getting into the ring. He's all fire and energy! Bell rings, match starts, Ziggler and Cannon go to lock up. Cannon has more bulk, and manages to power Ziggler into the corner. Ref counts, Cannon backs off. Another lock up, Ziggler backs Cannon into the corner. Ref counts, Ziggler backs up, but then thumbs the eye. Takedown to the mat, Ziggler works on Cannon for a bit. Cannon tries to fight back, Ziggler knocks him down. More mat work with a suplex tossed in for good measure. Cannon reverses an irish whip into the corner, follows it up with a shoulder tackle. Hiptosses Ziggler out of the corner, goes to the second rope for an elbow drop. Ziggler moves, goes in for a leglock. More mat work, before Ziggler tosses Cannon at the ropes. Cannon comes back with an exploder style T-Bone suplex, then follows it up with his signature Glimmering Warlock (step-up Enziguri). Both down, both up by a 6 count. Ziggler tries for a clothesline, Cannon ducks, and goes another T-bone, this time into the turnbuckle. He drags Ziggler away from the corner, pin. 1-2, kickout. Cannon picks up Ziggler, double underhooks, pickup and spin into a slam. Pin, 1-2, kickout. Cannon stands to his feet, raising his fist and signaling his finisher. He picks up Ziggler, and pulls him on his shoulders, readying him for the Anarchist (Burning) Hammer, but Ziggler slides off, turns, and hits the Jumping Russian Legsweep. Pin, 1-2-3, Ziggler victory*
Cole: Ziggler's always been a good counter-wrestler, and that skill served him tonight in a *very* good match up.
Ventura: Ziggy got lucky, Cole.
Perfect: Yeah, if I had to give my official opinion, I'd say that was more luck than skill. Cannon was about to drop him straight on his head with that Anarchist Hammer, he just managed, barely, to wiggle out.
Cole: Luck or skill, Ziggler's still the one advancing. For now, though, we've got another interview lined up. So let's go backstage with Lauren!
*Scene shifts backstage, where we've got Lauren with Rhino and Roxxi*
Lauren: Rhino, this week you get another potential shot at the TCW Gimmick division title, and against the man who eliminated you from the battle royal last week. What are your thoughts?
Roxxi: *Grabs the microphone away from Lauren* You wanna know how the f*** Rhino feels? I'll tell you how the f*** he feels! He feels like he's gonna f*** that Irishman's s*** up, that's how he feels! *She looks at the camera* O'Hoolihan, or whatever the hell your name is, you think that's cool throwing a f***ing *leperchaun* at people?! Where the f*** do you get a leperchaun anyway?! There some kind of a leperchaun surplus store in this town or something?! Way to f***ing fight stereotypes!
Lauren: Uh...I dont' think you're allowed to use that kind of language on this show...
Roxxi: Like I give a f***. Come on, war machine, let's go get ready to pound some ass! *She tosses the microphone back at Lauren, and heads off with Rhyno*
Lauren: ...ok then. Uh...we have a commercial break lined up now.
(Commercial: Teen Girl: You know, everyone keeps talking about how awesome their God is, but all these gods I keep hearing about are petty, cruel, and don't seem to be able to keep their followers in check. I wonder if there's a god that isn't like that?
Salesman: I hear you're in the market for a new god!
Teen Girl: ...Who are you and how did you get in my house?
Salesman: Are you desperate for a God that isn't like all the other gods you know of?! Are you looking tirelessly for...
Teen Girl: No. Seriously. Who are you, and how did you get in my house?
Salesman: Stick to the script, kid.
Teen Girl: There's a script? I didn't get a script. Why is there a script?!
*Papers shuffled about*
Salesman: Here, here's a script. Stick to it, I'll buy ya some candy.
Teen Girl: CANDY, YAY!
Salesman: Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Are you looking tirelessly for the one god that can answer all your problems?! Then look no further than THE ALL POWERFUL NATEBOI!
Teen Girl: *staring at the script while reading* All Powerful Nateboi? I've heard of him. He's the God of Holy Wrath and Bullshit, right?
Salesman: That's right! And remember, with every prayer to the All Powerful Nateboi, you get a *free* encouragement to drink and spend time with attractive people of the gender of your choice!
Teen Girl: I'm fifteen. What do I need those for?
Salesman: Script!
Teen Girl: Oh, right! *Staring at the script again* That sounds great! I'm going to look into Nateboism TODAY!
Salesman: That's right! You too can join Nateboism! Join the religion that's got dozens of people on Dementiaradio.org talking, *today*!
*spoken quickly* Nateboi does not guarantee that you will get any supernatural benefit from worshipping him. Nateboi does not guarantee that you will actually be able to get booze or convince attractive people of the gender of your choice to spend time with you. Nateboi, being the God of Bullshit, reserves the right to lie his ass off to you when you ask him for help. Do not get Nateboi wet. Do not feed Nateboi after midnight. Do not expose Nateboi to sunlight. And whatever you do, do not try to take away nateboi's beer.)
*Back to the show, open on our broadcast team*
Cole: Our next match is the fourth match in the Tag Team Tournament. I have to be honest, I'm *really* impressed at the tag teams so far.
Ventura: Yeah, but you're easy to impress, Cole, Your mind is blown about twenty times a day.
*Entrance music for The Bushwackers begins playing. They do their classic arm swinging and stomping up into the ring. Entrance music for Beer Money plays. They come out of the back, Cowboy James Storm riding on his beer cooler scooter. Into the ring, Rood and Luke start it off. They trade forearms, before Luke sends Rood to the corner. Luke and Butch switch in and out often. Rood fights back from a suplex by reversing it, moves for the tag. Butch runs in and pulls him back, Ref admonishes Butch while Luke goes for a blatant choke. It's done by the time the ref turns around. More beating on Rood, before they Butch whips Rood to the ropes, and Rood comes back with a clothesline. Butch is back up, but Rood quick hits a DDT, and they both stay down. Hot tag to Storm, tag to Luke. Storm smacks Luke with some open hand slaps, Luke ducks one and then whips Storm to the ropes hard. Storm hangs on, while Rood pours some beer into his mouth. Then Storm swings back up, turns, and catches Luke with a clothesline. Butch tries to run in, but Storm catches him with a Last Call. Butch goes rolling out of the ring. Luke is up, Rood runs in, and they deliver a double suplex. They stomp their feet, spread their arms, and bend over, before yelling out their trademark BEER! MONEY! Cry. Rood picks up Luke, while Storm takes a place bethind him. Luke is suplexed back, into Storm, who delivers a powerbomb to complete the D.W.I, Drinking While Investing. 1-2-3, Beer Money wins*
Ventura: I've heard of people saying they were powered by beer, but that's the first time I've seen it help that much.
Cole: Hey, if it works for them, it works for them. And it *clearly* worked for them.
Ventura: Well, I'm always a fan of doing whatever it takes to win.
Cole: Don't think anyone ever accused you of being otherwise, partner. Next up, we've got an exhibition match between two Gimmick Division wrestlers before we hit the main event. Bob Holly fighting against Balls Mahoney.
Ventura: Keep in mind, Cole, the standard Gimmick division match is a falls count anywhere brawl. Weapons can still get you disqualified, but you can pin your opponent anywhere!
Cole: And with two hardcore experts like Holly and Mahoney, 'anywhere' could mean 'outside in the Mississippi river'!
*Bob Holly's music begins playing, and Holly comes out to the ring, raising up his arms and saluting the crowd. Followed by Balls Mahoney, who stops at the ring apron, and then hops back. He taunts Holly, trying to draw Holly out of the ring, and Holly smirks at the crowd, as if getting their opinion. After a moment, Holly slides out of the ring, and proceeds to trade punches with Mahoney. Mahoney wins, staggering Holly with two jabs and then swings his arm around before delivering a haymaker, Holly falls, and Mahoney goes under the ring. The Referree stops him from grabbing anything*
Cole: And again, the Referee enforces the rules!
Ventura: That's right, Cole, because those outside objects are still a straight up DQ if they get used.
*By the time the Ref convinces Mahoney not to go for a weapon, Holly is up. He slugs Mahoney, and whips him to the guard railing before charging at Mahoney and clotheslining him over the railing. Holly pounds on Mahoney for a few minutes, before Mahoney ducks and pushes Holly against the stair railing. Club to the back, and then Mahoney tries to slam Holly's head against the railing before Holly reverses and slams Mahoney's head against the railing. Holly beats on Mahoney back down the stairs, back to the railing, and whips him over. Holly follows him over, and moves for an elbow drop, but Mahoney moves out of the way. Mahoney moves to straddle Holly, and delivers several punches before Holly pushes him off. Mahoney and Holly are up, Mahoney goes for a suplex, Holly reverses and hits a suplex of his own. Holly picks him up, throws him into the ring, and then rolls in himself. He picks Mahoney up for the Alabama Slamma, but Mahoney kicks and manages to get back to his feet. In a flash, Mahoney picks up Holly and powerbombs him, both down. Ref begins counting, they're both up by a five count and begin to trade blows, the crowd yelling “BALLS!” when Balls hits, and “SUCKS!” when Holly hits. Balls ducks a punch, and back suplexes Holly. Pin, 1-2, kickout. He picks up Holly, and moves for a body slam, but Holly slides around Mahoney's back and delivers a heavy clothesline. Mahoney falls, and he rolls Mahoney over and pins. 1-2, kickout. He picks up Mahoney, who breaks out and delivers a kick to the mid-section. Mahoney tucks Holly's head between his knees, and begins picking him up for a piledriver. Holly kicks his feet and reveses, picking Mahoney up for the Alabama Slamma. Mahoney manages to reverse, delivers the piledriver, and pins. 1-2-3, Mahoney wins*
Cole: That was an impressive victory from Mahoney!
Ventura: They don't come much tougher than Bob Holly, Cole, so having a win over Holly under your belt is no small feat. I wouldn't be surprised if Commissioner Slaughter takes a look at that when he starts thinking about future title shots.
Cole: We've got one more commercial break before our main event! Stay tuned in!
(Commercial: *Scene opens with a pedestrian stepping off the sidewalk and getting hit by a public transit bus. The bus stops, people are freaking out, yelling for paramedics. Then, everything stops, and the victim sits up* “Are you tired of getting hit by busses? I know I am. I can't hardly walk across the street without the little bastards trying to run me down. Thankfully, the good people at Prescott Pharmacuticals have created this.” *He pulls up a pillbottle with a picture of a bus in a red circle with a line through it* “Bus-b-Gone. Bus-b-Gone causes your body chemistry to emit a special hormone that busses simply can't stand.” *Drawing of a human outline emiting wavy lines, with buses backing away* Just one Bus-b-Gone a day, and your bus troubles are over.” *Same scene as the beginning, only this time, instead of hitting him, the bus turns and skids and crashes into a wall. Carnage, but the guy smiles at the camera*)
Cole: And we're back, ladies and gentlemen! And it's now time for your Explosion main event!
Ventura: Two guys who made a good showing for themselves, Seamus and Rhino, are about to get thrown around the arena by wrestling *royalty*.
Cole: I don't know that I'd call it 'royalty'. I mean, I think royalty, I think the Von Erics, the Gurrerros.
Ventura: You disputing me, Cole? The McMahons have been the biggest name in wrestling for *years*
Cole: Maybe the despotic dictators who took over in a violent military coup...
*Rhino's music begins playing, and Rhino and Roxxi step out of the back. Rhino looks pumped, Roxxi is carrying a steel chair, which she holds up to showboat for the crowd. They head down to the ring, Rhino rolling in, Roxxi keeping her place at ringside*
Ventura: The Ref should take that chair away from her! You know she's planning to use it!
Cole: Nature of the Triple Threat is that it's no DQ. We've gotta have a winner.
*Seamus' music begins playing, and Seamus comes down to the ring. Roxxi yells at Rhino to hit him, and Rhino doesn't wait for the bell or for Shane. He charges Seamus, tackling him down and raining punches down on Seamus' face. The Ref tries to admonish Rhino, but Rhino is livid. While Rhino punches the crap out of Seamus, Shane McMahon's music plays. Shane runs down to the ring, slides in, and smacks a kick across Rhino's head. Rhino rolls off, and Shane goes for a quick pin on Seamus. 1-2, kick out. Shane moves to try to pin Rhino, but Roxxi slides in and pushes him off. Shane turns, and threatens to swing a punch at Roxxi, and Roxxi retreats to outside the ring. By this time, Seamus has gotten up, and when Shane turns back to the match, Seamus hits him with a big boot. He then turns to deal with Rhino, who's getting to his feet. He gives Rhino a clubbing blow to the back, and begins working Rhino over. He throws Rhino to the corner, when Shane gets to his feet and chopblocks the back of Seamus' knee. Seamus drops, and Shane stands up and begins punching Rhino. Meanwhile, Roxxi has climbed up onto the ring apron, and is shoving her chair in between the turnbuckles. She yells at Rhino, who blocks one of Shane punches as if on cue, and turns, powering Shane into the corner. Rhino throws a few punches, before hard irish whipping Shane into the opposite corner and thus, into the chair. Shane flails and tries to move away, but Rhino followed him, and shoulder tackles Shane back into the chair. Seamus, meanwhile, has rolled outside the ring. He's reaching underneath, but Roxxi grabs another chair and runs towards Seamus. Seamus pulls out Hornswaggle just as Roxxi gets there, and as Seamus tries to shove Hornswaggle into the ring, Roxxi smacks him with a chair. The leperchaun drops to the ground*
Cole: Roxxi was prepared for the leperchaun tonight!
Ventura: What the hell is that thing doing under our ring?!
Cole: ...I think he lives there...
*Rhino works over Shane, while Seamus turns and begins yelling at Roxxi. Roxxi yells back, while the Ref is leaning over the ropes, trying to seperate them. Roxxi turns, acting like she's going to walk away, but then turns again and smacks Seamus with the chair. Seamus goes down. Meanwhile, in the ring. Rhino has knocked Shane down, and is trying to grab the chair out from the turnbuckle. Shane crawls up to his knees, and as Rhino grabs the chair and turns, he hits a lowblow. Rhino is stunned long enough for Shane to get to his feet. He delivers a kick to the mid-section, hits a stunner, and goes for the pin. 1-2-3, Victory!*
Ventura: My God, Cole, there are bodies everywhere!
Cole: That's what happens in a TCW Gimmick division match! But did you see what McMahon did?!
Ventura: What it took to win, that's what he did!
Cole: He took blatant advantage of the lack of DQ to go for a low blow!
Ventura: Of course he did! McMahon's don't twinkle toe around when there's victory on the line!
Cole: Well, that's all the time we have, ladies and gentlemen. Be here next week, for the next installment of TCW Explosion!