(no subject)
“…those people who make a deliberate show of certain characteristic behaviors without feeling the motivation those appearances imply.”
I’m going to start off by saying that my English teacher told me friday that my biggest problem is organization; that I have a lot to say, but I need to wean away from stream-of-consciousness-and I’m getting a whole lot better, actually, at organization-and start trying to make my thoughts more …well, organized. With that said, I will attempt to write this without it becoming a stream-of-consciousness piece of prose or whatever. I’m not a writer, but you know what I mean. Chances are I’ll fail.
I think a lot of people are phony. By this, I mean exactly what Francis Bacon meant when he wrote “Of Seeming Wise,” some bullshit essay I had to read for a class at school. The above quote is not from the essay, but it’s pertaining to it.
I’m not sitting in this chair believing that I am higher-up than anyone who might come across this because I can identify flaws in myself. I don’t know exactly how I feel towards the people who can’t recognize this about themselves. Sorry? Unsympathetic? I’m not sure.
Another occurrence in school on friday was a sweet discussion about affirmative action, and I got to thinking: do I believe that people are equal? The answer is a frank “no,” but I can explain. Everyone has different abilities and flaws. Additionally, we all have disadvantages and opportunities-some have less than others. I used to see this as everyone being completely unequal, those with fewer opportunities are obviously not as capable, while those with less disadvantages are probably more capable and successful than the underprivileged. This is what I believed, and this is what I tried telling Andy when we were watching kittens once night. I remember him saying that just because people have different abilities does not mean that they don’t ultimately add up to be whole. Actually I don’t remember exactly what he said. I think that he omitted the social and economic factors when determining if people are equal.
Anyhow, I sided with the group that said affirmative action is “unequal treatment of equals,” and I got to thinking about it and I don’t even agree with it at all. By law and by nature, humans are humans and we are equals; equal opportunity employment and shit. But also by nature, the fittest survive [survival of the fittest? of course], and I agree with this, too. “We,” being “humans” all have differing abilities, talents, setbacks, etc. embedded in our personalities.
Tangent: Everyone is born with a core, and I think that this is unchangeable. I remember having a conversation with Kate about this once a long time ago, and she and I were saying the same thing. About the unchanging elements of personality, I mean. We do not have more than one “self.” Everyone will always have a personality that is unchanging, no matter how hard they try to change it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t wear a different shirt if you’re prone to wearing only sweaters, or brown pants instead of your usual black. Yeah, people change, but personalities don’t. People change, but people don’t change. That’s not where I see the “fake.” “Fake,” to me, is the same as it was to Francis Bacon. This does not make me cool; I had to read this essay for school-and I didn’t even like it until I read it for the 50th time-it just makes Francis Bacon fucking dead on.
Anyways, in terms of surviving in nature, “we” don’t have to worry about this anymore. We’re not Neanderthals, but I believe that over time, certain races of people might die out, especially in America, where races are competing against each other. Evolution takes time, so I don’t expect to see anyone die out. If anything, it will probably be Caucasians, because I’m pretty sure our genes are recessive? I don’t know, I never got too in-depth with genes in biology. Enough of this.
Completely annulling my so-called “theory” [should’ve written this for my -ism project? Yeah!], I’ve never met anyone that I didn’t think has one major flaw. I think I know a lot of people who have so many more than one. I have a lot more than one. I know a few people that have one gigantic imperfection, though, that almost presides over their entire personality and makes me just ditch their ass. I’m not talking about looks, here, because I think that looks are pretty much …whatever, in the eye of the beholder. And all my friends are gorgeous, anyhow. So, this leads me to this: once someone starts trying to rewrite their personality, is it time to go? I’m not talking about someone who is trying to get over alcoholism or, like, an obsession with porn. This isn’t Dr. Phil, as much as I wish it were.
Kind of tangent, but relevant. Very long, but relevant:
Personally, I was born this way. I was born like this and I can’t help it. Since when have I ever had friends? I was just talking with Jillian at lunch and after school, and I think I used to kind of dance around the fact that I never really had friends growing up. I think at one point, when I tried being friends with the cool kids, I actually thought for one moment in time that I was popular, or that more than 2 people enjoyed my company. Why did I never have friends? Yeah, I’m probably a loser, but I think it has to be something bigger than just that I don’t have a winning personality or really cool ideas or a socially-addictive lifestyle. I never chose good people to be friends with, anyhow-it was always someone who was louder than me, because all the quiet people would tell on me for doing something I shouldn’t have done. Sarah Little used to “tattle,” but she’s loud now, too. So, okay. I have some pretty good friends now, but I still don’t have that many. I’ve had one friend on and off for about 6 years now, and that’s probably the closest I’m ever going to get to having a best friend. I mean, she is my best friend, even though I used to get completely baffled by her superficiality or whatever, and I didn’t know how else to deal with it besides just not talking to her for 2 or 3 months at a time, but she’s growing up, and so am I [finally], so we can deal with each other without hating each other every 10 days.
But anyways, I was quiet and shy in grammar school. And, contrary to popular belief, I never really did work. I did what I needed to in school, and I did have trouble paying attention [who the FUCK wants to listen to Mrs. Haase? She tormented me with anything from how to hold a pencil correctly to the fact that there was no way she could lose my homework because she was the teacher.] I never tried hard in school. School was never HARD for me. I never took time to actually listen to the teachers because I already KNEW what they were TELLING me. I was secluded from the rest of kids my age from the start of my public school career. Did that fuck me up? I mean, probably not, but then I went on to be surrounded by like 8 kids my own age and 15 kids a year older than me who really shouldn’t have been in a split class*. I just plain…had trouble getting along with people. I either couldn’t understand how people were so dumb, or they couldn’t understand me, or I was always doing something wrong, or I just wasn’t good enough to be friends with whoever.
Once I got into junior high, I was still largely unchallenged by the curriculum, but I still turned in my work. I didn’t spend any more than probably 20 minutes after school doing homework, and any time after that was spent playing some bullshit sport to pass the time [basketball? Yeah, I played basketball. I wasn’t terrible at sports when I was actually in shape. I mean, I wasn’t Sarah Guerra or anything, but I could run. Yeah, I ran track, too.] I still had trouble keeping friends. I tried being friends with pretty much everyone I know in my class at some point. Needless to say, this never really worked out that well. I never really fit in anywhere because I just didn’t feel that sense of belonging that you really need to feel when you’re around your friends. I still don’t feel that because all I do when I hang out with groups now is make jokes or talk about bullshit. The important bullshit is omitted. It’s not that I think I should be in a clique, because I clearly shouldn’t. I just don’t belong in a group of friends. It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Fuck, Andy and I were looking at pictures of me as a child, and I was antisocial then, too. I can remember feeling left out or awkward when I was really young. [Stop reading now, especially since you’re thinking “this is bullshit” …because honestly, when I hear someone else say like “yeah dude, I remember being in my crib and being like ‘where the fuck is my mom?’” I automatically stop listening and start thinking about macaroni and cheese or something. Whatever. This is for me, anyway.] I always felt out of place because everyone was so much older than me and no one really paid that much attention to me. When I was a baby, sure, I’m sure people held me & whatever. I’m talking about from when I can remember up until this day, this moment, 3:33 PM on Sunday afternoon, the 16th of January, 2000 and fucking 5.
Anyway, I never looked at the camera, my attention was always somewhere else. Kind of like today.
The point of this tangent is that I was born awkward, friendless, without many social skills, pretty ugly, reserved, [some other things], and most importantly, really into anything dealing with paints or music or whatever. (And it’s probably from my childhood, yeah, because I don’t think I came out of the womb being like, shy. Actually I don’t know, I’m not sure.) [PS: This sounds like bullshit to me, because when I hear someone talk about “yeah dude, I was like, totally an artist when I was three. My mom used to tell me I’d be the next Monet” I just drown them out of my hearing. It’s just because “we,” as “humans,” hate things that are like us, generally. I hate people who are just like me. REMEMBER that, it will be important later.] I liked coloring, but I wasn’t really good with staying in the lines of the pictures (symbolic?) I loved music, and I totally loved singing and ended up joining the Select Choir or something in 3rd grade. Honors Choir, that’s what it was. I remember lyrics making me cry because they made me think about missing my mom or grandma or because they really made sense to me. I was really into Bush and Alanis Morissette by the time 4th grade came around. No, I wasn’t listening to punk or blink-182. Bush lyrics really got to me, and to this day, if the lyrics are good, I can dismiss shitty music [example: the weakerthans’ music isn’t the best, but goddamn are they one of my absolute favourite bands]. The DELIVERY of certain lines gets to me, and I can’t explain it a lot of the time. This happened to me as a kid, too. I joined band, and I went through a couple things [completely NOT pertaining to music or band or anything related] I’d rather not mention in the 5th grade, so I quit band. Whatever. As a restatement (Lisa Hunt would hate me), I have always been like this. This isn’t some change I went through as a 14-year-old-kid-whose-parents-thought-they-were-depressed. This is a lifelong thing for me. I haven’t been living long, but this is me. Take it or leave it.
As a requisite, I think it’s quite valid for me to say that it irritates the piss out of me when someone sneaks up and tries to steal my personality. I’m not saying I have copyrights on anything, because I don’t. There are millions of people just like me, who cuss like me, who just don’t give a fuck like me […] But! But, when it’s a close friend who adapts to your personality, and this happens to everyone because everyone eventually takes on traits of people they are close with, it gets really annoying to me. I’ve just always been like this. I’m not doing this because it’s trendy or makes me look like I actually give a fuck about what kind of music you listen to. I’m not doing this because I actually care what color your hair is or how late you stayed up talking to your friend about Radiohead. I’m not doing this because I want to be like you or you or you you you you or you. I hate to bring up Daria, but I’m going to, because I’m not too cool for that sort of thing. There’s an episode where Quinn tries to be dark and poetic and sort of steals Daria’s light of enigma. Daria ends up saying [and I’m paraphrasing] “It’s like, you’re given this identity. And it’s not even like you necessarily like it, but it’s yours, and it’s the only thing you’ve got. Then someone comes up and tries to take it from you; it’s like they become you, and then you’ve got nothing. Then what do you do?”
What the fuck do I do?
Tangent: People’s personas come from everything they’ve experienced. This is fact. No one is completely self-made. Just the other day, I had some idea in my head about how I’m either in love with the idea of an absolute product of society. I am an absolute product of society. Or am I? Am I some sort of unproduct? Disproduct? I don’t want to talk about this right now because it isn’t fresh in my mind and I’d rather not think about that. Am I a product because I refuse to give in to the temptation of the bullshit I see? Probably. Hopefully. Am I some sort of non-product that is not influenced by what I see? Or maybe it’s not that I’m not influenced, it’s just that I’m influenced in such a way that makes me so completely apathetic. I don’t know. Not apathetic. Apathy is so passé.
I’m always pacing around or walking away.
I leave people all the time because I can’t handle them, but this time, it’s completely different. I’m ending up leaving friends because they’re becoming everything that I hate, and that is [Yes, you guessed it] me. I’m not taking credit for much, because PEOPLE won’t want to credit me for anything, but this is me. THIS IS ME. That’s all, I’m sorry if you think that you became what you did on your own, but you didn’t, and now I’m leaving you in the gutter because that’s what we do to people.
This is what we do.
”*” and “**” are events that I was going to explain, but now I’m not. So what.
You scored as Punk/Rebel.
Punk/Rebel
100%
Ghetto gangsta
50%
Goth
25%
Loner
25%
Drama nerd
25%
Prep/Jock/Cheerleader
0%
Stoner
0%
Geek
0%
What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com
I’m 225% of a person.
I’m going to start off by saying that my English teacher told me friday that my biggest problem is organization; that I have a lot to say, but I need to wean away from stream-of-consciousness-and I’m getting a whole lot better, actually, at organization-and start trying to make my thoughts more …well, organized. With that said, I will attempt to write this without it becoming a stream-of-consciousness piece of prose or whatever. I’m not a writer, but you know what I mean. Chances are I’ll fail.
I think a lot of people are phony. By this, I mean exactly what Francis Bacon meant when he wrote “Of Seeming Wise,” some bullshit essay I had to read for a class at school. The above quote is not from the essay, but it’s pertaining to it.
I’m not sitting in this chair believing that I am higher-up than anyone who might come across this because I can identify flaws in myself. I don’t know exactly how I feel towards the people who can’t recognize this about themselves. Sorry? Unsympathetic? I’m not sure.
Another occurrence in school on friday was a sweet discussion about affirmative action, and I got to thinking: do I believe that people are equal? The answer is a frank “no,” but I can explain. Everyone has different abilities and flaws. Additionally, we all have disadvantages and opportunities-some have less than others. I used to see this as everyone being completely unequal, those with fewer opportunities are obviously not as capable, while those with less disadvantages are probably more capable and successful than the underprivileged. This is what I believed, and this is what I tried telling Andy when we were watching kittens once night. I remember him saying that just because people have different abilities does not mean that they don’t ultimately add up to be whole. Actually I don’t remember exactly what he said. I think that he omitted the social and economic factors when determining if people are equal.
Anyhow, I sided with the group that said affirmative action is “unequal treatment of equals,” and I got to thinking about it and I don’t even agree with it at all. By law and by nature, humans are humans and we are equals; equal opportunity employment and shit. But also by nature, the fittest survive [survival of the fittest? of course], and I agree with this, too. “We,” being “humans” all have differing abilities, talents, setbacks, etc. embedded in our personalities.
Tangent: Everyone is born with a core, and I think that this is unchangeable. I remember having a conversation with Kate about this once a long time ago, and she and I were saying the same thing. About the unchanging elements of personality, I mean. We do not have more than one “self.” Everyone will always have a personality that is unchanging, no matter how hard they try to change it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t wear a different shirt if you’re prone to wearing only sweaters, or brown pants instead of your usual black. Yeah, people change, but personalities don’t. People change, but people don’t change. That’s not where I see the “fake.” “Fake,” to me, is the same as it was to Francis Bacon. This does not make me cool; I had to read this essay for school-and I didn’t even like it until I read it for the 50th time-it just makes Francis Bacon fucking dead on.
Anyways, in terms of surviving in nature, “we” don’t have to worry about this anymore. We’re not Neanderthals, but I believe that over time, certain races of people might die out, especially in America, where races are competing against each other. Evolution takes time, so I don’t expect to see anyone die out. If anything, it will probably be Caucasians, because I’m pretty sure our genes are recessive? I don’t know, I never got too in-depth with genes in biology. Enough of this.
Completely annulling my so-called “theory” [should’ve written this for my -ism project? Yeah!], I’ve never met anyone that I didn’t think has one major flaw. I think I know a lot of people who have so many more than one. I have a lot more than one. I know a few people that have one gigantic imperfection, though, that almost presides over their entire personality and makes me just ditch their ass. I’m not talking about looks, here, because I think that looks are pretty much …whatever, in the eye of the beholder. And all my friends are gorgeous, anyhow. So, this leads me to this: once someone starts trying to rewrite their personality, is it time to go? I’m not talking about someone who is trying to get over alcoholism or, like, an obsession with porn. This isn’t Dr. Phil, as much as I wish it were.
Kind of tangent, but relevant. Very long, but relevant:
Personally, I was born this way. I was born like this and I can’t help it. Since when have I ever had friends? I was just talking with Jillian at lunch and after school, and I think I used to kind of dance around the fact that I never really had friends growing up. I think at one point, when I tried being friends with the cool kids, I actually thought for one moment in time that I was popular, or that more than 2 people enjoyed my company. Why did I never have friends? Yeah, I’m probably a loser, but I think it has to be something bigger than just that I don’t have a winning personality or really cool ideas or a socially-addictive lifestyle. I never chose good people to be friends with, anyhow-it was always someone who was louder than me, because all the quiet people would tell on me for doing something I shouldn’t have done. Sarah Little used to “tattle,” but she’s loud now, too. So, okay. I have some pretty good friends now, but I still don’t have that many. I’ve had one friend on and off for about 6 years now, and that’s probably the closest I’m ever going to get to having a best friend. I mean, she is my best friend, even though I used to get completely baffled by her superficiality or whatever, and I didn’t know how else to deal with it besides just not talking to her for 2 or 3 months at a time, but she’s growing up, and so am I [finally], so we can deal with each other without hating each other every 10 days.
But anyways, I was quiet and shy in grammar school. And, contrary to popular belief, I never really did work. I did what I needed to in school, and I did have trouble paying attention [who the FUCK wants to listen to Mrs. Haase? She tormented me with anything from how to hold a pencil correctly to the fact that there was no way she could lose my homework because she was the teacher.] I never tried hard in school. School was never HARD for me. I never took time to actually listen to the teachers because I already KNEW what they were TELLING me. I was secluded from the rest of kids my age from the start of my public school career. Did that fuck me up? I mean, probably not, but then I went on to be surrounded by like 8 kids my own age and 15 kids a year older than me who really shouldn’t have been in a split class*. I just plain…had trouble getting along with people. I either couldn’t understand how people were so dumb, or they couldn’t understand me, or I was always doing something wrong, or I just wasn’t good enough to be friends with whoever.
Once I got into junior high, I was still largely unchallenged by the curriculum, but I still turned in my work. I didn’t spend any more than probably 20 minutes after school doing homework, and any time after that was spent playing some bullshit sport to pass the time [basketball? Yeah, I played basketball. I wasn’t terrible at sports when I was actually in shape. I mean, I wasn’t Sarah Guerra or anything, but I could run. Yeah, I ran track, too.] I still had trouble keeping friends. I tried being friends with pretty much everyone I know in my class at some point. Needless to say, this never really worked out that well. I never really fit in anywhere because I just didn’t feel that sense of belonging that you really need to feel when you’re around your friends. I still don’t feel that because all I do when I hang out with groups now is make jokes or talk about bullshit. The important bullshit is omitted. It’s not that I think I should be in a clique, because I clearly shouldn’t. I just don’t belong in a group of friends. It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Fuck, Andy and I were looking at pictures of me as a child, and I was antisocial then, too. I can remember feeling left out or awkward when I was really young. [Stop reading now, especially since you’re thinking “this is bullshit” …because honestly, when I hear someone else say like “yeah dude, I remember being in my crib and being like ‘where the fuck is my mom?’” I automatically stop listening and start thinking about macaroni and cheese or something. Whatever. This is for me, anyway.] I always felt out of place because everyone was so much older than me and no one really paid that much attention to me. When I was a baby, sure, I’m sure people held me & whatever. I’m talking about from when I can remember up until this day, this moment, 3:33 PM on Sunday afternoon, the 16th of January, 2000 and fucking 5.
Anyway, I never looked at the camera, my attention was always somewhere else. Kind of like today.
The point of this tangent is that I was born awkward, friendless, without many social skills, pretty ugly, reserved, [some other things], and most importantly, really into anything dealing with paints or music or whatever. (And it’s probably from my childhood, yeah, because I don’t think I came out of the womb being like, shy. Actually I don’t know, I’m not sure.) [PS: This sounds like bullshit to me, because when I hear someone talk about “yeah dude, I was like, totally an artist when I was three. My mom used to tell me I’d be the next Monet” I just drown them out of my hearing. It’s just because “we,” as “humans,” hate things that are like us, generally. I hate people who are just like me. REMEMBER that, it will be important later.] I liked coloring, but I wasn’t really good with staying in the lines of the pictures (symbolic?) I loved music, and I totally loved singing and ended up joining the Select Choir or something in 3rd grade. Honors Choir, that’s what it was. I remember lyrics making me cry because they made me think about missing my mom or grandma or because they really made sense to me. I was really into Bush and Alanis Morissette by the time 4th grade came around. No, I wasn’t listening to punk or blink-182. Bush lyrics really got to me, and to this day, if the lyrics are good, I can dismiss shitty music [example: the weakerthans’ music isn’t the best, but goddamn are they one of my absolute favourite bands]. The DELIVERY of certain lines gets to me, and I can’t explain it a lot of the time. This happened to me as a kid, too. I joined band, and I went through a couple things [completely NOT pertaining to music or band or anything related] I’d rather not mention in the 5th grade, so I quit band. Whatever. As a restatement (Lisa Hunt would hate me), I have always been like this. This isn’t some change I went through as a 14-year-old-kid-whose-parents-thought-they-were-depressed. This is a lifelong thing for me. I haven’t been living long, but this is me. Take it or leave it.
As a requisite, I think it’s quite valid for me to say that it irritates the piss out of me when someone sneaks up and tries to steal my personality. I’m not saying I have copyrights on anything, because I don’t. There are millions of people just like me, who cuss like me, who just don’t give a fuck like me […] But! But, when it’s a close friend who adapts to your personality, and this happens to everyone because everyone eventually takes on traits of people they are close with, it gets really annoying to me. I’ve just always been like this. I’m not doing this because it’s trendy or makes me look like I actually give a fuck about what kind of music you listen to. I’m not doing this because I actually care what color your hair is or how late you stayed up talking to your friend about Radiohead. I’m not doing this because I want to be like you or you or you you you you or you. I hate to bring up Daria, but I’m going to, because I’m not too cool for that sort of thing. There’s an episode where Quinn tries to be dark and poetic and sort of steals Daria’s light of enigma. Daria ends up saying [and I’m paraphrasing] “It’s like, you’re given this identity. And it’s not even like you necessarily like it, but it’s yours, and it’s the only thing you’ve got. Then someone comes up and tries to take it from you; it’s like they become you, and then you’ve got nothing. Then what do you do?”
What the fuck do I do?
Tangent: People’s personas come from everything they’ve experienced. This is fact. No one is completely self-made. Just the other day, I had some idea in my head about how I’m either in love with the idea of an absolute product of society. I am an absolute product of society. Or am I? Am I some sort of unproduct? Disproduct? I don’t want to talk about this right now because it isn’t fresh in my mind and I’d rather not think about that. Am I a product because I refuse to give in to the temptation of the bullshit I see? Probably. Hopefully. Am I some sort of non-product that is not influenced by what I see? Or maybe it’s not that I’m not influenced, it’s just that I’m influenced in such a way that makes me so completely apathetic. I don’t know. Not apathetic. Apathy is so passé.
I’m always pacing around or walking away.
I leave people all the time because I can’t handle them, but this time, it’s completely different. I’m ending up leaving friends because they’re becoming everything that I hate, and that is [Yes, you guessed it] me. I’m not taking credit for much, because PEOPLE won’t want to credit me for anything, but this is me. THIS IS ME. That’s all, I’m sorry if you think that you became what you did on your own, but you didn’t, and now I’m leaving you in the gutter because that’s what we do to people.
This is what we do.
”*” and “**” are events that I was going to explain, but now I’m not. So what.
You scored as Punk/Rebel.
Punk/Rebel
100%
Ghetto gangsta
50%
Goth
25%
Loner
25%
Drama nerd
25%
Prep/Jock/Cheerleader
0%
Stoner
0%
Geek
0%
What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com
I’m 225% of a person.