We used to wait. (Chapter 6/?)
title: We used to wait. (Chapter 6/?)
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 4,755
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
Lee laid in a rack a few hours after seeing Kara. It wasn’t the rack that used to be his, but it didn’t make a difference to him anymore. In the past, there had been a calming effect to returning to the same bed every night, whether it had been on Galactica or Pegasus. It was the only privacy and sense of home that they got anymore, and since Lee had come aboard the Galactica for the decommissioning with very few belongings, his rack was that much more important to him. It was quite literally, almost all that he had.
Now those few belongings he’d brought with him to Galactica and the items that he’d won over a few games of triad were boxed up somewhere on that very ship, hidden away in storage. What hurt more than missing a few of the physical luxuries like the razor he had loved or civilian clothing that he had once bought for their style and proper fit, was the fact that he didn’t even have any photos of his own. Like that razor and those t-shirts and Gods, that leather Vipers jacket he had worn proudly for years after receiving it, all the photographic proof that he had people he loved died with the everyone on the Atlantia.
His bunk had remained empty and sparse, unlike the racks belonging to true members of Galactica’s crew. Their walls were plastered with photos of friends and family back home, sports teams, and even a couple clippings of women or men, just barely covered up in the explicit regions. For awhile he considered it a blessing that he didn’t have the photos, because he didn’t think he would be able to sleep staring up at pictures of the dead. But after a month of fleeing from the cylons, Lee had spent some time in his father’s quarters, picking out a handful of the pictures from his father’s photo albums and frames to take to be copied. Those copies, pictures of his mother and father and other extended family members, and especially pictures of he and the brother he lost years before, had been eventually hung up on the walls of whatever rack he occupied at any given time.
Maybe it hurt to remember the dead, but worse than that pain would be to forget them entirely. So Lee had grown thankful for what he did have. Lying in that bunk, only a day post-New Caprica, he was suddenly glad he hadn’t taken his things down with him to the planet when he settled there temporarily. He couldn’t have handled having to start over yet again.
The bare rack had a stale smell to it and he knew it must have remained unoccupied all these months. There wasn’t even a lingering scent of a person, nor the smell of detergent that indicated freshly washed fabric. Someone had made this bed up over a year ago, most likely before vacating the space to move down to New Caprica, hoping to start a better life there. He idly wondered if that person was even still alive.
A few hours of sleep managed to overtake him and when he woke, he felt refreshed, but also surprised to have been awoken by the sound of a slamming hatch door and not some kind of nightmare that had plagued him recently. Weeks, had it been weeks? Or was it months? Truth be told, his concept of time had been completely blown after the occupation. Things down there just seemed to blend together from one hellish day into one not-so-quite hellish next day. Even now, here on Galactica, he felt the tension they all had on the surface. It was purgatory, of that they were all sure. It was a grey planet, nearly colorless, and set a convincing backdrop for their circumstances. A dull world where they were all waiting to die.
His hand rubbed over his face, forcing himself to take and release deep breaths at a steady rate to keep himself calm. He had told himself repeatedly throughout the cylon occupation that his father and Kara would return and once they did, everything would be better. Lee was here now, and while being out in space was definitely an improvement from the previous arrangements, he couldn’t definitively say if he was feeling a whole lot better.
From outside the curtain, he could hear the shuffle of footsteps and a soft voice cut through the inner workings of his own mind.
“Lee?” The voice stopped, taking a few more steps inward of the room. “Lee? You in here?” She sounded defeated and Lee couldn’t make up his mind on staying quiet or piping up. “Frak.”
Lee’s hand rose, tugging back the curtain just a few inches to spot Dualla leaning against the table in the center of the room, chewing over her bottom lip in deep thought.
“I’m over here.”
Dee turned at the sound of him, her face that had been fraught suddenly overwhelmed by the smile on her lips. She came near the rack, pushing aside the curtain some more, until there was enough space available to sit on the edge of his bed.
“Gods, Lee. I wanted to come sooner but your father put me on a CIC shift this morning. I think he wanted to make sure you got enough rest.” She sounded hopeful, her eyes lighting up as she spoke to him.
He gave a forced laugh, remaining lying down as he looked up to her. “Yeah, that sounds like him.” He had missed her down on the planet, even before the cylons returned. She had been steady and reassuring when he needed her most, and for that Lee would always be thankful to her for. She was his safety, in more ways than one. “Come here, Ana.”
His body scooted over in the space of the bed, pushing himself towards the bulkhead to make room for her. She slid in comfortably, curling her body into his as she lay on her side, her head tucked into his shoulder. This was familiar, the way it had always been between them after she had taken the steps to secure a place in his life. Her emotions took over and she found herself sniffling against his worn shirt, the dirt from New Caprica still woven into the fabric.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t ever come back. I should’ve been down there with you. I kept thinking about how you asked me to come see you that day, but I had to cover Colonel Tigh’s shift.” Dee spoke just above a whisper, fingers playing at the fabric of his shirt’s pocket. “I should’ve been there.”
He was stiff as he held her, torn between feeling comfort with her there and just how very foreign it felt to be lying beside someone else again. “I’m glad you weren’t there. I knew you’d be safe here, no matter what happened. I couldn’t have dealt with worrying about you, about how my actions would have had consequences for you.”
Lee had seen it happen a million times. One person would be guilty of a crime and instead of the cylons taking the punishment out on them, they’d threaten that person’s family in retaliation. Lee worried enough about Roslin and all the people he grew to call his friends, worrying about the soul of his girlfriend would have just about killed him in the end. The way Duck had looked when he lost Nora, Lee knew he would never forget the complete and utter grief written across his face. If that had been Dee, he wouldn’t have faired any better. And as many times as he had wanted to look over to see Kara beside him on that shit planet, he eventually reached a point where he was happier not to see her. If something had happened to her, especially through fault of his own, Gods, he truly didn’t think he would’ve been able to stop himself from eating his own bullet.
Kara was pushed from his mind, however, as he listened to Dee’s soft crying. It was full of sadness, but also relief. Lee leaned in and kissed her head for only a moment, unable to find the words to comfort her.
-
Holed up in his quarters, the Admiral heard a knock at the hatch door left ajar. It could have been any number of people, especially considering the up in the air nature the battlestar currently held. He pushed aside some paperwork, a list already compiled of the crew of both Pegasus and Galactica that had mustered out and were once again looking to join up. It pleased him immensely to see all the names on it, not only because it meant that they were returning home to him and his battlestar, but also because it meant that they were alive. There were a few noticeable names missing, however, and what he needed now more than anything was a distraction from that thought. “Come in,” he spoke aloud, hoping his voice carried out to his visitor and the marines standing guard.
With a creek of the door on its hinges, Laura Roslin stepped into the main compartment of his cabin, struggling to close the door behind her. Adama was quick to vacate his desk to join her at her side, his firmer and stronger hands assisting her in tugging the door closed.
“I’m not that fragile, Bill.” Her eyebrow rose at her words, a hint of a smile on her face as she eyed him down just over the top of her glasses.
He laughed with a shake of his head, leading the way forward and away from the hatch. “Trust me, I wouldn’t make that mistake.” Her smile was returned on his face. He’d never say it to her, but he still thought of her sometimes as she embraced death that year before. She really had been that fragile then, clinging onto life with every breath. With all they’d lost, and especially the past few months, the last thing he wanted was for her to over exert herself in his presence. If she ended up with so much as a pulled wrist, he would never forgive himself.
“Here, have a seat. Water?” Bill lifted a blanket from his couch, clearing some space as she sat down.
Laura pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she looked up to him. “After the year we’ve had, Bill, I want the good stuff.”
Adama nodded and turned to pour them both a glass of ambrosia. She hadn’t said much so far, but he had been so reminded of the day and night they’d shared back on New Caprica when everyone still had high hopes for settling down and rebuilding their lives. She was still fairly fresh off losing the election, but even that day she seemed to at least partially believe in the idealism that had spread amongst the entire fleet.
He offered her the glass and she accepted. Adama joined her on the other cushion of the couch, sipping his own drink only after they had clinked their glasses together.
“To being home,” Laura spoke between sips, her cheeks and throat warming at the burn of the alcohol.
Quiet settled between them and in other circumstances or other company it may have felt awkward, but to the both of them it just felt… right. Bill watched her from his seat, happy for the companionship. He’d been surrounded by loyal crew for the past three months, but none of it had really compared to the company of his XO and the former President. They had been something of equals to him. Kara had been the next closest thing he’d had in their absence, but despite their close rank and how much he respected and trusted her, she was still too much of a daughter figure to fill the specific emptiness he felt.
Roslin set the glass down on a nearby table and put her focus on the room’s only other occupant, a single arm crossing across her chest while the other rested its elbow upon it, her fist coming to rest against her chin.
“We need to talk about what the plan is for our people now, Bill.”
He took another drink and rested the glass on his thigh, still holding it secure and balanced. “Well, it’s only been a few days, but we’re still waiting for names and totals from each ship in the fleet. I’ve got some crew out doing inventory as we speak, so we can figure out who needs what and how much we’ve got to give. Starbuck had the foresight or I guess, some amount of morbid fear, to go behind my back the days leading up to the mission. She offloaded almost everything that wasn’t bolted down on Pegasus onto a few empty freighters. It was her plan, but I get the feeling now she really didn’t think she was coming back.”
Laura listened to him, sensing his sadness in the thought of losing Kara. He almost had, too. By now, word of what happened to the Pegasus had spread throughout the fleet, and it hadn’t escaped Laura. It had been close out there, clearly closer than Bill entertained before going through with the rescue mission.
“Of course, the well beings of the civilians are our first priority,” she said, although Laura didn’t sound convincing, even to herself. “But I meant more in the longterm. When we found that planet, we were looking for Earth. If I had my way, we would have stayed long enough to restock up on supplies and moved on, continued our search.” While she might have been bitter about her loss to Gaius Baltar a year ago, now her words were just heavily tinged in sadness over what that election had cost her, aside from the presidency. It had cost thousands of lives. Even Bill had thought many times over his part in exposing the vote rigging all that time ago. What would their lives have been like if Roslin had remained in office?
“Earth.” One word said a million things as he gave an abrupt sigh and finished off his drink. “We barely knew where we were headed before when it was all fresh in our heads, Madame President. Now we’re down a couple ships including half of what we had protecting our fleet. Our people are sick and injured, a third of them are probably malnourished.”
Laura was quick to cut him off as she said, “all the more reason to give them something to hope for again.”
“…Which was where I was headed. Earth is all we have anymore. They’re not going to be happy with finding another habitable planet ever again. If we find a planet as beautiful as Caprica tomorrow, I don’t think a single person would move to settle down there. The only option we have is finding the 13th Tribe and hoping they welcome us with open arms.”
She watched him and his heavy lidded eyes. There was a certain amount of defeat to him, something he usually kept under control around most people. But to him, she wasn’t most people anymore. Likewise, Laura knew he wasn’t most people to her anymore either.
The ringing of a knock on the hatch interrupted them and she heard Bill grumble to himself before calling out for the intruder to come in.
Kara appeared from the doorway, sealing it behind her. She didn’t seem surprised by Laura’s presence as she saluted the Admiral and Adama let his eyes shift between the two females in his quarters. “I get the feeling one of you planned this.”
Laura was the first to speakfrom her seat on the couch beside him. “Yes, Bill, I asked the Commander to meet me here before I came to see you.”
“Just Major now, actually,” Kara spoke up as she remained standing, just slightly off to the side, immediately feeling like she was interrupting something personal between the older couple before her.
“Oh?”
Adama gave a shrug of his shoulders, far more interested in the scheme that had been cooked up between the two women than discussing the nature of rank and military hierarchy.
“I’m relieved, to be honest. Now I can go back to mouthing off to Tigh and getting threatened with a night in the brig for it.” Kara played diplomat, trying to lighten the situation by even a single degree.
Laura gave something of a forced smile and turned her attention back to the Admiral. “I asked Major Thrace here because, as you remember, she was with us on Kobol when we saw the constellations surrounding Earth. With your blessing, Bill, I’d like to ask her to work with Mr. Gaeta in putting us back on the right path.” She paused, gauging his reaction before continuing on. Nearby, Kara fidgeted, her hands clasped behind her back.
“Sir, I’ve spoken to Gaeta and he said Baltar had been working on identifying the next clue in where to go. He thinks he’ll be able to recreate the work that he helped with. Between the Scroll of Pythia and what Baltar thought he found, it’s a place to start.” Kara was solemn. Bill had almost forgotten how serious Kara took the Gods and her religion. It never would have been a trait he expected from someone like her, who lived her life without a care or concern for almost anything else.
His gaze was far off from both Laura and Kara, staring right through the bulkhead across the room. “Then we’ll follow the signs until we find Earth or they run out.”
-
Days later, after waking hours split between CIC shifts and returning to acting CAG and nights spent barely sleeping in that familiar senior pilots’ bunk room, Kara chose to take out her aggression in the gym. It was the middle of the night, and though night and day really had no meaning out in the middle of space, the room had been deserted as most of the crew chose to catch a few hours of sleep on some normal kind of cycle. Whether the gym was busy during the day or not was for all intents and purposes, a crapshoot. At times it was bustling with those who had re-upped, attempting to rebuild lost muscle mass to be at their best once again. And then at other times, it could be an absolute ghost town as some people were on shift and others chose to take their re-enlistment at a slower pace. She didn’t blame them for not making physical fitness their first priority. It was only her restless nature and temper that brought her there most of the time.
A sweat had built up across her chest and back, beginning to soak into the fabric of her sports bra. She had missed this place the most during her time on Pegasus. Specifically, she missed that particular punching bag with its familiar frayed edges and shoddy duct tape repair jobs. It had been on the receiving end of most of her bad moods over the years and it had even helped her travel back in time to when the biggest problem the crew faced was a particularly disgusting dinner in the mess hall. It was all a lifetime away now. She knew that much and tried not to dwell, instead refocusing her energy and attention on each hit landed.
The thump-thump of her series of punches lulled her into a bit of a comforting state. She wasn’t sure how long she had lost track of time, but she had, and coming back to her senses, Kara knew she wasn’t alone in the room any longer. The gloves covering her hands stilled the weighted bag in front of her before she turned to face the other occupant.
It was Lee, the man that had evaded her for days now, though she knew she was doing her own attempts at avoiding him as well. For awhile, she had been sure he’d returned to Colonial One, but there had been casual talk around the rec room and mess hall that had told her otherwise. From the look alone that she’d seen Dee wearing the past few days, she knew Lee couldn’t have jumped ship to find home elsewhere.
Kara began to tug at her gloves, finding it much harder without a partner to ease the process. She’d been alone when she’d struggled to put them on though, so this was the easier of the two actions. Her teeth tugged at the cord around her wrist, loosening it just enough to make an honest attempt at removal. She was about to force the glove between her knees to pull it off when Lee stepped up, offering his hands to help. Her look was one of gratefulness, and she may have even mumbled a quiet thanks once her hands were free.
Sweaty palms were rubbed on the fabric of her shorts and she increased the distance between them to stuff the gloves in the bag she had brought along.
“Something I can help you with, Apollo?” They were back to call signs as far as she was concerned. She wasn’t sure what she expected to happen when they rescued Lee because she never imagined that far ahead. Three months of quiet grief and all she ever hoped for was that he would be safe and intact.
His hands sat on the hips of fatigue pants and Kara noted that they were clean and without holes. His face was shaved as well. Lee had pulled his things out of storage, that much was at least true.
“Actually, there is,” he spoke as though he wasn’t pleased to be asking her, of all people, for assistance in a situation.
She was surprised but didn’t let it show. Kara feigned disinterest as she zipped her bag while speaking. “Well spit it out, some of us have work in the morning.”
“I was going over manifests with my father earlier and I noticed a few people were just… disappearing. One day, they’d be on a ship somewhere and the next they’d be gone. Without a trace.”
“I fail to see what you want me to do about it. Everything’s a frakking mess these days, we can’t keep track of everyone. You know that.” From across the room she watched him, pulling her hair out of the elastic that had kept it bound temporarily. Her fingers dragged through the lengths of it, gathering it at the back of her neck. She split it into three relatively equal groups and began the process of braiding the strands of it together.
“You don’t get it, Starbuck.” Lee watched her, unconsciously pushing his fingers through his own hair, now outgrown. This was the longest it had been since he was a teenager. “I’ve heard talk, Zarek slipped in something just before letting Roslin take over the presidency again. He’s got people rounding up anyone they think was a traitor on New Caprica, convicting them without a trial and tossing them out airlocks. I know they’re on Galactica and it usually happens in the middle of the night when there’s less people around.”
Kara’s eyebrows pushed as close together as they could get while she digested what he was saying. Had anyone else come to her about it, she would have vehemently insisted it wasn’t true and not given a second thought to it. Something like that couldn’t have been happening under their noses. Then again… Lee had mentioned Zarek and she, more than anyone, knew he couldn’t be trusted. He would be the type to start something like this and let others do the heavy lifting for him.
She tried to imagine how it must feel to be one of the people recently returned from New Caprica, filled with anger and rage that your fellow human beings had turned against you to save themselves. It was hard for her to admit, even to herself, but Kara knew that had she been down on that planet for the occupation, she most likely would’ve been one of the people chosen for such a task. She could understand the anger and the accountability some people demanded, but getting it this way? She couldn’t stand by it. The Old Man wouldn’t have stood for it and staring Lee down, she knew she couldn’t deny him whatever he asked for in regards to her help.
The elastic was tied around the end of her braid and she took a deep breath. “So what do you need me for?”
“I’m not exactly officially a member of the fleet anymore. I need you to come with me to break it up, just in case. I need you to have my back.”
Kara thought back to a time when she had asked him for the same thing. It had been under vastly different circumstances, one that would have probably lead to their imminent deaths had they actually gone through with Cain’s assassination. It didn’t matter that Adama had called it off or that Lee hadn’t actually been able to show up to watch her back because he was floating in space with a hole in his suit. What had mattered was that when asked, Lee had looked at her and said yes. No matter what, Lee would always have her back.
She met his blue eyes with her own. “I need to change and pick up my gun.”
-
The confrontation hadn’t gone as badly as expected, and for that they were both thankful. It hurt most to see some of the faces that had been part of the so-called Circle. Jean. Seelix. Galen. Cally. Duck. Charlie. These weren’t cylons they were condemning to death, however temporary it was for a cylon. These were people, some of the last in existence. Kara stopped trying to understand their specific brand of anger, though. She hadn’t been on that planet for months. What they all went through together, she wouldn’t ever specifically understand.
It didn’t matter in the end, as Roslin had called an end to it and decreed her fleet wide pardon for any and all actions taken place on New Caprica. It wouldn’t stop the hatred between people, but it would stop the worst of it. The people needed to move on, and that was the first step.
It was another late night, one much identical to the one a few days prior when Lee had interrupted her solo sparring session to drag her down to the hangar deck. They’d only arrived just in time to stop Felix Gaeta from being locked up in the launch tube and sailed out into space to meet an early end. His possible death had hit her extra hard, as Kara knew without Gaeta, whatever hope she and Roslin had of returning on the path to Earth would have met a premature death as well.
Her forehead rested against the worn outside of the punching bag, letting some of the heat from her dissipate into the cool surface. “I know you’re there, Apollo. You stomp too frakking loud,” Kara spoke as she stayed still, regaining her breath.
“I do not.” He sounded like a petulant child, arguing for the sake of it.
Her eyes opened and she stepped away from the bag, brushing her hair crudely from her face with the back of her arm. She held her hands out to Lee when she approached him. Lee understood the meaning and he quickly undid the laces holding the gloves on her hands. Kara nodded in thanks and took a seat on the nearby bench, the same one from the other night.
“So, when are you going to end the stalemate and tell your father you’re coming back to the fleet?”
Lee had a sense of deja vu as he watched her pack away her gloves, her fingers then becoming occupied with braiding at the long mess of hair she had these days. “Why do you think I’d come back?”
“Because you never wanted to really leave in the first place.” The look on her face challenged him to answer differently.
Lee wisely chose not to rise to that challenge. “You know the reasons why I left.” His voice was suddenly less sure of himself, soft in delivery of the single sentence. He stepped away from her, running his fingers through his hair in a display of unease. His voice was more confident when he spoke again, distancing himself from the unpleasant reality of Lee and Kara. “I did some good while I was there. It made me realize again that I never wanted the military to be my whole life. But when the worlds ended… it was just all that I had and what was needed of me.”
He was pacing as he spoke, the constant motion of his body making it easier to talk to her. “I just needed some space.” Lee looked up to her and their eyes met. “You know I wasn’t in the right place after what happened with the Blackbird and everything that followed it.”
He needn’t mention the incident in which he was shot for Kara to already be thinking about it. She felt a vice grip around her chest at just the very thought. There were a lot of things Lee hadn’t told her about regarding those weeks and months prior to her rescue mission to Caprica for Anders. She knew she hadn’t really asked him about any of it either. For that, she’d always feel sorry.
“I’m glad he chose you to be Commander, Kara. I wasn’t ever mad about that. I couldn’t have done it. You were the right person for the job.” Lee knew that she had worried about feeling like she’d betrayed him by accepting the position. She hadn’t ever said it out loud, but those weeks after she was at the helm of Pegasus told him enough.
She thought she let that fear of his anger over her position go months ago. It wasn’t until he’d told her right then that she actually felt a weight lift from her. It was small, but when carrying as much baggage as she was, it was enough.
“I had purpose down there that didn’t involve me sitting in a Viper. I helped set up the civilian government, I helped make sure people were heard down there. I put order back despite the disorder. I was finally worth something other than my wings for once in my life.”
Lee spoke with such conviction that she had to look away. It had been forever since she’d heard him speak with that much passion about anything. Actually, she could remember him very distinctly speaking so assuredly in one other recent moment, when the two of them were standing undressed under the New Caprican sky, confessing their love for one another. That night, he had sounded much the same. He had been sure.
“So what, are you going to move onto Colonial One and start a new life? You know you always accused me of running-” She spoke fast, hoping to avoid letting him hear the shake of her voice as she tried to come to terms with impending abandonment.
His shoulders slumped exaggeratedly and he hit the palm of his hand into the punching bag. Lee’s raised tone of voice cut her off. “Gods damn it Kara, let me finish.” When her attention was held and secured, he continued on. “What I was saying is that I had purpose down there, but we’re not on New Caprica anymore. We’re here and I know that I’m supposed to be back in the fleet. I know that more than the people need me sitting behind some desk, they need Starbuck and Apollo protecting them. I know that I need to be that again. Right now, that’s what I need.”
Kara could swear this was more talking Lee had done than in the entire time she knew him. She shook her head mostly to herself, smile pushing up at the corners of her mouth. Her tongue barely peeked out, running along the top row. It was a very particular Kara look, Lee thought.
“I’ll come back, but you have to do something for me, Kara.”
Her head cocked just slightly to the side as she looked to him. “Are you going to tell me what it is or do I have blindly agree to it?”
“I need to know what happened between you and the cylon that goes by the name of Leoben Conoy.”
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 4,755
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
Lee laid in a rack a few hours after seeing Kara. It wasn’t the rack that used to be his, but it didn’t make a difference to him anymore. In the past, there had been a calming effect to returning to the same bed every night, whether it had been on Galactica or Pegasus. It was the only privacy and sense of home that they got anymore, and since Lee had come aboard the Galactica for the decommissioning with very few belongings, his rack was that much more important to him. It was quite literally, almost all that he had.
Now those few belongings he’d brought with him to Galactica and the items that he’d won over a few games of triad were boxed up somewhere on that very ship, hidden away in storage. What hurt more than missing a few of the physical luxuries like the razor he had loved or civilian clothing that he had once bought for their style and proper fit, was the fact that he didn’t even have any photos of his own. Like that razor and those t-shirts and Gods, that leather Vipers jacket he had worn proudly for years after receiving it, all the photographic proof that he had people he loved died with the everyone on the Atlantia.
His bunk had remained empty and sparse, unlike the racks belonging to true members of Galactica’s crew. Their walls were plastered with photos of friends and family back home, sports teams, and even a couple clippings of women or men, just barely covered up in the explicit regions. For awhile he considered it a blessing that he didn’t have the photos, because he didn’t think he would be able to sleep staring up at pictures of the dead. But after a month of fleeing from the cylons, Lee had spent some time in his father’s quarters, picking out a handful of the pictures from his father’s photo albums and frames to take to be copied. Those copies, pictures of his mother and father and other extended family members, and especially pictures of he and the brother he lost years before, had been eventually hung up on the walls of whatever rack he occupied at any given time.
Maybe it hurt to remember the dead, but worse than that pain would be to forget them entirely. So Lee had grown thankful for what he did have. Lying in that bunk, only a day post-New Caprica, he was suddenly glad he hadn’t taken his things down with him to the planet when he settled there temporarily. He couldn’t have handled having to start over yet again.
The bare rack had a stale smell to it and he knew it must have remained unoccupied all these months. There wasn’t even a lingering scent of a person, nor the smell of detergent that indicated freshly washed fabric. Someone had made this bed up over a year ago, most likely before vacating the space to move down to New Caprica, hoping to start a better life there. He idly wondered if that person was even still alive.
A few hours of sleep managed to overtake him and when he woke, he felt refreshed, but also surprised to have been awoken by the sound of a slamming hatch door and not some kind of nightmare that had plagued him recently. Weeks, had it been weeks? Or was it months? Truth be told, his concept of time had been completely blown after the occupation. Things down there just seemed to blend together from one hellish day into one not-so-quite hellish next day. Even now, here on Galactica, he felt the tension they all had on the surface. It was purgatory, of that they were all sure. It was a grey planet, nearly colorless, and set a convincing backdrop for their circumstances. A dull world where they were all waiting to die.
His hand rubbed over his face, forcing himself to take and release deep breaths at a steady rate to keep himself calm. He had told himself repeatedly throughout the cylon occupation that his father and Kara would return and once they did, everything would be better. Lee was here now, and while being out in space was definitely an improvement from the previous arrangements, he couldn’t definitively say if he was feeling a whole lot better.
From outside the curtain, he could hear the shuffle of footsteps and a soft voice cut through the inner workings of his own mind.
“Lee?” The voice stopped, taking a few more steps inward of the room. “Lee? You in here?” She sounded defeated and Lee couldn’t make up his mind on staying quiet or piping up. “Frak.”
Lee’s hand rose, tugging back the curtain just a few inches to spot Dualla leaning against the table in the center of the room, chewing over her bottom lip in deep thought.
“I’m over here.”
Dee turned at the sound of him, her face that had been fraught suddenly overwhelmed by the smile on her lips. She came near the rack, pushing aside the curtain some more, until there was enough space available to sit on the edge of his bed.
“Gods, Lee. I wanted to come sooner but your father put me on a CIC shift this morning. I think he wanted to make sure you got enough rest.” She sounded hopeful, her eyes lighting up as she spoke to him.
He gave a forced laugh, remaining lying down as he looked up to her. “Yeah, that sounds like him.” He had missed her down on the planet, even before the cylons returned. She had been steady and reassuring when he needed her most, and for that Lee would always be thankful to her for. She was his safety, in more ways than one. “Come here, Ana.”
His body scooted over in the space of the bed, pushing himself towards the bulkhead to make room for her. She slid in comfortably, curling her body into his as she lay on her side, her head tucked into his shoulder. This was familiar, the way it had always been between them after she had taken the steps to secure a place in his life. Her emotions took over and she found herself sniffling against his worn shirt, the dirt from New Caprica still woven into the fabric.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t ever come back. I should’ve been down there with you. I kept thinking about how you asked me to come see you that day, but I had to cover Colonel Tigh’s shift.” Dee spoke just above a whisper, fingers playing at the fabric of his shirt’s pocket. “I should’ve been there.”
He was stiff as he held her, torn between feeling comfort with her there and just how very foreign it felt to be lying beside someone else again. “I’m glad you weren’t there. I knew you’d be safe here, no matter what happened. I couldn’t have dealt with worrying about you, about how my actions would have had consequences for you.”
Lee had seen it happen a million times. One person would be guilty of a crime and instead of the cylons taking the punishment out on them, they’d threaten that person’s family in retaliation. Lee worried enough about Roslin and all the people he grew to call his friends, worrying about the soul of his girlfriend would have just about killed him in the end. The way Duck had looked when he lost Nora, Lee knew he would never forget the complete and utter grief written across his face. If that had been Dee, he wouldn’t have faired any better. And as many times as he had wanted to look over to see Kara beside him on that shit planet, he eventually reached a point where he was happier not to see her. If something had happened to her, especially through fault of his own, Gods, he truly didn’t think he would’ve been able to stop himself from eating his own bullet.
Kara was pushed from his mind, however, as he listened to Dee’s soft crying. It was full of sadness, but also relief. Lee leaned in and kissed her head for only a moment, unable to find the words to comfort her.
-
Holed up in his quarters, the Admiral heard a knock at the hatch door left ajar. It could have been any number of people, especially considering the up in the air nature the battlestar currently held. He pushed aside some paperwork, a list already compiled of the crew of both Pegasus and Galactica that had mustered out and were once again looking to join up. It pleased him immensely to see all the names on it, not only because it meant that they were returning home to him and his battlestar, but also because it meant that they were alive. There were a few noticeable names missing, however, and what he needed now more than anything was a distraction from that thought. “Come in,” he spoke aloud, hoping his voice carried out to his visitor and the marines standing guard.
With a creek of the door on its hinges, Laura Roslin stepped into the main compartment of his cabin, struggling to close the door behind her. Adama was quick to vacate his desk to join her at her side, his firmer and stronger hands assisting her in tugging the door closed.
“I’m not that fragile, Bill.” Her eyebrow rose at her words, a hint of a smile on her face as she eyed him down just over the top of her glasses.
He laughed with a shake of his head, leading the way forward and away from the hatch. “Trust me, I wouldn’t make that mistake.” Her smile was returned on his face. He’d never say it to her, but he still thought of her sometimes as she embraced death that year before. She really had been that fragile then, clinging onto life with every breath. With all they’d lost, and especially the past few months, the last thing he wanted was for her to over exert herself in his presence. If she ended up with so much as a pulled wrist, he would never forgive himself.
“Here, have a seat. Water?” Bill lifted a blanket from his couch, clearing some space as she sat down.
Laura pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she looked up to him. “After the year we’ve had, Bill, I want the good stuff.”
Adama nodded and turned to pour them both a glass of ambrosia. She hadn’t said much so far, but he had been so reminded of the day and night they’d shared back on New Caprica when everyone still had high hopes for settling down and rebuilding their lives. She was still fairly fresh off losing the election, but even that day she seemed to at least partially believe in the idealism that had spread amongst the entire fleet.
He offered her the glass and she accepted. Adama joined her on the other cushion of the couch, sipping his own drink only after they had clinked their glasses together.
“To being home,” Laura spoke between sips, her cheeks and throat warming at the burn of the alcohol.
Quiet settled between them and in other circumstances or other company it may have felt awkward, but to the both of them it just felt… right. Bill watched her from his seat, happy for the companionship. He’d been surrounded by loyal crew for the past three months, but none of it had really compared to the company of his XO and the former President. They had been something of equals to him. Kara had been the next closest thing he’d had in their absence, but despite their close rank and how much he respected and trusted her, she was still too much of a daughter figure to fill the specific emptiness he felt.
Roslin set the glass down on a nearby table and put her focus on the room’s only other occupant, a single arm crossing across her chest while the other rested its elbow upon it, her fist coming to rest against her chin.
“We need to talk about what the plan is for our people now, Bill.”
He took another drink and rested the glass on his thigh, still holding it secure and balanced. “Well, it’s only been a few days, but we’re still waiting for names and totals from each ship in the fleet. I’ve got some crew out doing inventory as we speak, so we can figure out who needs what and how much we’ve got to give. Starbuck had the foresight or I guess, some amount of morbid fear, to go behind my back the days leading up to the mission. She offloaded almost everything that wasn’t bolted down on Pegasus onto a few empty freighters. It was her plan, but I get the feeling now she really didn’t think she was coming back.”
Laura listened to him, sensing his sadness in the thought of losing Kara. He almost had, too. By now, word of what happened to the Pegasus had spread throughout the fleet, and it hadn’t escaped Laura. It had been close out there, clearly closer than Bill entertained before going through with the rescue mission.
“Of course, the well beings of the civilians are our first priority,” she said, although Laura didn’t sound convincing, even to herself. “But I meant more in the longterm. When we found that planet, we were looking for Earth. If I had my way, we would have stayed long enough to restock up on supplies and moved on, continued our search.” While she might have been bitter about her loss to Gaius Baltar a year ago, now her words were just heavily tinged in sadness over what that election had cost her, aside from the presidency. It had cost thousands of lives. Even Bill had thought many times over his part in exposing the vote rigging all that time ago. What would their lives have been like if Roslin had remained in office?
“Earth.” One word said a million things as he gave an abrupt sigh and finished off his drink. “We barely knew where we were headed before when it was all fresh in our heads, Madame President. Now we’re down a couple ships including half of what we had protecting our fleet. Our people are sick and injured, a third of them are probably malnourished.”
Laura was quick to cut him off as she said, “all the more reason to give them something to hope for again.”
“…Which was where I was headed. Earth is all we have anymore. They’re not going to be happy with finding another habitable planet ever again. If we find a planet as beautiful as Caprica tomorrow, I don’t think a single person would move to settle down there. The only option we have is finding the 13th Tribe and hoping they welcome us with open arms.”
She watched him and his heavy lidded eyes. There was a certain amount of defeat to him, something he usually kept under control around most people. But to him, she wasn’t most people anymore. Likewise, Laura knew he wasn’t most people to her anymore either.
The ringing of a knock on the hatch interrupted them and she heard Bill grumble to himself before calling out for the intruder to come in.
Kara appeared from the doorway, sealing it behind her. She didn’t seem surprised by Laura’s presence as she saluted the Admiral and Adama let his eyes shift between the two females in his quarters. “I get the feeling one of you planned this.”
Laura was the first to speakfrom her seat on the couch beside him. “Yes, Bill, I asked the Commander to meet me here before I came to see you.”
“Just Major now, actually,” Kara spoke up as she remained standing, just slightly off to the side, immediately feeling like she was interrupting something personal between the older couple before her.
“Oh?”
Adama gave a shrug of his shoulders, far more interested in the scheme that had been cooked up between the two women than discussing the nature of rank and military hierarchy.
“I’m relieved, to be honest. Now I can go back to mouthing off to Tigh and getting threatened with a night in the brig for it.” Kara played diplomat, trying to lighten the situation by even a single degree.
Laura gave something of a forced smile and turned her attention back to the Admiral. “I asked Major Thrace here because, as you remember, she was with us on Kobol when we saw the constellations surrounding Earth. With your blessing, Bill, I’d like to ask her to work with Mr. Gaeta in putting us back on the right path.” She paused, gauging his reaction before continuing on. Nearby, Kara fidgeted, her hands clasped behind her back.
“Sir, I’ve spoken to Gaeta and he said Baltar had been working on identifying the next clue in where to go. He thinks he’ll be able to recreate the work that he helped with. Between the Scroll of Pythia and what Baltar thought he found, it’s a place to start.” Kara was solemn. Bill had almost forgotten how serious Kara took the Gods and her religion. It never would have been a trait he expected from someone like her, who lived her life without a care or concern for almost anything else.
His gaze was far off from both Laura and Kara, staring right through the bulkhead across the room. “Then we’ll follow the signs until we find Earth or they run out.”
-
Days later, after waking hours split between CIC shifts and returning to acting CAG and nights spent barely sleeping in that familiar senior pilots’ bunk room, Kara chose to take out her aggression in the gym. It was the middle of the night, and though night and day really had no meaning out in the middle of space, the room had been deserted as most of the crew chose to catch a few hours of sleep on some normal kind of cycle. Whether the gym was busy during the day or not was for all intents and purposes, a crapshoot. At times it was bustling with those who had re-upped, attempting to rebuild lost muscle mass to be at their best once again. And then at other times, it could be an absolute ghost town as some people were on shift and others chose to take their re-enlistment at a slower pace. She didn’t blame them for not making physical fitness their first priority. It was only her restless nature and temper that brought her there most of the time.
A sweat had built up across her chest and back, beginning to soak into the fabric of her sports bra. She had missed this place the most during her time on Pegasus. Specifically, she missed that particular punching bag with its familiar frayed edges and shoddy duct tape repair jobs. It had been on the receiving end of most of her bad moods over the years and it had even helped her travel back in time to when the biggest problem the crew faced was a particularly disgusting dinner in the mess hall. It was all a lifetime away now. She knew that much and tried not to dwell, instead refocusing her energy and attention on each hit landed.
The thump-thump of her series of punches lulled her into a bit of a comforting state. She wasn’t sure how long she had lost track of time, but she had, and coming back to her senses, Kara knew she wasn’t alone in the room any longer. The gloves covering her hands stilled the weighted bag in front of her before she turned to face the other occupant.
It was Lee, the man that had evaded her for days now, though she knew she was doing her own attempts at avoiding him as well. For awhile, she had been sure he’d returned to Colonial One, but there had been casual talk around the rec room and mess hall that had told her otherwise. From the look alone that she’d seen Dee wearing the past few days, she knew Lee couldn’t have jumped ship to find home elsewhere.
Kara began to tug at her gloves, finding it much harder without a partner to ease the process. She’d been alone when she’d struggled to put them on though, so this was the easier of the two actions. Her teeth tugged at the cord around her wrist, loosening it just enough to make an honest attempt at removal. She was about to force the glove between her knees to pull it off when Lee stepped up, offering his hands to help. Her look was one of gratefulness, and she may have even mumbled a quiet thanks once her hands were free.
Sweaty palms were rubbed on the fabric of her shorts and she increased the distance between them to stuff the gloves in the bag she had brought along.
“Something I can help you with, Apollo?” They were back to call signs as far as she was concerned. She wasn’t sure what she expected to happen when they rescued Lee because she never imagined that far ahead. Three months of quiet grief and all she ever hoped for was that he would be safe and intact.
His hands sat on the hips of fatigue pants and Kara noted that they were clean and without holes. His face was shaved as well. Lee had pulled his things out of storage, that much was at least true.
“Actually, there is,” he spoke as though he wasn’t pleased to be asking her, of all people, for assistance in a situation.
She was surprised but didn’t let it show. Kara feigned disinterest as she zipped her bag while speaking. “Well spit it out, some of us have work in the morning.”
“I was going over manifests with my father earlier and I noticed a few people were just… disappearing. One day, they’d be on a ship somewhere and the next they’d be gone. Without a trace.”
“I fail to see what you want me to do about it. Everything’s a frakking mess these days, we can’t keep track of everyone. You know that.” From across the room she watched him, pulling her hair out of the elastic that had kept it bound temporarily. Her fingers dragged through the lengths of it, gathering it at the back of her neck. She split it into three relatively equal groups and began the process of braiding the strands of it together.
“You don’t get it, Starbuck.” Lee watched her, unconsciously pushing his fingers through his own hair, now outgrown. This was the longest it had been since he was a teenager. “I’ve heard talk, Zarek slipped in something just before letting Roslin take over the presidency again. He’s got people rounding up anyone they think was a traitor on New Caprica, convicting them without a trial and tossing them out airlocks. I know they’re on Galactica and it usually happens in the middle of the night when there’s less people around.”
Kara’s eyebrows pushed as close together as they could get while she digested what he was saying. Had anyone else come to her about it, she would have vehemently insisted it wasn’t true and not given a second thought to it. Something like that couldn’t have been happening under their noses. Then again… Lee had mentioned Zarek and she, more than anyone, knew he couldn’t be trusted. He would be the type to start something like this and let others do the heavy lifting for him.
She tried to imagine how it must feel to be one of the people recently returned from New Caprica, filled with anger and rage that your fellow human beings had turned against you to save themselves. It was hard for her to admit, even to herself, but Kara knew that had she been down on that planet for the occupation, she most likely would’ve been one of the people chosen for such a task. She could understand the anger and the accountability some people demanded, but getting it this way? She couldn’t stand by it. The Old Man wouldn’t have stood for it and staring Lee down, she knew she couldn’t deny him whatever he asked for in regards to her help.
The elastic was tied around the end of her braid and she took a deep breath. “So what do you need me for?”
“I’m not exactly officially a member of the fleet anymore. I need you to come with me to break it up, just in case. I need you to have my back.”
Kara thought back to a time when she had asked him for the same thing. It had been under vastly different circumstances, one that would have probably lead to their imminent deaths had they actually gone through with Cain’s assassination. It didn’t matter that Adama had called it off or that Lee hadn’t actually been able to show up to watch her back because he was floating in space with a hole in his suit. What had mattered was that when asked, Lee had looked at her and said yes. No matter what, Lee would always have her back.
She met his blue eyes with her own. “I need to change and pick up my gun.”
-
The confrontation hadn’t gone as badly as expected, and for that they were both thankful. It hurt most to see some of the faces that had been part of the so-called Circle. Jean. Seelix. Galen. Cally. Duck. Charlie. These weren’t cylons they were condemning to death, however temporary it was for a cylon. These were people, some of the last in existence. Kara stopped trying to understand their specific brand of anger, though. She hadn’t been on that planet for months. What they all went through together, she wouldn’t ever specifically understand.
It didn’t matter in the end, as Roslin had called an end to it and decreed her fleet wide pardon for any and all actions taken place on New Caprica. It wouldn’t stop the hatred between people, but it would stop the worst of it. The people needed to move on, and that was the first step.
It was another late night, one much identical to the one a few days prior when Lee had interrupted her solo sparring session to drag her down to the hangar deck. They’d only arrived just in time to stop Felix Gaeta from being locked up in the launch tube and sailed out into space to meet an early end. His possible death had hit her extra hard, as Kara knew without Gaeta, whatever hope she and Roslin had of returning on the path to Earth would have met a premature death as well.
Her forehead rested against the worn outside of the punching bag, letting some of the heat from her dissipate into the cool surface. “I know you’re there, Apollo. You stomp too frakking loud,” Kara spoke as she stayed still, regaining her breath.
“I do not.” He sounded like a petulant child, arguing for the sake of it.
Her eyes opened and she stepped away from the bag, brushing her hair crudely from her face with the back of her arm. She held her hands out to Lee when she approached him. Lee understood the meaning and he quickly undid the laces holding the gloves on her hands. Kara nodded in thanks and took a seat on the nearby bench, the same one from the other night.
“So, when are you going to end the stalemate and tell your father you’re coming back to the fleet?”
Lee had a sense of deja vu as he watched her pack away her gloves, her fingers then becoming occupied with braiding at the long mess of hair she had these days. “Why do you think I’d come back?”
“Because you never wanted to really leave in the first place.” The look on her face challenged him to answer differently.
Lee wisely chose not to rise to that challenge. “You know the reasons why I left.” His voice was suddenly less sure of himself, soft in delivery of the single sentence. He stepped away from her, running his fingers through his hair in a display of unease. His voice was more confident when he spoke again, distancing himself from the unpleasant reality of Lee and Kara. “I did some good while I was there. It made me realize again that I never wanted the military to be my whole life. But when the worlds ended… it was just all that I had and what was needed of me.”
He was pacing as he spoke, the constant motion of his body making it easier to talk to her. “I just needed some space.” Lee looked up to her and their eyes met. “You know I wasn’t in the right place after what happened with the Blackbird and everything that followed it.”
He needn’t mention the incident in which he was shot for Kara to already be thinking about it. She felt a vice grip around her chest at just the very thought. There were a lot of things Lee hadn’t told her about regarding those weeks and months prior to her rescue mission to Caprica for Anders. She knew she hadn’t really asked him about any of it either. For that, she’d always feel sorry.
“I’m glad he chose you to be Commander, Kara. I wasn’t ever mad about that. I couldn’t have done it. You were the right person for the job.” Lee knew that she had worried about feeling like she’d betrayed him by accepting the position. She hadn’t ever said it out loud, but those weeks after she was at the helm of Pegasus told him enough.
She thought she let that fear of his anger over her position go months ago. It wasn’t until he’d told her right then that she actually felt a weight lift from her. It was small, but when carrying as much baggage as she was, it was enough.
“I had purpose down there that didn’t involve me sitting in a Viper. I helped set up the civilian government, I helped make sure people were heard down there. I put order back despite the disorder. I was finally worth something other than my wings for once in my life.”
Lee spoke with such conviction that she had to look away. It had been forever since she’d heard him speak with that much passion about anything. Actually, she could remember him very distinctly speaking so assuredly in one other recent moment, when the two of them were standing undressed under the New Caprican sky, confessing their love for one another. That night, he had sounded much the same. He had been sure.
“So what, are you going to move onto Colonial One and start a new life? You know you always accused me of running-” She spoke fast, hoping to avoid letting him hear the shake of her voice as she tried to come to terms with impending abandonment.
His shoulders slumped exaggeratedly and he hit the palm of his hand into the punching bag. Lee’s raised tone of voice cut her off. “Gods damn it Kara, let me finish.” When her attention was held and secured, he continued on. “What I was saying is that I had purpose down there, but we’re not on New Caprica anymore. We’re here and I know that I’m supposed to be back in the fleet. I know that more than the people need me sitting behind some desk, they need Starbuck and Apollo protecting them. I know that I need to be that again. Right now, that’s what I need.”
Kara could swear this was more talking Lee had done than in the entire time she knew him. She shook her head mostly to herself, smile pushing up at the corners of her mouth. Her tongue barely peeked out, running along the top row. It was a very particular Kara look, Lee thought.
“I’ll come back, but you have to do something for me, Kara.”
Her head cocked just slightly to the side as she looked to him. “Are you going to tell me what it is or do I have blindly agree to it?”
“I need to know what happened between you and the cylon that goes by the name of Leoben Conoy.”