Star-crossed
Pairing: Ryoda
Rating: PG-13 for making out
Disclaimer: ...Seriously, would I be writing about them making out if I owned them.
Summary: [AU] They'll keep trying until they get it right, no matter how long it takes.
Author’s Notes: My super late rendition of prompt 40 for Tatsuya-thon: 5 times Ryo tells Ueda "I love you" and one time he answers back. It's already been done a few times, and this is a pretty crappy addition. T.T I'm really sorry, guys.
Thanks to terialk, my wonderful beta and also Anni, for letting me bounce ideas off of her even though she has no clue who these people are. ♥
i.
They slammed through the door in a mess of intertwined limbs. Ryo vaguely felt Ueda kick it closed again as Ueda kissed him possessively, shoving him into the wall hard enough to bruise his shoulder blades.
Somehow, they managed to struggle out of their shoes and stumble into the living room, collapsing into a heap on the sofa. Ryo pressed his mouth against the pale column of Ueda's neck as Ueda pulled roughly at his dinner jacket, almost ripping the lining in his hurry to get it off. Strong fingers wound through his hair, tugging until Ryo raised his head again. Warm lips settled over his, and Ryo gripped the silver tie around Ueda's neck, working at the knot until it finally came undone. He tossed it away carelessly then started pushing at Ueda's tuxedo, wanting it off, but Ueda's hand caught his and curled their fingers together instead.
Ryo settled back against the sofa, content to let Ueda take the lead. Dimly, he felt Ueda shrugging out of his own jacket and grinned, free hand finding Ueda's belt buckle and tugging it open-
Click.
Ryo stopped, the soft but telltale noise of a gun being cocked snapping him out of his carnal haze.
Pulling back, he opened his eyes and blinked. Ueda was still straddling his lap, lips wet and shining in the moonlight but eyes inscrutable. The gun was in his right hand, barrel pressed right beneath Ryo's ribs.
"Tatsuya?" he asked, still dazed.
"You."
"Me?" He frowned in confusion.
"It was you all along, wasn't it." It wasn't a question.
Ryo suddenly felt much more sober and tried to straighten up, but Ueda's weight pinned him securely into the cushions. He stared up imploringly with a properly bewildered look on his face, but he knew it wouldn't make a difference. Three years by Ueda's side, and he'd learned that much at least, how the man at the top of the Japanese underworld operated. Tatsuya was ruthless and decisive, but he was also careful. Beyond that, he trusted people, and he wouldn't accuse anyone close to him without irrefutable proof.
Which meant, in other words, that Ryo was screwed.
He wasn't sure how long they sat together like that, Ueda still and beautiful as a statue, Ryo with a gun against his chest. What he did know was the slow weariness that began creeping through his veins after the adrenaline bled out, the despair as a million ideas flew through his mind and were summarily discarded until he was forced to admit that he was coming up blank.
The worst part was the dawning realization that he didn't really want to lie to Ueda anymore. For the first time since he was ten, Ryo found that he cared about someone's trust enough to want to keep it. Even though he'd made his life's living out of betrayal, even though he'd been hired for being the most obstinately solitary and indifferent motherfucker in Japan and possibly the world, somehow… Somehow, he'd still been drawn in by the frustratingly mysterious, irresistibly complicated collection of contradictions that was Ueda Tatsuya.
Ryo wanted to laugh. He'd failed at his own game-had been failing all along, really-and if Ohkura could hear him now, he'd kill Ryo without a second thought.
But it really didn't matter what his boss might do because by the time Ohkura found out, Ryo was pretty sure he would no longer be around to bully or beat up or dangle off the side of a building.
"How did you know?" he asked instead, feeling very tired.
Ueda arched a graceful eyebrow. "You're not even going to deny it?"
"There wouldn't be any point," he replied matter-of-factly.
Ueda gave him a hard, considering look. "Kamenashi caught you talking to Murakami," he said finally.
"Ah."
It would be Kamenashi, that bastard. He'd never liked the kid-too slick for his own good.
"For what it's worth," Ueda murmured, voice low, earring glinting silver against his hair. Ryo had gotten it for his birthday last year. "I really don't want to do this."
Ryo laughed bitterly. "Do you really mean it, or are you just saying that?"
"I don't think you're in any position to doubt my sincerity, Nishikido," Ueda snapped sharply. Ryo flinched. "Although… I don't think I've ever meant it before."
Ueda stared at him for a minute longer before hefting the gun, aiming it straight at Ryo's heart. "Any last words?"
He hesitated, considered saying something classic like, "Fuck you," or "I'll see you in hell," for all the wrong reasons. But in the end, after a lifetime of deception, it seemed like he owed the world at least one word of truth. And really, when it came down to it, out of the hundreds of people he'd conned over his lifetime, Ueda had always been the only one worth breaking the rules for.
Naturally, he was the only one with any control over Ryo's life. And death.
Flashing his best, wryest smile, Ryo tightened his hold on Ueda's left hand, fingers still tangled in his own.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I love you."
Ueda blinked. "I'm sure you do."
And then he pulled the trigger.
ii.
"UEDA!" he roared, storming down the corridors. Even in the height of his fury, watching everyone in his path stare at him with wide eyes before scuttling out of the way was a profoundly satisfying experience.
There was no reply, but he hadn't expected one. Naturally, Ueda Tatsuya-sama was far too cultured and important to ever raise his voice to such an undignified level.
Ryo snorted.
When he finally reached the room he was looking for, he slammed the shoji open without any warning or hesitation. "What the hell did you think you were doing onstage ton-"
He stopped cold as he noticed the man sprawled across Ueda's bed. Although Ueda himself was-as expected-ensconced at his cosmetics table, it was still enough to make him wary.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company," he said stiffly.
"It's quite all right, Nishikido-kun." Ueda smiled at him beatifically over one shoulder, lewdly displayed by his slipping yukata, lashes lowered in a mockery of modesty. "We were just talking, Akanishi-san and I."
The man-Akanishi?-perked up at the mention of Ryo's name. "Nishikido-kun? As in Nishikido Ryo, the dark-eyed man from Osaka who has stolen all the girls' hearts?" He laughed in delight and jumped up to take Ryo's hand in his own. "You are a wonder to watch on stage, sir, but you must understand when I say I wish you'd leave some for the rest of us!"
Ueda chuckled at the half-shell-shocked, half-offended expression on Ryo's face and continued to comb out his hair, a hundred strokes as per his ridiculous daily ritual. "Akanishi-san is a fan of our troupe."
"You could say that, yes." Akanishi smiled again. It was bright, heart-warming, and childishly charming. Ryo hated it. "Well, I must be going now, but it was such a pleasure to see you both in person. Until next week, then, Tat-chan!" He bowed and waved before hurrying off in a flurry of colors far too bright for a man his age. Or for a man at all, really.
Ryo straightened, felt his lip curl with disgust of its own accord. "I know you don't have high standards, but isn't that a bit low even for you?"
"You don't like him?" Ueda asked mildly, too enraptured by his own reflection in the mirror to even look at Ryo. "I think he's very sweet."
"I'm sure he is," Ryo muttered, voice rough with disapproval. Akanishi was nothing but another one of those fops. Just because he was a little bit good-looking, it didn't make him any better than the other simpering fools who plied them with pointless presents. But then again, he supposed that was Ueda's type, after all: rich, handsome, and completely and utterly useless.
He folded his arms and glared at the back of Ueda's head.
Ueda glanced at Ryo's angry reflection in the mirror and smiled softly, clearly amused. "Nishikido-kun, he's not a client. He just likes to come and talk sometimes. He's quite entertaining."
"I just bet," he spat, scowl so deep it might as well have been etched onto his face.
Ueda blinked, eyes wide with surprised innocence but too wide to be sincere. "Are you jealous, Nishikido-kun?"
Ryo snorted. The nerve of this guy was unbelievable. "Of what, exactly? Don't flatter yourself, Ueda. Just because we spent one night together, don't think it means anything."
"Hmmm." Ueda leaned forward and brushed the kohl lining his eyes with a carefully manicured fingertip. "I supposed it didn't, did it, since it happened so long ago and all."
"It was last week!" Ryo seethed, hands clenched into fists. What kind of imbecile forgot about that kind of thing?
Ueda smirked like the cat who got the cream and the canary, too. "So it was. For something so meaningless, I'm surprised you still remember, Nishikido-kun."
Ryo opened his mouth for an angry retort but swallowed his words at the sight of the look Ueda was giving him, dark eyes glittering knowingly, leaving him feeling stripped to his soul. The tension was so thick that he was inhaling it with every breath, and for a moment, he wished he'd just stayed in his village and become a farmer like everyone else, had never decided to join this kabuki troupe with the onnagata every man in town lusted after.
"You," he hissed, grabbing Ueda by his shoulders and dragging him up, away from that goddamn mirror, and shook him roughly. "You arrogant, talentless hack. What is it about you? How do you do this? Why. Why do I care? Why do you…"
He stopped mid-rant and looked at Ueda, really looked him; at his eyes, a clear brown he'd never bothered to notice before, shocked and stunned with the suddenness of Ryo's attack; at his lips, meticulously lined with red paint; at his expression, so reserved but open at the same time. He was small but solid under Ryo's hands, nothing like the softness of girls or women.
Ryo's heart beat fast and furious, sending the blood rumbling through his body like some kind of avalanche, so hard that it momentarily blinded him. In rage, he thought, but that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all.
"Why do you make me care?" He deflated, fury melting away in the dizzy face of his own confusion. "Why do you make me love you?"
Ueda stared back at him blankly. "…What?"
"Stop." Ryo swallowed thickly, unsteadily. "Stop making me love you."
The expression faded out of Ueda's face. It happened in an instant, like watching someone close a door, but it seemed to take an eternity as Ueda pulled himself together, disappearing suddenly but thoroughly behind the white mask of make up Ryo hated so much.
"Don't be silly, Ryo," he said slowly, as if chiding a wayward child. "That wasn't a very funny joke. You of all people should know better."
Ryo closed his eyes as Ueda shrugged out of his hold and turned away, trailing a wake of lingering jasmine perfume.
Yes, he really should.
iii.
"Ah, Nishikido-senpai! Congratulations!"
Ryo smiled or tried to, anyway. He could feel the muscles in his face stretch, straining, and could only hope that it didn't look like the grimace it was. "Thank you, Kato-kun," he said, putting as much sincerity as he could muster into his voice.
Kato Shigeaki beamed back at him, so he supposed he must've succeeded, but for the first time in his life, Ryo couldn't find it in himself to care. On any other occasion, he would've been perfectly glad to play the gracious host and senpai, especially to poor hapless Kato, who seemed to worship the ground he walked on. But tonight, he was not in the mood for it. Tonight, there were other, more important things on his mind, and he hadn't the patience to worry about pleasing a host of strangers.
No, the only person he was concerned with, at the moment, was the one standing next to Kato.
"Ueda-kun," he greeted lightly.
"Nishikido-kun," Ueda replied evenly, cool and distantly polite. "Congratulations." It was maddening, a little bit, but he could see the tension in the stiff line of Ueda's shoulders, the nervousness and mild mortification in the ramrod straightness of his spine.
It must be intimidating for him, Ryo thought, feeling guilty. His parents had pulled out all the stops for this party, not that it was much of a surprise. He was, after all, the first son of family Nishikido, one of the most respected names in western Japan, and as such, many persons of great importance had been invited to celebrate his formal engagement to Sawajiri Erika, the daughter of an eminent ambassador.
Ueda, he knew, had never even seen a foreigner before, and now he was surrounded by some of the highest-ranking dignitaries in the country. Every other guest was dressed in the latest Western fashions and finery, none of which Ueda could afford on his meager student stipend. At school, he was respected for being the most brilliant student in their class, but here, he was just poor.
"I'm sure your marriage will be just wonderful," Shigeaki continued blithely, and Ryo almost jumped when he realized that their adoring kouhai was still standing there. He laughed haltingly as Ueda cringed at the words, and though Kato was like a younger brother to him, right now Ryo wanted nothing more than for him to leave.
"Oh! There's Masuda!" said Shigeaki, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere between his senpai. "I'll take my leave, then. Take care, Nishikido-senpai!" Ryo heaved a breath as Kato waved back at him cheerily.
"Shall we?" he murmured, and Ueda merely glanced at him before nodding once in consent. They walked towards the balcony, and once they cleared the glass double doors, Ryo sighed, half in relief, half in trepidation.
"You came," he said cautiously, breaking the nocturnal calm settling around them. "I wasn't sure if you would."
An awkward, pained smiled flitted across Ueda's face, then was gone again. "My best friend's getting married," he replied, voice just as careful. "I couldn't not come."
Ryo winced. It'd been awhile since Ueda had called him friend in private.
"I'm sorry," he said, feeling ill at ease, fiddling with the champagne glass that hadn't left his hand all night. "I. I should've told you, earlier, but. I don't want this. It's just, being the first son..."
"I know." Ueda laughed, but it was a hollow, dull sound, devoid of his usual hitch-breathed mirth. The orchestra played a lilting pavane in the background, but the sound was muted by the chilly autumn air. "No, I know. This must've been arranged for ages. It can't be helped."
"I… I'm glad you understand," Ryo finished lamely.
Ueda smiled again, expression still empty, eyes focused on the expansive gardens down below. "Well, then. I guess that's-"
He set the glass on the stone railing and clenched his hands into fists. "I still love you best!" he blurted out, pleased when Ueda finally looked at him, startled by his confession. "Even if I can't be with you, I will always love you best."
They stood in silence until Ueda finally took a sharp, deep breath. "Ryo. You can't. We can't. Just…"
"I know," Ryo cut in, words curdling on his tongue, cold and bitter, slashing him to the bone in harsh strokes even as they left his mouth. "I know. But I just. I needed you to know."
The look he got in return was so devastated that he started forward violently, arms already rising to curl around Ueda and hold him, only to be stopped by a hand on his chest.
"Don't," Ueda whispered.
Ryo felt his heart beat against Ueda's palm, soft and steady but so fragile. The stars glimmered overhead, accompanied in their slow waltz across the heavens by the orchestra inside.
Up close, under the moonlight, Ueda was beautiful. Even in a faded, secondhand kimono-no doubt one that had belonged to his older brothers and possibly his forefathers-Ueda looked resplendent, pale and lovely as a porcelain doll and just as breakable. Ryo didn't know how to stop loving him.
They stood together under the ivory-lit sky, close enough to kiss, for a trembling moment that stretched on into a small eternity.
"…Ryo." Ueda's breath puffed white like smoke in the chill night air, then dissipated. "Ryo, be happy. I'm sure she's wonderful, so... Love her. And just. Be happy, okay?"
Ryo wanted to scream, to yell that it was not okay. It wasn't okay because he didn't have a heart left to give, to love her with. It'd been Ueda's since the first time they'd argued in their dormitory about where to put the bookshelves, the first time he'd been defied so thoroughly and completely by someone who was not in his immediate family. He wanted to laugh because Ueda had to be joking. How could he possibly be happy with a girl he had only seen once, a girl who was tearing them apart by her very existence?
But Ueda was asking him to let go. So he would. Or, at least, he would try.
"I love you," Ryo whispered desperately, knowing it would be the last chance he had to say the words in a long while. Possibly forever.
Ueda smiled, faint and bitter, and picked up what remained of Ryo's champagne. "Here's." He stopped and looked Ryo calmly in the eye. "Here's to you and your new bride, Nishikido-kun."
iv.
He stared at the sterile room, with its white sheets and white curtains and white walls and white fucking everything. It made him want to scream, but he didn't, letting the steady hum of the machines and the dripdripdrip of the IV fill the silence instead.
Ueda lay on the pristine bed, and except for the oxygen mask that covered half of his face, he could've looked like he was sleeping. Which was true, in a way. The only difference was that he hadn't woken up in several days.
After today, he'd never wake up again.
Ryo took a deep breath and tilted his head back, willing the burning in his eyes to subside. Deep down, he'd figured long ago that it would probably come to this, but he had hoped, desperately, that maybe they'd be blessed by a miracle. That maybe, one day, Ueda would just wake up and smile again, bright as the sun, all traces of illness gone.
But it was going on three years now, and there was no more room to avoid the truth: Ueda Tatsuya was dying. According to the doctors, this was the last stretch. He hadn't regained consciousness for five days, and they'd only given him three. There was nothing else that could be done. Keeping him here, they said, would just be prolonging the agony.
The helplessness hurt more than everything else combined, except for the pain of losing the person you were meant to love.
Sighing heavily and swallowing hard, Ryo knelt down beside the bed and took one thin hand in his own. Ueda's hands had always been delicate, but it was almost grotesque, the way it was so easily engulfed by Ryo's tanned, calloused fingers.
Nonetheless, he kissed it reverently. "Hey," he whispered, voice cracking, but he couldn't go on. He didn't know how.
Ryo closed his eyes, held the bittersweet taste of grief on his tongue. Finally, he tried again.
"Hey." He paused. "I guess this is goodbye." He let out a shuddering breath, leaned down to rest his head against Ueda's chest, trying to etch the sound of the weakening heartbeat into his memory.
"Nishikido-san," Nurse Koyama called gently. "Are you ready?"
Ryo glanced back at the tall, redheaded young man who had been attending to Ueda for the past year. "Just give us one more moment, please."
Koyama smiled kindly and nodded in understanding.
With a trembling hand, Ryo smoothed the hair away from Ueda's face. It was short, black, stark and unforgiving against the skeletal paleness of his skin. He looked like a ghostly imitation of his living self, so different from the vivacious, beautiful boy Ryo had fallen in love with at first sight, the one who had always, always been ready with a smile that could make the rest of the world disappear.
"You are everything to me. Always. So... Wait a bit for me, okay?" He pressed a chaste kiss to Ueda's forehead. "I love you."
Then he stood slowly and turned to nod at the nurse waiting respectfully behind him.
v.
As sunlight suddenly burst into his room, having finally cleared the tree line and shining with a vengeance, Nishikido Ryo groaned and tried to bury his face further into his pillows, but he only ended up with a noseful of hair. Opening his eyes blearily, he was confronted with a mass of red, glinting blond in the light. He pulled away and squinted a bit, then laid back down, tugging the covers down so that Ueda, who'd had his head buried underneath, could breathe easier.
He curled closer, reveling in the heat cradled so deliciously between their bodies, in the haphazard tangle of ankles and knees. Ryo took a moment to admire the look of innocent, feline contentment on Ueda's face, rays of golden light sweeping across the high slant of cheekbones, the soft curve of his jaw. He breathed a sigh, running a hand through Ueda's hair and brushing it away.
But the movement, gentle as it was, seemed to have woken Ueda, who stirred and blinked drowsily, eyes still half-closed and unfocused. "Ryo?" he mumbled, voice rough with sleep and exhaustion.
Ryo chuckled softly, taking the opportunity to stretch and cuddle even closer.
"Ueda Tatsuya, you are too cute." He gave him a quick kiss and nuzzled the corner of Ueda's brow gently. "I love you. Go back to sleep."
* * *
Ueda smiled fuzzily and shifted, settling back against Ryo.
"Okay," he sighed into Ryo's shoulder, eyes already sliding shut again. "Love you, too."
First real attempt at angst... But I couldn't help it in the end. XD [fails] Awful, I know, but somehow, I ended up with about 30 pages worth of draft? x.x It seemed like it'd be a waste if I didn't end up posting it, ne. XD
I guess this is also a reminder to self to not attempt multiple AUs in one fic again. @.@ [dies]
Edit: Shoot, I completely forgot... >.<
In part ii, Ryo and Ueda are kabuki actors. Ueda is an onnagata, an actor who specifically plays female roles. And shoji are traditional Japanese sliding doors.
Rating: PG-13 for making out
Disclaimer: ...Seriously, would I be writing about them making out if I owned them.
Summary: [AU] They'll keep trying until they get it right, no matter how long it takes.
Author’s Notes: My super late rendition of prompt 40 for Tatsuya-thon: 5 times Ryo tells Ueda "I love you" and one time he answers back. It's already been done a few times, and this is a pretty crappy addition. T.T I'm really sorry, guys.
Thanks to terialk, my wonderful beta and also Anni, for letting me bounce ideas off of her even though she has no clue who these people are. ♥
i.
They slammed through the door in a mess of intertwined limbs. Ryo vaguely felt Ueda kick it closed again as Ueda kissed him possessively, shoving him into the wall hard enough to bruise his shoulder blades.
Somehow, they managed to struggle out of their shoes and stumble into the living room, collapsing into a heap on the sofa. Ryo pressed his mouth against the pale column of Ueda's neck as Ueda pulled roughly at his dinner jacket, almost ripping the lining in his hurry to get it off. Strong fingers wound through his hair, tugging until Ryo raised his head again. Warm lips settled over his, and Ryo gripped the silver tie around Ueda's neck, working at the knot until it finally came undone. He tossed it away carelessly then started pushing at Ueda's tuxedo, wanting it off, but Ueda's hand caught his and curled their fingers together instead.
Ryo settled back against the sofa, content to let Ueda take the lead. Dimly, he felt Ueda shrugging out of his own jacket and grinned, free hand finding Ueda's belt buckle and tugging it open-
Click.
Ryo stopped, the soft but telltale noise of a gun being cocked snapping him out of his carnal haze.
Pulling back, he opened his eyes and blinked. Ueda was still straddling his lap, lips wet and shining in the moonlight but eyes inscrutable. The gun was in his right hand, barrel pressed right beneath Ryo's ribs.
"Tatsuya?" he asked, still dazed.
"You."
"Me?" He frowned in confusion.
"It was you all along, wasn't it." It wasn't a question.
Ryo suddenly felt much more sober and tried to straighten up, but Ueda's weight pinned him securely into the cushions. He stared up imploringly with a properly bewildered look on his face, but he knew it wouldn't make a difference. Three years by Ueda's side, and he'd learned that much at least, how the man at the top of the Japanese underworld operated. Tatsuya was ruthless and decisive, but he was also careful. Beyond that, he trusted people, and he wouldn't accuse anyone close to him without irrefutable proof.
Which meant, in other words, that Ryo was screwed.
He wasn't sure how long they sat together like that, Ueda still and beautiful as a statue, Ryo with a gun against his chest. What he did know was the slow weariness that began creeping through his veins after the adrenaline bled out, the despair as a million ideas flew through his mind and were summarily discarded until he was forced to admit that he was coming up blank.
The worst part was the dawning realization that he didn't really want to lie to Ueda anymore. For the first time since he was ten, Ryo found that he cared about someone's trust enough to want to keep it. Even though he'd made his life's living out of betrayal, even though he'd been hired for being the most obstinately solitary and indifferent motherfucker in Japan and possibly the world, somehow… Somehow, he'd still been drawn in by the frustratingly mysterious, irresistibly complicated collection of contradictions that was Ueda Tatsuya.
Ryo wanted to laugh. He'd failed at his own game-had been failing all along, really-and if Ohkura could hear him now, he'd kill Ryo without a second thought.
But it really didn't matter what his boss might do because by the time Ohkura found out, Ryo was pretty sure he would no longer be around to bully or beat up or dangle off the side of a building.
"How did you know?" he asked instead, feeling very tired.
Ueda arched a graceful eyebrow. "You're not even going to deny it?"
"There wouldn't be any point," he replied matter-of-factly.
Ueda gave him a hard, considering look. "Kamenashi caught you talking to Murakami," he said finally.
"Ah."
It would be Kamenashi, that bastard. He'd never liked the kid-too slick for his own good.
"For what it's worth," Ueda murmured, voice low, earring glinting silver against his hair. Ryo had gotten it for his birthday last year. "I really don't want to do this."
Ryo laughed bitterly. "Do you really mean it, or are you just saying that?"
"I don't think you're in any position to doubt my sincerity, Nishikido," Ueda snapped sharply. Ryo flinched. "Although… I don't think I've ever meant it before."
Ueda stared at him for a minute longer before hefting the gun, aiming it straight at Ryo's heart. "Any last words?"
He hesitated, considered saying something classic like, "Fuck you," or "I'll see you in hell," for all the wrong reasons. But in the end, after a lifetime of deception, it seemed like he owed the world at least one word of truth. And really, when it came down to it, out of the hundreds of people he'd conned over his lifetime, Ueda had always been the only one worth breaking the rules for.
Naturally, he was the only one with any control over Ryo's life. And death.
Flashing his best, wryest smile, Ryo tightened his hold on Ueda's left hand, fingers still tangled in his own.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I love you."
Ueda blinked. "I'm sure you do."
And then he pulled the trigger.
ii.
"UEDA!" he roared, storming down the corridors. Even in the height of his fury, watching everyone in his path stare at him with wide eyes before scuttling out of the way was a profoundly satisfying experience.
There was no reply, but he hadn't expected one. Naturally, Ueda Tatsuya-sama was far too cultured and important to ever raise his voice to such an undignified level.
Ryo snorted.
When he finally reached the room he was looking for, he slammed the shoji open without any warning or hesitation. "What the hell did you think you were doing onstage ton-"
He stopped cold as he noticed the man sprawled across Ueda's bed. Although Ueda himself was-as expected-ensconced at his cosmetics table, it was still enough to make him wary.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company," he said stiffly.
"It's quite all right, Nishikido-kun." Ueda smiled at him beatifically over one shoulder, lewdly displayed by his slipping yukata, lashes lowered in a mockery of modesty. "We were just talking, Akanishi-san and I."
The man-Akanishi?-perked up at the mention of Ryo's name. "Nishikido-kun? As in Nishikido Ryo, the dark-eyed man from Osaka who has stolen all the girls' hearts?" He laughed in delight and jumped up to take Ryo's hand in his own. "You are a wonder to watch on stage, sir, but you must understand when I say I wish you'd leave some for the rest of us!"
Ueda chuckled at the half-shell-shocked, half-offended expression on Ryo's face and continued to comb out his hair, a hundred strokes as per his ridiculous daily ritual. "Akanishi-san is a fan of our troupe."
"You could say that, yes." Akanishi smiled again. It was bright, heart-warming, and childishly charming. Ryo hated it. "Well, I must be going now, but it was such a pleasure to see you both in person. Until next week, then, Tat-chan!" He bowed and waved before hurrying off in a flurry of colors far too bright for a man his age. Or for a man at all, really.
Ryo straightened, felt his lip curl with disgust of its own accord. "I know you don't have high standards, but isn't that a bit low even for you?"
"You don't like him?" Ueda asked mildly, too enraptured by his own reflection in the mirror to even look at Ryo. "I think he's very sweet."
"I'm sure he is," Ryo muttered, voice rough with disapproval. Akanishi was nothing but another one of those fops. Just because he was a little bit good-looking, it didn't make him any better than the other simpering fools who plied them with pointless presents. But then again, he supposed that was Ueda's type, after all: rich, handsome, and completely and utterly useless.
He folded his arms and glared at the back of Ueda's head.
Ueda glanced at Ryo's angry reflection in the mirror and smiled softly, clearly amused. "Nishikido-kun, he's not a client. He just likes to come and talk sometimes. He's quite entertaining."
"I just bet," he spat, scowl so deep it might as well have been etched onto his face.
Ueda blinked, eyes wide with surprised innocence but too wide to be sincere. "Are you jealous, Nishikido-kun?"
Ryo snorted. The nerve of this guy was unbelievable. "Of what, exactly? Don't flatter yourself, Ueda. Just because we spent one night together, don't think it means anything."
"Hmmm." Ueda leaned forward and brushed the kohl lining his eyes with a carefully manicured fingertip. "I supposed it didn't, did it, since it happened so long ago and all."
"It was last week!" Ryo seethed, hands clenched into fists. What kind of imbecile forgot about that kind of thing?
Ueda smirked like the cat who got the cream and the canary, too. "So it was. For something so meaningless, I'm surprised you still remember, Nishikido-kun."
Ryo opened his mouth for an angry retort but swallowed his words at the sight of the look Ueda was giving him, dark eyes glittering knowingly, leaving him feeling stripped to his soul. The tension was so thick that he was inhaling it with every breath, and for a moment, he wished he'd just stayed in his village and become a farmer like everyone else, had never decided to join this kabuki troupe with the onnagata every man in town lusted after.
"You," he hissed, grabbing Ueda by his shoulders and dragging him up, away from that goddamn mirror, and shook him roughly. "You arrogant, talentless hack. What is it about you? How do you do this? Why. Why do I care? Why do you…"
He stopped mid-rant and looked at Ueda, really looked him; at his eyes, a clear brown he'd never bothered to notice before, shocked and stunned with the suddenness of Ryo's attack; at his lips, meticulously lined with red paint; at his expression, so reserved but open at the same time. He was small but solid under Ryo's hands, nothing like the softness of girls or women.
Ryo's heart beat fast and furious, sending the blood rumbling through his body like some kind of avalanche, so hard that it momentarily blinded him. In rage, he thought, but that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all.
"Why do you make me care?" He deflated, fury melting away in the dizzy face of his own confusion. "Why do you make me love you?"
Ueda stared back at him blankly. "…What?"
"Stop." Ryo swallowed thickly, unsteadily. "Stop making me love you."
The expression faded out of Ueda's face. It happened in an instant, like watching someone close a door, but it seemed to take an eternity as Ueda pulled himself together, disappearing suddenly but thoroughly behind the white mask of make up Ryo hated so much.
"Don't be silly, Ryo," he said slowly, as if chiding a wayward child. "That wasn't a very funny joke. You of all people should know better."
Ryo closed his eyes as Ueda shrugged out of his hold and turned away, trailing a wake of lingering jasmine perfume.
Yes, he really should.
iii.
"Ah, Nishikido-senpai! Congratulations!"
Ryo smiled or tried to, anyway. He could feel the muscles in his face stretch, straining, and could only hope that it didn't look like the grimace it was. "Thank you, Kato-kun," he said, putting as much sincerity as he could muster into his voice.
Kato Shigeaki beamed back at him, so he supposed he must've succeeded, but for the first time in his life, Ryo couldn't find it in himself to care. On any other occasion, he would've been perfectly glad to play the gracious host and senpai, especially to poor hapless Kato, who seemed to worship the ground he walked on. But tonight, he was not in the mood for it. Tonight, there were other, more important things on his mind, and he hadn't the patience to worry about pleasing a host of strangers.
No, the only person he was concerned with, at the moment, was the one standing next to Kato.
"Ueda-kun," he greeted lightly.
"Nishikido-kun," Ueda replied evenly, cool and distantly polite. "Congratulations." It was maddening, a little bit, but he could see the tension in the stiff line of Ueda's shoulders, the nervousness and mild mortification in the ramrod straightness of his spine.
It must be intimidating for him, Ryo thought, feeling guilty. His parents had pulled out all the stops for this party, not that it was much of a surprise. He was, after all, the first son of family Nishikido, one of the most respected names in western Japan, and as such, many persons of great importance had been invited to celebrate his formal engagement to Sawajiri Erika, the daughter of an eminent ambassador.
Ueda, he knew, had never even seen a foreigner before, and now he was surrounded by some of the highest-ranking dignitaries in the country. Every other guest was dressed in the latest Western fashions and finery, none of which Ueda could afford on his meager student stipend. At school, he was respected for being the most brilliant student in their class, but here, he was just poor.
"I'm sure your marriage will be just wonderful," Shigeaki continued blithely, and Ryo almost jumped when he realized that their adoring kouhai was still standing there. He laughed haltingly as Ueda cringed at the words, and though Kato was like a younger brother to him, right now Ryo wanted nothing more than for him to leave.
"Oh! There's Masuda!" said Shigeaki, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere between his senpai. "I'll take my leave, then. Take care, Nishikido-senpai!" Ryo heaved a breath as Kato waved back at him cheerily.
"Shall we?" he murmured, and Ueda merely glanced at him before nodding once in consent. They walked towards the balcony, and once they cleared the glass double doors, Ryo sighed, half in relief, half in trepidation.
"You came," he said cautiously, breaking the nocturnal calm settling around them. "I wasn't sure if you would."
An awkward, pained smiled flitted across Ueda's face, then was gone again. "My best friend's getting married," he replied, voice just as careful. "I couldn't not come."
Ryo winced. It'd been awhile since Ueda had called him friend in private.
"I'm sorry," he said, feeling ill at ease, fiddling with the champagne glass that hadn't left his hand all night. "I. I should've told you, earlier, but. I don't want this. It's just, being the first son..."
"I know." Ueda laughed, but it was a hollow, dull sound, devoid of his usual hitch-breathed mirth. The orchestra played a lilting pavane in the background, but the sound was muted by the chilly autumn air. "No, I know. This must've been arranged for ages. It can't be helped."
"I… I'm glad you understand," Ryo finished lamely.
Ueda smiled again, expression still empty, eyes focused on the expansive gardens down below. "Well, then. I guess that's-"
He set the glass on the stone railing and clenched his hands into fists. "I still love you best!" he blurted out, pleased when Ueda finally looked at him, startled by his confession. "Even if I can't be with you, I will always love you best."
They stood in silence until Ueda finally took a sharp, deep breath. "Ryo. You can't. We can't. Just…"
"I know," Ryo cut in, words curdling on his tongue, cold and bitter, slashing him to the bone in harsh strokes even as they left his mouth. "I know. But I just. I needed you to know."
The look he got in return was so devastated that he started forward violently, arms already rising to curl around Ueda and hold him, only to be stopped by a hand on his chest.
"Don't," Ueda whispered.
Ryo felt his heart beat against Ueda's palm, soft and steady but so fragile. The stars glimmered overhead, accompanied in their slow waltz across the heavens by the orchestra inside.
Up close, under the moonlight, Ueda was beautiful. Even in a faded, secondhand kimono-no doubt one that had belonged to his older brothers and possibly his forefathers-Ueda looked resplendent, pale and lovely as a porcelain doll and just as breakable. Ryo didn't know how to stop loving him.
They stood together under the ivory-lit sky, close enough to kiss, for a trembling moment that stretched on into a small eternity.
"…Ryo." Ueda's breath puffed white like smoke in the chill night air, then dissipated. "Ryo, be happy. I'm sure she's wonderful, so... Love her. And just. Be happy, okay?"
Ryo wanted to scream, to yell that it was not okay. It wasn't okay because he didn't have a heart left to give, to love her with. It'd been Ueda's since the first time they'd argued in their dormitory about where to put the bookshelves, the first time he'd been defied so thoroughly and completely by someone who was not in his immediate family. He wanted to laugh because Ueda had to be joking. How could he possibly be happy with a girl he had only seen once, a girl who was tearing them apart by her very existence?
But Ueda was asking him to let go. So he would. Or, at least, he would try.
"I love you," Ryo whispered desperately, knowing it would be the last chance he had to say the words in a long while. Possibly forever.
Ueda smiled, faint and bitter, and picked up what remained of Ryo's champagne. "Here's." He stopped and looked Ryo calmly in the eye. "Here's to you and your new bride, Nishikido-kun."
iv.
He stared at the sterile room, with its white sheets and white curtains and white walls and white fucking everything. It made him want to scream, but he didn't, letting the steady hum of the machines and the dripdripdrip of the IV fill the silence instead.
Ueda lay on the pristine bed, and except for the oxygen mask that covered half of his face, he could've looked like he was sleeping. Which was true, in a way. The only difference was that he hadn't woken up in several days.
After today, he'd never wake up again.
Ryo took a deep breath and tilted his head back, willing the burning in his eyes to subside. Deep down, he'd figured long ago that it would probably come to this, but he had hoped, desperately, that maybe they'd be blessed by a miracle. That maybe, one day, Ueda would just wake up and smile again, bright as the sun, all traces of illness gone.
But it was going on three years now, and there was no more room to avoid the truth: Ueda Tatsuya was dying. According to the doctors, this was the last stretch. He hadn't regained consciousness for five days, and they'd only given him three. There was nothing else that could be done. Keeping him here, they said, would just be prolonging the agony.
The helplessness hurt more than everything else combined, except for the pain of losing the person you were meant to love.
Sighing heavily and swallowing hard, Ryo knelt down beside the bed and took one thin hand in his own. Ueda's hands had always been delicate, but it was almost grotesque, the way it was so easily engulfed by Ryo's tanned, calloused fingers.
Nonetheless, he kissed it reverently. "Hey," he whispered, voice cracking, but he couldn't go on. He didn't know how.
Ryo closed his eyes, held the bittersweet taste of grief on his tongue. Finally, he tried again.
"Hey." He paused. "I guess this is goodbye." He let out a shuddering breath, leaned down to rest his head against Ueda's chest, trying to etch the sound of the weakening heartbeat into his memory.
"Nishikido-san," Nurse Koyama called gently. "Are you ready?"
Ryo glanced back at the tall, redheaded young man who had been attending to Ueda for the past year. "Just give us one more moment, please."
Koyama smiled kindly and nodded in understanding.
With a trembling hand, Ryo smoothed the hair away from Ueda's face. It was short, black, stark and unforgiving against the skeletal paleness of his skin. He looked like a ghostly imitation of his living self, so different from the vivacious, beautiful boy Ryo had fallen in love with at first sight, the one who had always, always been ready with a smile that could make the rest of the world disappear.
"You are everything to me. Always. So... Wait a bit for me, okay?" He pressed a chaste kiss to Ueda's forehead. "I love you."
Then he stood slowly and turned to nod at the nurse waiting respectfully behind him.
v.
As sunlight suddenly burst into his room, having finally cleared the tree line and shining with a vengeance, Nishikido Ryo groaned and tried to bury his face further into his pillows, but he only ended up with a noseful of hair. Opening his eyes blearily, he was confronted with a mass of red, glinting blond in the light. He pulled away and squinted a bit, then laid back down, tugging the covers down so that Ueda, who'd had his head buried underneath, could breathe easier.
He curled closer, reveling in the heat cradled so deliciously between their bodies, in the haphazard tangle of ankles and knees. Ryo took a moment to admire the look of innocent, feline contentment on Ueda's face, rays of golden light sweeping across the high slant of cheekbones, the soft curve of his jaw. He breathed a sigh, running a hand through Ueda's hair and brushing it away.
But the movement, gentle as it was, seemed to have woken Ueda, who stirred and blinked drowsily, eyes still half-closed and unfocused. "Ryo?" he mumbled, voice rough with sleep and exhaustion.
Ryo chuckled softly, taking the opportunity to stretch and cuddle even closer.
"Ueda Tatsuya, you are too cute." He gave him a quick kiss and nuzzled the corner of Ueda's brow gently. "I love you. Go back to sleep."
* * *
Ueda smiled fuzzily and shifted, settling back against Ryo.
"Okay," he sighed into Ryo's shoulder, eyes already sliding shut again. "Love you, too."
First real attempt at angst... But I couldn't help it in the end. XD [fails] Awful, I know, but somehow, I ended up with about 30 pages worth of draft? x.x It seemed like it'd be a waste if I didn't end up posting it, ne. XD
I guess this is also a reminder to self to not attempt multiple AUs in one fic again. @.@ [dies]
Edit: Shoot, I completely forgot... >.<
In part ii, Ryo and Ueda are kabuki actors. Ueda is an onnagata, an actor who specifically plays female roles. And shoji are traditional Japanese sliding doors.