arashi, ohmiya. it's not all wonderful.
The quote is from More September 2010, translated here. I fell a little bit in love with it and kind of everything he was saying, but this is not really relevant. This is um, not particularly happy? For once. A bit out from what I normally write these days, and just sliiightly longer too. I would have written more but I'm really tired and I knew if I didn't finish it now though I never would. Anyway! More Nino than Ohmiya, really, but technicalities, you know.
it's not all wonderful
nino/ohno, pg, 997 wds.
"Like all things, in music, like in love, it's not all wonderful moments, but you surpass that, and to see what form it becomes is something that I enjoy."
- Ninomiya Kazunari
Two months into Arashi's eleventh year, they break up. When anyone asks, Nino will reply nonchalantly that We were never together but he knows that's not really the truth, and (he's pretty sure) Ohno doesn't think that way either.
Like everything these days, it starts with something trivial - an offhand comment about seeing everyone else more - and Ohno laughs and kisses Nino on the cheek as he says it, but Nino can't laugh back because he knows it's true. It isn't working; it never really was. They barely see each other on a good week, and even when they do it is scripts and cameras and planned interactions. He leaves it go for a while still, even after the initial thoughts; he lets them fester, It isn't working, It isn't working, and by the time four more months have passed, he's forgotten completely why they were even doing this in the first place.
Maybe he's paranoid; maybe it's all his fault - but he can't change it now.
Let's stop this, is all it takes. Ohno's mouth opens, but no words come out, and Nino knows they're not going to now, and probably never will. He walks away then without another word or glance and he's not sure if Ohno ever even blinks over it, and he doesn't care to know. While the others spend weeks fussing over them, asking incessantly if he's okay, he continues to spout his standard response and do his best to act natural and hope that it comes across okay.
But then, Nino's never been very good at acting himself.
Nino, Sho will often ask when the others aren't around - assumedly, Nino guesses, because naively Sho thinks he'll have more chance of an honest answer this way - Nino, why did you do it?
Nino never answers and he doesn't plan to, no matter how quiet and deserted the room. We were never together. He shifts over, straddles Sho's lap and kisses him hard on the lips, forcing his tongue into Sho's mouth, despite Sho's obvious objection. There's a few moments where Nino has to use all his strength to keep Sho's arms pinned down, and then he's able to relax. It's not that Sho reciprocates though, merely gives up.
When Nino sits back on Sho's lap, breathing heavily, Sho sinks a fist into his stomach and then stands up, letting Nino crumple to the floor, before shoving past a stunned Aiba in the doorway and storming out. Nino laughs a little, gripping his stomach; he knows his face has been spared because he's an idol, and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of guilt hits him because Sho is never thinking about himself. Hands still at his stomach, he struggles to sit up, and then Aiba is there reaching out a hand, looking like he's about to cry, and Nino quickly runs to the bathroom and throws up.
After two days of not seeing the rest of Arashi, there's a strangely welcoming air about the room when he walks in. The greetings come naturally and affectionately, and Nino is almost inclined to reply in the same way, until, as if they'd only momentarily forgotten, the air suddenly turns stagnant again and the carefree expressions fall away entirely. Sho begins to read out the day's schedule robotically, and Nino feels sick again. Rubbing circles into his temples, he almost misses when Aiba waves him over. Aiba pats at his lap, and as Nino sits down, he begins to massage his shoulders, Today won't be that long, don't worry, and Nino thinks it's his turn to cry, but not just yet.
It takes three months, two weeks and six days from the day they split until Nino first cries over it. This is a number he learns, shamefully, from Aiba (who is more or less counting down to the seconds, but why, Nino doesn't know). Nino can't remember dates - he can't remember how long they were officially together or how long they really were even before that, and he hates himself for it. He also hates that he doubted, and he hates that he didn't try to work it out; he hates what he's done to Sho - what he's done to all of them - and he's not even sure how he can go back.
Mostly he hates feeling all this regret, because it means admitting he was wrong.
Start with the obvious, Jun tells him, and Nino just feels even more stupid because he doesn't even know what Jun's talking about. He flushes a bright, humiliated shade of red, and swears at Jun. Jun shakes his head, sick and tired of it, and says Don't ask for advice if you don't want it, and Nino cringes, because once again someone other than him is speaking such sense that he can't really even comprehend.
He gets it another week later - he finally gets it and there's this undeniable sense of accomplishment there, but also the kind of embarrassment that can only be unearthed through hindsight. I fucked up, Nino says so they all hear it, I really fucked up this time, and I'm sorry.
Jun and Sho exchange a nod and Aiba starts to tear up properly now, but Nino doesn't even dare look at Ohno for fear of what he might see. He bows deeply and holds it there for what feels like hours, and it's only when a hand taps at his shoulder and he hears a timid Kazu - the first in months - that he stands back up. He can't read Ohno's face, not today, not anymore. Ohno's arms wrap tightly around him, and Nino can feel Ohno's increased heart rate, his ever-so-slightly shaking hands against his back, and Nino buries his face into Ohno's neck. It's warm and familiar, and feels more real than any single second of the last four months.
And while he's not naive enough to believe this means they'll go back to normal, back to before, he chooses to hope anyway.
it's not all wonderful
nino/ohno, pg, 997 wds.
"Like all things, in music, like in love, it's not all wonderful moments, but you surpass that, and to see what form it becomes is something that I enjoy."
- Ninomiya Kazunari
Two months into Arashi's eleventh year, they break up. When anyone asks, Nino will reply nonchalantly that We were never together but he knows that's not really the truth, and (he's pretty sure) Ohno doesn't think that way either.
Like everything these days, it starts with something trivial - an offhand comment about seeing everyone else more - and Ohno laughs and kisses Nino on the cheek as he says it, but Nino can't laugh back because he knows it's true. It isn't working; it never really was. They barely see each other on a good week, and even when they do it is scripts and cameras and planned interactions. He leaves it go for a while still, even after the initial thoughts; he lets them fester, It isn't working, It isn't working, and by the time four more months have passed, he's forgotten completely why they were even doing this in the first place.
Maybe he's paranoid; maybe it's all his fault - but he can't change it now.
Let's stop this, is all it takes. Ohno's mouth opens, but no words come out, and Nino knows they're not going to now, and probably never will. He walks away then without another word or glance and he's not sure if Ohno ever even blinks over it, and he doesn't care to know. While the others spend weeks fussing over them, asking incessantly if he's okay, he continues to spout his standard response and do his best to act natural and hope that it comes across okay.
But then, Nino's never been very good at acting himself.
Nino, Sho will often ask when the others aren't around - assumedly, Nino guesses, because naively Sho thinks he'll have more chance of an honest answer this way - Nino, why did you do it?
Nino never answers and he doesn't plan to, no matter how quiet and deserted the room. We were never together. He shifts over, straddles Sho's lap and kisses him hard on the lips, forcing his tongue into Sho's mouth, despite Sho's obvious objection. There's a few moments where Nino has to use all his strength to keep Sho's arms pinned down, and then he's able to relax. It's not that Sho reciprocates though, merely gives up.
When Nino sits back on Sho's lap, breathing heavily, Sho sinks a fist into his stomach and then stands up, letting Nino crumple to the floor, before shoving past a stunned Aiba in the doorway and storming out. Nino laughs a little, gripping his stomach; he knows his face has been spared because he's an idol, and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of guilt hits him because Sho is never thinking about himself. Hands still at his stomach, he struggles to sit up, and then Aiba is there reaching out a hand, looking like he's about to cry, and Nino quickly runs to the bathroom and throws up.
After two days of not seeing the rest of Arashi, there's a strangely welcoming air about the room when he walks in. The greetings come naturally and affectionately, and Nino is almost inclined to reply in the same way, until, as if they'd only momentarily forgotten, the air suddenly turns stagnant again and the carefree expressions fall away entirely. Sho begins to read out the day's schedule robotically, and Nino feels sick again. Rubbing circles into his temples, he almost misses when Aiba waves him over. Aiba pats at his lap, and as Nino sits down, he begins to massage his shoulders, Today won't be that long, don't worry, and Nino thinks it's his turn to cry, but not just yet.
It takes three months, two weeks and six days from the day they split until Nino first cries over it. This is a number he learns, shamefully, from Aiba (who is more or less counting down to the seconds, but why, Nino doesn't know). Nino can't remember dates - he can't remember how long they were officially together or how long they really were even before that, and he hates himself for it. He also hates that he doubted, and he hates that he didn't try to work it out; he hates what he's done to Sho - what he's done to all of them - and he's not even sure how he can go back.
Mostly he hates feeling all this regret, because it means admitting he was wrong.
Start with the obvious, Jun tells him, and Nino just feels even more stupid because he doesn't even know what Jun's talking about. He flushes a bright, humiliated shade of red, and swears at Jun. Jun shakes his head, sick and tired of it, and says Don't ask for advice if you don't want it, and Nino cringes, because once again someone other than him is speaking such sense that he can't really even comprehend.
He gets it another week later - he finally gets it and there's this undeniable sense of accomplishment there, but also the kind of embarrassment that can only be unearthed through hindsight. I fucked up, Nino says so they all hear it, I really fucked up this time, and I'm sorry.
Jun and Sho exchange a nod and Aiba starts to tear up properly now, but Nino doesn't even dare look at Ohno for fear of what he might see. He bows deeply and holds it there for what feels like hours, and it's only when a hand taps at his shoulder and he hears a timid Kazu - the first in months - that he stands back up. He can't read Ohno's face, not today, not anymore. Ohno's arms wrap tightly around him, and Nino can feel Ohno's increased heart rate, his ever-so-slightly shaking hands against his back, and Nino buries his face into Ohno's neck. It's warm and familiar, and feels more real than any single second of the last four months.
And while he's not naive enough to believe this means they'll go back to normal, back to before, he chooses to hope anyway.